I Don't Understand

In some ways this is the condensed version of a previous post and in some ways it's an expansion. In a nutshell I have a stalker. This person has an obsession with me and will not give up... in spite of 3 relationships. Not sure what I can do to convince this person that I am not interested. A few weeks ago things escalated with them. A more detailed synopsis can be found here. This post really isn't about my relationship them it's about my relationship with my mom.

The whole thing has left me with the phrase, "I don't understand" constantly going through my mind. I thought that parents were supposed to actually look out for the well-being of their children... even believe what they have to say. Instead she keeps trying to convince me that he is really just a good friend, even to the point of arguing with me.

I must say that if someone I knew (whether it was family, friend, acquaintance) said that they had a stalker and that this person had made them feel fear in their own home my reaction would have been much different. My first reaction would be to find out if they were okay and to make sure they were safe at that moment. Second to that would be to find out if they wanted to file a police report and if so if they wanted moral support.

It is not something to be taken lightly. And if someone feels threatened like that the last thing I would want to do is defend the other person and try to convince them that it wasn't true. Other people may have limited exposure to what's going on but really don't see the inner dynamics of the relationship. The victim sees it... and lives it.... and if they feel intimidated/bullied/harrassed by someone the last thing we should do is make them thing they're wrong and it's all in their head. Ultimately that just gives the stalker more power and makes the other person feel even more victimized.

Back to my mother though... I don't understand how she can simply say what a good friend he is when she knows next to nothing about him. She's met him for all of 5 minutes and that was about 3 years ago. Yes I make use of him to take me grocery shopping and what not... mainly because he won't leave me alone any ways... there have to be some perks. But that does not make a good friend. Let's make a list of all the things he's done that do not make for good friends.

• A good friend does not take advantage of you sexually when you're drunk and can't legally consent
• A good friend does not show up randomly, uninvited (now there are some friends that I would accept that from but that's because they won't show up ALL the time)
• A good friend does not try to break up your relationships so that you'll have more time for them
• A good friend does not try to prevent you from having a relationship
• A good friend does not make you feel claustrophibic where you see them so often that no one else seems to get your time
• A good friend accepts the fact that "no" really means no and allows you to move on.... without clinging to some hope that no might really become yes if you wait long enough
• A good friend can accept the fact that maybe it really is about them
• A good friend is not manipulative, controlling, and obsessive
• A good friend will not introduce fear into your home and make you scared

So, he's just a good friend? Mom even got mad at me when a week later I was ignoring him. Went back to trying to convince me that he was just trying to be a good friend and that he had no one... So I must be the mean one. Mmm kay.... I just don't understand.... And maybe that's a good thing. It means I'm not like her.

Head vs Heart

Healing from the legacy of abuse is an ongoing process... One day at a time really. For far too long I have done little more then acknowledge it. But knowledge does not always imply truly accepting it. I really didn't want to accept the implications... that I was a victim... that it never should've happened... that my parents failed at the one thing they are supposed to do: protect their children. Okay so there are more responsibilities... but safety and security really is the foundation. I'm sure there was an element of denial in there. Well I know there was since my parents have always denied it... So that just fuels the denial from within.

It's also about cognitive dissonance. In a nutshell you can't have two contradictory thoughts. Well you can... but you strive to reduce (or even eliminate) the dissonance. We need unity and for our world to make sense. As a kid we have all these images of our parents and most of us put them on a pedestal. At the very least we don't expect them to be a monster. So, in our minds (I suppose I really shouldn't generalize here) we turn to other defense mechanisms like denial or blaming ourselves. It's about survival. You do what you have to... And often times it's easy to blame yourself... You must have deserved it. So even now I struggle to make the pieces of that puzzle fit and accept these contradictory images of who my parents really were.

I think the word of the day is acceptance. I have to be able to accept their flaws and really, truly accept the truth... not just pay lip service to it. I have had the thought before that it's like there is a separation between head and heart. My head (intellect) can admit that I grew up in a household with abuse and neglect but my heart (emotion) is still struggling to accept that. It's a work in progress.

So right now (well perhaps not at this exact moment) I am working on allowing myself to completely feel it... That sense of loss... and the pain... work through it... Come out the other side. And basically just make it so that intellect and emotion are in line.

