Random Musings

Call it therapy… Call it venting… Call it whatever. Solace… Withdrawal… These are all words that describe my world at the moment, or at least what I would like. There is something to be said for isolation. I always thought that it was about the number of friends you have and being popular. I have since learned that it is better to have a few friends that you can depend on. And sometimes you just need complete and utter isolation. Time alone to think… to reflect… to heal. My biggest challenge to that comes in the form of technology. For as far as we have advanced it takes away from the peace and tranquility. Now we are just caught up in the television and the internet and all these things that take up our time and allow distraction. It brings with it a whole new form of escapism. No longer do you need drugs or alcohol. Just connect to the internet and spend hours chatting with people, playing games, or various other tasks. They say that it is the global community… but to me it simply brings more isolation.

Believe me I do a fantastic job as it is for escaping. I can avoid things like no other. And I can change the topic without people noticing. It’s a practiced skill. The question is, why do I choose to escape? Why do I avoid cleaning out the closet and getting rid of the skeletons that are contained there? It is much healthier to deal with it and move on.

For everyone there is a different reason. For me I think it stems from fear. I’m not afraid of the skeletons per se. I am afraid of feeling the emotions that go along with it. From the time I was young I was taught that crying equaled weakness so I vowed not to cry… and more importantly not to let anyone see me cry. It was as if they would then think I am a weak individual.

For years I was numb… I felt nothing at all. Now when faced with any type of strong emotion I want to suppress it and go back to being numb. Being numb is where I am comfortable. It’s easy to stay there and not move forward. It’s much more challenging to step out of that comfort zone, face those “issues” and then move forward.

It was this desire not to feel anything that led to me turning to self-injury. Somewhere I learned along the way that it is easier to deal with physical pain then with emotions. By cutting myself it gave me something else to focus on. There was the rush of endorphins and, of course, the fact self-preservation is paramount. Cutting is also about taking care of yourself. I didn’t have anyone taking care of me and as absurd as it sounds it was soothing. So part of the fear is that I will be so overwhelmed that I will go back to the self-injury in an attempt to cope with everything that has happened. It’s not entirely unrealistic since I am still tempted at times.

And dealing with the family also raises other questions. From the time I was little I was taught that you respect your parents. But what if they don’t deserve your respect? I feel obligated to respect them even though they don’t deserve it.

Forgiveness is also key in the Christian faith. And this is one I really struggle with. Do I need to forgive them? They hurt me and abuse has a lasting effect so I don’t want to forgive them. By not forgiving them I feel like I am this horrible person. I feel this even though it was not my fault and the way I was treated was not right. My parents won’t even acknowledge that they might have done anything wrong which makes it even harder.

The Bible also talks about being slow to anger. I know that to face the past and those skeletons is going to involve a wide range of emotions… including anger. Again, I feel like I am this really bad person for being angry with my parents. I don’t like anger… and it is undoubtedly the emotion that I find the most unsettling. Whenever I get angry I immediately want to feel peace. It is by far the single strongest emotion to lead back to self-injury.

So maybe being a Christian is a detriment to the whole healing process. We create this image of our parents as a deity and it is very difficult to change that. And if I face the truth and the pain it means dealing with the emotions to go with it. And it means facing the fact my parents are not god-like and I did not deserve what they did. I was a kid… an innocent kid… and they took that from me. It also means separating myself from Christianity at least until after I work through some of the grief, anger, and pain. Not to say I am giving up my faith... just working through those emotions.

They say the first step is admitting. So I am admitting that I never should have been treated this way. And I am admitting that I struggle with the emotional response to it. And I admit that I struggle with the "Christian" response to it all. After that comes the process of healing and dealing with it. Let’s see if I have the courage to face that process and allow myself to grieve so that one day I might be free.

