I've come to the conclusion there are three potential responses to being victimized. Granted I am not basing this on anything remotely empirical. Just my own gut feelings and experiences.
Obviously the healthy response is to work through it and move on with life. That is the easy answer and not as easy to practice, especially when you've been through something terrible. But it's really the only way you'll be actually living life again.
There are also the people that take on the role of victim. They adapt the belief that life isnt fair and that it will always be that way. We all know people like that. They wind up being victimized again and this just leads to them further taking on the status of victim. I want to compare them to Eeyore. These people also tend to have an external locus of control which means they attribute their failures to external sources... it's never their fault.
The opposite are the people that refuse to see themselves as a victim. It's as destructive as those that take on the victim role but often times people see them as being strong since they refuse to let being a victim keep them down. However, these people take it to the extreme and become reckless in an attempt to prove to themselves and to others that they are not victims. They are surviving life, but aren't really living it.
For a long time my motto was "No fear." I refused to let anyone else have power/control over me. I had sex with random men just to prove I was psychologically over being sexually assaulted. I engaged in a LOT of reckless, extremely destructive behaviour. I ended up being victimized time and time again because of that attitude. I walked into a number of bad situations. I knew better... but my attitude was basically that no one was going to beat me. I had a huge chip on my shoulder. For the most part I didn't care if I lived or died. I saw myself as a survivor. The problem with just seeing yourself as a survivor is that you never get away from that. There is a huge difference between surviving life and living life.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Art of Manipulation
Manipulate can be defined as, "influence, manage, use, or control to one's advantage by artful or indirect means." To a certain degree I think we all use manipulation at times to get our way. It's effective... especially for some people.
I was reading an excerpt from the book "In Sheep's Clothing" and realized there was a lot of truth to it. We don't want to admit that we have been manipulated or that someone has control over us so it can be difficult to break free.
I know a few people that have perfected the art of manipulation. The worst part is that it almost always involves some type of faked interest or concern about my life... but they know I'll be the doormat. It's part of my nature to be the helper... I'll be there to listen no matter what it costs me.
Val does a great job of being manipulative. Because of her I spent 4 months living in fear... and she made it so that I couldn't trust anyone else. She also was the reason for my LOA. Meanwhile, while she was busy destroying me... I made a great therapist. Not that she was ever going to listen to my advice but misery loves company. Talk about a relationship built on power and control... with nothing in common. I never have MSN on these days because I don't want empty conversations about nothing. People kept telling me to break free of the relationship but I had trouble believing that she was like that. Whenever she was losing control just take on the sick role.
Steve is another person that has really perfected manipulation... I HATE him but I can't seem to break free. There are very few people that have hurt me as much as he has. But he knows what buttons to push and how to keep me from severing all ties permanently... or pressing charges for that matter. There's always an element of fear just under the surface. He preys on the family life I had and the fact I was victimized. I am sure he is trying to find a way to make sure I don't go to Niagara Falls permanently. He already commented on how there will be a lot of competetion... knowing that it would lead me to doubt myself. But I know that trick... He also made comments about management having an issue with me... but followed that with Niagara being the best thing for me... so that it sounds like he wants me to go... but in reality just wants me to doubt myself so that I don't get the job.
It all comes back to my mother though... She is the winner in that category. The job opportunity in Niagara Falls is a perfect example. She started by using the family as a reason not to go. Hmm.. that was one of my biggest motivators to go. When that didn't work then she went into the job I currently have. She seemed to think I'd want to do this forever. i love my job but no I don't want to do it forever. That one didn't work either. So then she had to go on the attack. Then she focused in on the competetion and how I couldn't do the job. Now she has no experience in the field... has never heard about my performance at work... and has no way of knowing whether or not I could do the job. I think she figured she won, or at least scored some points, with that one because she then let it go.
I was reading an excerpt from the book "In Sheep's Clothing" and realized there was a lot of truth to it. We don't want to admit that we have been manipulated or that someone has control over us so it can be difficult to break free.
I know a few people that have perfected the art of manipulation. The worst part is that it almost always involves some type of faked interest or concern about my life... but they know I'll be the doormat. It's part of my nature to be the helper... I'll be there to listen no matter what it costs me.
Val does a great job of being manipulative. Because of her I spent 4 months living in fear... and she made it so that I couldn't trust anyone else. She also was the reason for my LOA. Meanwhile, while she was busy destroying me... I made a great therapist. Not that she was ever going to listen to my advice but misery loves company. Talk about a relationship built on power and control... with nothing in common. I never have MSN on these days because I don't want empty conversations about nothing. People kept telling me to break free of the relationship but I had trouble believing that she was like that. Whenever she was losing control just take on the sick role.
Steve is another person that has really perfected manipulation... I HATE him but I can't seem to break free. There are very few people that have hurt me as much as he has. But he knows what buttons to push and how to keep me from severing all ties permanently... or pressing charges for that matter. There's always an element of fear just under the surface. He preys on the family life I had and the fact I was victimized. I am sure he is trying to find a way to make sure I don't go to Niagara Falls permanently. He already commented on how there will be a lot of competetion... knowing that it would lead me to doubt myself. But I know that trick... He also made comments about management having an issue with me... but followed that with Niagara being the best thing for me... so that it sounds like he wants me to go... but in reality just wants me to doubt myself so that I don't get the job.
It all comes back to my mother though... She is the winner in that category. The job opportunity in Niagara Falls is a perfect example. She started by using the family as a reason not to go. Hmm.. that was one of my biggest motivators to go. When that didn't work then she went into the job I currently have. She seemed to think I'd want to do this forever. i love my job but no I don't want to do it forever. That one didn't work either. So then she had to go on the attack. Then she focused in on the competetion and how I couldn't do the job. Now she has no experience in the field... has never heard about my performance at work... and has no way of knowing whether or not I could do the job. I think she figured she won, or at least scored some points, with that one because she then let it go.
Truth & Consequences
We all lie... or withhold the truth. It's part of human nature. Some days I think we are driven by secrets and lies. But those lies can have serious consequences.. especially if you don't know they are lies. Just take a look at my family.
You have to be thin to be desirable. This one was actually an unwritten rule... but just as damaging. My sister couldn't live up to that expectation and was ridiculed as a result. I had an eating disorder for a decade to compensate but I never felt any better.
You're a slut. This one was one of the many insults my mother actually used. One of the biggest issues with this statement is that there is no point in being anything else. It really is self-defeating. If someone sees you as something you either fight it or give in to it. Told something long enough you end up giving in to it. That is what I became. I had a whole variety of reasons: to get over the sexual assault... to be numb... and because I'd been told it my entire life.
