Email From Mom

I got an email from mom the other day. She asked how the "collage" career was going. Then went on to tell me she had a dog but it barked all the time. Now first of all it's not collage... it's college. And it's not like she said anything about it going well... And then spent more time talking about the dog. It's a sublminal thing (or maybe not all that hidden) but we end our writing with what matters most to us.... since that's what the reader will remember the most. Read: She cares more about the dog than me.

Skip ahead.... I was talking to my sister and found out that she gave away the dog already. It was quite nasty and would attack. So let's see... she cares more about this dog which she gave away. Great I feel so loved.

All I Want to Do is Cut

I honestly don't know what's going on with myself. I feel totally off balance and all I want to do is go back to the cutting... as if that will stop the emotional side of things and regain balance. It's almost becoming a consuming thought. I broke my bracelet, not that losing it would be the reason that I don't go back to it but still it's like the alcoholic saying the serenity prayer in the morning. It was my reminder of where I have been, where I am going, and that I am still in recovery and always will be. I do get a lot of lot of strength from it. I think the only thing right now that stops me from doing it is the fact it has been 5 years now. I don't want to trade in the 5 years clean but I really do want to shut my mind off and make it go away!

I can't pinpoint one specific trigger but I can say there are quite a few different things weighing heavily on my mind right now. For one, if I don't have a summer job then I will be facing eviction. I wish that I could push that fact out of my mind and just concentrate on school but I can't. I have always been one to worry even about things that are out of my control. I mean I have some control over it but I can't start work for another month so really there is no point worrying about it. Doesn't stop me though.

A couple of weeks ago I got a letter from the dean for academic achievement. Should have been great news. And I was proud of myself for about 2 minutes. Then the thought crossed my mind, "even if she isn't proud of me I am." That really put a damper on my mood. I just wish that mom could be proud of me. I'm on the dean's list here. High up in the program. And then it just left me feeling like none of it mattered. After all I am killing myself for good grades and for what? I am the only one it matters too. That was made worse by the fact I was beating myself up for getting an 80% on an assignment. An 80% is still a good mark. But I was really upset with myself for it. I put way too much pressure on myself to do well... and some of that is because I keep thinking that if I do really well I will earn her respect... love even... Unconditional love? What is that? No idea.... Well I do.... but that comes more from my cat than from her....

Skip ahead to this week. This week was St. Patrick's Day. I hate St. Patrick's Day even though I am Irish. Nothing like the anniversary of losing your virginity to a date rape happening on a holiday. Then it becomes kind of in your face and even if you wouldn't have remembered otherwise... now you do. And people want to know what your plans are... and why you are not wearing green... and all you want to do is get through the day and pretend that it doesn't exist. It's been 18 years so most times it's not that big a deal. I am not haunted by the images any longer. But this year it has been different. The day before I was with a few class mates in the cafeteria and for whatever reason the topic of discussion was losing your virginity, parental sex education, menstruation and what not. One of my buddies does not like the topic at all and was pretty uncomfortable. He wasn't alone. For them it was all "ha ha" moments. But for me well... my parents skipped the sex ed conversation since to them you just don't have it before marriage (sorry mom and dad but as of writing this I have now had 35 partners... and very few of them I even gave a damn about). I was neglected so when it came to coming of age I had to teach myself everything which is a source of embarrassment. But really... thanks for the reminder that my first time was rape.... Because my parents didn't seem to think a 13 year old dating an 18 year old was an issue. And by them talking about it... especially so close to the actual anniversary I ended up reliving it and then everything that has happened since. I pretty much bolted from the conversation and then got to relive the sexual violence.

I don't know how to make it stop. I have been restless... not able to get any work done.... angry... upset... hurt... all these emotions. I almost snapped on a couple of good friends just to push them away. A little projection any one? or at least defense mechanisms. I guess I just really want to be numb. I want to feel nothing. Which leads to me wanting to cut in the hopes that it would allow me to be numb.

While Some Things Have Changed Others Have Not

It has been about a year and a half since I last posted here. I really got away from posting anything of substance. My other blog is certainly pretty censored since family have access. I feel like I lost my voice in there and lately have felt like something is missing as a result.

As far as what has happened I was employed... and then I wasn't. Got laid off. It was a blessing though since I hated that job but couldn't bring myself to quit, no matter how much stress it caused. Plus there was a new program that provided funding for me to go back to school. I am loving it.

