Email From Mom

I got an email from mom the other day. She asked how the "collage" career was going. Then went on to tell me she had a dog but it barked all the time. Now first of all it's not collage... it's college. And it's not like she said anything about it going well... And then spent more time talking about the dog. It's a sublminal thing (or maybe not all that hidden) but we end our writing with what matters most to us.... since that's what the reader will remember the most. Read: She cares more about the dog than me.

Skip ahead.... I was talking to my sister and found out that she gave away the dog already. It was quite nasty and would attack. So let's see... she cares more about this dog which she gave away. Great I feel so loved.

And We're Back

After an extended absence and some soul searching I'm back. I almost took the Blog offline permanently. I had realized that my sister was reading it and suddenly felt like I had to hold back what I was saying. I already have one Blog that is about the more mundane ongoings in my life... my way to keep people up to date, mainly so I don't have to talk to them. This one is supposed to be my inner thoughts... my release. If I was censoring myself I really didn't see the point i updating it. And just as I was about to delete it altogether (now part of that was just a withdrawal where I wanted to pretty much delete my entire online footprint) it hit on me to just change the web site address and continue to hide it. Now I can say what I want without fear of hurting someone. I'll leave the updates for another post. For now this is my welcome back.

Whack a Mole

I know that I haven't posted in a while but it's hard to keep up with 2 different blogs. As of late it just seems like it is one thing after another. I almost feel like I am under attack and have been withdrawing as of late. I prefer isolation any ways so it's not that big a deal. Relatively speaking I am fine.... I just want to be like a turtle and stick my head in my shell until the storm is over.

One of the big things right now is family. There is the adoption issues that have resurfaced again. My biological mother called me out of the blue to tell me that she would be in the area and wanted to know if I was available to meet. The timing was off and there was some missed communication. So now I am disappointed that I didn't get the chance to meet her. I am also relieved because I am not in the best frame of mind at the moment.

Conversations with my parents have also been less than smooth. I'm 28 years old. I think I can make my own decisions by now. And yes I do know that I need to find a job and I will. Do you not think that I have enough stress without being reminded of that? I hate to say it but the one thing that keeps going through my mind about the call I had with my dad is that it cost me about $9. The joys of long distance on a cell phone... and right now I don't really have that kind of money. It doesn't sound like a lot... but right now I need to come up with $30 to pay rent, $35 for my chiropractor appointment, $25 for Dell, and it would be kind of nice to be able to buy some groceries.... So spending $9 on a conversation where I was left feeling empty and worthless just makes it worse.

I've come to the conclusion that life is like a game of whack a mole. Just when you hit one mole and make him disappear another one pops up. It just never stops. Now where's that mallet when you need one.

Pain & Agony

The more time I spend talking to my mother the more manipulative I realize that she is. It brings back all kinds of memories of my youth and they are not fond memories. There is no support there, just pain. And each time the wounds are reopened. I have also discovered that I have spent the last 10 years on the run... running from my family... running from everything. I didn't want to deal with it. I just wanted to feel nothing. I figured that by walking away I wouldn't have to deal with it and could just escape. But the quote at the top of the page still holds true. "Man... cannot learn to forget, but hangs on the past: however far or fast he runs, that chain runs with him." Friedrich Nietzsche No matter how far and how fast I went I didn't escape and now am face to face with everything that I ran from.

It has left me with sadness and feeling vulnerable. All I really want is reassurance. I want to know that things are going to be okay. But when you're 28 years old you can't quite get away with having a security blanket. I am scared of human contact and the sense of touch because I didn't have that growing up. Scared that another person would see me as being weak and expose all the deficiencies that exist. Scared of being vulnerable. And those fears are holding me back. I am not free... I am nothing more then a prisoner in my gilded cage.

And now I almost feel like I should get away from technology and sit outside in the peace and quiet. Just me, my thoughts, and my tears. The long road from pain and agony to healing...