You're a bitch. As a kid how do you respond to that?
You're worthless. It's another self-destructive lie. But you spend your entire life trying to attain the unattainable. You believe that somehow you have to be good enough... to earn your worth. But it's a fallacy because you can never reach that, no matter what you do. The definition of wortless is "no worth or value." It's one of the most damaging lies. There is no escape and it becomes engrained in your head. Now I spend way too much time and energy trying to get their approval... and it will never happen.
You'll never amount to anything. The other damaging lie. When you are 13 years old and that gets beat into your head how do you combat it? I became a perfectionist.... I was always trying to prove them wrong. I had to succeed. I graduated from university to prove to them I could do it. But I still see myself as a failure.
These lies stay with you. When told by a parent, or someone we trust, we believe them. In turn these lies become our reality. I don't see myself as having value just for being me... I always feel like I have to prove myself. I have to earn my worth. No kid should ever have to go through that.
You have to be thin to be desirable. This one was actually an unwritten rule... but just as damaging. My sister couldn't live up to that expectation and was ridiculed as a result. I had an eating disorder for a decade to compensate but I never felt any better.
You're a slut. This one was one of the many insults my mother actually used. One of the biggest issues with this statement is that there is no point in being anything else. It really is self-defeating. If someone sees you as something you either fight it or give in to it. Told something long enough you end up giving in to it. That is what I became. I had a whole variety of reasons: to get over the sexual assault... to be numb... and because I'd been told it my entire life.
You're a bitch. As a kid how do you respond to that?
You're worthless. It's another self-destructive lie. But you spend your entire life trying to attain the unattainable. You believe that somehow you have to be good enough... to earn your worth. But it's a fallacy because you can never reach that, no matter what you do. The definition of wortless is "no worth or value." It's one of the most damaging lies. There is no escape and it becomes engrained in your head. Now I spend way too much time and energy trying to get their approval... and it will never happen.
You'll never amount to anything. The other damaging lie. When you are 13 years old and that gets beat into your head how do you combat it? I became a perfectionist.... I was always trying to prove them wrong. I had to succeed. I graduated from university to prove to them I could do it. But I still see myself as a failure.
These lies stay with you. When told by a parent, or someone we trust, we believe them. In turn these lies become our reality. I don't see myself as having value just for being me... I always feel like I have to prove myself. I have to earn my worth. No kid should ever have to go through that.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
The Aftermath
Being broken brings with it a flood of emotions. For years I have worked on being numb, feeling nothing. I felt I needed to be strong to survive and that meant blocking out emotion. Emotion equalled weakness. But that was only in myself... I didn't hold the same standards for other people. That was part of the reason I turned to cutting. As weird as it sounds it actually numbs you. Physical pain I could handle... emotional pain was overwhelming. I still feel like people expect me to be the picture of strength and never show emotion. But that is unrealistic. And I am learning that being numb is not the same as being strong. I had a good reason to be numb... It was about self preservation. I was protecting myself from the instbility of home life. But I am no longer in that situation... well okay part of me is still working on releasing those chains and being free... I don't need to be numb now. I do have a great deal of inner strength.... I can make it through a great deal and keep going. I was worried that if I felt anything then I would suddenly feel everything and be overwhelmed. I was scared I might go back to the self-injury to deal with it. But that was more of a crutch... an excuse not to allow myself to feel. Not to say I don't feel a little overwhelmed right now and it's not a comfortable place for me to be. But that's okay. I can feel the emotion without self destructing. Showing emotion does not make me weak. In fact, it's a healthy response.
Steinbeck had a great quote, "The greater tumor a child can have is that he is not loved, and rejection is the hell he fears." There was no such thing as consistency in my family life. Even love was conditional. I always felt like I had to prove myself in order to be accepted. Even in friendships I tend to think there are conditions... "They'll only be my friend if..." Some friendships tend to be just as chaotic as my family was as a result.... because I still believe that it's conditional. It's not even give and take. Most of my friendships seem to end up being all about them... and I just accept it. Pat has commented a couple of times about being there... as someone to talk to. I'm always looking for the catch and wondering what the conditions are.
It's almost as though a tornado has gone through and now it's time for the aftermath. Only that tornado is life. Picking up the pieces of a shattered life. Both of these are going to be extremely difficult. It involves changing some major aspects of my life and restructuring entire belief systems. But this is why healing is a process and not an event.
Steinbeck had a great quote, "The greater tumor a child can have is that he is not loved, and rejection is the hell he fears." There was no such thing as consistency in my family life. Even love was conditional. I always felt like I had to prove myself in order to be accepted. Even in friendships I tend to think there are conditions... "They'll only be my friend if..." Some friendships tend to be just as chaotic as my family was as a result.... because I still believe that it's conditional. It's not even give and take. Most of my friendships seem to end up being all about them... and I just accept it. Pat has commented a couple of times about being there... as someone to talk to. I'm always looking for the catch and wondering what the conditions are.
It's almost as though a tornado has gone through and now it's time for the aftermath. Only that tornado is life. Picking up the pieces of a shattered life. Both of these are going to be extremely difficult. It involves changing some major aspects of my life and restructuring entire belief systems. But this is why healing is a process and not an event.
"Broken"
As I mentioned before I currently feel a strong sense of loss. It's the inner child trying to come through and be free. That small voice that says "You had no right to treat me like that." It's the sound of innocence. And there is the realization of the destruction and devastation that was left in the wake. I think my emotional state of being can be summed up in one word "Broken".
For once I truly understand that being broken isn't necessarily a bad thing. Only when you're broken can you be fixed. It was my pride and my false beliefs that were holding me back. A prison isn't always about keeping someone locked up.... it's also about keeping people out. I had the belief that I couldn't trust anyone. When you lock everyone out there ends up being a high price to pay. You can't go through life completely alone, especially with a burden like this. Well you can, but it's incredibly lonely. It's difficult to change that though. It means allowing yourself to be vulnerable and take a chance. When you trust someone you give them power. They have the ability to hurt you. I'm all too familiar with the lonely road... of not letting anyone into that inner sanctum and of being guarded. Now I guess I am just a work in progress.
The thought of trusting someone... and of healing is actually pretty scary. It means leaving my comfort zone and taking some risks. I am a risk taker but those are usually negative risks, ones that are self destructive. Funny how that works. I know it was because I didn't value myself so a part of me didn't care what happened. I was already dead inside. I was numb so that no one could hurt me. This also allowed me to walk into potentially dangerous situations without considering the potential consequences. It could be argued that for a long time I was engaing in behaviour that was tantamount to russian roulette. So now I have to turn that risk taking behaviour into something positive.
