The Recovery Process

I needed the vacation not only to relax but also to start the process of healing... For so long I thought that by acknowledging the abuse it was good enough. That was all I needed... And while there is freedom in reconizing it that alone does not bring with it healing.

As I write this I do feel a profound sense of loss. In many ways I am still just a child. I may be 27 years old but a part of me is trapped... a prisoner to the past. No family is perfect but most people grow up in a world of safety. To a child parents are godlike. We deify them. Whatever they say must be true. This has important ramifications when parents are abusive.

When someone we love dies we know that grief is a common response and that it is okay.. that it is a necessary step. When it comes to abuse it is still a topic that people don't want to talk about. Even in psychology we talk about the symptoms of abuse and how devastating it is for the victim but there are no real guidelines on how you should feel... and how you get past it.

How should I feel? Your entire worldview is shaped by what your family is like... for better and for worse. Should I grieve what I've lost? In a sense a part of me has died, namely the inquisitve child... the one that is still innocent.... that believes all people are good. Do I have a right to be angry? We're taught to internalize the anger and that hate and anger are negative emotions. Therefore, we shouldn't feel them. I am struggling with that. I understand the need to grieve... but because they're my parents I still feel, even 20 years later, that I shouldn't be angry. That they were just following the cycle of violence. But that would relieve them of their responsibility. It was their responsibility to protect me and they fell short. But I still can't bring myself to feel that rage.

The biggest challenge for me is whether or not I need to forgive them. There was a line in the movie "A Thousand Acres" that said "How do you forgive someone that shows no remorse?" It is much easier to forgive someone when they are truly sorry. How about when they deny? My parents have always denied the abuse and accused me of trying to disrupt the family. So how do you forgive them? And do I need to?

I wrestle with the answers to these questions and with the road that lies ahead. I know it's not an easy one since you can't just undo the past and be instantly cured. I have to change my entire belief system and in essence construct an entirely new reality. Step 1: Healing the hurt within.

"Just Stop"

Some days I really like the band "Disturbed". Oh wait, that would be almost every day. Their new album rocks. Every time I hear the song "Just Stop" I am reminded of my family.

"Just Stop"

Just stop enough of the limitless critical comments on my life
Just stop the judgment and all of your pseudo-involvement in my life
Step back a moment, and look at the miracle starting in our life
Don't stop the moment, and let the incredible happen knowing that

All that you want is to criticize
Something for nothing
And all that I want is forgiveness one more time
To be the best in the world

Just stop with all of your little deliberate problems with my life
Enough of all the crippling, terrible pain we feel inside
Step back a moment, remember how the miracle started in our life
Take back the torment; I won't be enjoying this moment knowing that

All that you want is to criticize
Something for nothing
And all that I want is forgiveness one more time
I know that
All that we want is to feel inside
Some kind of comfort
And all that we've done
We can hide
We'll be the best in the world

All I ever wanted was to be a real source of compassion
From the moment that we found ourselves drowning
All I ever wanted was to be a real source of compassion
From the moment that we found ourselves drowning

All that you want is to criticize
Something for nothing
And all that I want is forgiveness one more time
I know that
All that we want is to feel inside
Some kind of comfort
And all that we've done
We can hide
We'll be the best in the world
We'll be the best in the world
Just stop enough of the limitless critical comments on my life
Just stop the judgment and all of your pseudo-involvement in my life

I grew up under the shadow that what I did was never going to be good enough... I still second guess myself, especially at work. Every conversation I have with my mom ends badly. I barely speak to her because I don't want the criticisms. If I want someone to insult me I do a good enough job on my own... I don't need someone else to do it for me. I guess I am reminded more of this song because I am going to be having dinner with my mom on Wednesday. Well that and the fact it's currently playing on the stero *lol* I'm still conflicted between cutting all contact and still trying to attain their approval... yet knowing it's hopeless. It's never going to change. No matter what I do it's never going to be good enough, for them any ways. It's sad when most of my life has been spent trying to prove them wrong. Even sadder that all I want to hear one day is "Job well done." There is nothing wrong with validation but it's hard when for so long you've believed the lie that it shapes who you are and you can't see the truth any more. You work so hard to prove yourself as worthy that nothing less then perfection is acceptable.

Heather

And all that I want is forgiveness one more time