Random Musings

Call it therapy… Call it venting… Call it whatever. Solace… Withdrawal… These are all words that describe my world at the moment, or at least what I would like. There is something to be said for isolation. I always thought that it was about the number of friends you have and being popular. I have since learned that it is better to have a few friends that you can depend on. And sometimes you just need complete and utter isolation. Time alone to think… to reflect… to heal. My biggest challenge to that comes in the form of technology. For as far as we have advanced it takes away from the peace and tranquility. Now we are just caught up in the television and the internet and all these things that take up our time and allow distraction. It brings with it a whole new form of escapism. No longer do you need drugs or alcohol. Just connect to the internet and spend hours chatting with people, playing games, or various other tasks. They say that it is the global community… but to me it simply brings more isolation.

Believe me I do a fantastic job as it is for escaping. I can avoid things like no other. And I can change the topic without people noticing. It’s a practiced skill. The question is, why do I choose to escape? Why do I avoid cleaning out the closet and getting rid of the skeletons that are contained there? It is much healthier to deal with it and move on.

For everyone there is a different reason. For me I think it stems from fear. I’m not afraid of the skeletons per se. I am afraid of feeling the emotions that go along with it. From the time I was young I was taught that crying equaled weakness so I vowed not to cry… and more importantly not to let anyone see me cry. It was as if they would then think I am a weak individual.

For years I was numb… I felt nothing at all. Now when faced with any type of strong emotion I want to suppress it and go back to being numb. Being numb is where I am comfortable. It’s easy to stay there and not move forward. It’s much more challenging to step out of that comfort zone, face those “issues” and then move forward.

It was this desire not to feel anything that led to me turning to self-injury. Somewhere I learned along the way that it is easier to deal with physical pain then with emotions. By cutting myself it gave me something else to focus on. There was the rush of endorphins and, of course, the fact self-preservation is paramount. Cutting is also about taking care of yourself. I didn’t have anyone taking care of me and as absurd as it sounds it was soothing. So part of the fear is that I will be so overwhelmed that I will go back to the self-injury in an attempt to cope with everything that has happened. It’s not entirely unrealistic since I am still tempted at times.

And dealing with the family also raises other questions. From the time I was little I was taught that you respect your parents. But what if they don’t deserve your respect? I feel obligated to respect them even though they don’t deserve it.

Forgiveness is also key in the Christian faith. And this is one I really struggle with. Do I need to forgive them? They hurt me and abuse has a lasting effect so I don’t want to forgive them. By not forgiving them I feel like I am this horrible person. I feel this even though it was not my fault and the way I was treated was not right. My parents won’t even acknowledge that they might have done anything wrong which makes it even harder.

The Bible also talks about being slow to anger. I know that to face the past and those skeletons is going to involve a wide range of emotions… including anger. Again, I feel like I am this really bad person for being angry with my parents. I don’t like anger… and it is undoubtedly the emotion that I find the most unsettling. Whenever I get angry I immediately want to feel peace. It is by far the single strongest emotion to lead back to self-injury.

So maybe being a Christian is a detriment to the whole healing process. We create this image of our parents as a deity and it is very difficult to change that. And if I face the truth and the pain it means dealing with the emotions to go with it. And it means facing the fact my parents are not god-like and I did not deserve what they did. I was a kid… an innocent kid… and they took that from me. It also means separating myself from Christianity at least until after I work through some of the grief, anger, and pain. Not to say I am giving up my faith... just working through those emotions.

They say the first step is admitting. So I am admitting that I never should have been treated this way. And I am admitting that I struggle with the emotional response to it. And I admit that I struggle with the "Christian" response to it all. After that comes the process of healing and dealing with it. Let’s see if I have the courage to face that process and allow myself to grieve so that one day I might be free.

No News is Good News

I don't really have a whole lot to say. I can't top the last post I had. Every time I look at it I feel it is just so prolific and really sums everything up. Healing is a process. It is not an event. When I think about my family life it brings with it a range of emotions. There is a great deal of sadness. So far I can't bring myself to feel anger. For as justified as the anger might be I just can't do it. Anger, for me, is an overwhelming emotion. It's not one I want to experience. I tend to direct anger inwards and self-destruct. So I really don't want to face that anger... not yet any ways.

Sadness & Pain

As I look at my last post it makes me quite sad... I'm sure I could've written a lot more if I really put my mind to it... and I might modify it later as more things come to mind. But to me it really speaks to the lifelong effects. We shape our views: both of the world and of self from our families and it's pretty clear the effects have been pretty devastating.

I wear a mask, something I talked about in another post, found here. That mask is about protecting myself. I don't want other people to see me as weak. Maybe part of me does want to protect the family as well. After all they are still my family. I feel like people would see through me. I am very guarded because I don't want to take the chance someone will expose me as a fraud. They'll realize that I don't know what I am doing and that I've been faking it... I know that it's a cognitive distortion and is a result of the lies I've been told and the neglect... but it's still my reality. I know that people wouldn't think less of me but I still try and mask the social deficits. Social interaction was lacking at home... right along with life skills. It's basically all self-taught and I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb. As if people mock me behind my back.

