Sadness & Pain

As I look at my last post it makes me quite sad... I'm sure I could've written a lot more if I really put my mind to it... and I might modify it later as more things come to mind. But to me it really speaks to the lifelong effects. We shape our views: both of the world and of self from our families and it's pretty clear the effects have been pretty devastating.

I wear a mask, something I talked about in another post, found here. That mask is about protecting myself. I don't want other people to see me as weak. Maybe part of me does want to protect the family as well. After all they are still my family. I feel like people would see through me. I am very guarded because I don't want to take the chance someone will expose me as a fraud. They'll realize that I don't know what I am doing and that I've been faking it... I know that it's a cognitive distortion and is a result of the lies I've been told and the neglect... but it's still my reality. I know that people wouldn't think less of me but I still try and mask the social deficits. Social interaction was lacking at home... right along with life skills. It's basically all self-taught and I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb. As if people mock me behind my back.

I am my own worst critic... expecting perfection and not accepting anything less. I keep thinking that if I could just be perfect then I just might win my parents approval. It's a pipe dream and will never happen. But I keep trying.... hoping. All I want is for them to say "Job well done" The sad reality is that I just set myself up to fail. Not because I'm not worthy... or a fuck-up... but because all I have is false hope. I am never going to hear those words... So I keep pushing myself... and then each time it's a disappointment. And each time I then try harder so the disappointment is even more pronounced.

All of my relationships have been touched by this legacy. I have difficulty trusting anyone because my home life was chaotic and disorganized. My mom would put me down to build up her own self esteem. There was nothing healthy about it. Just arguments and a real lack of human contact. Good touch.... bad touch... How about no touch at all? This is evident in any interpersonal relationship. I shy away from human contact and try not to get to close to anyone. I prefer isolation and my cat. After all, Azrael doesn't think I am a fraud. He doesn't care that I don't know what I am doing. I don't have to be perfect. His love is unconditional... as long as I keep feeding him any ways. *lol*

But there are some other devastating effects and the damage can't be undone. I was never taught anything about good relationships/bad relationships. I was naive and trusting. I lost that innocence pretty quickly. When I was 13 I was dating an older guy. I wanted love and acceptance... all those things that were lacking at home. Instead my innocence was shattered and replaced by victimization. I'm still not sure whether to call it seduction or rape. Well no matter what it was still statutory rape. Between that and the fact my second sexual encounter was also a rape it has really shaped future relationships. For most people sex is about intimacy and being close to someone, vulnerable. For me there will always be an association with violence. I was watching an episode of Law and Order: SVU and they said that if you've been a victim of sexual assault you are 7x more likely to be victimized again. I can see it. In the last 15 years (or almost 15 years) I have been sexually assaulted 5x. Three of those had a direct correlation to alcohol consumption. And how many times did I press charges? Once. Ultimately the charges were dropped but I did stand up for myself... However, the memories will last forever. The flashbacks and the nightmares.

Back when I was 18 I believed in waiting until marriage... And then after being raped for the second time that didn't seem to matter as much. Sex was meaningless. For a long time it was about random encounters... one night stands... Dissociation while having sex. Nothing mattered. It wasn't until I was with Adam that I really regretted some of those decisions. For once I realized that my decisions affected more then just me. But I can't take it back. Sex + Love Still = Violence.

The pattern of pain just continues when you look at the ways I chose to cope. I never learned any healthy ways to cope. I learned to escape in the bottom of a bottle. I was anorexic by the age of 10. And somehow I learned not to feel anything at all. On top of that I learned that self-injury was an effective way to reduce feelings of anxiety, anger, or any other intense emotion. It was highly effective and hard to stop. I still battle with it.

As you can see it's a wake of devastation and no part of my life has been left untouched. So what can you read from this? I am pretty fucked up. I lack social skills which I cover up. I never learned to have good, healthy relationships. I have difficulty trusting people, or at least am guarded. I am continually working to gain my parents approval which I'll never have. My relationships are marred by these trust issues which is why they never last. Then there is the violence. Sexual assault and physical abuse... I've seen it all. Last but not least I learned all kinds of negative ways to cope and no good ways to cope. This is the legacy of abuse and the pain it leaves behind.

What I Remember...

I am going to start this post with a warning. For one it could be graphic and disturbing. Secondly, I am not sure how much profanity will be involved... So be warned, especially for those people that know me in the "real world." This post is about what I remember from growing up...


Family

• "You're never going to be good enough"
• "Bitch, slut, whore," etc.
• Cold, unemotional and unavailable father
• Accused repeatedly of lying when I said I had never tried smoking... So I started smoking.
• Self taught... I taught myself how to do everything because no one else was going to. (Neglect comes in many forms)
• Over protective parents who tried to control me... instead of teaching me about life and what situations to avoid (see Relationships below)
• Ambivalent attachments
• Hate
  

Personality Traits/Psychological Disorders

• Overachiever
• Ghost in high school... just wanting to blend in and not stand out
• Fear of being discovered as a fraud... that maybe my parents were right
• Fear of abandonment/rejection
• Serious trust issues...
  