Grief & Mourning

All too often grief is associated with death. It's like you are not allowed to grieve for any other reason. As taken from Wikipedia, "Grief is a multi-faceted response to loss. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, it also has a physical, cognitive, behavioural, social and philosophical dimensions. Common to human experience is the death of a loved one, be they friend, family, or other. While the terms are often used interchangeably, bereavement often refers to the state of loss, and grief to the reaction to loss. Losses can range from loss of employment, pets, status, a sense of safety, order, possessions, to the loss of the people nearest to us. Our response to loss is varied and researchers have moved away from conventional views of grief (that is, that people move through an orderly and predictable series of responses to loss) to one that considers the wide variety of responses that are influenced by personality, family, culture, and spiritual and religious beliefs and practices."

Based on that grief is simply about loss... Everyone is different, a combination of genes and cultural background. No one reacts the same way to situations and not everyone grieves in the same way. When I had to put Tigger down it was a very tough thing for me. It was like he was my child. But I felt that it was stupid... He was a pet. Tigger was more then that to me. He was a part of the family. And I had every right to grieve his loss.

Whatever the loss... people have a right to grieve. As part of my healing I am allowing myself to grieve.... Grieving what I lost. I lost my innocence and my childhood. I was robbed through abuse and neglect. There is a sense of loss. Right and wrong was challenged... Lies and truth sometimes the same. And now I am mourning those losses and allowing myself to feel that pain, that hurt and the betrayals.

How We See Reality

I have come to the conclusion that 2+2 does not always equal 4, especially not to someone that has been victimized by abuse. Okay so I'm not really talking about mathematics there. I realize that 2+2 equals 4, and is a mathematical certainty. No matter what my beliefs tell me that is always going to be the case. Why is that? It seems to remind me of all the times I heard "Because I said so" as a justification. Not that I am here to debate mathematical beliefs... That was just bit of a tangent.

Most people grow up in a home life that is stable and supportive... where you get consistent messages. In home lives where there is abuse or neglect it is often unpredictable. The message you get one day might be the complete opposite of what you hear 2 days later. One day 2+2 might equal 4 and another it might equal 5. There is no consistency and you never know what to expect.

Abuse leads to a distorted view of reality. After all you think that this is normal. And it's tough when you eventually find out differently. How do you reconcile the lies? It's a splintered sense of self. There are common beliefs (like the 2+2 = 4) that people hold... Barring a low self esteem most people have the belief that they intrinsically have value. Someone that has been a victim of abuse tends to put a condition on that. "I am worth something if..." I could come up with a bunch of examples of that but it's late and I am really tired.

This post was sounding a lot better in my head then it is written out... probably because it's almost 3:00 in the morning. Interestingly enough, as I am writing this the song "Love Heals" just came up in my iTunes library. That is an appropriate song for the moment. In a perfect world we would all have been given the same message (or at least similar messages) and 2+2 would always equal 4 in our belief system. We would all recognize that we have value just for being alive and being who we are. But instead we have these splintered realities and fucked up lives. Welcome to reality baby.

Love & Pain

Winter is a time when most people feel slightly depressed. There is decreased sunlight and longer periods of darkness. It's also a time for post-holiday blues. I always have a hard time around this time of year. Christmas is supposed to be a time with family... For many that is not such a happy time. You can include me on that list. It is a reminder of the past. The only thing that runs through my head is "You're not good enough." And try as I might I can't get past that. I know better... I *know* it's a lie. But when you have been told something often enough you tend to believe it. It's a tough thing to get past. The Christmas season is a reminder of all these things. Love and pain are a tough combination... If I could hate or feel anger it would be so much easier. But this is my family and I still love them. But there is a great deal of pain mixed in there. Pain of betrayal... of the lies... Love & Pain

Family Affair

The holiday season is almost over... pretty soon it will be a brand new year. Yesterday it was time to spend time with the family. That's always a hard thing for me. I went out to lunch with my mom, my sister and my sister's family. I even brought home the chicken with me so even Azrael got some of it. Then we went to Animlia. I almost ended up coming home with fish... but decided I didn't have the cash for it. Plus I am not sure where I would put a fish tank. I had a few errands to run and then we came back here... well my mom had to go to work but the rest of us came back to my place. It was a nice visit. Suzanne knows to keep mom and I separated and only having short visits. I did find it interesting though when mom gave me my Christmas present there was no mention of dad. I know he's out on the west coast but they are still married.