However, I read the last post which is what prompted me to write and realize just how much some things have stayed the same. I am trying to get the stalker to leave me alone. Just before Christmas we were driving to the school and got in a fight. Now I HATE Christmas. I really just want to be left the fuck alone and survive the holidays. True to course it was a fight with family but that is for a separate post. But he has this need to be with people so he felt neglected and couldn't seem to respect the fact I wanted to be left alone and it was nothing personal. But the real winning comment was, "I know you have had a shitty existence..." Thanks for that. So I didn't call him since I was angry and still dealing with the holidays. Then New Years eve we got into it again. Fighting because I hadn't called. And he asked if I saw an us in the new year. Now I have never seen an us... and will never see an us. If I ever even thought about it shoot me. The next words out of his mouth were,, "Guess we will need to divide up our stuff then." Excuse me? I thought we were friends... Not like a relationship that just ended or something. Told me right there that we were never friends. And really the only thing that he can even claim is the computer. Then 2 days later he was acting like nothing happened. It was actually kind of scary. It meant that he can't accept the reality. So I prepared myself to tell him to "fuck off and leave me alone" and then get the police involved if necessary.

2.5 months later I have not answered the phone when he called and yet he still tries... Not as often but he still calls and makes up excuses. Hasn't gotten the hint yet. And periodically will show up here... That part is unnerving. But really I don't want to have him escalate since I am concerned about my safety.

My last post was on my mother's response and how she thought we were just good friends. I told her just after the new year that it was over and I would get the police involved if necessary. Even told her that he took advantage of me when intoxicated. Then I had a doctors appointment to go to and it was out of town. She mentioned that the stalker was going to give me a ride and that I should give him a call and get him to drive me. Seriously? You want me to continue involvement with him just to get a ride??? You are fucking nuts.

I Don't Understand

In some ways this is the condensed version of a previous post and in some ways it's an expansion. In a nutshell I have a stalker. This person has an obsession with me and will not give up... in spite of 3 relationships. Not sure what I can do to convince this person that I am not interested. A few weeks ago things escalated with them. A more detailed synopsis can be found here. This post really isn't about my relationship them it's about my relationship with my mom.

The whole thing has left me with the phrase, "I don't understand" constantly going through my mind. I thought that parents were supposed to actually look out for the well-being of their children... even believe what they have to say. Instead she keeps trying to convince me that he is really just a good friend, even to the point of arguing with me.

I must say that if someone I knew (whether it was family, friend, acquaintance) said that they had a stalker and that this person had made them feel fear in their own home my reaction would have been much different. My first reaction would be to find out if they were okay and to make sure they were safe at that moment. Second to that would be to find out if they wanted to file a police report and if so if they wanted moral support.

It is not something to be taken lightly. And if someone feels threatened like that the last thing I would want to do is defend the other person and try to convince them that it wasn't true. Other people may have limited exposure to what's going on but really don't see the inner dynamics of the relationship. The victim sees it... and lives it.... and if they feel intimidated/bullied/harrassed by someone the last thing we should do is make them thing they're wrong and it's all in their head. Ultimately that just gives the stalker more power and makes the other person feel even more victimized.

Back to my mother though... I don't understand how she can simply say what a good friend he is when she knows next to nothing about him. She's met him for all of 5 minutes and that was about 3 years ago. Yes I make use of him to take me grocery shopping and what not... mainly because he won't leave me alone any ways... there have to be some perks. But that does not make a good friend. Let's make a list of all the things he's done that do not make for good friends.

• A good friend does not take advantage of you sexually when you're drunk and can't legally consent
• A good friend does not show up randomly, uninvited (now there are some friends that I would accept that from but that's because they won't show up ALL the time)
• A good friend does not try to break up your relationships so that you'll have more time for them
• A good friend does not try to prevent you from having a relationship
• A good friend does not make you feel claustrophibic where you see them so often that no one else seems to get your time
• A good friend accepts the fact that "no" really means no and allows you to move on.... without clinging to some hope that no might really become yes if you wait long enough
• A good friend can accept the fact that maybe it really is about them
• A good friend is not manipulative, controlling, and obsessive
• A good friend will not introduce fear into your home and make you scared

So, he's just a good friend? Mom even got mad at me when a week later I was ignoring him. Went back to trying to convince me that he was just trying to be a good friend and that he had no one... So I must be the mean one. Mmm kay.... I just don't understand.... And maybe that's a good thing. It means I'm not like her.

Landing on Both Feet

I realize that we are now more then halfway through 2008 but I wanted to take a moment to look back to 2007 since with my absence there were some things that were left out. Until now I don't think I realized just how much of myself I was sacrificing at work. Funny how it takes being fired to really find that freedom. No matter what I did it really didn't matter. I was doomed. I thought that it was going to be some big screw-up that sent me packing.... and it turned out to be the most innocent thing. well okay maybe not entirely innocent but it certainly wasn't about job performance. It was all over a picture that was posted on FaceBook. At the time it was like my world didn't even make sense. I thought this was my career. What was I going to do now? I watched as most of my friends abandoned me. I was now the pariah and since I didn't work there we no longer had things in common.