For once I truly understand that being broken isn't necessarily a bad thing. Only when you're broken can you be fixed. It was my pride and my false beliefs that were holding me back. A prison isn't always about keeping someone locked up.... it's also about keeping people out. I had the belief that I couldn't trust anyone. When you lock everyone out there ends up being a high price to pay. You can't go through life completely alone, especially with a burden like this. Well you can, but it's incredibly lonely. It's difficult to change that though. It means allowing yourself to be vulnerable and take a chance. When you trust someone you give them power. They have the ability to hurt you. I'm all too familiar with the lonely road... of not letting anyone into that inner sanctum and of being guarded. Now I guess I am just a work in progress.
The thought of trusting someone... and of healing is actually pretty scary. It means leaving my comfort zone and taking some risks. I am a risk taker but those are usually negative risks, ones that are self destructive. Funny how that works. I know it was because I didn't value myself so a part of me didn't care what happened. I was already dead inside. I was numb so that no one could hurt me. This also allowed me to walk into potentially dangerous situations without considering the potential consequences. It could be argued that for a long time I was engaing in behaviour that was tantamount to russian roulette. So now I have to turn that risk taking behaviour into something positive.
The Recovery Process
I needed the vacation not only to relax but also to start the process of healing... For so long I thought that by acknowledging the abuse it was good enough. That was all I needed... And while there is freedom in reconizing it that alone does not bring with it healing.
As I write this I do feel a profound sense of loss. In many ways I am still just a child. I may be 27 years old but a part of me is trapped... a prisoner to the past. No family is perfect but most people grow up in a world of safety. To a child parents are godlike. We deify them. Whatever they say must be true. This has important ramifications when parents are abusive.
When someone we love dies we know that grief is a common response and that it is okay.. that it is a necessary step. When it comes to abuse it is still a topic that people don't want to talk about. Even in psychology we talk about the symptoms of abuse and how devastating it is for the victim but there are no real guidelines on how you should feel... and how you get past it.
How should I feel? Your entire worldview is shaped by what your family is like... for better and for worse. Should I grieve what I've lost? In a sense a part of me has died, namely the inquisitve child... the one that is still innocent.... that believes all people are good. Do I have a right to be angry? We're taught to internalize the anger and that hate and anger are negative emotions. Therefore, we shouldn't feel them. I am struggling with that. I understand the need to grieve... but because they're my parents I still feel, even 20 years later, that I shouldn't be angry. That they were just following the cycle of violence. But that would relieve them of their responsibility. It was their responsibility to protect me and they fell short. But I still can't bring myself to feel that rage.
The biggest challenge for me is whether or not I need to forgive them. There was a line in the movie "A Thousand Acres" that said "How do you forgive someone that shows no remorse?" It is much easier to forgive someone when they are truly sorry. How about when they deny? My parents have always denied the abuse and accused me of trying to disrupt the family. So how do you forgive them? And do I need to?
I wrestle with the answers to these questions and with the road that lies ahead. I know it's not an easy one since you can't just undo the past and be instantly cured. I have to change my entire belief system and in essence construct an entirely new reality. Step 1: Healing the hurt within.
As I write this I do feel a profound sense of loss. In many ways I am still just a child. I may be 27 years old but a part of me is trapped... a prisoner to the past. No family is perfect but most people grow up in a world of safety. To a child parents are godlike. We deify them. Whatever they say must be true. This has important ramifications when parents are abusive.
When someone we love dies we know that grief is a common response and that it is okay.. that it is a necessary step. When it comes to abuse it is still a topic that people don't want to talk about. Even in psychology we talk about the symptoms of abuse and how devastating it is for the victim but there are no real guidelines on how you should feel... and how you get past it.
How should I feel? Your entire worldview is shaped by what your family is like... for better and for worse. Should I grieve what I've lost? In a sense a part of me has died, namely the inquisitve child... the one that is still innocent.... that believes all people are good. Do I have a right to be angry? We're taught to internalize the anger and that hate and anger are negative emotions. Therefore, we shouldn't feel them. I am struggling with that. I understand the need to grieve... but because they're my parents I still feel, even 20 years later, that I shouldn't be angry. That they were just following the cycle of violence. But that would relieve them of their responsibility. It was their responsibility to protect me and they fell short. But I still can't bring myself to feel that rage.
The biggest challenge for me is whether or not I need to forgive them. There was a line in the movie "A Thousand Acres" that said "How do you forgive someone that shows no remorse?" It is much easier to forgive someone when they are truly sorry. How about when they deny? My parents have always denied the abuse and accused me of trying to disrupt the family. So how do you forgive them? And do I need to?
I wrestle with the answers to these questions and with the road that lies ahead. I know it's not an easy one since you can't just undo the past and be instantly cured. I have to change my entire belief system and in essence construct an entirely new reality. Step 1: Healing the hurt within.
Friday, July 21, 2006
The Grieving Process
My vacation was supposed to be about many things. it was supposed to be about time off. It was also supposed to be about stress reduction and relaxation. Hmm... so far the only one that looks like it's happening is the time off. The stress level is increasing, not decreasing. But, most of all, I wanted time to myself. I wanted to just shut myself off from everyone and use the quiet time for reflection. I know I think all the time any ways... but I actually wanted to take the opportunity to grieve. While there might not have been a death I feel I need to grieve the loss of innocence, of my childhood and of all things good. I wanted to feel all the emotions that go with it... the anger... the rage... the sadness... and the intense hurt and betrayal. Correction I don't want to feel them but I need to in order to ever get past it. Seeing as I don't do well with emotion and refuse to show it there is no way I can really process that and deal with it when someone else is here. There's too much background noise when someone else is around. Right now there is also far too much negative energy that I need to deal with first. Looks like I might be taking another week off to grieve... and no one will be allowed here for that one.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Just Say No
I've really got to learn to say no... Somehow that word just doesn't seem to be in my vocabulary. Why am I a doormat all the time. I allow people to take advantage of me, sometimes at great cost. Right now is a really good example. I want the apartment to myself. Tristan is just sponging off me and things just don't change... one excuse after another. This time it was that he ran into someone he owed money to (is there anyone in Peterborough that he doesn't owe money to?) so he paid him. That's why he couldn't buy groceries. So instead he has been eating all my food and just apologizing for it later. He still owes me $300 from 6 months ago. And right now I would just like him to buy his own groceries... I had bought what I needed for my vacation and now I need to buy more. And I need to go on a Coke run somehow but can't exactly carry it. I'm scared to cook dinner since I know I am just going to wind up feeding him to.