This year Christmas was a little more strained then usual. Mom tried to get dad to come out for a visit. He hasn't even met his grand-daughter yet. But he refused because his siblings are out there. What are we? We may not be blood relatives but the last time I checked family isn't just about the blood ties. And Annika is his granddaughter. Mom may be a lot of things but at least she is trying to make the effort to know her. Apparently, grandma has been telling mom to just let him go... to let him have his own life. So this Christmas did bring with it some sadness. I think people should stay out of their marriage. Let them decide whether or not it is worth saving.

Time with family is also a reminder of the past. It reminds me of the self-doubt and all the times I was told I wasn't good enough and that I would never be anything. For that... I hate the holiday season. At least it is almost over.

Holiday Season

Another Christmas is in the books... I was at work all day and it was a pretty quiet day overall which is exactly what I wanted. I talked to my parents yesterday which meant today was all about work. I'll be glad when the holiday season is completely over. My sister will be coming down on Friday and that will be the extent of my holiday celebration. Well my mom will also be coming out to lunch with us. I have mixed emotions about it. Part of me just wants to be alone and enjoy the time off... but I also feel like I have an obligation to my family. I'm just so tired and lacking energy that all I want to do is sleep so whenever anyone wants me to do something on my days off I am reluctant.

The Holiday Season

We're now in the middle of the holiday season. I hate going shopping because it's always crowded and people are always in a hurry. Of course I am not that crazy about shopping on a good day.

The holiday season is also about family. I won't be seeing my family at all during the holidays. My dad is in BC and, as for the rest of my family, I am working throughout the holidays. It's about staying busy and making some extra money.

My friends are basically family to me. They watch over me and support me. It's my friends that keep me going. Right now I can think of three people... Amy... Tammy... and Christie. They all have my back. Some days I think I'm their pet project though. That they feel somewhat responsible for me... or are trying to protect me. People do seem to have a nurturing instinct when it comes to me. I appreciate my friends and everything they do for me. So the holidays are about spending time with friends.

'Tis the Season

It's about that time of year to become more withdrawan and to be more melancholy. I don't suffer from seasonal affective disorder or depression. It's just something about this time of year. I think it really is the decreased daylight as well as the colder weather. I can't walk to work now. And the pain with the fibromyalgia is also increased. I think it's also the upcoming holiday season. Whatever the reason... I just want to hibernate. Wake me up in the spring. I also have to be careful because I have a tendency to go for some retail therapy when either stressed or down. I've already noticed it. I'm begining to think I need to hide the bank card so I can't spend anything. Well okay I do need to see the dentist... but other then that... Worst part is we are just starting to get the cooler weather... so it's going to be a long winter.

My Life as a Cutter

WARNING: The following might be graphic and is potentially triggering. So you may not want to continue reading if you are currently feeling tempted yourself.

Some days I really wish there could be peace. I always feel like I am looking for answers. I am looking for a reason. Why did thing happen the way they did? Is it all about fate? Or just randomness? Sometimes there are no easy answers... or answers at all. Just more questions.

In my head I know that my mom lied to me. I know that I was a victim. But as I struggle to stay afloat and avoid bankrupcy there is this still small voice in my head wondering if maybe she was right. Maybe I really am nothing. Maybe I really will amount to nothing. I should be proud of the job I do at work and the fact I've been there for 4 years. But as I struggle to make ends meet pride gives way to doubt.

The more I doubt myself the more I feel like I am surrounded by blackness. When I was younger I learned that the only way I could bring about balance and stop the emotional pain was to cut. The scars are a reminder and are nothing compared to the pain of being a survivor. But there is so much shame in self-injury. I almost lost my job because of it (the irony being that I hadn't cut in 9 months at the time). But every day I still battle it. The temptation is strong, overwhelming at times. I fear that my strength just won't be enough. I fear that I will go back to it.

The only question that I wanted answered is why? Why did this happen to me? It is a question that will never have an answer. There is no why... there is only the need to get past it. To move on with life and learn from the past.

