Decision to Heal

Okay so once again I have decided to plagarize... but for a worthwhile cause... This was taken from The Joyful Heart Foundation web site and I wanted to post it because I believe that it has a great deal of power and truth.

Once you recognize the effects of the trauma you have experienced, you have the choice to make an active commitment to yourself to heal. The journey to recovery can only happen when you choose to take the first step along the path to enlightenment. You must be willing and ready to explore, confront and make peace with your emotions, feelings and the reality of what has happened and the aftermath. You can take back the power and control that was taken from you.

• Breaking the Silence
  Disclosing what you have experienced in your life to someone you trust and feel safe with can be a profound step towards healing. By no longer keeping the violence a secret, you can dispel the shame of being a victim and allow yourself the courage to be a survivor.
  
  
• Making Contact with the Person Within
  After experiencing life-altering trauma, more often than not the survivor has lost touch with the person they use to be and does not recognize the person they have become. Getting in touch with yourself is a process with no time limit.
  
  
• Understanding It Wasn't Your Fault
  Survivors often believe that they somehow caused what happened. Survivors must place the blame where it belongs- directly on the abuser.
  
  
• Trusting Yourself
  You inner voice is one of the most powerful components in the healing process. Learn to trust your own perceptions, feelings and intuitions and let this be your guide.
  
  
• Grieving and Mourning
  Allow yourself permission feel what you are feeling. Grieving is a way to accept your pain, honor your pain, let go of it, and move into the present.
  
  
• Anger: The Backbone of Healing
  Anger is one of several paths you may encounter on your journey towards healing. It is an acceptance of what has happened. It is a powerful emotion that can help you heal and possibly motivate you to move forward.
  
  
• Spirituality
  Having a sense that there is a power greater than yourself may be an invaluable asset during your healing process. Spirituality holds a unique meaning for every individual and their personal journey.
  
  
• Resolution and Moving Forward
  You may move through one or none of these stages. You may walk, run and jump from stages only to return to where you began, yet these feelings and perceptions will stabilize once you go through what it is you need to feel and experience. You will come to terms with what has happened to you once you are ready. We can not change yesterday. We can live for today and look towards tomorrow. The wound will heal and there will be a scar, yet let it be testament of your survival. Having gained awareness, compassion and power through your healing you will have made the commitment to yourself to live your life on your terms.
  
  
• FORGIVENESS
  The only essential forgiveness is of yourself.

Paranoia

I took a long walk tonight after work. It was about 9:00 when I came back home but it was already dark. I have always said that I would live my life without fear. Granted that was after the second time I was sexually assaulted... and then it happened again. Either way I was feeling a little vulnerable on the walk home... paranoid even. I kept turning to make sure no one was following me. I really hate the fact other people have that kind of power. The power to make you feel fear, paranoia and vulnerability.

Consent

The post over at SD's blog on Consent really got me thinking. What is consent? Sure there is the dictionary definition but in the real world what does it really mean to give consent? In its most basic form I take it to mean that I agreed to something. I'll even expand that slightly. In order to give consent I must actively agree to something. It seems like one of the only time consent even comes into question is in regards to sex. I already posted the legal definition... at least it's the legal definition in Canada.

In a nutshell I believe that in order to consent both parties must be capable of giving consent. Alcohol obviously impairs this ability. The decision must also be made free of coercion. Lastly, consent is an active process. Not saying no is not the same as saying yes.

If I look back at the times I was assaulted alcohol was a factor in 4 cases. It's very easy for me to rationalize it and say that I was just drunk. That I just regretted it later. But alcohol rapidly impairs my judgment. In fact, three of those times I had alcohol poisoning. With that much alcohol in my system there is no way I was legally able to give consent. With Mike I initially agreed and then stopped. For as drunk as I might have been I said no. Then I passed out and he decided to keep going. That was what I woke up to.

When alcohol was not a factor it was about power and my own naivity. I always believed that people were inherently good. My parents did a lousy job of teaching me those important life lessons, such as who to trust. In fact all I knew was manipulation so for someone else to play me like that came as no surprise. So that involved coercion instead of alcohol.

I'm sure the other party would (and has) argued for implied consent... that they didn't realize I said no. In spite of the fact alcohol is not a legal defense sexual assault is still about he said/she said. In fact my charges against Mike were dropped because of a lack of witnesses. But the one thing I come back to, time and time again, is that I did not actively give consent.

It's still tough to put the blame where it belongs, with the other person. I still have the tendency to want to blame myself... If I hadn't gone out that night.... If I hadn't been drinking... But, at the same time, other people need to be responsible for their own actions. Alcohol means that you are incapable of giving consent. Sex does involve 2 people and both of them have to give consent to the activities.

I think part of the reason it is so tough to blame the other person is because then our sense of justice and of safety gets shot to hell. It also means we have to give up the illusion of control. Not to mention the fact we often know our attacker. We don't want to admit that the people we know are capable of this... to put a face to the monster.

I'd like to say it's easy to get past it and move on with your life. I wish that was true. It has shaped many aspects of my life... how I see the world... how I see myself... my views on sex... and I'm still an insomniac. But that's why they say healing is a process and not an event. But to anyone that has been victimized it is not your fault. You did not deserve this. Nothing gives them the right.

Criminal Code of Canada

Criminal Code of Canada sections relating to Sexual Assault

The definition of consent is found in section 153(2) and (3):

273.1(1) Meaning of "consent" - Subject to subsection (2) and subsection 265(3), "consent" means, for the purposes of sections 271, 272 and 273, the voluntary agreement of the complainant to engage in the sexual activity in question.

(2) Where no consent obtained - No consent is obtained, for the purposes of sections 271, 272 and 273, where

(a) the agreement is expressed by the words or conduct of a person other than the complainant;

(b) the complainant is incapable of consenting to the activity;

(c) the accused counsels or incites the complainant to engage in the activity by abusing a position of trust, power or authority;

(d) the complainant expresses, by words or conduct, a lack of agreement to engage in the activity; or

(e) the complainant having consented to engage in the sexual activity, expresses, by words or conduct, a lack of agreement to continue to engage in the activity.

This is a very broad definition that illustrates what would constitute non-consensual sexual activity. It recognizes that women cannot always speak up and say no. They may be disabled or frozen in some way from speaking up, they may be intimidated or coerced into saying yes when they don't want to, they may be too afraid to say no. According to the Criminal Code of Canada there is no consent in any of these scenarios. The Criminal Code of Canada views sexual assault as an assault that is sexual in nature. The sexual assault offences include: sexual assault; sexual assault with a weapon, threats to a third party or causing bodily harm; and aggravated sexual assault.

272(1) Sexual assault with a weapon, threats to a third party or causing bodily harm -
Every person commits an offence who, in committing a sexual assault,

(a) carries, uses or threatens to use a weapon or an imitation of a weapon;

(b) threatens to cause bodily harm to a person other than the complainant;

(c) causes bodily harm to the complainant; or (d) is a party to the offence with any other person.

273(1) Aggravated sexual assault - Every one commits an aggravated sexual assault who, in committing a sexual assault, wounds, maims, disfigures or endangers the life of the complainant.