The Darkness

Today is the first time in a very long time I feel virtually consumed by the darkness.... It just seems so black and hopeless.  I don't get angry very often.  But when I do it's very ugly.  I don't deal well with anger because it's such a strong and powerful emotion.  And all I want to do is restore some semblance of balance.  It's no wonder I am extremely tempted to go back to the self-injury.  I know it would bring me back to homeostasis or at least close to it.  It is taking a great deal of self-control for me not to... Well that and knowing that tomorrow I will be in a bathing suit and would rather not be asked about new scars.  *lol*

I've also gone back to old ways of complete isolation.... I've cut myself off and refuse to ask for help.  For as much as I tell other people not to be an island I haven't exactly learned that lesson myself.  I'm getting better but this is one time when I just want to be alone.

Azrael has been a great companion all evening.  He has been quite needy... probably feeding off the energy and the fact I've actually been watching TV and not playing online.  So I have been all for giving him attention.  It has calmed me down.... maybe not completely but still even a little calmer is an improvement.

Can I just stick my head in the sand... or become like a turtle until this is over?  I know that's not how life works.  I have to gut it out and get past this.  Tommorow I am getting together with friends.  It's either going to be really good for me... or really bad... not entirely sure which.  Time will tell.

Justified Anger

I found out today that my former team manager has applied for a position at the Niagara Falls site. That news brings with it a certain amount of anger. I'm still not sure if it's justified or not... but I feel anger nonetheless. Nothing I did was ever going to be good enough for her. I worked my ass off day in and day out and it still wasn't enough. She cost me about $2000 with the LOA and I ended up on disciplinary action. If that wasn't enough she also cost me my raise and the possibility of a promotion. There was something satisfying about the fact she was an acting team manager until Diane comes back from maternity leave. I do not believe that she has earned the position. Chris will step on anyone to get what she wants. So the thought of her having a permanent position brings with it some unresolved anger issues. Not to mention the fact I was considering a position there when posted again... and Pat got a position there. I would really have to give it some thought if she was going to be the manager over me. I don't respect her and would have trouble with round 2.

I suspect that one way or another she will weasel her way in and will be around for a long time to come. Either she will head off to Niagara or a position will open up here and she will be given a permanent position. After all, Heather is also applying for a position there. So if she goes then a position would likely become available here. I pity anyone that works under Chris, I really do. I've been there... I know what the results are.

What I really don't understand is why they still think she is such a golden child. She is trying to turn it into a police state. None (or very few) of the PCs respect her. And when your subordinates don't respect you that's not a good sign. She showed her ineptitude with my LOA. How did it get to the point where I was considered a threat to myself or to others? Should it not have been dealt with sooner? I learned first hand that what your superior says goes and there is nothing you can do (or very little). Christie has said it's a night and day difference from what is in my file. That, to me at least, begs the question... Am I really that different now? Was the LOA really necessary? Or is it because I am away from my former TM? Dave was one of the most senior PCs and she made him feel like he couldn't do anything right. She openly insulted me in front of the agents. Some of her ideas just seem to be in left field. Since I went on my LOA back in January there are only 2 people still left on the team. Now 3 of them were promoted... but still. Those numbers don't seem to be very good. So why do they think so highly of her? She is one of the worst managers I've ever had... and yet they love her. I just don't get it...

Demons

They say there is a defining moment in your life. Well that is what the movies say any ways. Now I wouldn't actually say that this is the defining moment... but it definitely has led to reflection. I never thought I'd live to see 25 so I did make it further then expected.

Right now there is a wide range of emotions. In the last few days I think I have come face to face with every personal demon... every skeleton in the closet. Well, it really started a month ago when I went to the doctor. But the emotional turmoil has been stronger in the last few days.

I've spent my entire life pushing people away, not trusting them... and refusing to allow anyone close to me. So now I feel really alone and isolated. I am not close to my family and have no support system. So now I feel like I am all alone with a huge weight on my shoulders. The uncertainty... the questions.... the number of times I have cheated death.... But it's not just my own mortality that I seem to be facing.