Law & Order: SVU

I was watching Law and Order: SVU tonight... well it's still currently on... and there was an interesting statistic. They said that if you are raped then you are 7x more likely to be raped again. That is a really interesting statistic. Makes me wonder why that would be the case. Is it related to personality... fear... PTSD... social networks... support systems.... something else? We can always hypothesize but we'll never really know for sure. It's not like we can actually do an experiment to find out. I believe there are a number of factors... I come from a broken home with abuse, never knowing who to trust. I had no support system and my friends were more on the surface then anything else. That was what set me up for disaster in the first place... I trusted the wrong person. I thought people were good. And I got burned. Then I vowed that I wouldn't trust anyone... that no one could have the power to hurt me. But I didn't care about myself and walked into some bad situations trying to prove to myself that I wasn't a victim. And ended up becoming a victim all over again. It was all too easy to blame myself because I didn't fight back... and in some cases I didn't openly say no. The most f'ed up part is that I actually find myself somewhat relieved that it happened to me instead of someone else. I know that's my own self-worth issues and that undoubtedly relates back to the statistic I mentioned at the beginning of the post.

Dream

It's unusual for me to remember my dreams... and I might only remember because the cable company called and woke me up today. Actually I have been having more lucid dreams lately... probably because of the medication I am on. But any ways... in this dream I was with my family, only I was younger. The people living next door were strange. Their son was a prisoner and being mistreated. In time we went in to rescue him and took him from the house (translation: we kidnapped him). When we got him to safety we found paperwork... and this paper work indicated he was adopted. Then he was using a computer program to randomly match with good parents. It had characteristics of each person and then you choose who you wanted. At this point I was woken up. I don't think I even need to go into the dream analysis for that one. It's pretty explanatory. Apparently I can't even get away from my family in my dreams.

Shame & Guilt

Quite often we use the words shame and guilt interchangeably. Fossum and Mason stated, "While guilt is a painful feeling of regret and responsibility for one's actions, shame is a painful feeling about oneself as a person." It has also been said "guilt is 'the feeling that what you have DONE is wrong,' and that shame is 'the feeling that what you ARE is wrong.'"

When you come from a life of abuse there is a lot of shame involved. It's very hard to admit that you were a victim. For so long you have thought that this was normal and all families are like this. Inevitably there are also thoughts that you brought this on yourself.

You feel that you are inferior and don't respect yourself. Even though you don't know the first thing about trust and healthy relationships you still think that you should've known better. Take the rape for example. I feel like I should've known better. I do feel somewhat responsible even though it was not my fault. I was the victim but I have a hard time taking on that role.

Shame is a powerful emotion. I know that shame is holding me back. I am ashamed of decisions that I have made. I am also ashamed of the trust issues... the communication issues... and even of events that I had no control over.

So that silence... of bearing the weight myself... stems from a world of shame and embarassment. And when that is all you know how do you get past that? Does healing ever occur?

Easy Way Out

I'm still spending way too much time trying to process everything that happens... just trying to make sense of the world. I've come to realize that my silence and not trusting anyone is about taking the easy way out. It's much easier to keep it to myself then it is to admit that I don't know the first thing about healthy relationships or trust. I don't even know how I should feel. That world is all I know. All I know is pain. I am basically self taught. I come from a world of neglect. As a result I've walked into some brutal situations... and I feel like I should've known better. That vow of silence is also about deficiencies. I overcompensate for my past and have this idea that I have to be perfect. Needless to say I'll never live up to that. I know it's cost me... but I don't know how to change it. I don't know how to ask for help... I had no examples to go by when I was growing up so to a certain degree I make it up as I go along.

I am still intimidated by public speaking... I've always been a ghost in the background.... trying not to stand out. I'm afraid of being wrong.... I'm afraid of being reprimanded. I don't feel safe. I feel exposed. I know what I am doing and I really need to overcome that if I want to move up in the company. It's not like I need to second guess myself every step of the way. I'm not always going to be right and that's okay. I need to bring perception in line with reality. Well basically I need to stop taking the easy way out. Take a chance and admit that I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.