Pain & Agony

The more time I spend talking to my mother the more manipulative I realize that she is. It brings back all kinds of memories of my youth and they are not fond memories. There is no support there, just pain. And each time the wounds are reopened. I have also discovered that I have spent the last 10 years on the run... running from my family... running from everything. I didn't want to deal with it. I just wanted to feel nothing. I figured that by walking away I wouldn't have to deal with it and could just escape. But the quote at the top of the page still holds true. "Man... cannot learn to forget, but hangs on the past: however far or fast he runs, that chain runs with him." Friedrich Nietzsche No matter how far and how fast I went I didn't escape and now am face to face with everything that I ran from.

It has left me with sadness and feeling vulnerable. All I really want is reassurance. I want to know that things are going to be okay. But when you're 28 years old you can't quite get away with having a security blanket. I am scared of human contact and the sense of touch because I didn't have that growing up. Scared that another person would see me as being weak and expose all the deficiencies that exist. Scared of being vulnerable. And those fears are holding me back. I am not free... I am nothing more then a prisoner in my gilded cage.

And now I almost feel like I should get away from technology and sit outside in the peace and quiet. Just me, my thoughts, and my tears. The long road from pain and agony to healing...

No News is Good News

I don't really have a whole lot to say. I can't top the last post I had. Every time I look at it I feel it is just so prolific and really sums everything up. Healing is a process. It is not an event. When I think about my family life it brings with it a range of emotions. There is a great deal of sadness. So far I can't bring myself to feel anger. For as justified as the anger might be I just can't do it. Anger, for me, is an overwhelming emotion. It's not one I want to experience. I tend to direct anger inwards and self-destruct. So I really don't want to face that anger... not yet any ways.

What I Remember...

I am going to start this post with a warning. For one it could be graphic and disturbing. Secondly, I am not sure how much profanity will be involved... So be warned, especially for those people that know me in the "real world." This post is about what I remember from growing up...


Family

• "You're never going to be good enough"
• "Bitch, slut, whore," etc.
• Cold, unemotional and unavailable father
• Accused repeatedly of lying when I said I had never tried smoking... So I started smoking.
• Self taught... I taught myself how to do everything because no one else was going to. (Neglect comes in many forms)
• Over protective parents who tried to control me... instead of teaching me about life and what situations to avoid (see Relationships below)
• Ambivalent attachments
• Hate
  

Personality Traits/Psychological Disorders

• Overachiever
• Ghost in high school... just wanting to blend in and not stand out
• Fear of being discovered as a fraud... that maybe my parents were right
• Fear of abandonment/rejection
• Serious trust issues...
  
• Generally just fucked up
  

Relationships

• They say you date someone like your father... in my case that was probably not a good thing
• To most people a 5 year age difference in a relationship (when you're young) would send up red flags... Not to my parents. The end result: Raped at the age of 13
• Raped again at 18 after being too intoxicated to give consent
• Random sexual partners trying to fill the void... seeking acceptance
• The forever association between sex and violence
• Raped again by a co-worker (does it ever stop???)
• Relationships filled with abuse... what the fuck is a healthy relationship?
• Don't touch me
  

Coping Mechanisms (Maladaptive Coping)

• Anorexic at the age of 10 (that's right I said 10)
• Self-injuring by the age of 13... started one day in class with a compass. Been cutting myself off and on ever since. The longest I have stopped for was 3 years. Currently at the 6 month mark
• Punching walls until drawing blood; heading to the ER for x-rays
  
• Problem drinker by the time I went to university
• Staying up late at night to avoid the fights (Phase delayed sleep disorder)
  

Therapy (the Good Kind)

• Azrael (or any other pet that I've had)
  
• Retail therapy (better then some of the self destructive methods any ways)
  
• Sitting outside at night because it was the only time/place I felt safe... Alone... free to feel
  

Love & Pain

Winter is a time when most people feel slightly depressed. There is decreased sunlight and longer periods of darkness. It's also a time for post-holiday blues. I always have a hard time around this time of year. Christmas is supposed to be a time with family... For many that is not such a happy time. You can include me on that list. It is a reminder of the past. The only thing that runs through my head is "You're not good enough." And try as I might I can't get past that. I know better... I *know* it's a lie. But when you have been told something often enough you tend to believe it. It's a tough thing to get past. The Christmas season is a reminder of all these things. Love and pain are a tough combination... If I could hate or feel anger it would be so much easier. But this is my family and I still love them. But there is a great deal of pain mixed in there. Pain of betrayal... of the lies... Love & Pain

