I Don't Understand

In some ways this is the condensed version of a previous post and in some ways it's an expansion. In a nutshell I have a stalker. This person has an obsession with me and will not give up... in spite of 3 relationships. Not sure what I can do to convince this person that I am not interested. A few weeks ago things escalated with them. A more detailed synopsis can be found here. This post really isn't about my relationship them it's about my relationship with my mom.

The whole thing has left me with the phrase, "I don't understand" constantly going through my mind. I thought that parents were supposed to actually look out for the well-being of their children... even believe what they have to say. Instead she keeps trying to convince me that he is really just a good friend, even to the point of arguing with me.

I must say that if someone I knew (whether it was family, friend, acquaintance) said that they had a stalker and that this person had made them feel fear in their own home my reaction would have been much different. My first reaction would be to find out if they were okay and to make sure they were safe at that moment. Second to that would be to find out if they wanted to file a police report and if so if they wanted moral support.

It is not something to be taken lightly. And if someone feels threatened like that the last thing I would want to do is defend the other person and try to convince them that it wasn't true. Other people may have limited exposure to what's going on but really don't see the inner dynamics of the relationship. The victim sees it... and lives it.... and if they feel intimidated/bullied/harrassed by someone the last thing we should do is make them thing they're wrong and it's all in their head. Ultimately that just gives the stalker more power and makes the other person feel even more victimized.

Back to my mother though... I don't understand how she can simply say what a good friend he is when she knows next to nothing about him. She's met him for all of 5 minutes and that was about 3 years ago. Yes I make use of him to take me grocery shopping and what not... mainly because he won't leave me alone any ways... there have to be some perks. But that does not make a good friend. Let's make a list of all the things he's done that do not make for good friends.

• A good friend does not take advantage of you sexually when you're drunk and can't legally consent
• A good friend does not show up randomly, uninvited (now there are some friends that I would accept that from but that's because they won't show up ALL the time)
• A good friend does not try to break up your relationships so that you'll have more time for them
• A good friend does not try to prevent you from having a relationship
• A good friend does not make you feel claustrophibic where you see them so often that no one else seems to get your time
• A good friend accepts the fact that "no" really means no and allows you to move on.... without clinging to some hope that no might really become yes if you wait long enough
• A good friend can accept the fact that maybe it really is about them
• A good friend is not manipulative, controlling, and obsessive
• A good friend will not introduce fear into your home and make you scared

So, he's just a good friend? Mom even got mad at me when a week later I was ignoring him. Went back to trying to convince me that he was just trying to be a good friend and that he had no one... So I must be the mean one. Mmm kay.... I just don't understand.... And maybe that's a good thing. It means I'm not like her.

Demons

They say there is a defining moment in your life. Well that is what the movies say any ways. Now I wouldn't actually say that this is the defining moment... but it definitely has led to reflection. I never thought I'd live to see 25 so I did make it further then expected.

Right now there is a wide range of emotions. In the last few days I think I have come face to face with every personal demon... every skeleton in the closet. Well, it really started a month ago when I went to the doctor. But the emotional turmoil has been stronger in the last few days.

I've spent my entire life pushing people away, not trusting them... and refusing to allow anyone close to me. So now I feel really alone and isolated. I am not close to my family and have no support system. So now I feel like I am all alone with a huge weight on my shoulders. The uncertainty... the questions.... the number of times I have cheated death.... But it's not just my own mortality that I seem to be facing.

There is also pain and a sense of loss... not just from my home life... but from those times when I was a victim. Part of me still wants to blame myself... and then part of me does recognize that it was not my fault. It's so much easier to blame yourself... then it is to admit that the world is not a safe place... and that you can be a victim. I've always had the attitude that I am a survivor and I don't want to see myself as a victim... Back to the idea that I have to be so strong so I can't see myself as a victim. To me that's weakness.

Along with that also goes a sense of anger. Anger at the people that have taken advantage of me... including my parents.... After all they shaped my world view and how I see myself. They damaged my sense of self-worth and lied to me. But also anger at the people that victimized me and stripped me of my power.

I've spent years feeling nothing... blaming myself. So it's very tough for me to feel these emotions and try to come to terms with them. Some of these things clash with my beliefs. Somehow I have to be able to accept the fact I am not going to be strong all the time and that is okay. More importantly I have to face the fact that I was a victim. This does not mean that my identity is that of a victim but I can't get past that... to me I'd be admitting to a victim personality. A victim of circumstance... saying "Poor me" but that is not who I am. Lastly, I have to admit to myself that my parents were not the idealized people that I thought they were.

As I said before I never thought I'd see 25. I figured I'd be dead because of suicide, an OD, or something else. I never really valued my life. It's always been so full of pain that I didn't care if I lived or died. So here I am... Before someone says I am a hypochondriac or am being dramatic I don't believe I am dying. But if it is serious then I have to decide whether to stand and fight... or just lay down. It's easy for me to say I'll fight... but what the hell am I fighting for? More pain and hurt. Is it really worth fighting for?

It's one of those moments when I really recognize the pain.... the depths of the hurt... my own humanity. Basically the inner turmoil. And as Nietzsche said "He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you." But how do you face those demons? How do you change your entire belief system and world view when it's all you know? How do you let go of pain and move on when that is all you know?

These are not easy questions to answer... for me any ways. When all you know is pain it becomes a comfort zone and you end up afraid of happiness. It also means facing all those emotions that I was unable to, or refused to before. For someone that has difficulty with emotions that is a daunting task. You're asking me to feel fear... to feel the pain... to feel the
rage... and to grieve the losses. And to do so without going back to some self destructive way of avoidance. I don't think I can do that. I know I need to.... but I'm scared to do it.

When everything is stripped away what is left? This is not the first time I have wrestled with that question... Of wondering who I am underneath that. My identity has been shaped by the events of the past and the negativity that stems from it. I created a cold, tough exterior for self-preservation. I refused to allow myself to feel anything to protect myself from the abuse. The long lasting effects. So if you take all that away what is underneath? Who am I?