Art of Manipulation

Manipulate can be defined as, "influence, manage, use, or control to one's advantage by artful or indirect means." To a certain degree I think we all use manipulation at times to get our way. It's effective... especially for some people.

I was reading an excerpt from the book "In Sheep's Clothing" and realized there was a lot of truth to it. We don't want to admit that we have been manipulated or that someone has control over us so it can be difficult to break free.

I know a few people that have perfected the art of manipulation. The worst part is that it almost always involves some type of faked interest or concern about my life... but they know I'll be the doormat. It's part of my nature to be the helper... I'll be there to listen no matter what it costs me.

Val does a great job of being manipulative. Because of her I spent 4 months living in fear... and she made it so that I couldn't trust anyone else. She also was the reason for my LOA. Meanwhile, while she was busy destroying me... I made a great therapist. Not that she was ever going to listen to my advice but misery loves company. Talk about a relationship built on power and control... with nothing in common. I never have MSN on these days because I don't want empty conversations about nothing. People kept telling me to break free of the relationship but I had trouble believing that she was like that. Whenever she was losing control just take on the sick role.

Steve is another person that has really perfected manipulation... I HATE him but I can't seem to break free. There are very few people that have hurt me as much as he has. But he knows what buttons to push and how to keep me from severing all ties permanently... or pressing charges for that matter. There's always an element of fear just under the surface. He preys on the family life I had and the fact I was victimized. I am sure he is trying to find a way to make sure I don't go to Niagara Falls permanently. He already commented on how there will be a lot of competetion... knowing that it would lead me to doubt myself. But I know that trick... He also made comments about management having an issue with me... but followed that with Niagara being the best thing for me... so that it sounds like he wants me to go... but in reality just wants me to doubt myself so that I don't get the job.

It all comes back to my mother though... She is the winner in that category. The job opportunity in Niagara Falls is a perfect example. She started by using the family as a reason not to go. Hmm.. that was one of my biggest motivators to go. When that didn't work then she went into the job I currently have. She seemed to think I'd want to do this forever. i love my job but no I don't want to do it forever. That one didn't work either. So then she had to go on the attack. Then she focused in on the competetion and how I couldn't do the job. Now she has no experience in the field... has never heard about my performance at work... and has no way of knowing whether or not I could do the job. I think she figured she won, or at least scored some points, with that one because she then let it go.

Truth & Consequences

We all lie... or withhold the truth. It's part of human nature. Some days I think we are driven by secrets and lies. But those lies can have serious consequences.. especially if you don't know they are lies. Just take a look at my family.

You have to be thin to be desirable. This one was actually an unwritten rule... but just as damaging. My sister couldn't live up to that expectation and was ridiculed as a result. I had an eating disorder for a decade to compensate but I never felt any better.

You're a slut. This one was one of the many insults my mother actually used. One of the biggest issues with this statement is that there is no point in being anything else. It really is self-defeating. If someone sees you as something you either fight it or give in to it. Told something long enough you end up giving in to it. That is what I became. I had a whole variety of reasons: to get over the sexual assault... to be numb... and because I'd been told it my entire life.

You're a bitch. As a kid how do you respond to that?

You're worthless. It's another self-destructive lie. But you spend your entire life trying to attain the unattainable. You believe that somehow you have to be good enough... to earn your worth. But it's a fallacy because you can never reach that, no matter what you do. The definition of wortless is "no worth or value." It's one of the most damaging lies. There is no escape and it becomes engrained in your head. Now I spend way too much time and energy trying to get their approval... and it will never happen.

You'll never amount to anything. The other damaging lie. When you are 13 years old and that gets beat into your head how do you combat it? I became a perfectionist.... I was always trying to prove them wrong. I had to succeed. I graduated from university to prove to them I could do it. But I still see myself as a failure.

These lies stay with you. When told by a parent, or someone we trust, we believe them. In turn these lies become our reality. I don't see myself as having value just for being me... I always feel like I have to prove myself. I have to earn my worth. No kid should ever have to go through that.