The Toy Store

Yesterday I was coming home from the dentist and had to stop by the drugstore. On the way there I stopped by the toy store. I have been trying to find a magic 8-ball. I never thought it would be so hard to find. Before anyone asks it has to do with work and I want to use it as an illustration for my agents. Any ways I spend way too much time in the toys section... especially with the games. It got me thinking... Why do I spend so much time in the toy section? I buy games that I rarely play but I do have a nice collection... Now the Nerf gun I do make use of. I came to the conclusion that it's about reliving my childhood.

My childhood is more about innocence lost... at least my adolescence any ways. That was about the same time I realized that family life was not all it was cracked up to be. I was beginning to realize that my parents were over-protective... to the point of smothering me. Instead of teaching me about the world they were trying to keep me isolated. I had to teach myself everything... how to cook... clean... take care of myself. To this day I feel inadequate, especially in social situations. It's part of the reason I tend to keep to myself. I don't want other people to see those deficiencies. Then I overcompensate for them so that people don't question me. It's a good system... and is about protecting myself.

Adolescence was also the time when I developed an eating disorder. My mom would insult my sister over her weight and I didn't want to go through the same thing. So I starved myself. But that didn't stop the harsh words or the insults. I was told I wasn't good enough... I was told I would never amount to anything. I was told that I was a slut... I was a bitch... I was no good. I still carry those scars with me.

At the same time I was somewhat naive. I was too trusting... I still am. I believed that everyone was good. when I was 13 I was dating an older guy. To most people that might have sent out red flags... predator warnings... But no... He went to church so I thought he was one of the good guys. I was sadly mistaken. I have blocked out a lot of the memories from that day... but you can call it seduction.... you can call it statutory rape... you can call it a lot of things. All I know is that it was the day my innocence was taken. I had nightmares about it... flashbacks... all the symptoms of PTSD. I saw myself as damaged goods... and it shaped my views on sex. It has an association with violence... a link made made stronger by the next rape.

So now a part of me is still stuck back there in childhood... trying to capture some of that youth I missed out on. And as a result I buy games and other toys that make me feel safe. To a certain degree I am stuck in the past. They remind me of a time before all this... a time when I was still innocent. It's about healing and self preservation. Now I just need to find a way to break out of that and get past it. Bring the past and present together. Let go of the past.

Decision to Heal

Okay so once again I have decided to plagarize... but for a worthwhile cause... This was taken from The Joyful Heart Foundation web site and I wanted to post it because I believe that it has a great deal of power and truth.

Once you recognize the effects of the trauma you have experienced, you have the choice to make an active commitment to yourself to heal. The journey to recovery can only happen when you choose to take the first step along the path to enlightenment. You must be willing and ready to explore, confront and make peace with your emotions, feelings and the reality of what has happened and the aftermath. You can take back the power and control that was taken from you.

• Breaking the Silence
  Disclosing what you have experienced in your life to someone you trust and feel safe with can be a profound step towards healing. By no longer keeping the violence a secret, you can dispel the shame of being a victim and allow yourself the courage to be a survivor.
  
  
• Making Contact with the Person Within
  After experiencing life-altering trauma, more often than not the survivor has lost touch with the person they use to be and does not recognize the person they have become. Getting in touch with yourself is a process with no time limit.
  
  
• Understanding It Wasn't Your Fault
  Survivors often believe that they somehow caused what happened. Survivors must place the blame where it belongs- directly on the abuser.
  
  
• Trusting Yourself
  You inner voice is one of the most powerful components in the healing process. Learn to trust your own perceptions, feelings and intuitions and let this be your guide.
  
  
• Grieving and Mourning
  Allow yourself permission feel what you are feeling. Grieving is a way to accept your pain, honor your pain, let go of it, and move into the present.
  