I am my own worst critic... expecting perfection and not accepting anything less. I keep thinking that if I could just be perfect then I just might win my parents approval. It's a pipe dream and will never happen. But I keep trying.... hoping. All I want is for them to say "Job well done" The sad reality is that I just set myself up to fail. Not because I'm not worthy... or a fuck-up... but because all I have is false hope. I am never going to hear those words... So I keep pushing myself... and then each time it's a disappointment. And each time I then try harder so the disappointment is even more pronounced.

All of my relationships have been touched by this legacy. I have difficulty trusting anyone because my home life was chaotic and disorganized. My mom would put me down to build up her own self esteem. There was nothing healthy about it. Just arguments and a real lack of human contact. Good touch.... bad touch... How about no touch at all? This is evident in any interpersonal relationship. I shy away from human contact and try not to get to close to anyone. I prefer isolation and my cat. After all, Azrael doesn't think I am a fraud. He doesn't care that I don't know what I am doing. I don't have to be perfect. His love is unconditional... as long as I keep feeding him any ways. *lol*

But there are some other devastating effects and the damage can't be undone. I was never taught anything about good relationships/bad relationships. I was naive and trusting. I lost that innocence pretty quickly. When I was 13 I was dating an older guy. I wanted love and acceptance... all those things that were lacking at home. Instead my innocence was shattered and replaced by victimization. I'm still not sure whether to call it seduction or rape. Well no matter what it was still statutory rape. Between that and the fact my second sexual encounter was also a rape it has really shaped future relationships. For most people sex is about intimacy and being close to someone, vulnerable. For me there will always be an association with violence. I was watching an episode of Law and Order: SVU and they said that if you've been a victim of sexual assault you are 7x more likely to be victimized again. I can see it. In the last 15 years (or almost 15 years) I have been sexually assaulted 5x. Three of those had a direct correlation to alcohol consumption. And how many times did I press charges? Once. Ultimately the charges were dropped but I did stand up for myself... However, the memories will last forever. The flashbacks and the nightmares.

Back when I was 18 I believed in waiting until marriage... And then after being raped for the second time that didn't seem to matter as much. Sex was meaningless. For a long time it was about random encounters... one night stands... Dissociation while having sex. Nothing mattered. It wasn't until I was with Adam that I really regretted some of those decisions. For once I realized that my decisions affected more then just me. But I can't take it back. Sex + Love Still = Violence.

The pattern of pain just continues when you look at the ways I chose to cope. I never learned any healthy ways to cope. I learned to escape in the bottom of a bottle. I was anorexic by the age of 10. And somehow I learned not to feel anything at all. On top of that I learned that self-injury was an effective way to reduce feelings of anxiety, anger, or any other intense emotion. It was highly effective and hard to stop. I still battle with it.

As you can see it's a wake of devastation and no part of my life has been left untouched. So what can you read from this? I am pretty fucked up. I lack social skills which I cover up. I never learned to have good, healthy relationships. I have difficulty trusting people, or at least am guarded. I am continually working to gain my parents approval which I'll never have. My relationships are marred by these trust issues which is why they never last. Then there is the violence. Sexual assault and physical abuse... I've seen it all. Last but not least I learned all kinds of negative ways to cope and no good ways to cope. This is the legacy of abuse and the pain it leaves behind.

What I Remember...

I am going to start this post with a warning. For one it could be graphic and disturbing. Secondly, I am not sure how much profanity will be involved... So be warned, especially for those people that know me in the "real world." This post is about what I remember from growing up...


Family

• "You're never going to be good enough"
• "Bitch, slut, whore," etc.
• Cold, unemotional and unavailable father
• Accused repeatedly of lying when I said I had never tried smoking... So I started smoking.
• Self taught... I taught myself how to do everything because no one else was going to. (Neglect comes in many forms)
• Over protective parents who tried to control me... instead of teaching me about life and what situations to avoid (see Relationships below)
• Ambivalent attachments
• Hate
  

Personality Traits/Psychological Disorders

• Overachiever
• Ghost in high school... just wanting to blend in and not stand out
• Fear of being discovered as a fraud... that maybe my parents were right
• Fear of abandonment/rejection
• Serious trust issues...
  
