Therapy

I went to the chiropractor's today. I love Charlene although it's weird... she can read me better then most people I know. I don't even have to say anything and she knows whether it's a good day... bad day.... something major going on... She also does a good job working on my back but it's kind of scary how she can read me. But this is how the first 5 minutes or so went...

C - So did you get the results from the blood tests yet?
M - Yes I did
C - Well...
M - The platelet count is back to normal. The white blood cell count is a little low but the doctor wasn't too concerned about it.
C - The red blood cell count, is that still low?
M - That count cam back fine all three times.
C - So whatdo they think it is?
M - No idea. They seem to think I'm fine.
C - Amazing how they go from thinking the bone marrow may not be producing blood cells to you're healthy. You had me scared.
M - Me too
C - I was thinking I was going to have to drive you to Kingston or something.
C - With the suppressed immune system do you think it might be chronic stress?
M - Maybe... Stress... what stress?
C - I was thinking family stress
M - Oh you mean like my mother arguing with me about driving up to Scarborough the night before.
C - Are you serious?
M - Yep. She brought me to tears. It was impressive actually.
C - Ever thought about going to see a counsellor?
M - Hmm... last time I went to see one they just wanted to talk about my ex and how he was feeling
C - Okay a good one....

I'll leave out the rest of the conversation... but I thought it was interesting. I haven't seen her in a couple of weeks. The last few times I've been in it has been about the doctors and whether or not there has been any news. My family hasn't been a topic of conversation in quite a while... so why now? Shows just how well she can read me.

And as far as therapy goes... I know what's wrong with me. What, is it going to turn into a repeat of "Good Will Hunting" with them saying, "It's not your fault." I know it's not. I also know how to work the system. I was in mandatory counselling back when I was in high school. I let them believe things were going well and never really got anywhere. I know you're supposed to be honest when in therapy... but I do't even trust my friends and keep them at a distance. So why would I just open up to a therapist? I still have that protective shell. I don't talk about me. At least not about anything serious. I don't want anyone to see the emotion... and I don't want to feel it. So yes therapy would probably be beneficial... assuming that I could allow myself to be honest and trust that person... not something that comes easy to me.

A Mother's Touch

So I was at the chiropractor's today and my back was in rough shape. No surprise there. She said it's the worst it's ever been, even when I first started treatment. Seemed to think it might be related to seeing my mother over the holidays. Told me I needed an anti-mother pill. I think part of the reason I don't want a diagnosis of depression is because I don't want to be her, or anything like her.

Before I left her office Charlene gave me a hug. It was weird... unexpected. I'm not used to anyone giving a damn about me. Well I know people too but I still stay pretty guarded. I don't like to be vulnerable like that. Which reminds me... my mom tried to give me a hug over Christmas. I was embarassed since we were at a restaurant and then basically shunned her. Then I was left feeling guilty. She just wanted contact and I wanted nothing to do with her.

I think I just feel overwhelmed right now... a lot of negative energy and nothing positive. It has me feeling drained, and unable to cope with it. I feel like I am fighting a battle on my own and am losing. I shut out the people that are trying to help me and increase the isolation.

Tomorrow I go see the doctor. See what he thinks the answer is... medication.. therapy... less stress... whatever. But why is it that on this mini-vacation I've only gotten to sleep in once? What's with that? I'm trying to get some rest here.