There is also pain and a sense of loss... not just from my home life... but from those times when I was a victim. Part of me still wants to blame myself... and then part of me does recognize that it was not my fault. It's so much easier to blame yourself... then it is to admit that the world is not a safe place... and that you can be a victim. I've always had the attitude that I am a survivor and I don't want to see myself as a victim... Back to the idea that I have to be so strong so I can't see myself as a victim. To me that's weakness.

Along with that also goes a sense of anger. Anger at the people that have taken advantage of me... including my parents.... After all they shaped my world view and how I see myself. They damaged my sense of self-worth and lied to me. But also anger at the people that victimized me and stripped me of my power.

I've spent years feeling nothing... blaming myself. So it's very tough for me to feel these emotions and try to come to terms with them. Some of these things clash with my beliefs. Somehow I have to be able to accept the fact I am not going to be strong all the time and that is okay. More importantly I have to face the fact that I was a victim. This does not mean that my identity is that of a victim but I can't get past that... to me I'd be admitting to a victim personality. A victim of circumstance... saying "Poor me" but that is not who I am. Lastly, I have to admit to myself that my parents were not the idealized people that I thought they were.

As I said before I never thought I'd see 25. I figured I'd be dead because of suicide, an OD, or something else. I never really valued my life. It's always been so full of pain that I didn't care if I lived or died. So here I am... Before someone says I am a hypochondriac or am being dramatic I don't believe I am dying. But if it is serious then I have to decide whether to stand and fight... or just lay down. It's easy for me to say I'll fight... but what the hell am I fighting for? More pain and hurt. Is it really worth fighting for?

It's one of those moments when I really recognize the pain.... the depths of the hurt... my own humanity. Basically the inner turmoil. And as Nietzsche said "He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you." But how do you face those demons? How do you change your entire belief system and world view when it's all you know? How do you let go of pain and move on when that is all you know?

These are not easy questions to answer... for me any ways. When all you know is pain it becomes a comfort zone and you end up afraid of happiness. It also means facing all those emotions that I was unable to, or refused to before. For someone that has difficulty with emotions that is a daunting task. You're asking me to feel fear... to feel the pain... to feel the
rage... and to grieve the losses. And to do so without going back to some self destructive way of avoidance. I don't think I can do that. I know I need to.... but I'm scared to do it.

When everything is stripped away what is left? This is not the first time I have wrestled with that question... Of wondering who I am underneath that. My identity has been shaped by the events of the past and the negativity that stems from it. I created a cold, tough exterior for self-preservation. I refused to allow myself to feel anything to protect myself from the abuse. The long lasting effects. So if you take all that away what is underneath? Who am I?

Grab Bag of Emotions

I'm not sure how I should be feeling at the moment. I'm still trying to see this as a positive thing... that Chris did it for me. It is giving me time off to get some rest and do some work for Chaord Studios. If I'm ever going to do anything with it now would be the time. I've been doing some work on some new UFC DVDs. It will also be a good chance to do some web site design. So that is a good thing.

But it's also extremely frustrating. I feel like I am getting fucked, without a kiss to go with it. My parents can't even force me to get treatment so why is work able to? They refuse to allow me to go back to work. I've said all along that all I needed was sleep and they finally agreed. But in the last 3 weeks I have seen 3 doctors, the crisis nurse twice, and 2 psychiatrists. No one has indicated that I am a threat to myself or to anyone else... so what is the problem? I feel like my hands are tied and there is nothing I can do about it. It's pretty frustrating.

Off and on there are also flashes of anger. I'm angry about the way I've been treated... forced off work... forced onto treatment... not allowed to return. I might as well have gone through with the self-injury since that is where it started.

Lastly, there is also discouragement. I feel like I am fighting a losing battle. No one seems to be listening. The doctor told me that the "Fibromyalgia is a symptom of an underlying psychiatric condition." Then another doctor told me that I would never be treated for fibromyalgia in this town. With the increase in pain recently and the lack of sleep it's a little discouraging knowing that I won't be able to get treatment for a legitimate medical disorder and instead being told it's all psychiatric.

Of course all of this goes on my record at work, along with the two verbal warnings... so it does seem to be an uphill battle. One I am currently losing. While I am trying to remain positive about the whole thing there are also a lot of negatives.