• Generally just fucked up
  

Relationships

• They say you date someone like your father... in my case that was probably not a good thing
• To most people a 5 year age difference in a relationship (when you're young) would send up red flags... Not to my parents. The end result: Raped at the age of 13
• Raped again at 18 after being too intoxicated to give consent
• Random sexual partners trying to fill the void... seeking acceptance
• The forever association between sex and violence
• Raped again by a co-worker (does it ever stop???)
• Relationships filled with abuse... what the fuck is a healthy relationship?
• Don't touch me
  

Coping Mechanisms (Maladaptive Coping)

• Anorexic at the age of 10 (that's right I said 10)
• Self-injuring by the age of 13... started one day in class with a compass. Been cutting myself off and on ever since. The longest I have stopped for was 3 years. Currently at the 6 month mark
• Punching walls until drawing blood; heading to the ER for x-rays
  
• Problem drinker by the time I went to university
• Staying up late at night to avoid the fights (Phase delayed sleep disorder)
  

Therapy (the Good Kind)

• Azrael (or any other pet that I've had)
  
• Retail therapy (better then some of the self destructive methods any ways)
  
• Sitting outside at night because it was the only time/place I felt safe... Alone... free to feel
  

Grief & Mourning

All too often grief is associated with death. It's like you are not allowed to grieve for any other reason. As taken from Wikipedia, "Grief is a multi-faceted response to loss. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, it also has a physical, cognitive, behavioural, social and philosophical dimensions. Common to human experience is the death of a loved one, be they friend, family, or other. While the terms are often used interchangeably, bereavement often refers to the state of loss, and grief to the reaction to loss. Losses can range from loss of employment, pets, status, a sense of safety, order, possessions, to the loss of the people nearest to us. Our response to loss is varied and researchers have moved away from conventional views of grief (that is, that people move through an orderly and predictable series of responses to loss) to one that considers the wide variety of responses that are influenced by personality, family, culture, and spiritual and religious beliefs and practices."

Based on that grief is simply about loss... Everyone is different, a combination of genes and cultural background. No one reacts the same way to situations and not everyone grieves in the same way. When I had to put Tigger down it was a very tough thing for me. It was like he was my child. But I felt that it was stupid... He was a pet. Tigger was more then that to me. He was a part of the family. And I had every right to grieve his loss.

Whatever the loss... people have a right to grieve. As part of my healing I am allowing myself to grieve.... Grieving what I lost. I lost my innocence and my childhood. I was robbed through abuse and neglect. There is a sense of loss. Right and wrong was challenged... Lies and truth sometimes the same. And now I am mourning those losses and allowing myself to feel that pain, that hurt and the betrayals.

How We See Reality

I have come to the conclusion that 2+2 does not always equal 4, especially not to someone that has been victimized by abuse. Okay so I'm not really talking about mathematics there. I realize that 2+2 equals 4, and is a mathematical certainty. No matter what my beliefs tell me that is always going to be the case. Why is that? It seems to remind me of all the times I heard "Because I said so" as a justification. Not that I am here to debate mathematical beliefs... That was just bit of a tangent.

Most people grow up in a home life that is stable and supportive... where you get consistent messages. In home lives where there is abuse or neglect it is often unpredictable. The message you get one day might be the complete opposite of what you hear 2 days later. One day 2+2 might equal 4 and another it might equal 5. There is no consistency and you never know what to expect.

Abuse leads to a distorted view of reality. After all you think that this is normal. And it's tough when you eventually find out differently. How do you reconcile the lies? It's a splintered sense of self. There are common beliefs (like the 2+2 = 4) that people hold... Barring a low self esteem most people have the belief that they intrinsically have value. Someone that has been a victim of abuse tends to put a condition on that. "I am worth something if..." I could come up with a bunch of examples of that but it's late and I am really tired.

This post was sounding a lot better in my head then it is written out... probably because it's almost 3:00 in the morning. Interestingly enough, as I am writing this the song "Love Heals" just came up in my iTunes library. That is an appropriate song for the moment. In a perfect world we would all have been given the same message (or at least similar messages) and 2+2 would always equal 4 in our belief system. We would all recognize that we have value just for being alive and being who we are. But instead we have these splintered realities and fucked up lives. Welcome to reality baby.

Family Affair

The holiday season is almost over... pretty soon it will be a brand new year. Yesterday it was time to spend time with the family. That's always a hard thing for me. I went out to lunch with my mom, my sister and my sister's family. I even brought home the chicken with me so even Azrael got some of it. Then we went to Animlia. I almost ended up coming home with fish... but decided I didn't have the cash for it. Plus I am not sure where I would put a fish tank. I had a few errands to run and then we came back here... well my mom had to go to work but the rest of us came back to my place. It was a nice visit. Suzanne knows to keep mom and I separated and only having short visits. I did find it interesting though when mom gave me my Christmas present there was no mention of dad. I know he's out on the west coast but they are still married.