The bigger concern is the fatigue. Since he has to wake up so early he goes to bed before I do. The only way to accomodate that was to share my bed... and as I got to remember this week I don't do well with that. I really don't sleep and wind up like a zombie. It's tough to get out of bed and go to work. Then when I get to work I am irritable because I really need sleep. And no end in sight.
I know what I need to do but am having trouble doing it. I know I need to get him to leave... before he never does. But, despite the cost it is having on me I am having trouble saying no. I want to help people.
Okay we don't need to discuss the role of the enabler... and how detrimental that is... since we are responsible for ourselves. I am not responsible for Tristan... or for my family. I am only responsible for myself. While I want to just keep the status quo and not cause anyone pain... I am only hurting myself. At the same time I can't force someone to live on the streets... so what the hell am I supposed to do?
The bigger concern is the fatigue. Since he has to wake up so early he goes to bed before I do. The only way to accomodate that was to share my bed... and as I got to remember this week I don't do well with that. I really don't sleep and wind up like a zombie. It's tough to get out of bed and go to work. Then when I get to work I am irritable because I really need sleep. And no end in sight.
I know what I need to do but am having trouble doing it. I know I need to get him to leave... before he never does. But, despite the cost it is having on me I am having trouble saying no. I want to help people.
Okay we don't need to discuss the role of the enabler... and how detrimental that is... since we are responsible for ourselves. I am not responsible for Tristan... or for my family. I am only responsible for myself. While I want to just keep the status quo and not cause anyone pain... I am only hurting myself. At the same time I can't force someone to live on the streets... so what the hell am I supposed to do?
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Therapy
I went to the chiropractor's today. I love Charlene although it's weird... she can read me better then most people I know. I don't even have to say anything and she knows whether it's a good day... bad day.... something major going on... She also does a good job working on my back but it's kind of scary how she can read me. But this is how the first 5 minutes or so went...
C - So did you get the results from the blood tests yet?
M - Yes I did
C - Well...
M - The platelet count is back to normal. The white blood cell count is a little low but the doctor wasn't too concerned about it.
C - The red blood cell count, is that still low?
M - That count cam back fine all three times.
C - So whatdo they think it is?
M - No idea. They seem to think I'm fine.
C - Amazing how they go from thinking the bone marrow may not be producing blood cells to you're healthy. You had me scared.
M - Me too
C - I was thinking I was going to have to drive you to Kingston or something.
C - With the suppressed immune system do you think it might be chronic stress?
M - Maybe... Stress... what stress?
C - I was thinking family stress
M - Oh you mean like my mother arguing with me about driving up to Scarborough the night before.
C - Are you serious?
M - Yep. She brought me to tears. It was impressive actually.
C - Ever thought about going to see a counsellor?
M - Hmm... last time I went to see one they just wanted to talk about my ex and how he was feeling
C - Okay a good one....
I'll leave out the rest of the conversation... but I thought it was interesting. I haven't seen her in a couple of weeks. The last few times I've been in it has been about the doctors and whether or not there has been any news. My family hasn't been a topic of conversation in quite a while... so why now? Shows just how well she can read me.
And as far as therapy goes... I know what's wrong with me. What, is it going to turn into a repeat of "Good Will Hunting" with them saying, "It's not your fault." I know it's not. I also know how to work the system. I was in mandatory counselling back when I was in high school. I let them believe things were going well and never really got anywhere. I know you're supposed to be honest when in therapy... but I do't even trust my friends and keep them at a distance. So why would I just open up to a therapist? I still have that protective shell. I don't talk about me. At least not about anything serious. I don't want anyone to see the emotion... and I don't want to feel it. So yes therapy would probably be beneficial... assuming that I could allow myself to be honest and trust that person... not something that comes easy to me.
C - So did you get the results from the blood tests yet?
M - Yes I did
C - Well...
M - The platelet count is back to normal. The white blood cell count is a little low but the doctor wasn't too concerned about it.
C - The red blood cell count, is that still low?
M - That count cam back fine all three times.
C - So whatdo they think it is?
M - No idea. They seem to think I'm fine.
C - Amazing how they go from thinking the bone marrow may not be producing blood cells to you're healthy. You had me scared.
M - Me too
C - I was thinking I was going to have to drive you to Kingston or something.
C - With the suppressed immune system do you think it might be chronic stress?
M - Maybe... Stress... what stress?
C - I was thinking family stress
M - Oh you mean like my mother arguing with me about driving up to Scarborough the night before.
C - Are you serious?
M - Yep. She brought me to tears. It was impressive actually.
C - Ever thought about going to see a counsellor?
M - Hmm... last time I went to see one they just wanted to talk about my ex and how he was feeling
C - Okay a good one....
I'll leave out the rest of the conversation... but I thought it was interesting. I haven't seen her in a couple of weeks. The last few times I've been in it has been about the doctors and whether or not there has been any news. My family hasn't been a topic of conversation in quite a while... so why now? Shows just how well she can read me.
And as far as therapy goes... I know what's wrong with me. What, is it going to turn into a repeat of "Good Will Hunting" with them saying, "It's not your fault." I know it's not. I also know how to work the system. I was in mandatory counselling back when I was in high school. I let them believe things were going well and never really got anywhere. I know you're supposed to be honest when in therapy... but I do't even trust my friends and keep them at a distance. So why would I just open up to a therapist? I still have that protective shell. I don't talk about me. At least not about anything serious. I don't want anyone to see the emotion... and I don't want to feel it. So yes therapy would probably be beneficial... assuming that I could allow myself to be honest and trust that person... not something that comes easy to me.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Fucked Up
I think that is a good description for how I feel these days. I'm really not sleeping at the moment so I feel pretty exhausted. I can't seem to just let go and relax. I'm starting to think I might need to head off to the bar one night just to unwind. I never thought I'd hear myself say that. But I gotta find something that takes my mind off things.
First there was my health. There was the concern that my bone marrow was not producing blood cells. That's definitely scary... and I had to prepare myself for just about anything. My platelet count is back up and the doctor does not feel my white blood cell count is low enough to be concerned with. I still have no idea why I am fatigued all the time... but at least it's not my blood cell count.
Work is also taking a lot out of me at the moment. It's the first week of a new month. Pat was off 2 days for training. we were all off for one day with the US holiday. So that means a lot more work the other days. On top of that Dave is on vacation so we had to make up his aces as well. Then the other Dave hurt his back again so I feel like I should help their team as well... even though I already feel stretched to the limit. I didn't even have time to do the trends analysis today. Plus I didn't really take a lunch and completely skipped my last break. But breaks have pretty well been non-existent since I quit smoking. I'm almost tempted to go back to it just so I can actually have a break. But that's not a good enough reason.