Anger & Frustration

At this point I am angry enough to go back to the cutting. It's the reason I am off work so why not? And now I am off until I see the psychiatrist again. On one hand I don't want to give them the satisfaction. It's been 9 months now and I gave the knife away so I wouldn't be tempted. On the other hand, I want to prove a point. Cutting for me has always been about coping.. or not feeling anything at all. It's not about suicide. If I were drinking it wouldn't be an issue. I'd still be at work. Yet I am more likely to die from alcohol poisoning then with a knife. While I may not entirely condone the behaviour I am not entirely against it either. I believe there is too much of a stigma associated with it... and there is also a great deal of guilt.

Some of that anger comes from finances. They didn't pay me for any of the time off, not even the sick days. So my pay cheque was only for one week. Doesn't help me pay the bills. No idea when I'll get the money and it won't be 100%. It will be 60% of my wages.

Some of it is the LOA. They didn't tell I could refuse to take it. So I feel a little misled. I was under the impression that I had no choice. Had I known that I might not have been off work. Not to mention there is the whole aspect that they are forcing treatment on me. I had to make sure I was diagnosed with depression so that the doctor would clear me to return to work. So do I really have depression... we'll never really know.

The reason I am on an LOA is supposed to be confidential but it has been anything but. It would be one thing if I was off on a medical leave but since it's a mental leave I would rather people not know about it. Obviously, certain people have to know but at this rate they might as well send an email to the entire site since it has definitely not been kept confidential.

Lastly, there is the whole premise for the LOA. What they told me was that because I had the knife at work and gave it up I was considered a risk to myself or to others and I was on a leave until cleared by a doctor. I have now seen three doctors, the assessment nurse, and a psychiatrist and none of them considered me a risk. So... why am I not back at work? According to the letter they wrote the doctor my performance was lacking at work, I had numerous physical complaints, and then there was the knife. Of course, there are numerous physical complaints I am in chronic pain. I really haven't been sleeping either. That's also part of the reason my performance has been slipping. As for the knife... I had just seen my family.. was stressed with the roommate... and received 2 verbal warnings at work. I was stressed to the max and needed relief. The doctor they sent me to does not believe fibromyalgia is real which really didn't help. And he did not feel my performance at work would improve unless medicated. Then he denied me going back to work until I see the psychiatrist again. So it was obviously not just about whether or not I was a risk. And since my parents can't even force me into treatment why does work have that power? If they were actually treating the sleep... and the pain... and then determining if I really do have depression then I might be okay with it but to feel forced to be diagnosed with depression I'm not cool with.

So yeah I am a little angry right now over the whole situation. I think it could've been handled differently, more effectively. Right now I don't feel like I was taken into consideration. No one ever asked me why I thought I was having problems at work. No one took the time to ask me if I was okay and what I needed to get through it. If I was such a risk why did they wait 3 days for me to come back in? If it was about suicide I could've killed myself while I was off. Then they forced me off work and I didn't feel like I had a choice. The doctor then margninalized me by saying that "Fibromyalgia is typically a symptom of a psychiatric disorder" Then I was forced to see the assessment nurse and was basically given the message that unless I was on a prescription for anti-depressants then I would not be able to return to work. At that point it didn't matter whether I thought I was depressed I had to get the diagnosis to return to work. And to top it off the medication caused too many negative side effects and meant more time at the ER to be told it was normal. Hmm... can't imagine why I am angry with the whole experience. And since it was all over my cutting I do feel like I should go back to it. At least then it might be somewhat justified. I think I'll wait until after I get my medication changed though. That way I can still tell them it's been 9 months and while tempted I haven't acted on it.

Conflicted

The last week and a half have brought with it a wide range of feelings... from anger to discouragement. Anger because I am still being penalized for a recognized disability and for my honesty... discouragement because I am still not finding any answers or any hope. I'll be returning to work (eventually) still struggling with the Fibromyalgia and won't be any better off then. I am also discouraged because there is still no word when I'll be returning to work and had to use my sick days and will now be forced to fight for disability that will only cover 60% of my wages. So now I feel like I am being discriminated because of the Fibro. Yes there is also the self-injury aspect of it but I was not a threat to myself or to anyone else. If I was the doctor had an opportunity to keep me under observation, and so did the psychiatrist. They did not... but the doctor felt my performance would not improve until on anti-depressants. I agree with the statemen that I needed treatment for things to improve but I do not agree with the course of action. I needed the Fibro and the sleep issues to be treated. The doctor even made a statement that "Fibromyalgia" is typically a symptom of a psychiatric disorder." So I've been marginalized by the medical profession.