I think my theme song could be "Boulevard of Broken Dreams." I did have people that stood by me but they didn't understand what I was going through. After all it didn't happen to them. They still had their jobs. I felt alone, lost at sea. I was trying to fight a company and there were definitely times I questioned it... especially as the months dragged on and the more other people began to doubt. But I never gave up. I kept fighting and eventually I did win. I couldn't get my job back but I did get termination pay.

There is a lot of shame in being fired... even if it was not justified. While I was fighting them my employment record said, "terminated with cause." I was very reluctant to job hunt and go through interviews because I had no answer for why I left my last job. I didn't want to lie but couldn't tell the truth either. It took 9 months to be resolved.. 9 very long months.

In November I started working for my current company. I consider it to be a time of transition. I have no long term aspirations here.... no desire to move up the corporate ladder. It's more about just putting in the time and building up my confidence so that the old job will be but a distant memory when it comes time to do an interview. Aside from the low wages it is exactly what I need. Perfect for the slacker within all of us.

Now it's about moving forward.... and it's nice to be able to look back and see that I really did land on both feet. At the time I wasn't so sure and had no idea how I was going to make it. But the survival instinct kicked in and here we are. Just remember, one foot in front of the other.

Head vs Heart

Healing from the legacy of abuse is an ongoing process... One day at a time really. For far too long I have done little more then acknowledge it. But knowledge does not always imply truly accepting it. I really didn't want to accept the implications... that I was a victim... that it never should've happened... that my parents failed at the one thing they are supposed to do: protect their children. Okay so there are more responsibilities... but safety and security really is the foundation. I'm sure there was an element of denial in there. Well I know there was since my parents have always denied it... So that just fuels the denial from within.

It's also about cognitive dissonance. In a nutshell you can't have two contradictory thoughts. Well you can... but you strive to reduce (or even eliminate) the dissonance. We need unity and for our world to make sense. As a kid we have all these images of our parents and most of us put them on a pedestal. At the very least we don't expect them to be a monster. So, in our minds (I suppose I really shouldn't generalize here) we turn to other defense mechanisms like denial or blaming ourselves. It's about survival. You do what you have to... And often times it's easy to blame yourself... You must have deserved it. So even now I struggle to make the pieces of that puzzle fit and accept these contradictory images of who my parents really were.

I think the word of the day is acceptance. I have to be able to accept their flaws and really, truly accept the truth... not just pay lip service to it. I have had the thought before that it's like there is a separation between head and heart. My head (intellect) can admit that I grew up in a household with abuse and neglect but my heart (emotion) is still struggling to accept that. It's a work in progress.

So right now (well perhaps not at this exact moment) I am working on allowing myself to completely feel it... That sense of loss... and the pain... work through it... Come out the other side. And basically just make it so that intellect and emotion are in line.

And We're Back

After an extended absence and some soul searching I'm back. I almost took the Blog offline permanently. I had realized that my sister was reading it and suddenly felt like I had to hold back what I was saying. I already have one Blog that is about the more mundane ongoings in my life... my way to keep people up to date, mainly so I don't have to talk to them. This one is supposed to be my inner thoughts... my release. If I was censoring myself I really didn't see the point i updating it. And just as I was about to delete it altogether (now part of that was just a withdrawal where I wanted to pretty much delete my entire online footprint) it hit on me to just change the web site address and continue to hide it. Now I can say what I want without fear of hurting someone. I'll leave the updates for another post. For now this is my welcome back.

Extended Absence

So it has been an extremely long time since I posted here... It really is hard to keep up with 2 different blogs. And that doesn't even include email, Facebook usage, and everything else that I am doing. Usually I find that I retreat to this blog during the tough times as a way to vent all those things that are really personal to me. But part of my LOA (leave of absence) has been because things have actually been looking up in my world. So I guess the absence is acceptable then. :) I won with the labour board, started a new job, and have had contact with my biological mother. What a year... I still have so much to say but this is still the inner voice.... And as of late I haven't felt like I need to hide behind anything. Well okay that is right up until the holidays any ways. So if I have time later maybe I will blog about that. But at the moment I am at work and might want to focus on that.

All About Self Preservation

I feel like I am the negative shadow, personality wise. Quite often when under times of stress your alter ego emerges. As of late I feel like I am fighting with everyone and everything. It has taken all my strength to get to this point and now I just feel overwhelmed.

There are so many negative forces in my life and I feel like I am swimming against the tide and as a result am drowning. Too many voices in my head, all quick to share their opinion of what I should do. But they all have their own agenda. Why can't it be about what I want and what is best for me? When did human nature become so selfish?

As part of that negative shadow I see old ways emerge. I know that I shouldn't drink... at least not to escape. All it does is bring more pain. That has been the end result and you never really escape any ways. So far I have not gone back to the self-injury although I am tempted by it.... Tempted by the release it offers and the chance to go back to being numb.

So my withdrawal into myself is about self-preservation. I don't want more "noise" or "advice" from people. I just want to survive and find a way through this. At the moment that means isolation, just me and my thoughts.