This year Christmas was a little more strained then usual. Mom tried to get dad to come out for a visit. He hasn't even met his grand-daughter yet. But he refused because his siblings are out there. What are we? We may not be blood relatives but the last time I checked family isn't just about the blood ties. And Annika is his granddaughter. Mom may be a lot of things but at least she is trying to make the effort to know her. Apparently, grandma has been telling mom to just let him go... to let him have his own life. So this Christmas did bring with it some sadness. I think people should stay out of their marriage. Let them decide whether or not it is worth saving.

Time with family is also a reminder of the past. It reminds me of the self-doubt and all the times I was told I wasn't good enough and that I would never be anything. For that... I hate the holiday season. At least it is almost over.

The Toy Store

Yesterday I was coming home from the dentist and had to stop by the drugstore. On the way there I stopped by the toy store. I have been trying to find a magic 8-ball. I never thought it would be so hard to find. Before anyone asks it has to do with work and I want to use it as an illustration for my agents. Any ways I spend way too much time in the toys section... especially with the games. It got me thinking... Why do I spend so much time in the toy section? I buy games that I rarely play but I do have a nice collection... Now the Nerf gun I do make use of. I came to the conclusion that it's about reliving my childhood.

My childhood is more about innocence lost... at least my adolescence any ways. That was about the same time I realized that family life was not all it was cracked up to be. I was beginning to realize that my parents were over-protective... to the point of smothering me. Instead of teaching me about the world they were trying to keep me isolated. I had to teach myself everything... how to cook... clean... take care of myself. To this day I feel inadequate, especially in social situations. It's part of the reason I tend to keep to myself. I don't want other people to see those deficiencies. Then I overcompensate for them so that people don't question me. It's a good system... and is about protecting myself.

Adolescence was also the time when I developed an eating disorder. My mom would insult my sister over her weight and I didn't want to go through the same thing. So I starved myself. But that didn't stop the harsh words or the insults. I was told I wasn't good enough... I was told I would never amount to anything. I was told that I was a slut... I was a bitch... I was no good. I still carry those scars with me.

At the same time I was somewhat naive. I was too trusting... I still am. I believed that everyone was good. when I was 13 I was dating an older guy. To most people that might have sent out red flags... predator warnings... But no... He went to church so I thought he was one of the good guys. I was sadly mistaken. I have blocked out a lot of the memories from that day... but you can call it seduction.... you can call it statutory rape... you can call it a lot of things. All I know is that it was the day my innocence was taken. I had nightmares about it... flashbacks... all the symptoms of PTSD. I saw myself as damaged goods... and it shaped my views on sex. It has an association with violence... a link made made stronger by the next rape.

So now a part of me is still stuck back there in childhood... trying to capture some of that youth I missed out on. And as a result I buy games and other toys that make me feel safe. To a certain degree I am stuck in the past. They remind me of a time before all this... a time when I was still innocent. It's about healing and self preservation. Now I just need to find a way to break out of that and get past it. Bring the past and present together. Let go of the past.

Here & Now the Lies Stop

I always hate it when someone challenges me. I do so well at hiding and just trying to fit in, not be noticed. I've become so adept at being a ghost that I sometimes forget who I really am. I don't trust people very often. Except online I don't talk about myself. I don't want to expose myself and risk getting hurt. But every once in a while someone will challenge me and in doing so strip away the defenses. That's not a bad thing since I don't seem to listen to myself. *lol*

As part of the Blogger Carnival there was a post called "Humiliating Others - Deliberate Abuse that Cuts Deep." Ever since I read it on Monday I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. It really spoke to me. I highly recommend that you read it. One of the most important statements was, "And there I sit, looking at these beautiful, intelligent, sensitive people who think they're garbage. It kills me." It's amazing how much one, small statement can have such a profound impact.

In the comments Linda went on to say, "But you and I both know that what we're talking about here totally affects everything. That less-than feeling is like a lens, but instead of helping you see clearly, perverts your vision.

I'm going to write an entire answer to your comment in a post. I agree, acceptance is a big part of it, accepting you, accepting her, then throwing away a bad script."

I've become so entrained in thinking poorly of myself and using negative talk to keep my self-esteem low. It has a lasting effect. Linda's right, it is a lens. It is a lens that is used to continue on with the pain of the past. It also means that my parents still have control over me.