Probably the bigest reason for me feeling fucked up is the fight I had with mom. Suzanne was telling me to just not argue and let her win. It's not in me to do. And if someone can make me cry in 10 minutes that's not a good thing. But that fight also made me face the past head on... something I had been trying to avoid. There's a great deal of emotions at the moment. Overall, I just feel this overwhelming sense of loss and pain. I don't know how I am supposed to be feeling. 20 years of repressed emotion is a lot to try and deal with. I'm definitely feeling pulled in different directions. There is still the family loyalty.... but also the betrayal. The pain that this led to bad choices and even more pain... since it's not just the family dynamic that was affected but also my coping mechanisms and the situations I put myself into. The skeletons I try to avoid and have the closet door locked... Just the thought of some of those decisions and the things I did to be numb quickly bring me to tears right now. I keep being reminded of the line in the song "Scars" by Papa Roach: "My scars remind me that the past is real." I could really do without some of those scars though.
I should be ecstatic about the blood tests but I just feel empty... hurt... wounded. Maybe it's because I was avoiding it for so long and you really can't avoid it forever. I would give anything to be numb again... not to feel anything at all. Maybe that is why I gave myself permission to use the self-injury if necessary. I am trying not to... but I also know what a toll this is taking on me. I'm not used to feeling anything and these feelings are overwhelming. I don't know what to do and how to get past it. I want to completely withdraw and not talk to anyone. I don't want them to see how much I hurt and see the pain in my eyes. I'm supposed to be strong... able to get past anything.... show no emotion.... and now it's a war. An internal battle and I can't find a way to stop the emotion. I may have a degree in psychology that doesn't mean I know how to deal with abuse and get past it.
First there was my health. There was the concern that my bone marrow was not producing blood cells. That's definitely scary... and I had to prepare myself for just about anything. My platelet count is back up and the doctor does not feel my white blood cell count is low enough to be concerned with. I still have no idea why I am fatigued all the time... but at least it's not my blood cell count.
Work is also taking a lot out of me at the moment. It's the first week of a new month. Pat was off 2 days for training. we were all off for one day with the US holiday. So that means a lot more work the other days. On top of that Dave is on vacation so we had to make up his aces as well. Then the other Dave hurt his back again so I feel like I should help their team as well... even though I already feel stretched to the limit. I didn't even have time to do the trends analysis today. Plus I didn't really take a lunch and completely skipped my last break. But breaks have pretty well been non-existent since I quit smoking. I'm almost tempted to go back to it just so I can actually have a break. But that's not a good enough reason.
Probably the bigest reason for me feeling fucked up is the fight I had with mom. Suzanne was telling me to just not argue and let her win. It's not in me to do. And if someone can make me cry in 10 minutes that's not a good thing. But that fight also made me face the past head on... something I had been trying to avoid. There's a great deal of emotions at the moment. Overall, I just feel this overwhelming sense of loss and pain. I don't know how I am supposed to be feeling. 20 years of repressed emotion is a lot to try and deal with. I'm definitely feeling pulled in different directions. There is still the family loyalty.... but also the betrayal. The pain that this led to bad choices and even more pain... since it's not just the family dynamic that was affected but also my coping mechanisms and the situations I put myself into. The skeletons I try to avoid and have the closet door locked... Just the thought of some of those decisions and the things I did to be numb quickly bring me to tears right now. I keep being reminded of the line in the song "Scars" by Papa Roach: "My scars remind me that the past is real." I could really do without some of those scars though.
I should be ecstatic about the blood tests but I just feel empty... hurt... wounded. Maybe it's because I was avoiding it for so long and you really can't avoid it forever. I would give anything to be numb again... not to feel anything at all. Maybe that is why I gave myself permission to use the self-injury if necessary. I am trying not to... but I also know what a toll this is taking on me. I'm not used to feeling anything and these feelings are overwhelming. I don't know what to do and how to get past it. I want to completely withdraw and not talk to anyone. I don't want them to see how much I hurt and see the pain in my eyes. I'm supposed to be strong... able to get past anything.... show no emotion.... and now it's a war. An internal battle and I can't find a way to stop the emotion. I may have a degree in psychology that doesn't mean I know how to deal with abuse and get past it.
Daily Reminder
For anyone that might have seen this bracelet and wondered why I wear it... since it's just a cheap bracelet... it's my daily reminder that I am still alive. It also reminds me of the pain of living. Most importantly, it's a reminder that the self-injury is in recovery.
Most people believe it is really easy to just give up. Why would you intentionally hurt yourself? But it's an addictive behaviour and it's effective. It's not an easy road, especially at the moment.
But I have now given myself permission to use the self-injury if I need to in order to survive. I'm not saying that I am going back to it. It's been over a year now :o) But if I am not doing it to appease someone (Val) and not for myself then it's not benefitting me. All that means is that she is controlling the behaviour. I'm not perfect. I am going to fail at some point. Life on my terms... Hopefully I can continue to find other ways to cope... but anyone that wants to stop me can go to hell. I'm not trying to be harsh there. But the people that try and stop me have no problem with me drinking to the point of alcohol poisoning... or starving myself.... yet these are more dangerous then cutting myself ever will be.
Recovery does not imply perfection and no slip-ups. It's fantastic that it has been over a year but it's been over a year for the wrong reasons. I am tempted probably every single day... especially right now as I try to come to terms with my life and the abuse. If anyone wants to hate me or judge me if I do back to it... feel free. I can guarantee that I'll have a few issues with myself as it is. But remember, it's not your life... you do not control me... and we all have our negative ways of coping. So if you plan on condemning me for it... or reminding me of how bad it is (trust me I already know) then you better be offering suggestions on other ways to cope and you better have the time to hear me out.
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
New Tattoo Idea
I came up with a new idea for a tattoo. Not sure if it will ever happen but that's what I would like to see going down my side. One on each side. Otherwise, I would like to see the one on the left on my calf.The obvious question is why the word believe? And why the difference in colors. Basically it stands for "Believe the lie." It was a line in the Disturbed song Breathe (as well as their album title) but that is not why I want it.
For me it comes down to two things. For one, I did believe the lie and based my reality around it. Secondly, it emphasizes the fact it was a lie.