The frustration continues. I went to the walk-in clinic for a referral to a rheumatologist so that it would be treated. I was then told that no rheumatologist in Peterborough will treat Fibro patients. That is frustrating and discouraging to me. It's an uphill battle. I don't have a family doctor to treat it. I also don't drive so it's difficult to go elsewhere to get the proper treatment. At least when I was in London I was getting physical therapy and seeing a rheumatologist about it. For now there doesn't seem to be any hope in treatment.

I also feel conflicted. I want to believe that Chris was acting on my own interests and was concerned about me. But I am struggling with that. Even after I got a second opinion she questioned whether there was an issue with depression as well as the Fibro. Try dealing with a severe lack of sleep and the Fibro and tell me how happy you are. The main reason for me questioning it is the fact I've been off work for a week-and-a-half now, am not making full wages, and the doctor they sent me to does not believe Fibro is a legitimate disorder. This is compounded by the fact the medical treatment that was precsribed put my health into jeopardy, as well as my mental health. You can't put a price on health. I wouldn't wish the time off on anyone. No one should have to go through what I have had to. So now I feel conflicted about it. She was the catalyst that started the chain of events. In her defense I don't think she wanted this to happen or for it to go this way but I can't help but question whether or not she really did have my best interests in mind.

At the moment I am also considering my options. It has cost me a lot, emotionally and financially. I have not been able to find any justification for work forcing me to take time off, especially not an extended period of time. A fitness-to-work test might have been justified if the performance at work was to the point of costing me my job. But I had only received 2 verbal warnings and it had not reached the point of a written warning. For the one warning I met my sales quota for the month right after. And as for the tone I was never even given a chance to explain why I thought it might be an issue, or to look for ways to change it. I offered to mentor with another performance coach to work on it. As far as being a potential threat to myself or to others I have been cleared by both the doctor and the psychiatrist. So why am I not back at work?

The Saga Continues

Some days I just want to go postal... But then the anger is usually directed at one person: the obsessed stalker that seems to have a number of names these days. Came home tonight just after I got here with company. Normally I wouldn't care but I've got a migraine. And the last time he had company here he told me they were staying indefinitely. I don't really want to entertain and last time I checked this is still my apartment. I suppose the good news is that he won't be hitting on me. So there is one plus. I told him I was on legacy all night and then he tried to tell me that they can't schedule when he is not around and really had a superiority complex. Now I've done his job and beat him at every statistic. So spare me the god speech. Seems to think he deserves Tier 2 as well. Just because you have been here for five years does not make you the best agent in the place. He was once a performance coach and didn't even make it through the probationary period. Maybe that should tell him something.

Found something else out that was quite interesting. Natasha became a performance coach and we talk on occassion. Steve was telling me that he helped her move and then she didn't talk to him for 6 months and didn't understand why. I found out the reason the other day. He asked her out on a date after helping her move. Hmm... guess that explains why she wasn't talking to him, didn't want to send the wrong message to him. But I guess he forgot that part of it.

I just wish I knew some way of getting rid of him. I don't even think a ring on my finger would do the trick. Mind you a shot gun wedding does have a certain appeal to it *lol* With a stalker around it's not like I can meet someone as it is. I pretty much stay at home these days... too scared to go out. If I go out and he knows where I am he'll just track me down... and hope I drink enough to take advantage of the situation. And he makes sure no guy will be within 10 feet of me. So the night ends up being a wash. Not to say I can't get myself into trouble when I am drinking alone 'cuz I do that quite well too. But a little freedom would be nice, just to be able to go out and actually have some fun once in a while. I'm trying to remember what fun actually is.

Any ways... time for me to get some food. The headache isn't quite as bad so I better grab something to eat.