Pick Your Battles

My relationsip with my mother has never been good. It has always been a fight. I would probably just cut myself off and have no contact with her since it takes so much energy out of me but at the same time I still want her approval. All I've ever wanted is for her to say, "Job well done" I called her the other day since I wanted to let her know I was going to the hematologist. It became yet another war. That was a few days ago and it still hurts. It made me realize the importance of picking your battles. Some things are just not worth fighting over. Of course, it's really easy to say that and much harder to practice. Why does she still get to me? Why can't I just let go? And , why does she have to fight about the stupidest shit? She still has too much power over me.

"Just Stop"

Some days I really like the band "Disturbed". Oh wait, that would be almost every day. Their new album rocks. Every time I hear the song "Just Stop" I am reminded of my family.

"Just Stop"

Just stop enough of the limitless critical comments on my life
Just stop the judgment and all of your pseudo-involvement in my life
Step back a moment, and look at the miracle starting in our life
Don't stop the moment, and let the incredible happen knowing that

All that you want is to criticize
Something for nothing
And all that I want is forgiveness one more time
To be the best in the world

Just stop with all of your little deliberate problems with my life
Enough of all the crippling, terrible pain we feel inside
Step back a moment, remember how the miracle started in our life
Take back the torment; I won't be enjoying this moment knowing that

All that you want is to criticize
Something for nothing
And all that I want is forgiveness one more time
I know that
All that we want is to feel inside
Some kind of comfort
And all that we've done
We can hide
We'll be the best in the world

All I ever wanted was to be a real source of compassion
From the moment that we found ourselves drowning
All I ever wanted was to be a real source of compassion
From the moment that we found ourselves drowning

All that you want is to criticize
Something for nothing
And all that I want is forgiveness one more time
I know that
All that we want is to feel inside
Some kind of comfort
And all that we've done
We can hide
We'll be the best in the world
We'll be the best in the world
Just stop enough of the limitless critical comments on my life
Just stop the judgment and all of your pseudo-involvement in my life

I grew up under the shadow that what I did was never going to be good enough... I still second guess myself, especially at work. Every conversation I have with my mom ends badly. I barely speak to her because I don't want the criticisms. If I want someone to insult me I do a good enough job on my own... I don't need someone else to do it for me. I guess I am reminded more of this song because I am going to be having dinner with my mom on Wednesday. Well that and the fact it's currently playing on the stero *lol* I'm still conflicted between cutting all contact and still trying to attain their approval... yet knowing it's hopeless. It's never going to change. No matter what I do it's never going to be good enough, for them any ways. It's sad when most of my life has been spent trying to prove them wrong. Even sadder that all I want to hear one day is "Job well done." There is nothing wrong with validation but it's hard when for so long you've believed the lie that it shapes who you are and you can't see the truth any more. You work so hard to prove yourself as worthy that nothing less then perfection is acceptable.

Heather

And all that I want is forgiveness one more time