The Recovery Process

I needed the vacation not only to relax but also to start the process of healing... For so long I thought that by acknowledging the abuse it was good enough. That was all I needed... And while there is freedom in reconizing it that alone does not bring with it healing.

As I write this I do feel a profound sense of loss. In many ways I am still just a child. I may be 27 years old but a part of me is trapped... a prisoner to the past. No family is perfect but most people grow up in a world of safety. To a child parents are godlike. We deify them. Whatever they say must be true. This has important ramifications when parents are abusive.

When someone we love dies we know that grief is a common response and that it is okay.. that it is a necessary step. When it comes to abuse it is still a topic that people don't want to talk about. Even in psychology we talk about the symptoms of abuse and how devastating it is for the victim but there are no real guidelines on how you should feel... and how you get past it.

How should I feel? Your entire worldview is shaped by what your family is like... for better and for worse. Should I grieve what I've lost? In a sense a part of me has died, namely the inquisitve child... the one that is still innocent.... that believes all people are good. Do I have a right to be angry? We're taught to internalize the anger and that hate and anger are negative emotions. Therefore, we shouldn't feel them. I am struggling with that. I understand the need to grieve... but because they're my parents I still feel, even 20 years later, that I shouldn't be angry. That they were just following the cycle of violence. But that would relieve them of their responsibility. It was their responsibility to protect me and they fell short. But I still can't bring myself to feel that rage.

The biggest challenge for me is whether or not I need to forgive them. There was a line in the movie "A Thousand Acres" that said "How do you forgive someone that shows no remorse?" It is much easier to forgive someone when they are truly sorry. How about when they deny? My parents have always denied the abuse and accused me of trying to disrupt the family. So how do you forgive them? And do I need to?

I wrestle with the answers to these questions and with the road that lies ahead. I know it's not an easy one since you can't just undo the past and be instantly cured. I have to change my entire belief system and in essence construct an entirely new reality. Step 1: Healing the hurt within.

Therapy

I went to the chiropractor's today. I love Charlene although it's weird... she can read me better then most people I know. I don't even have to say anything and she knows whether it's a good day... bad day.... something major going on... She also does a good job working on my back but it's kind of scary how she can read me. But this is how the first 5 minutes or so went...

C - So did you get the results from the blood tests yet?
M - Yes I did
C - Well...
M - The platelet count is back to normal. The white blood cell count is a little low but the doctor wasn't too concerned about it.
C - The red blood cell count, is that still low?
M - That count cam back fine all three times.
C - So whatdo they think it is?
M - No idea. They seem to think I'm fine.
C - Amazing how they go from thinking the bone marrow may not be producing blood cells to you're healthy. You had me scared.
M - Me too
C - I was thinking I was going to have to drive you to Kingston or something.
C - With the suppressed immune system do you think it might be chronic stress?
M - Maybe... Stress... what stress?
C - I was thinking family stress
M - Oh you mean like my mother arguing with me about driving up to Scarborough the night before.
C - Are you serious?
M - Yep. She brought me to tears. It was impressive actually.
C - Ever thought about going to see a counsellor?
M - Hmm... last time I went to see one they just wanted to talk about my ex and how he was feeling
C - Okay a good one....

I'll leave out the rest of the conversation... but I thought it was interesting. I haven't seen her in a couple of weeks. The last few times I've been in it has been about the doctors and whether or not there has been any news. My family hasn't been a topic of conversation in quite a while... so why now? Shows just how well she can read me.

And as far as therapy goes... I know what's wrong with me. What, is it going to turn into a repeat of "Good Will Hunting" with them saying, "It's not your fault." I know it's not. I also know how to work the system. I was in mandatory counselling back when I was in high school. I let them believe things were going well and never really got anywhere. I know you're supposed to be honest when in therapy... but I do't even trust my friends and keep them at a distance. So why would I just open up to a therapist? I still have that protective shell. I don't talk about me. At least not about anything serious. I don't want anyone to see the emotion... and I don't want to feel it. So yes therapy would probably be beneficial... assuming that I could allow myself to be honest and trust that person... not something that comes easy to me.