  
• Anger: The Backbone of Healing
  Anger is one of several paths you may encounter on your journey towards healing. It is an acceptance of what has happened. It is a powerful emotion that can help you heal and possibly motivate you to move forward.
  
  
• Spirituality
  Having a sense that there is a power greater than yourself may be an invaluable asset during your healing process. Spirituality holds a unique meaning for every individual and their personal journey.
  
  
• Resolution and Moving Forward
  You may move through one or none of these stages. You may walk, run and jump from stages only to return to where you began, yet these feelings and perceptions will stabilize once you go through what it is you need to feel and experience. You will come to terms with what has happened to you once you are ready. We can not change yesterday. We can live for today and look towards tomorrow. The wound will heal and there will be a scar, yet let it be testament of your survival. Having gained awareness, compassion and power through your healing you will have made the commitment to yourself to live your life on your terms.
  
  
• FORGIVENESS
  The only essential forgiveness is of yourself.

Here & Now the Lies Stop

I always hate it when someone challenges me. I do so well at hiding and just trying to fit in, not be noticed. I've become so adept at being a ghost that I sometimes forget who I really am. I don't trust people very often. Except online I don't talk about myself. I don't want to expose myself and risk getting hurt. But every once in a while someone will challenge me and in doing so strip away the defenses. That's not a bad thing since I don't seem to listen to myself. *lol*

As part of the Blogger Carnival there was a post called "Humiliating Others - Deliberate Abuse that Cuts Deep." Ever since I read it on Monday I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. It really spoke to me. I highly recommend that you read it. One of the most important statements was, "And there I sit, looking at these beautiful, intelligent, sensitive people who think they're garbage. It kills me." It's amazing how much one, small statement can have such a profound impact.

In the comments Linda went on to say, "But you and I both know that what we're talking about here totally affects everything. That less-than feeling is like a lens, but instead of helping you see clearly, perverts your vision.

I'm going to write an entire answer to your comment in a post. I agree, acceptance is a big part of it, accepting you, accepting her, then throwing away a bad script."

I've become so entrained in thinking poorly of myself and using negative talk to keep my self-esteem low. It has a lasting effect. Linda's right, it is a lens. It is a lens that is used to continue on with the pain of the past. It also means that my parents still have control over me.

Linda's post has really challenged me to look at the lens through which I am looking at life. My beliefs about myself. I'm not worthless. I have value. I am intelligent. I still have trouble believing that I am beautiful but that's a whole other story. After being challenged to re-evaluate my beliefts about myself I came to the conclusion that here and now the lies stop. :o)

Confront Your Fears

I know it's a little too late for the Blog Carnival on Child Abuse... but the topic got me thinking. When I was in school at Huron there was a course on systematic desensitization which is used to treat phobias and anxiety disorder. As taken from Wikipedia, "To begin the process of systematic desensitization, one must first be taught relaxation skills in order to control fear and anxiety responses to specific phobias. Once the individual has been taught these skills, he or she must use them to react towards and overcome situations in an established hierarchy of fears. The goal of this process is that an indivudal will learn to cope and overcome the fear in each step of the hierarchy, which will lead to overcoming the last step of the fear in the hierarchy. Systematic desensitization is sometimes called graduated exposure therapy." In a nutshell it is based on the idea that you can't be relaxed and anxious at the same time. Now systematic desensitization is best at treating specific phobias... but there is a lot of truth to the fact you can't be relaxed and anxious at the same time. So I'm thinking I need to learn some relaxation techniques.

I was also thinking about the fears I have... most of them irrational. I have a fear of being alone. For a long time I went from relationship to relationship. My fear of being alone was linked to the idea that if I was alone then it meant no one loved me. It was an irrational fear... but then most fears are. While there are still times when I want to be in a relationship it's no longer about the fear. Now it's about companionship.

I also have a fear of failure. I feel like everything I do has to be perfect. I am human. I will make mistakes. And it is in those mistakes that we learn and grow. I feel like if I fail at one thing then it defines me and means I am a failure at everything. I'm getting better at accepting my limitations but still have a long way to go. I'm not about to purposefully fail at something just to prove that it's not the end of the world.