Linda's post has really challenged me to look at the lens through which I am looking at life. My beliefs about myself. I'm not worthless. I have value. I am intelligent. I still have trouble believing that I am beautiful but that's a whole other story. After being challenged to re-evaluate my beliefts about myself I came to the conclusion that here and now the lies stop. :o)

Drank the Kool-Aid and Joined the Cult

Mmmm.... Kool-Aid. I did a search for killer Kool-Aid when I was thinking about this post. I managed to find a number of recipes for alcoholic beverages. Some other time I might have to post them instead.

Langone and West had this to say about cults: "Cults are groups that often exploit members psychologically and/or financially, typically by making members comply with leadership's demands through certain types of psychological manipulation, popularly called mind control, and through the inculcation of deep-seated anxious dependency on the group and its leaders.¹ "A cult is a group or movement exhibiting a great or excessive devotion or dedication to some person, idea or thing and employing unethically manipulative techniques of persuasion and control (e.g. isolation from former friends and family, debilitation, use of special methods to heighten suggestibility and subservience, powerful group pressures, information management, suspension of individuality or critical judgement, promotion of total dependency on the group and fear of [consequences of] leaving it, etc) designed to advance the goals of the group's leaders to the actual or possible detriment of members, their families, or the community."

Whenever you hear the word cult it automatically brings with it a reaction... images that come to mind. It's easy to think of Jim Jones, Heavens Gate, group pressure and brainwashing. We think that we will never fall into this trap. Most forms of abuse also involve some form of psychological abuse. It is the underpinning of everything else. I would argue that anyone who is abused as a child (or even experienced abuse as an adult) has already seen the cult mentality and been apart of it. Not all cults are to the extremes of Jonestown or Heavens Gate.

We just don't want to think of our parents as cult leaders. If we did then we wouldn't be able to idealize them quite so much. But it's not that hard to see some of the links. Manipulation... persuasion... and control are all common in abusive situations. We learn to keep the family secret and isolate ourselves to protect it. It's really not so different from that definition of a cult.

So maybe the healing process should be like what happens when someone gets out of a cult. They go through deprogramming. One method of deprogramming is used by Patrick: "When you deprogram people, you force them to think. ... But I keep them off balance and this forces them to begin questioning, to open their minds. When the mind gets to a certain point, they can see through all the lies that they've been programmed to believe. They realize that they've been duped and they come out of it. Their minds start working again. " Maybe that is what you need to recover from abuse and become the person that others see. Deprogramming is definitely better then the killer kool-aid and the cyanide that goes with it.

Global Community

With the Blogger Carnival I stumbled across an entire community. I knew it existed before but I wasn't really a part of it. As I was reading the posts there and hearing other people's stories I realized that I wasn't alone. There is something comforting when other people understand what you're going through. When I was growing up my issues with therapy was that I didn't think they understood what I was going through. Trust is key... and if you don't think they relate to you then it is very difficult to open up. I am more honest online because I don't have to censor what I say. I can hide behind a wall of anonymity. No one has to see the pain or the look in my eyes. But the internet does create an entire community. Stories of pain... but also of hope and healing. I don't feel quite so alone any more.

Confront Your Fears

I know it's a little too late for the Blog Carnival on Child Abuse... but the topic got me thinking. When I was in school at Huron there was a course on systematic desensitization which is used to treat phobias and anxiety disorder. As taken from Wikipedia, "To begin the process of systematic desensitization, one must first be taught relaxation skills in order to control fear and anxiety responses to specific phobias. Once the individual has been taught these skills, he or she must use them to react towards and overcome situations in an established hierarchy of fears. The goal of this process is that an indivudal will learn to cope and overcome the fear in each step of the hierarchy, which will lead to overcoming the last step of the fear in the hierarchy. Systematic desensitization is sometimes called graduated exposure therapy." In a nutshell it is based on the idea that you can't be relaxed and anxious at the same time. Now systematic desensitization is best at treating specific phobias... but there is a lot of truth to the fact you can't be relaxed and anxious at the same time. So I'm thinking I need to learn some relaxation techniques.

I was also thinking about the fears I have... most of them irrational. I have a fear of being alone. For a long time I went from relationship to relationship. My fear of being alone was linked to the idea that if I was alone then it meant no one loved me. It was an irrational fear... but then most fears are. While there are still times when I want to be in a relationship it's no longer about the fear. Now it's about companionship.

I also have a fear of failure. I feel like everything I do has to be perfect. I am human. I will make mistakes. And it is in those mistakes that we learn and grow. I feel like if I fail at one thing then it defines me and means I am a failure at everything. I'm getting better at accepting my limitations but still have a long way to go. I'm not about to purposefully fail at something just to prove that it's not the end of the world.