I'm not worthless. I am good enough. I have accomplished something with my life. I have a university degree, something some people did not think would happen. I am still alive. I have a stable job and for the most part I love it. Sure there are times when it's stressful but any job is like that. Yes I still doubt myself but it's hard not to and I am working on that. No question I still struggle with the fact it was a lie but getting that as a tattoo has real meaning for me... as a reminder of that. Now I just need to find the money to pay for it. Not likely going to happen but I can dream.
Sunday, July 02, 2006
Intimacy & the Sense of Touch
Anybody that knows me knows that I have serious issues with intimacy. That's not much of a surprise considering the unstable family relationship I had. I choose not to get close to people. I don't want to get hurt agin.
When I was born I was 9 weeks early , weighed three pounds and had respiratory distress. I was immediately sent to Peterborough hospital where I stayed in an incubator for a month. What does that have to do with the topic? It meant that I was not held... and never got used to human touch.
My dad was cold and distant. I never saw much of him when I was growing up. He was away on business quite a bit. He was also authoritative and never was big on human touch. Mom was inconsistent on that front. Usually she was telling me what I did wrong and how I would never amount to anything. But then when she was depressed she would apologize and try and hug me. With the mixed messages I withdrew and shied away from human contact. Well there were other reasons as well but I won't get into that. That one is for another day if I am ever able to actully deal with it.
So now I have a fear of physical contact. There are very few people that don't make me feel uncomfortable when they touch me. My chiropractor is one of them but I think that's because it's therapeutic. There are a couple of people at work that will stop by my desk and put their hands on my shoulders. It's who they are... they're just expressive that way. I tolerate it but I definitely tense up. I think it's because you are allowing people into your personal space and it means you are vulnerable. It opens you up to the possiblity of them hurting you. Whenever Steve is here he puts his hand on my back and I know it's because he's hoping it will lead to sex. And when I reject him he chalks it up to me being tired. I just cringe whenever he is near. It really makes me feel threatened. Maybe one day I'll get over my fears of intimacy, vulnerability and physical contact. But for now I am just guarded and wounded... so stay away.
When I was born I was 9 weeks early , weighed three pounds and had respiratory distress. I was immediately sent to Peterborough hospital where I stayed in an incubator for a month. What does that have to do with the topic? It meant that I was not held... and never got used to human touch.
My dad was cold and distant. I never saw much of him when I was growing up. He was away on business quite a bit. He was also authoritative and never was big on human touch. Mom was inconsistent on that front. Usually she was telling me what I did wrong and how I would never amount to anything. But then when she was depressed she would apologize and try and hug me. With the mixed messages I withdrew and shied away from human contact. Well there were other reasons as well but I won't get into that. That one is for another day if I am ever able to actully deal with it.
So now I have a fear of physical contact. There are very few people that don't make me feel uncomfortable when they touch me. My chiropractor is one of them but I think that's because it's therapeutic. There are a couple of people at work that will stop by my desk and put their hands on my shoulders. It's who they are... they're just expressive that way. I tolerate it but I definitely tense up. I think it's because you are allowing people into your personal space and it means you are vulnerable. It opens you up to the possiblity of them hurting you. Whenever Steve is here he puts his hand on my back and I know it's because he's hoping it will lead to sex. And when I reject him he chalks it up to me being tired. I just cringe whenever he is near. It really makes me feel threatened. Maybe one day I'll get over my fears of intimacy, vulnerability and physical contact. But for now I am just guarded and wounded... so stay away.
Ongoing Saga of Steve
Pat said recently that I need to sever my ties with Steve. I am well aware of that fact. I've known it for a long time. I wish it was that easy. I wish I could just say "Fuck you" and walk away. After all I've spent 2 years, and three relationships wondering how to get rid of him. But he's like a stray dog and keeps coming back. He never gets the hint. You'd think after the relationship with Adam... or the one with Tristan... he might've got the message. Or even when I picked up at the bar right in front of him. But he seems to have these delusions that I am interested in him and it never matters what I say.
It all started with me being naive and not knowing anyone in Peterborough. I thought he was just being nice. And I thought so little of myself that the possibility he was interested in me never even crossed my mind. I would give anything to go back in time and change things.
He's obsessive to the point of it being frightening. He still buys presents for his ex-wife on Valentines, Mother's Day, their anniversary, etc. That's kind of creepy. Especially since they haven't been together for 10 years. Let it go and move on with life. I also get the impression that he is in a mid-life crisis. He seems to want to be with someone who is much younger then himself. He's been interested in a few people.. all of which were at least a decade his junior... and all of them he had no chance with. But he always comes back to me and refuses to let go of that fantasy. That obsession is actually smothering and makes me feel claustrophobic. Once he moved in to be closer to me I couldn't go anywhere or do anything any more. I was just trapped in the apartment and this is part of the reason for my LOA.
It's not just the obsession though. I now understand why so many people stay in abusive relationships. They feel powerless... helpless... and are trapped. The abuser is controlling and manipulative and the victim feels guilty and may blame themselves for it. Take my situation for example. I blame myself for not realizing just what he was after and not getting away when I had the chance. Steve definitely uses manipulation to get what he wants. I am used to an unstable enviorment.. that is what I grew up with. And now Steve is recreating that. Instability and unpredictability... I feel like I am powerless. It's the same feelings I had living at home. The sense of pain... and hate. Every time I see him my skin crawls. Yet I continue to allow him to abuse me and allow him to control me.
I feel like I did just before I went to university. Trapped and alone with no way out. All I see is darkness and pain. There is no end in sight. It also brings with it anger and hate. But I don't know how to break free. The only way I broke free of my parents influence was them moving across the country. And now I seem to be back full circle since mom is in Peterborough. I get the impression the only way I would be free is to move far enough way that he couldn't come visit or death. It has gotten better since I moved but he still believes I want him and creates an extremely unstable environment where I still feel trapped.
The other reason I can't break free is my fear of him. It's not just the fact he looks like a terrorist. I've seen his temper and it was not pretty. I've also heard what he has said about ways he would hurt other people. Everything from breaking kneecaps to death. So I try not to piss him off. Plus there is the fact he has swords, dynamite, a 9 mm handgun and various other weapons. I get the impression that if I did walk away I would also need a restraining order.
It's not an easy situation to walk away from. If it was I would be long gone already. It is certainly not a healthy relationship and simply reminds me of life at home from my younger days. Maybe I need a ring on my finger although I'm not sure a marriage would even get rid of him. Adam and I were together for a year and I still couldn't get rid of Steve. Hell I think that if I decided to become a lesbian he'd just think I was bisexual and wanted to fuck him too.