Very Adult Content

Mingle² - San Diego Singles

This rating was determined based on the presence of the following words:

• pain (55x)
• rape (10x)
• sex (6x)
• hurt (3x)
• hell (2x)
• gun (1x)

Whack a Mole

I know that I haven't posted in a while but it's hard to keep up with 2 different blogs. As of late it just seems like it is one thing after another. I almost feel like I am under attack and have been withdrawing as of late. I prefer isolation any ways so it's not that big a deal. Relatively speaking I am fine.... I just want to be like a turtle and stick my head in my shell until the storm is over.

One of the big things right now is family. There is the adoption issues that have resurfaced again. My biological mother called me out of the blue to tell me that she would be in the area and wanted to know if I was available to meet. The timing was off and there was some missed communication. So now I am disappointed that I didn't get the chance to meet her. I am also relieved because I am not in the best frame of mind at the moment.

Conversations with my parents have also been less than smooth. I'm 28 years old. I think I can make my own decisions by now. And yes I do know that I need to find a job and I will. Do you not think that I have enough stress without being reminded of that? I hate to say it but the one thing that keeps going through my mind about the call I had with my dad is that it cost me about $9. The joys of long distance on a cell phone... and right now I don't really have that kind of money. It doesn't sound like a lot... but right now I need to come up with $30 to pay rent, $35 for my chiropractor appointment, $25 for Dell, and it would be kind of nice to be able to buy some groceries.... So spending $9 on a conversation where I was left feeling empty and worthless just makes it worse.

I've come to the conclusion that life is like a game of whack a mole. Just when you hit one mole and make him disappear another one pops up. It just never stops. Now where's that mallet when you need one.

The Darkness

Today is the first time in a very long time I feel virtually consumed by the darkness.... It just seems so black and hopeless.  I don't get angry very often.  But when I do it's very ugly.  I don't deal well with anger because it's such a strong and powerful emotion.  And all I want to do is restore some semblance of balance.  It's no wonder I am extremely tempted to go back to the self-injury.  I know it would bring me back to homeostasis or at least close to it.  It is taking a great deal of self-control for me not to... Well that and knowing that tomorrow I will be in a bathing suit and would rather not be asked about new scars.  *lol*

I've also gone back to old ways of complete isolation.... I've cut myself off and refuse to ask for help.  For as much as I tell other people not to be an island I haven't exactly learned that lesson myself.  I'm getting better but this is one time when I just want to be alone.

Azrael has been a great companion all evening.  He has been quite needy... probably feeding off the energy and the fact I've actually been watching TV and not playing online.  So I have been all for giving him attention.  It has calmed me down.... maybe not completely but still even a little calmer is an improvement.

Can I just stick my head in the sand... or become like a turtle until this is over?  I know that's not how life works.  I have to gut it out and get past this.  Tommorow I am getting together with friends.  It's either going to be really good for me... or really bad... not entirely sure which.  Time will tell.

Random Musings

Call it therapy… Call it venting… Call it whatever. Solace… Withdrawal… These are all words that describe my world at the moment, or at least what I would like. There is something to be said for isolation. I always thought that it was about the number of friends you have and being popular. I have since learned that it is better to have a few friends that you can depend on. And sometimes you just need complete and utter isolation. Time alone to think… to reflect… to heal. My biggest challenge to that comes in the form of technology. For as far as we have advanced it takes away from the peace and tranquility. Now we are just caught up in the television and the internet and all these things that take up our time and allow distraction. It brings with it a whole new form of escapism. No longer do you need drugs or alcohol. Just connect to the internet and spend hours chatting with people, playing games, or various other tasks. They say that it is the global community… but to me it simply brings more isolation.

Believe me I do a fantastic job as it is for escaping. I can avoid things like no other. And I can change the topic without people noticing. It’s a practiced skill. The question is, why do I choose to escape? Why do I avoid cleaning out the closet and getting rid of the skeletons that are contained there? It is much healthier to deal with it and move on.

For everyone there is a different reason. For me I think it stems from fear. I’m not afraid of the skeletons per se. I am afraid of feeling the emotions that go along with it. From the time I was young I was taught that crying equaled weakness so I vowed not to cry… and more importantly not to let anyone see me cry. It was as if they would then think I am a weak individual.

For years I was numb… I felt nothing at all. Now when faced with any type of strong emotion I want to suppress it and go back to being numb. Being numb is where I am comfortable. It’s easy to stay there and not move forward. It’s much more challenging to step out of that comfort zone, face those “issues” and then move forward.

It was this desire not to feel anything that led to me turning to self-injury. Somewhere I learned along the way that it is easier to deal with physical pain then with emotions. By cutting myself it gave me something else to focus on. There was the rush of endorphins and, of course, the fact self-preservation is paramount. Cutting is also about taking care of yourself. I didn’t have anyone taking care of me and as absurd as it sounds it was soothing. So part of the fear is that I will be so overwhelmed that I will go back to the self-injury in an attempt to cope with everything that has happened. It’s not entirely unrealistic since I am still tempted at times.