Being a victim of sexual assault has brought with it other fears. Fears that prevent me from going out. I'm scared it will happen again. It's not so easy to get past that fear. That seems to be a little more rational and not as easy to get past.

One of the steps in the healing process is to confront your fears or at least turn those irrational thoughts around. I have my doubts that I can do it all by myself, despite what I tell myself. I actually think I should undergo cognitive behavioural therapy... I just have trouble admitting that to other people. Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is based on the notion that thoughts determine feelings and behaviour. The goal of CBT is to change the thoughts and this in turn changes feelings and behaviours. Take the lies and turn them into the truth.

Personal Legacy of Abuse

The Pain Inside

I can't help but think of the lasting legacy of the abuse... and the aftermath. It actually fills me with sadness. Sadness that a parent could willingly treat their child like that. Sad that I still justify it... and tell myself that other people had it worse so I have no reason to be upset. And while it is true that others have had it worse that doesn't make it right. Should I be happy that they didn't break any bones? Emotional abuse is just as devastating... And those scars remain.

I should be really happy about the way things are going at work. And by now I should be really confident in how I'm doing. I still find myself filled with self-doubt. Yet this month, as evidenced in an earlier post on my main blog (click "here") I really showed how much work I can do. I showed that I can exceed expectations. But I still wonder if there was anything else I could've done. Wondering if there was any way to get that last evaluation done. I should just feel pride in myself. Yet, to a certain degree, there is just emptiness... as if it will never be good enough.

Those are the lies.... the ones that I bought into. The lie that says I am not good enough... that I need to prove myself. The lie that says I will never amount to anything. I have a university degree. I am respected at work. Yet I still question it.

I am a peacemaker. So I have a tough time with this... Part of me really wants to get angry. They lied to me... I am not worthless... they tore me down to build themselves up. They made my life hell... and it was all a lie. Lies.. damn lies... But then part of me still wants to be the peacemaker and not make waves. I'm almost 28... haven't lived at home in almost a decade and yet I am still protecting the notion of the perfect family. It's almost like if I keep the secret and pretend it didn't happen then it will be true.

It's also painful to think about the fallout. It's not like an isolated incident where you just get over it. The abuse has shaped my identity and in some ways it could be likened to a nuclear fallout. It's radioactive. Don't worry I am not saying that I am toxc waste... just that the effects are long lasting and far reaching.

I've used so many ways trying to numb the pain... trying to find peace and answers in the storm. Most of them I am not proud of. I was so desperate for love that I had random sexual encounters and took so many chances. That wasn't without it's price... as to date I have been raped by 5 different men... spread out over the last 15 years. It's really easy for me to blame myself for risk taking behaviours. But that doesn't make it my fault. Nothing gives someone else the right.

I don't even like the taste of alcohol and yet I drank, sometimes even to the point of alcohol poisoning. But as they say you can drink and be numb... but it's only temporary. The pain doesn't go away forever. And instead you just wind up with a hangover.

Because of the disorganization in my family life... and the inconsistent messages I learned that emotions were weaknesses that could be exploited. The less I showed emotion the less I was picked on. So I became numb... feeling nothing. And to help me with that I turned to cutting and self-injury. I am still ashamed of that... mainly because of society's view of self-injury. But you do what you have to in order to get by. It has been 3 months now and I take it one day at a time. I also wear an orange and white bracelet as a reminder (one my team manager at work had to fix for me not long ago).

I'd like to say I am past it... but it's not that easy. Abuse leaves lasting marks... often for a lifetime. It's very hard to change your world view and how you see yourself. I think it can be summed up as a legacy of pain.

My Life as a Cutter

WARNING: The following might be graphic and is potentially triggering. So you may not want to continue reading if you are currently feeling tempted yourself.

Some days I really wish there could be peace. I always feel like I am looking for answers. I am looking for a reason. Why did thing happen the way they did? Is it all about fate? Or just randomness? Sometimes there are no easy answers... or answers at all. Just more questions.

In my head I know that my mom lied to me. I know that I was a victim. But as I struggle to stay afloat and avoid bankrupcy there is this still small voice in my head wondering if maybe she was right. Maybe I really am nothing. Maybe I really will amount to nothing. I should be proud of the job I do at work and the fact I've been there for 4 years. But as I struggle to make ends meet pride gives way to doubt.

The more I doubt myself the more I feel like I am surrounded by blackness. When I was younger I learned that the only way I could bring about balance and stop the emotional pain was to cut. The scars are a reminder and are nothing compared to the pain of being a survivor. But there is so much shame in self-injury. I almost lost my job because of it (the irony being that I hadn't cut in 9 months at the time). But every day I still battle it. The temptation is strong, overwhelming at times. I fear that my strength just won't be enough. I fear that I will go back to it.