• Generally just fucked up
  

Relationships

• They say you date someone like your father... in my case that was probably not a good thing
• To most people a 5 year age difference in a relationship (when you're young) would send up red flags... Not to my parents. The end result: Raped at the age of 13
• Raped again at 18 after being too intoxicated to give consent
• Random sexual partners trying to fill the void... seeking acceptance
• The forever association between sex and violence
• Raped again by a co-worker (does it ever stop???)
• Relationships filled with abuse... what the fuck is a healthy relationship?
• Don't touch me
  

Coping Mechanisms (Maladaptive Coping)

• Anorexic at the age of 10 (that's right I said 10)
• Self-injuring by the age of 13... started one day in class with a compass. Been cutting myself off and on ever since. The longest I have stopped for was 3 years. Currently at the 6 month mark
• Punching walls until drawing blood; heading to the ER for x-rays
  
• Problem drinker by the time I went to university
• Staying up late at night to avoid the fights (Phase delayed sleep disorder)
  

Therapy (the Good Kind)

• Azrael (or any other pet that I've had)
  
• Retail therapy (better then some of the self destructive methods any ways)
  
• Sitting outside at night because it was the only time/place I felt safe... Alone... free to feel
  

Grief & Mourning

All too often grief is associated with death. It's like you are not allowed to grieve for any other reason. As taken from Wikipedia, "Grief is a multi-faceted response to loss. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, it also has a physical, cognitive, behavioural, social and philosophical dimensions. Common to human experience is the death of a loved one, be they friend, family, or other. While the terms are often used interchangeably, bereavement often refers to the state of loss, and grief to the reaction to loss. Losses can range from loss of employment, pets, status, a sense of safety, order, possessions, to the loss of the people nearest to us. Our response to loss is varied and researchers have moved away from conventional views of grief (that is, that people move through an orderly and predictable series of responses to loss) to one that considers the wide variety of responses that are influenced by personality, family, culture, and spiritual and religious beliefs and practices."

Based on that grief is simply about loss... Everyone is different, a combination of genes and cultural background. No one reacts the same way to situations and not everyone grieves in the same way. When I had to put Tigger down it was a very tough thing for me. It was like he was my child. But I felt that it was stupid... He was a pet. Tigger was more then that to me. He was a part of the family. And I had every right to grieve his loss.

Whatever the loss... people have a right to grieve. As part of my healing I am allowing myself to grieve.... Grieving what I lost. I lost my innocence and my childhood. I was robbed through abuse and neglect. There is a sense of loss. Right and wrong was challenged... Lies and truth sometimes the same. And now I am mourning those losses and allowing myself to feel that pain, that hurt and the betrayals.

How We See Reality

I have come to the conclusion that 2+2 does not always equal 4, especially not to someone that has been victimized by abuse. Okay so I'm not really talking about mathematics there. I realize that 2+2 equals 4, and is a mathematical certainty. No matter what my beliefs tell me that is always going to be the case. Why is that? It seems to remind me of all the times I heard "Because I said so" as a justification. Not that I am here to debate mathematical beliefs... That was just bit of a tangent.

Most people grow up in a home life that is stable and supportive... where you get consistent messages. In home lives where there is abuse or neglect it is often unpredictable. The message you get one day might be the complete opposite of what you hear 2 days later. One day 2+2 might equal 4 and another it might equal 5. There is no consistency and you never know what to expect.

Abuse leads to a distorted view of reality. After all you think that this is normal. And it's tough when you eventually find out differently. How do you reconcile the lies? It's a splintered sense of self. There are common beliefs (like the 2+2 = 4) that people hold... Barring a low self esteem most people have the belief that they intrinsically have value. Someone that has been a victim of abuse tends to put a condition on that. "I am worth something if..." I could come up with a bunch of examples of that but it's late and I am really tired.

This post was sounding a lot better in my head then it is written out... probably because it's almost 3:00 in the morning. Interestingly enough, as I am writing this the song "Love Heals" just came up in my iTunes library. That is an appropriate song for the moment. In a perfect world we would all have been given the same message (or at least similar messages) and 2+2 would always equal 4 in our belief system. We would all recognize that we have value just for being alive and being who we are. But instead we have these splintered realities and fucked up lives. Welcome to reality baby.

Love & Pain

Winter is a time when most people feel slightly depressed. There is decreased sunlight and longer periods of darkness. It's also a time for post-holiday blues. I always have a hard time around this time of year. Christmas is supposed to be a time with family... For many that is not such a happy time. You can include me on that list. It is a reminder of the past. The only thing that runs through my head is "You're not good enough." And try as I might I can't get past that. I know better... I *know* it's a lie. But when you have been told something often enough you tend to believe it. It's a tough thing to get past. The Christmas season is a reminder of all these things. Love and pain are a tough combination... If I could hate or feel anger it would be so much easier. But this is my family and I still love them. But there is a great deal of pain mixed in there. Pain of betrayal... of the lies... Love & Pain