So if anyone has ideas as to how I can get rid of him I'd love to hear them. I've spent about 3 years trying to figure that out and still haven't got anywhere. He's still hanging around and things have actually gotten progressively worse. But then most people don't understand what it's like to have a stalker.
It all started with me being naive and not knowing anyone in Peterborough. I thought he was just being nice. And I thought so little of myself that the possibility he was interested in me never even crossed my mind. I would give anything to go back in time and change things.
He's obsessive to the point of it being frightening. He still buys presents for his ex-wife on Valentines, Mother's Day, their anniversary, etc. That's kind of creepy. Especially since they haven't been together for 10 years. Let it go and move on with life. I also get the impression that he is in a mid-life crisis. He seems to want to be with someone who is much younger then himself. He's been interested in a few people.. all of which were at least a decade his junior... and all of them he had no chance with. But he always comes back to me and refuses to let go of that fantasy. That obsession is actually smothering and makes me feel claustrophobic. Once he moved in to be closer to me I couldn't go anywhere or do anything any more. I was just trapped in the apartment and this is part of the reason for my LOA.
It's not just the obsession though. I now understand why so many people stay in abusive relationships. They feel powerless... helpless... and are trapped. The abuser is controlling and manipulative and the victim feels guilty and may blame themselves for it. Take my situation for example. I blame myself for not realizing just what he was after and not getting away when I had the chance. Steve definitely uses manipulation to get what he wants. I am used to an unstable enviorment.. that is what I grew up with. And now Steve is recreating that. Instability and unpredictability... I feel like I am powerless. It's the same feelings I had living at home. The sense of pain... and hate. Every time I see him my skin crawls. Yet I continue to allow him to abuse me and allow him to control me.
I feel like I did just before I went to university. Trapped and alone with no way out. All I see is darkness and pain. There is no end in sight. It also brings with it anger and hate. But I don't know how to break free. The only way I broke free of my parents influence was them moving across the country. And now I seem to be back full circle since mom is in Peterborough. I get the impression the only way I would be free is to move far enough way that he couldn't come visit or death. It has gotten better since I moved but he still believes I want him and creates an extremely unstable environment where I still feel trapped.
The other reason I can't break free is my fear of him. It's not just the fact he looks like a terrorist. I've seen his temper and it was not pretty. I've also heard what he has said about ways he would hurt other people. Everything from breaking kneecaps to death. So I try not to piss him off. Plus there is the fact he has swords, dynamite, a 9 mm handgun and various other weapons. I get the impression that if I did walk away I would also need a restraining order.
It's not an easy situation to walk away from. If it was I would be long gone already. It is certainly not a healthy relationship and simply reminds me of life at home from my younger days. Maybe I need a ring on my finger although I'm not sure a marriage would even get rid of him. Adam and I were together for a year and I still couldn't get rid of Steve. Hell I think that if I decided to become a lesbian he'd just think I was bisexual and wanted to fuck him too.
So if anyone has ideas as to how I can get rid of him I'd love to hear them. I've spent about 3 years trying to figure that out and still haven't got anywhere. He's still hanging around and things have actually gotten progressively worse. But then most people don't understand what it's like to have a stalker.
Questioning Everything
I'm still going through a mix of emotions and there are a lot of questions that come up as I begin the healing process. I've spent so long pushing it into the background and just accepting it as my reality that I don't know how to deal with the emotions. I also wonder if I have a right to be angry. Part of that comes back to me justifying my mother's behaviour. She was depressed and learned some of the behaviours from her father. But that doesn't make it right. There are a few contradicitons and I am not sure how to reconcile the two. For instance, any type of abuse involves a betrayal but since it's the family there is still a sense of loyalty. Since they were my parents there is love... but because of the detrimental affects there is also a certain element of hate.
I was raised going to church every Sunday and with the whole Christian values. The Bible says to honor your parents and love them. So I feel like I shouldn't hate them... which leads to me wondering what the appropriate response is. I also wonder if I have to forgive them in order to move forward. I'm not sure I can do it.
I also wonder how I can face the pain... the hurt... all the emotions without self destructing. Now that is something I am good at. I'm surprised I am even still alive. I never thought I would be. Between the eating disorder, the self-injury, the binge drinking, the risky sex, and the smoking... They're the only coping mechanisms I know. And all of them are damaging, one way or another.
If I actually face it and work past it will I ever be able to trust people again? With the neglect, as well as the abuse I became a ghost and talked to no one. I was judged by a lot of people and was condemned by most of them as well. As well I wanted to keep the family secret so I trusted no one... well almost no one. I also got to the point where I thought I wasn't worth anybody else's time. Even now I struggle with asking for help or starting the conversation. I know it's not true but I always think I'd be wasting their time. It's not easy to break that and actually trust people. It means being vulnerable... letting go... something I haven't been able to do in a very long time, if I ever could.
Why do I still want their approval? I know it's a lost cause. I know I made it through... I got my degree... I've got a job... yet I still want them to say "Job well done." I keep in touch hoping that one day I will actually hear some sort of praise.... And because I never heard it while growing up I doubt myself and my abilities all the time. I second guess myself and while I can easily find fault in something I'm doing... I don't accept the compliments of others very well. I managed to just shrug it off.
Should I sever all ties? Being in contact with them only causes more pain for me. Things have never changed and they still deny there was any abuse. That leaves me wondering if I should even have contact with them. That comes back to the loyalty. I feel like I have to stay in touch... like I am a bad daughter if I don't.
One of the most challenging questions is "Who am I?" I've been wearing masks for so long... and hiding who I was... that I've forgotten who I really am. The effects of being a victim of abuse is so entwined in my identity that it really has shaped who I am and where I am in my life. All of my coping mechanisms have been extremely negative and often quite damaging. I didn't care if I lived or died. I was an anorexic by the time I was 10. Needless to say that has health consequences and has made it difficult for me to gain weight. I've had alcohol poisoning more times then I would like to admit to. I always set myself up for bad situations even though I know better... and as a result have been raped by 5 different people. So now I see sex as pretty much meaningless (except for Adam... that was different) and it has an association with violence. Cutting yourself on purpose is obviously fucked up and harmful. I went to university to prove that my parents were wrong... that I really could do something with my life. I went into psychology and looking back I wonder if it was an attempt to heal myself or because I had been there so I wanted to help others. So when you start removing all those things and peeling back the layers what is left? Who am I?
I also wonder if the following quote is true... and if it is... then is there even a point to dealing with it and working through the emotions?