Being a victim of sexual assault has brought with it other fears. Fears that prevent me from going out. I'm scared it will happen again. It's not so easy to get past that fear. That seems to be a little more rational and not as easy to get past.

One of the steps in the healing process is to confront your fears or at least turn those irrational thoughts around. I have my doubts that I can do it all by myself, despite what I tell myself. I actually think I should undergo cognitive behavioural therapy... I just have trouble admitting that to other people. Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is based on the notion that thoughts determine feelings and behaviour. The goal of CBT is to change the thoughts and this in turn changes feelings and behaviours. Take the lies and turn them into the truth.

My Life as a Cutter

WARNING: The following might be graphic and is potentially triggering. So you may not want to continue reading if you are currently feeling tempted yourself.

Some days I really wish there could be peace. I always feel like I am looking for answers. I am looking for a reason. Why did thing happen the way they did? Is it all about fate? Or just randomness? Sometimes there are no easy answers... or answers at all. Just more questions.

In my head I know that my mom lied to me. I know that I was a victim. But as I struggle to stay afloat and avoid bankrupcy there is this still small voice in my head wondering if maybe she was right. Maybe I really am nothing. Maybe I really will amount to nothing. I should be proud of the job I do at work and the fact I've been there for 4 years. But as I struggle to make ends meet pride gives way to doubt.

The more I doubt myself the more I feel like I am surrounded by blackness. When I was younger I learned that the only way I could bring about balance and stop the emotional pain was to cut. The scars are a reminder and are nothing compared to the pain of being a survivor. But there is so much shame in self-injury. I almost lost my job because of it (the irony being that I hadn't cut in 9 months at the time). But every day I still battle it. The temptation is strong, overwhelming at times. I fear that my strength just won't be enough. I fear that I will go back to it.

The only question that I wanted answered is why? Why did this happen to me? It is a question that will never have an answer. There is no why... there is only the need to get past it. To move on with life and learn from the past.

Shame & Guilt

Quite often we use the words shame and guilt interchangeably. Fossum and Mason stated, "While guilt is a painful feeling of regret and responsibility for one's actions, shame is a painful feeling about oneself as a person." It has also been said "guilt is 'the feeling that what you have DONE is wrong,' and that shame is 'the feeling that what you ARE is wrong.'"

When you come from a life of abuse there is a lot of shame involved. It's very hard to admit that you were a victim. For so long you have thought that this was normal and all families are like this. Inevitably there are also thoughts that you brought this on yourself.

You feel that you are inferior and don't respect yourself. Even though you don't know the first thing about trust and healthy relationships you still think that you should've known better. Take the rape for example. I feel like I should've known better. I do feel somewhat responsible even though it was not my fault. I was the victim but I have a hard time taking on that role.

Shame is a powerful emotion. I know that shame is holding me back. I am ashamed of decisions that I have made. I am also ashamed of the trust issues... the communication issues... and even of events that I had no control over.

So that silence... of bearing the weight myself... stems from a world of shame and embarassment. And when that is all you know how do you get past that? Does healing ever occur?

Easy Way Out

I'm still spending way too much time trying to process everything that happens... just trying to make sense of the world. I've come to realize that my silence and not trusting anyone is about taking the easy way out. It's much easier to keep it to myself then it is to admit that I don't know the first thing about healthy relationships or trust. I don't even know how I should feel. That world is all I know. All I know is pain. I am basically self taught. I come from a world of neglect. As a result I've walked into some brutal situations... and I feel like I should've known better. That vow of silence is also about deficiencies. I overcompensate for my past and have this idea that I have to be perfect. Needless to say I'll never live up to that. I know it's cost me... but I don't know how to change it. I don't know how to ask for help... I had no examples to go by when I was growing up so to a certain degree I make it up as I go along.

I am still intimidated by public speaking... I've always been a ghost in the background.... trying not to stand out. I'm afraid of being wrong.... I'm afraid of being reprimanded. I don't feel safe. I feel exposed. I know what I am doing and I really need to overcome that if I want to move up in the company. It's not like I need to second guess myself every step of the way. I'm not always going to be right and that's okay. I need to bring perception in line with reality. Well basically I need to stop taking the easy way out. Take a chance and admit that I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.