And dealing with the family also raises other questions. From the time I was little I was taught that you respect your parents. But what if they don’t deserve your respect? I feel obligated to respect them even though they don’t deserve it.

Forgiveness is also key in the Christian faith. And this is one I really struggle with. Do I need to forgive them? They hurt me and abuse has a lasting effect so I don’t want to forgive them. By not forgiving them I feel like I am this horrible person. I feel this even though it was not my fault and the way I was treated was not right. My parents won’t even acknowledge that they might have done anything wrong which makes it even harder.

The Bible also talks about being slow to anger. I know that to face the past and those skeletons is going to involve a wide range of emotions… including anger. Again, I feel like I am this really bad person for being angry with my parents. I don’t like anger… and it is undoubtedly the emotion that I find the most unsettling. Whenever I get angry I immediately want to feel peace. It is by far the single strongest emotion to lead back to self-injury.

So maybe being a Christian is a detriment to the whole healing process. We create this image of our parents as a deity and it is very difficult to change that. And if I face the truth and the pain it means dealing with the emotions to go with it. And it means facing the fact my parents are not god-like and I did not deserve what they did. I was a kid… an innocent kid… and they took that from me. It also means separating myself from Christianity at least until after I work through some of the grief, anger, and pain. Not to say I am giving up my faith... just working through those emotions.

They say the first step is admitting. So I am admitting that I never should have been treated this way. And I am admitting that I struggle with the emotional response to it. And I admit that I struggle with the "Christian" response to it all. After that comes the process of healing and dealing with it. Let’s see if I have the courage to face that process and allow myself to grieve so that one day I might be free.

Quiet Reflection

Right now I feel like there is so much turmoil. I am restless and uneasy... something I haven't felt in a very long time. Usually this relates to family. This time it is no different. Tonight I was reminded again of what does not exist in my family. There is no support... there is no bonding... there is nothing more then rejection and pain. I want to be alone with that pain and grief. Unfortunately for me everyone here is still up... and I am pretty sure me having a breakdown would not be such a good thing. It's all pretty raw. I am not sure how much longer I can contain it. What I wouldn't give right now to go back to being numb and feeling nothing at all. I know how I can bring about that sense of balance but would be forced to go back to something I don't want to do. I've felt like a caged animal for a while now and want to feel something that resembles peace... or at least not be at war with myself. I guess the big question is how to bring that about without trading in my soul in the process.

Pain & Agony

The more time I spend talking to my mother the more manipulative I realize that she is. It brings back all kinds of memories of my youth and they are not fond memories. There is no support there, just pain. And each time the wounds are reopened. I have also discovered that I have spent the last 10 years on the run... running from my family... running from everything. I didn't want to deal with it. I just wanted to feel nothing. I figured that by walking away I wouldn't have to deal with it and could just escape. But the quote at the top of the page still holds true. "Man... cannot learn to forget, but hangs on the past: however far or fast he runs, that chain runs with him." Friedrich Nietzsche No matter how far and how fast I went I didn't escape and now am face to face with everything that I ran from.

It has left me with sadness and feeling vulnerable. All I really want is reassurance. I want to know that things are going to be okay. But when you're 28 years old you can't quite get away with having a security blanket. I am scared of human contact and the sense of touch because I didn't have that growing up. Scared that another person would see me as being weak and expose all the deficiencies that exist. Scared of being vulnerable. And those fears are holding me back. I am not free... I am nothing more then a prisoner in my gilded cage.

And now I almost feel like I should get away from technology and sit outside in the peace and quiet. Just me, my thoughts, and my tears. The long road from pain and agony to healing...

Everything Happens for a Reason

Recent events have definitely made me realize that everything happens for a reason. Call it fate... call it God's will... call it whatever you want. On one hand I was thinking that Facebook was a bad thing since it cost me my job. But on the other it allowed me to reconnect with people I have not seen in years, people that I always wondered, "Whatever happened to ______?"

Losing my job set me free. At first sure there was shock, anger and disbelief. After all I didn't expect this to happen and certainly didn't do anything out of malice. But it was a blessing in disguise. I have a lot less stress now. And I was never going to get anywhere there. Now I am free... free to do what I want.

They really don't teach you about life in school... I went to public school and then high school. It was assumed that I was going to go to university so I did. I got my degree in Psychology but couldn't find a job. So I settled for life in a call center and stayed because I had a steady pay cheque. Now I can do anything... I can pursue my writing... and pursue jobs that I have an interest in.

My lease is also up so while I have to give 60 days notice I can choose to move elsewhere if so desired. Anyone that knows me knows that I am not fond of Peterborough. And there are more opportunities for me to do coaching/counselling elsewhere. So it just might be my chance to leave here for good.