The only question that I wanted answered is why? Why did this happen to me? It is a question that will never have an answer. There is no why... there is only the need to get past it. To move on with life and learn from the past.

Dream

It's unusual for me to remember my dreams... and I might only remember because the cable company called and woke me up today. Actually I have been having more lucid dreams lately... probably because of the medication I am on. But any ways... in this dream I was with my family, only I was younger. The people living next door were strange. Their son was a prisoner and being mistreated. In time we went in to rescue him and took him from the house (translation: we kidnapped him). When we got him to safety we found paperwork... and this paper work indicated he was adopted. Then he was using a computer program to randomly match with good parents. It had characteristics of each person and then you choose who you wanted. At this point I was woken up. I don't think I even need to go into the dream analysis for that one. It's pretty explanatory. Apparently I can't even get away from my family in my dreams.

Adults Shamed in Childhood

Characteristics of adults shamed in childhood:

1. Adults shamed as children are afraid of vulnerability and fear of exposure of the self.

2. Adults shamed as children may suffer extreme shyness, embarrassment and feelings of being inferior to others. They don't believe they make mistakes. Instead they believe they are mistakes.

3. Adults shamed as children fear intimacy and tend to avoid real commitment in relationships. These adults frequently express the feeling that one foot is out of the door prepared to run.

4. Adults shamed as children may appear either grandiose and self-centered or seem selfless.

5. Adults shamed as children feel that, "No matter what I do, it won't make a difference; I am and always will be worthless and unlovable."

6. Adults shamed as children frequently feel defensive when even a minor negative feedback is given. They suffer feelings of severe humiliation if forced to look at mistakes or imperfections.

7. Adults shamed as children frequently blame others before they can be blamed.

8. Adults shamed as children may suffer from debilitating guilt These individuals apologize constantly. They assume responsibility for the behavior of those around them.

9. Adults shamed as children feel like outsiders. They feel a pervasive sense of loneliness throughout their lives, even when surrounded with those who love and care.

10. Adults shamed as children project their beliefs about themselves onto others. They engage in mind-reading that is not in their favor, consistently feeling judged by others.

11. Adults shamed as children often feel ugly, flawed and imperfect. These feelings regarding self may lead to focus on clothing and makeup in an attempt to hide flaws in personal appearance and self.

12. Adults shamed as children often feel angry and judgmental towards the qualities in others that they feel ashamed of in themselves. This can lead to shaming others.

13. Adults shamed as children often feel controlled from the outside as well as from within. Normal spontaneous expression is blocked.

14. Adults shamed as children feel they must do things perfectly or not at all. This internalized belief frequently leads to performance anxiety and procrastination.

15. Adults shamed as children experience depression.

16. Adults shamed as children block their feelings of shame through compulsive behaviors like workaholis, eating disorders, shopping, substance abuse, list-making or gambling.

17. Adults shamed as children lie to themselves and others.

18. Adults shamed as children often have caseloads rather than friendships.

19. Adults shamed as children often involve themselves in compulsive processing of past interactions and events and intellectualization as a defense against pain.

20. Adults shamed as children have little sense of emotional boundaries. They feel constantly violated by others. They frequently build false boundaries through walls, rage, pleasing or isolation.

21. Adults shamed as children are stuck in dependency or counter-dependency.

By: Jane Middleton-Moz; Shame and Guilt

Shame & Guilt

Quite often we use the words shame and guilt interchangeably. Fossum and Mason stated, "While guilt is a painful feeling of regret and responsibility for one's actions, shame is a painful feeling about oneself as a person." It has also been said "guilt is 'the feeling that what you have DONE is wrong,' and that shame is 'the feeling that what you ARE is wrong.'"

When you come from a life of abuse there is a lot of shame involved. It's very hard to admit that you were a victim. For so long you have thought that this was normal and all families are like this. Inevitably there are also thoughts that you brought this on yourself.

You feel that you are inferior and don't respect yourself. Even though you don't know the first thing about trust and healthy relationships you still think that you should've known better. Take the rape for example. I feel like I should've known better. I do feel somewhat responsible even though it was not my fault. I was the victim but I have a hard time taking on that role.

Shame is a powerful emotion. I know that shame is holding me back. I am ashamed of decisions that I have made. I am also ashamed of the trust issues... the communication issues... and even of events that I had no control over.

So that silence... of bearing the weight myself... stems from a world of shame and embarassment. And when that is all you know how do you get past that? Does healing ever occur?