"Broken"

As I mentioned before I currently feel a strong sense of loss. It's the inner child trying to come through and be free. That small voice that says "You had no right to treat me like that." It's the sound of innocence. And there is the realization of the destruction and devastation that was left in the wake. I think my emotional state of being can be summed up in one word "Broken".

For once I truly understand that being broken isn't necessarily a bad thing. Only when you're broken can you be fixed. It was my pride and my false beliefs that were holding me back. A prison isn't always about keeping someone locked up.... it's also about keeping people out. I had the belief that I couldn't trust anyone. When you lock everyone out there ends up being a high price to pay. You can't go through life completely alone, especially with a burden like this. Well you can, but it's incredibly lonely. It's difficult to change that though. It means allowing yourself to be vulnerable and take a chance. When you trust someone you give them power. They have the ability to hurt you. I'm all too familiar with the lonely road... of not letting anyone into that inner sanctum and of being guarded. Now I guess I am just a work in progress.

The thought of trusting someone... and of healing is actually pretty scary. It means leaving my comfort zone and taking some risks. I am a risk taker but those are usually negative risks, ones that are self destructive. Funny how that works. I know it was because I didn't value myself so a part of me didn't care what happened. I was already dead inside. I was numb so that no one could hurt me. This also allowed me to walk into potentially dangerous situations without considering the potential consequences. It could be argued that for a long time I was engaing in behaviour that was tantamount to russian roulette. So now I have to turn that risk taking behaviour into something positive.

The Recovery Process

I needed the vacation not only to relax but also to start the process of healing... For so long I thought that by acknowledging the abuse it was good enough. That was all I needed... And while there is freedom in reconizing it that alone does not bring with it healing.

As I write this I do feel a profound sense of loss. In many ways I am still just a child. I may be 27 years old but a part of me is trapped... a prisoner to the past. No family is perfect but most people grow up in a world of safety. To a child parents are godlike. We deify them. Whatever they say must be true. This has important ramifications when parents are abusive.

When someone we love dies we know that grief is a common response and that it is okay.. that it is a necessary step. When it comes to abuse it is still a topic that people don't want to talk about. Even in psychology we talk about the symptoms of abuse and how devastating it is for the victim but there are no real guidelines on how you should feel... and how you get past it.

How should I feel? Your entire worldview is shaped by what your family is like... for better and for worse. Should I grieve what I've lost? In a sense a part of me has died, namely the inquisitve child... the one that is still innocent.... that believes all people are good. Do I have a right to be angry? We're taught to internalize the anger and that hate and anger are negative emotions. Therefore, we shouldn't feel them. I am struggling with that. I understand the need to grieve... but because they're my parents I still feel, even 20 years later, that I shouldn't be angry. That they were just following the cycle of violence. But that would relieve them of their responsibility. It was their responsibility to protect me and they fell short. But I still can't bring myself to feel that rage.

The biggest challenge for me is whether or not I need to forgive them. There was a line in the movie "A Thousand Acres" that said "How do you forgive someone that shows no remorse?" It is much easier to forgive someone when they are truly sorry. How about when they deny? My parents have always denied the abuse and accused me of trying to disrupt the family. So how do you forgive them? And do I need to?

I wrestle with the answers to these questions and with the road that lies ahead. I know it's not an easy one since you can't just undo the past and be instantly cured. I have to change my entire belief system and in essence construct an entirely new reality. Step 1: Healing the hurt within.