And getting back to Facebook it has brought people back into my life that I haven't seen since I left Cobourg almost a decade ago. Now when I left Cobourg I never looked back. Having people come back into my life also made me realize there were parts of the past that I had never dealt with... that I had just ignored and swept under the rug. I thought if I ran from it then it didn't matter. All you need is someone to push you, a spark to ignite things. Suddenly I was face to face with everything. No more running this time. I am nowhere near the point where healing is complete but it's a step in the right direction.

Support often comes from unlikely sources... One person from work has really kept me going through the tough times. She has done a fantastic job of keeping me positive and focused. But when I was fired I thought I'd never hear from her again. I had only known Michelle for a short period of time and had no contact information before I was fired. But she tracked me down and has been a huge source of inspiration.

The other source of inspiration has come from my past. Shana recently found me on Facebook and we got to talking. It was like no time at all had passed even though it had been a decade. She has challenged me even when I was quite happy to stay in my little bubble. I appreciate friends like that.

Only time will tell what the future will bring but I do know that whatever happens it happens for a reason.

Emotional Rollercoaster

The last few weeks have certainly been an emotional roller coaster. When I was first fired there was first a sense of shock, followed by disbelief. Then there was a sense of relief. I felt like I was free. That thought was short lived though as I was now unemployed. Some days things are looking up and other days all I can see is the bottom of the barrel. It's tough... it really is. It's kind of like being bi-polar with all the highs and lows.

I feel like I did as a kid. I am back to doubting myself and wondering if maybe my mom wasn't right when she said I wouldn't be good enough and that I was nothing. It's a tough place to be.

Make It Stop

All I want right now is for the pain to stop. Is that too much to ask? I am beginning to think that my life is the stuff tragedies are written about. Nothing ever seems to go well for an extended period of time. When something happens it's like there is a domino effect. Several other things have to fall apart. The song "Pain" by Three days Grace says:

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

You're sick of feeling numb
You're not the only one
I'll take you by the hand
And I'll show you a world that you can understand
This life is filled with hurt
When happiness doesn't work
Trust me and take my hand
When the lights go out you will understand

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

Anger and agony
Are better than misery
Trust me I've got a plan
When the lights go off you will understand

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing
Rather feel pain

I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you're wounded
You know (You know you know you know you know)
That I'm here to save you
You know (You know you know you know you know)
I'm always here for you
I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you'll thank me later

Pain, without love
Pain, can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain


I'm not so sure I agree with it. Right now I think I would rather be numb and feel nothing then to feel all the pain. I just want it to stop.

Seeking Answers

In the Matrix they say, "It's the question that drives you." In the movie the question is, "What is the Matrix?" In my case it is more the question, "Why?" Sometimes there is no answer... Maybe it is all fate. Maybe it is just life. As humans we seek to understand to find meaning. And sometimes it's not that easy. I wonder if there really are lessons in everything or if sometimes things just happen and leave you with nothing more then, "Why?" I'd like to think that events in life have shaped my identity and made me a stronger person but some days I wonder.

Disturbed - Just Stop

Just stop enough of the limitless critical comments on my life
Just drop the judgment and all of your pseudo-involvement in my life
Step back a moment, and look at the miracle starting in our life
Don't stop the moment, and let the incredible happen knowing that

All that you want is to criticize
Something for nothing
And all that I want is forgiveness one more time
To be the best in the world

Just stop with all of your little deliberate problems with my life
Enough of all the crippling, terrible pain we feel inside
Step back a moment, remember how the miracle started in our life
Take back the torment; I won't be enjoying this moment knowing that

All that you want is to criticize
Something for nothing
And all that I want is forgiveness one more time
I know that
All that we want is to feel inside
Some kind of comfort
And all that we've done
We can hide
We'll be the best in the world

All I ever wanted was to be a real source of compassion
From the moment that we found ourselves drowning in
All I ever wanted was to be a real source of compassion
From the moment that we found ourselves drowning in

All that you want is to criticize
Something for nothing
And all that I want is forgiveness one more time
I know that
All that we want is to feel inside
Some kind of comfort
And all that we've done
We can hide
We'll be the best in the world
We'll be the best in the world
Just stop enough of the limitless critical comments on my life
Just drop the judgment and all of your pseudo-involvement in my life

No News is Good News

I don't really have a whole lot to say. I can't top the last post I had. Every time I look at it I feel it is just so prolific and really sums everything up. Healing is a process. It is not an event. When I think about my family life it brings with it a range of emotions. There is a great deal of sadness. So far I can't bring myself to feel anger. For as justified as the anger might be I just can't do it. Anger, for me, is an overwhelming emotion. It's not one I want to experience. I tend to direct anger inwards and self-destruct. So I really don't want to face that anger... not yet any ways.