"Man... cannot learn to forget, but hangs on the past: however far or fast he runs, that chain runs with him." (Friedrich Nietzsche)
I was raised going to church every Sunday and with the whole Christian values. The Bible says to honor your parents and love them. So I feel like I shouldn't hate them... which leads to me wondering what the appropriate response is. I also wonder if I have to forgive them in order to move forward. I'm not sure I can do it.
I also wonder how I can face the pain... the hurt... all the emotions without self destructing. Now that is something I am good at. I'm surprised I am even still alive. I never thought I would be. Between the eating disorder, the self-injury, the binge drinking, the risky sex, and the smoking... They're the only coping mechanisms I know. And all of them are damaging, one way or another.
If I actually face it and work past it will I ever be able to trust people again? With the neglect, as well as the abuse I became a ghost and talked to no one. I was judged by a lot of people and was condemned by most of them as well. As well I wanted to keep the family secret so I trusted no one... well almost no one. I also got to the point where I thought I wasn't worth anybody else's time. Even now I struggle with asking for help or starting the conversation. I know it's not true but I always think I'd be wasting their time. It's not easy to break that and actually trust people. It means being vulnerable... letting go... something I haven't been able to do in a very long time, if I ever could.
Why do I still want their approval? I know it's a lost cause. I know I made it through... I got my degree... I've got a job... yet I still want them to say "Job well done." I keep in touch hoping that one day I will actually hear some sort of praise.... And because I never heard it while growing up I doubt myself and my abilities all the time. I second guess myself and while I can easily find fault in something I'm doing... I don't accept the compliments of others very well. I managed to just shrug it off.
Should I sever all ties? Being in contact with them only causes more pain for me. Things have never changed and they still deny there was any abuse. That leaves me wondering if I should even have contact with them. That comes back to the loyalty. I feel like I have to stay in touch... like I am a bad daughter if I don't.
One of the most challenging questions is "Who am I?" I've been wearing masks for so long... and hiding who I was... that I've forgotten who I really am. The effects of being a victim of abuse is so entwined in my identity that it really has shaped who I am and where I am in my life. All of my coping mechanisms have been extremely negative and often quite damaging. I didn't care if I lived or died. I was an anorexic by the time I was 10. Needless to say that has health consequences and has made it difficult for me to gain weight. I've had alcohol poisoning more times then I would like to admit to. I always set myself up for bad situations even though I know better... and as a result have been raped by 5 different people. So now I see sex as pretty much meaningless (except for Adam... that was different) and it has an association with violence. Cutting yourself on purpose is obviously fucked up and harmful. I went to university to prove that my parents were wrong... that I really could do something with my life. I went into psychology and looking back I wonder if it was an attempt to heal myself or because I had been there so I wanted to help others. So when you start removing all those things and peeling back the layers what is left? Who am I?
I also wonder if the following quote is true... and if it is... then is there even a point to dealing with it and working through the emotions?
"Man... cannot learn to forget, but hangs on the past: however far or fast he runs, that chain runs with him." (Friedrich Nietzsche)
Raw Emotion
The fight with mom got me thinking... not like I need any help with that one. I spend too much time thinking as it is. But that fight brought things into focus for me. It helped me realize just how much power she had over me and how it was affecting me, even now. I've been out of that environment for 8 years now. Best thing for me was when my parents moved to BC and it was life on my terms. And then I moved to Peterborough. That wouldn't be a big deal except that mom ended up here as well. In some respects I feel like I did when I lived at home... all over again. I can't go through that again. I won't.
But with that realization also came great pain. I had acknowledged the emotional abuse... but I had made excuses for it and let her have power over me. I refused to allow myself to feel anything. I was scared I would self destruct. Plus when you are still in the situation you have to be strong. I wanted to be numb... to feel nothing. It was also about protecting myself. But now I am on my own and at a crossroads. A couple of days ago I was faced with the raw emotion that comes with accepting the fact you were a victim and there was nothing you could do about it. As a control freak I hate accepting the fact I had no power.
It's really difficult to face the fact your world view is completely based on lies and that your entire identity has been formulated around protection and the instability of family life. The other reason that I have been reluctant to face this is because it involves stripping down everything I know about myself and rebuilding. I have no idea who I am underneath that all.
When all you know is pain it's actually challenging to think about happiness. It seems like that would be a contradiction but there's safety in what you know and fear of the unknown. That's one more thing holding me back. Misery loves company
But with that realization also came great pain. I had acknowledged the emotional abuse... but I had made excuses for it and let her have power over me. I refused to allow myself to feel anything. I was scared I would self destruct. Plus when you are still in the situation you have to be strong. I wanted to be numb... to feel nothing. It was also about protecting myself. But now I am on my own and at a crossroads. A couple of days ago I was faced with the raw emotion that comes with accepting the fact you were a victim and there was nothing you could do about it. As a control freak I hate accepting the fact I had no power.
It's really difficult to face the fact your world view is completely based on lies and that your entire identity has been formulated around protection and the instability of family life. The other reason that I have been reluctant to face this is because it involves stripping down everything I know about myself and rebuilding. I have no idea who I am underneath that all.
When all you know is pain it's actually challenging to think about happiness. It seems like that would be a contradiction but there's safety in what you know and fear of the unknown. That's one more thing holding me back. Misery loves company
The Fight
This has been a tough week... from an emotional standpoint. It started with the fight I had with my mother over staying in a motel before going to see the doctor. Then I was talking to Adam and he was commenting on how absurd it is to fight over something like that. It really brought things into focus for me. This is pretty much every conversation with her. It doesn't matter how insignificant there will always be a fight. And I am so fucking tired of putting up with that shit to keep the family peace. People can tell when I've talked to her because I am a different person. The light in my eyes is gone and I am crushed... Suzanne seems to think I should stop worrying about what mom thinks and stop trying to change her mind. She also said not to defend my decision. So then I am just letting her win by staying silent. That actually reminds me of life at home. Suzanne was the passive one who put up with it... I fought back... and mom actually left me alone more because I refused to bow down and show emotion. I fought back and I wasn't as easy a target. Of course, Suzanne also denies that there was any abuse at all. 20 years later it's still the same. My issue isn't even with the fight and what it was about. I don't fucking care about that. What I care about is that everything with her is a fight. I care about the fact it's about control and, in some ways, the past. Even though I am 27 and don't live at home she still treats me the same as when I was younger. Nothing is ever good enough... there is always something wrong. Granted she is not putting me down now but she does fight me on just about everything. Mom has the power to bring me to tears... one of the few people that can. And in that fight she did. So, in some ways, the light went on. I am tired of dealing with that BS and that pain. That's all it is, wrapped in a lie called loyalty. It's a hard truth but an undeniable one.
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