Love & Pain

Winter is a time when most people feel slightly depressed. There is decreased sunlight and longer periods of darkness. It's also a time for post-holiday blues. I always have a hard time around this time of year. Christmas is supposed to be a time with family... For many that is not such a happy time. You can include me on that list. It is a reminder of the past. The only thing that runs through my head is "You're not good enough." And try as I might I can't get past that. I know better... I *know* it's a lie. But when you have been told something often enough you tend to believe it. It's a tough thing to get past. The Christmas season is a reminder of all these things. Love and pain are a tough combination... If I could hate or feel anger it would be so much easier. But this is my family and I still love them. But there is a great deal of pain mixed in there. Pain of betrayal... of the lies... Love & Pain

Love

I was reminiscing today about days gone by. I've got way too much time to think now.. nothing but me and Azrael.... Part me of is still in love with Adam. Before people get concerned... I am not in some fantasyland not moving on with my life. I am grounded in reality, or at least I have some idea as to what reality is. But part of me still loves him... and maybe I always will. I'm not sure why I feel that way. Maybe it's because I remember what things were like in the beginning... before we became the old married couple that fought all the time. Or maybe it's because I have guilt complex and still blame myself for it's demise.. Or perhaps it was because it was the one and only time that I ever let myself be vulernable and actually give a damn about someone else. It's tough letting go of that. I'm not idealizing the relationship. I know there were flaws in it... nothing is ever perfect. Like Adam not getting over me getting plastered and calling him a typical male.... or me moving in and it always felt like it was his place and I just lived there.... or the fact that by the end I was so tired that I was a complete bitch. Maybe if we hated each other things would be different. Now we just have a fucked up relationship. Hmm... I have no idea what the hell a normal relationship is *lol*