Sadness & Pain

As I look at my last post it makes me quite sad... I'm sure I could've written a lot more if I really put my mind to it... and I might modify it later as more things come to mind. But to me it really speaks to the lifelong effects. We shape our views: both of the world and of self from our families and it's pretty clear the effects have been pretty devastating.

I wear a mask, something I talked about in another post, found here. That mask is about protecting myself. I don't want other people to see me as weak. Maybe part of me does want to protect the family as well. After all they are still my family. I feel like people would see through me. I am very guarded because I don't want to take the chance someone will expose me as a fraud. They'll realize that I don't know what I am doing and that I've been faking it... I know that it's a cognitive distortion and is a result of the lies I've been told and the neglect... but it's still my reality. I know that people wouldn't think less of me but I still try and mask the social deficits. Social interaction was lacking at home... right along with life skills. It's basically all self-taught and I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb. As if people mock me behind my back.

I am my own worst critic... expecting perfection and not accepting anything less. I keep thinking that if I could just be perfect then I just might win my parents approval. It's a pipe dream and will never happen. But I keep trying.... hoping. All I want is for them to say "Job well done" The sad reality is that I just set myself up to fail. Not because I'm not worthy... or a fuck-up... but because all I have is false hope. I am never going to hear those words... So I keep pushing myself... and then each time it's a disappointment. And each time I then try harder so the disappointment is even more pronounced.

All of my relationships have been touched by this legacy. I have difficulty trusting anyone because my home life was chaotic and disorganized. My mom would put me down to build up her own self esteem. There was nothing healthy about it. Just arguments and a real lack of human contact. Good touch.... bad touch... How about no touch at all? This is evident in any interpersonal relationship. I shy away from human contact and try not to get to close to anyone. I prefer isolation and my cat. After all, Azrael doesn't think I am a fraud. He doesn't care that I don't know what I am doing. I don't have to be perfect. His love is unconditional... as long as I keep feeding him any ways. *lol*

But there are some other devastating effects and the damage can't be undone. I was never taught anything about good relationships/bad relationships. I was naive and trusting. I lost that innocence pretty quickly. When I was 13 I was dating an older guy. I wanted love and acceptance... all those things that were lacking at home. Instead my innocence was shattered and replaced by victimization. I'm still not sure whether to call it seduction or rape. Well no matter what it was still statutory rape. Between that and the fact my second sexual encounter was also a rape it has really shaped future relationships. For most people sex is about intimacy and being close to someone, vulnerable. For me there will always be an association with violence. I was watching an episode of Law and Order: SVU and they said that if you've been a victim of sexual assault you are 7x more likely to be victimized again. I can see it. In the last 15 years (or almost 15 years) I have been sexually assaulted 5x. Three of those had a direct correlation to alcohol consumption. And how many times did I press charges? Once. Ultimately the charges were dropped but I did stand up for myself... However, the memories will last forever. The flashbacks and the nightmares.

Back when I was 18 I believed in waiting until marriage... And then after being raped for the second time that didn't seem to matter as much. Sex was meaningless. For a long time it was about random encounters... one night stands... Dissociation while having sex. Nothing mattered. It wasn't until I was with Adam that I really regretted some of those decisions. For once I realized that my decisions affected more then just me. But I can't take it back. Sex + Love Still = Violence.

The pattern of pain just continues when you look at the ways I chose to cope. I never learned any healthy ways to cope. I learned to escape in the bottom of a bottle. I was anorexic by the age of 10. And somehow I learned not to feel anything at all. On top of that I learned that self-injury was an effective way to reduce feelings of anxiety, anger, or any other intense emotion. It was highly effective and hard to stop. I still battle with it.

As you can see it's a wake of devastation and no part of my life has been left untouched. So what can you read from this? I am pretty fucked up. I lack social skills which I cover up. I never learned to have good, healthy relationships. I have difficulty trusting people, or at least am guarded. I am continually working to gain my parents approval which I'll never have. My relationships are marred by these trust issues which is why they never last. Then there is the violence. Sexual assault and physical abuse... I've seen it all. Last but not least I learned all kinds of negative ways to cope and no good ways to cope. This is the legacy of abuse and the pain it leaves behind.

What I Remember...

I am going to start this post with a warning. For one it could be graphic and disturbing. Secondly, I am not sure how much profanity will be involved... So be warned, especially for those people that know me in the "real world." This post is about what I remember from growing up...


Family

• "You're never going to be good enough"
• "Bitch, slut, whore," etc.
• Cold, unemotional and unavailable father
• Accused repeatedly of lying when I said I had never tried smoking... So I started smoking.
• Self taught... I taught myself how to do everything because no one else was going to. (Neglect comes in many forms)
• Over protective parents who tried to control me... instead of teaching me about life and what situations to avoid (see Relationships below)
• Ambivalent attachments
• Hate
  

Personality Traits/Psychological Disorders

• Overachiever
• Ghost in high school... just wanting to blend in and not stand out
• Fear of being discovered as a fraud... that maybe my parents were right
• Fear of abandonment/rejection
• Serious trust issues...
  