The Grieving Process

My vacation was supposed to be about many things. it was supposed to be about time off. It was also supposed to be about stress reduction and relaxation. Hmm... so far the only one that looks like it's happening is the time off. The stress level is increasing, not decreasing. But, most of all, I wanted time to myself. I wanted to just shut myself off from everyone and use the quiet time for reflection. I know I think all the time any ways... but I actually wanted to take the opportunity to grieve. While there might not have been a death I feel I need to grieve the loss of innocence, of my childhood and of all things good. I wanted to feel all the emotions that go with it... the anger... the rage... the sadness... and the intense hurt and betrayal. Correction I don't want to feel them but I need to in order to ever get past it. Seeing as I don't do well with emotion and refuse to show it there is no way I can really process that and deal with it when someone else is here. There's too much background noise when someone else is around. Right now there is also far too much negative energy that I need to deal with first. Looks like I might be taking another week off to grieve... and no one will be allowed here for that one.

Questioning Everything

I'm still going through a mix of emotions and there are a lot of questions that come up as I begin the healing process. I've spent so long pushing it into the background and just accepting it as my reality that I don't know how to deal with the emotions. I also wonder if I have a right to be angry. Part of that comes back to me justifying my mother's behaviour. She was depressed and learned some of the behaviours from her father. But that doesn't make it right. There are a few contradicitons and I am not sure how to reconcile the two. For instance, any type of abuse involves a betrayal but since it's the family there is still a sense of loyalty. Since they were my parents there is love... but because of the detrimental affects there is also a certain element of hate.

I was raised going to church every Sunday and with the whole Christian values. The Bible says to honor your parents and love them. So I feel like I shouldn't hate them... which leads to me wondering what the appropriate response is. I also wonder if I have to forgive them in order to move forward. I'm not sure I can do it.

I also wonder how I can face the pain... the hurt... all the emotions without self destructing. Now that is something I am good at. I'm surprised I am even still alive. I never thought I would be. Between the eating disorder, the self-injury, the binge drinking, the risky sex, and the smoking... They're the only coping mechanisms I know. And all of them are damaging, one way or another.

If I actually face it and work past it will I ever be able to trust people again? With the neglect, as well as the abuse I became a ghost and talked to no one. I was judged by a lot of people and was condemned by most of them as well. As well I wanted to keep the family secret so I trusted no one... well almost no one. I also got to the point where I thought I wasn't worth anybody else's time. Even now I struggle with asking for help or starting the conversation. I know it's not true but I always think I'd be wasting their time. It's not easy to break that and actually trust people. It means being vulnerable... letting go... something I haven't been able to do in a very long time, if I ever could.

Why do I still want their approval? I know it's a lost cause. I know I made it through... I got my degree... I've got a job... yet I still want them to say "Job well done." I keep in touch hoping that one day I will actually hear some sort of praise.... And because I never heard it while growing up I doubt myself and my abilities all the time. I second guess myself and while I can easily find fault in something I'm doing... I don't accept the compliments of others very well. I managed to just shrug it off.

Should I sever all ties? Being in contact with them only causes more pain for me. Things have never changed and they still deny there was any abuse. That leaves me wondering if I should even have contact with them. That comes back to the loyalty. I feel like I have to stay in touch... like I am a bad daughter if I don't.

One of the most challenging questions is "Who am I?" I've been wearing masks for so long... and hiding who I was... that I've forgotten who I really am. The effects of being a victim of abuse is so entwined in my identity that it really has shaped who I am and where I am in my life. All of my coping mechanisms have been extremely negative and often quite damaging. I didn't care if I lived or died. I was an anorexic by the time I was 10. Needless to say that has health consequences and has made it difficult for me to gain weight. I've had alcohol poisoning more times then I would like to admit to. I always set myself up for bad situations even though I know better... and as a result have been raped by 5 different people. So now I see sex as pretty much meaningless (except for Adam... that was different) and it has an association with violence. Cutting yourself on purpose is obviously fucked up and harmful. I went to university to prove that my parents were wrong... that I really could do something with my life. I went into psychology and looking back I wonder if it was an attempt to heal myself or because I had been there so I wanted to help others. So when you start removing all those things and peeling back the layers what is left? Who am I?

I also wonder if the following quote is true... and if it is... then is there even a point to dealing with it and working through the emotions?

"Man... cannot learn to forget, but hangs on the past: however far or fast he runs, that chain runs with him." (Friedrich Nietzsche)