Emotional Rollercoaster

The last few weeks have certainly been an emotional roller coaster. When I was first fired there was first a sense of shock, followed by disbelief. Then there was a sense of relief. I felt like I was free. That thought was short lived though as I was now unemployed. Some days things are looking up and other days all I can see is the bottom of the barrel. It's tough... it really is. It's kind of like being bi-polar with all the highs and lows.

I feel like I did as a kid. I am back to doubting myself and wondering if maybe my mom wasn't right when she said I wouldn't be good enough and that I was nothing. It's a tough place to be.

Paranoia

I took a long walk tonight after work. It was about 9:00 when I came back home but it was already dark. I have always said that I would live my life without fear. Granted that was after the second time I was sexually assaulted... and then it happened again. Either way I was feeling a little vulnerable on the walk home... paranoid even. I kept turning to make sure no one was following me. I really hate the fact other people have that kind of power. The power to make you feel fear, paranoia and vulnerability.

A Mother's Touch

So I was at the chiropractor's today and my back was in rough shape. No surprise there. She said it's the worst it's ever been, even when I first started treatment. Seemed to think it might be related to seeing my mother over the holidays. Told me I needed an anti-mother pill. I think part of the reason I don't want a diagnosis of depression is because I don't want to be her, or anything like her.

Before I left her office Charlene gave me a hug. It was weird... unexpected. I'm not used to anyone giving a damn about me. Well I know people too but I still stay pretty guarded. I don't like to be vulnerable like that. Which reminds me... my mom tried to give me a hug over Christmas. I was embarassed since we were at a restaurant and then basically shunned her. Then I was left feeling guilty. She just wanted contact and I wanted nothing to do with her.

I think I just feel overwhelmed right now... a lot of negative energy and nothing positive. It has me feeling drained, and unable to cope with it. I feel like I am fighting a battle on my own and am losing. I shut out the people that are trying to help me and increase the isolation.

Tomorrow I go see the doctor. See what he thinks the answer is... medication.. therapy... less stress... whatever. But why is it that on this mini-vacation I've only gotten to sleep in once? What's with that? I'm trying to get some rest here.