• Generally just fucked up
  

Relationships

• They say you date someone like your father... in my case that was probably not a good thing
• To most people a 5 year age difference in a relationship (when you're young) would send up red flags... Not to my parents. The end result: Raped at the age of 13
• Raped again at 18 after being too intoxicated to give consent
• Random sexual partners trying to fill the void... seeking acceptance
• The forever association between sex and violence
• Raped again by a co-worker (does it ever stop???)
• Relationships filled with abuse... what the fuck is a healthy relationship?
• Don't touch me
  

Coping Mechanisms (Maladaptive Coping)

• Anorexic at the age of 10 (that's right I said 10)
• Self-injuring by the age of 13... started one day in class with a compass. Been cutting myself off and on ever since. The longest I have stopped for was 3 years. Currently at the 6 month mark
• Punching walls until drawing blood; heading to the ER for x-rays
  
• Problem drinker by the time I went to university
• Staying up late at night to avoid the fights (Phase delayed sleep disorder)
  

Therapy (the Good Kind)

• Azrael (or any other pet that I've had)
  
• Retail therapy (better then some of the self destructive methods any ways)
  
• Sitting outside at night because it was the only time/place I felt safe... Alone... free to feel
  

Grief & Mourning

All too often grief is associated with death. It's like you are not allowed to grieve for any other reason. As taken from Wikipedia, "Grief is a multi-faceted response to loss. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, it also has a physical, cognitive, behavioural, social and philosophical dimensions. Common to human experience is the death of a loved one, be they friend, family, or other. While the terms are often used interchangeably, bereavement often refers to the state of loss, and grief to the reaction to loss. Losses can range from loss of employment, pets, status, a sense of safety, order, possessions, to the loss of the people nearest to us. Our response to loss is varied and researchers have moved away from conventional views of grief (that is, that people move through an orderly and predictable series of responses to loss) to one that considers the wide variety of responses that are influenced by personality, family, culture, and spiritual and religious beliefs and practices."

Based on that grief is simply about loss... Everyone is different, a combination of genes and cultural background. No one reacts the same way to situations and not everyone grieves in the same way. When I had to put Tigger down it was a very tough thing for me. It was like he was my child. But I felt that it was stupid... He was a pet. Tigger was more then that to me. He was a part of the family. And I had every right to grieve his loss.

Whatever the loss... people have a right to grieve. As part of my healing I am allowing myself to grieve.... Grieving what I lost. I lost my innocence and my childhood. I was robbed through abuse and neglect. There is a sense of loss. Right and wrong was challenged... Lies and truth sometimes the same. And now I am mourning those losses and allowing myself to feel that pain, that hurt and the betrayals.

How We See Reality

I have come to the conclusion that 2+2 does not always equal 4, especially not to someone that has been victimized by abuse. Okay so I'm not really talking about mathematics there. I realize that 2+2 equals 4, and is a mathematical certainty. No matter what my beliefs tell me that is always going to be the case. Why is that? It seems to remind me of all the times I heard "Because I said so" as a justification. Not that I am here to debate mathematical beliefs... That was just bit of a tangent.

Most people grow up in a home life that is stable and supportive... where you get consistent messages. In home lives where there is abuse or neglect it is often unpredictable. The message you get one day might be the complete opposite of what you hear 2 days later. One day 2+2 might equal 4 and another it might equal 5. There is no consistency and you never know what to expect.

Abuse leads to a distorted view of reality. After all you think that this is normal. And it's tough when you eventually find out differently. How do you reconcile the lies? It's a splintered sense of self. There are common beliefs (like the 2+2 = 4) that people hold... Barring a low self esteem most people have the belief that they intrinsically have value. Someone that has been a victim of abuse tends to put a condition on that. "I am worth something if..." I could come up with a bunch of examples of that but it's late and I am really tired.

This post was sounding a lot better in my head then it is written out... probably because it's almost 3:00 in the morning. Interestingly enough, as I am writing this the song "Love Heals" just came up in my iTunes library. That is an appropriate song for the moment. In a perfect world we would all have been given the same message (or at least similar messages) and 2+2 would always equal 4 in our belief system. We would all recognize that we have value just for being alive and being who we are. But instead we have these splintered realities and fucked up lives. Welcome to reality baby.

Love & Pain

Winter is a time when most people feel slightly depressed. There is decreased sunlight and longer periods of darkness. It's also a time for post-holiday blues. I always have a hard time around this time of year. Christmas is supposed to be a time with family... For many that is not such a happy time. You can include me on that list. It is a reminder of the past. The only thing that runs through my head is "You're not good enough." And try as I might I can't get past that. I know better... I *know* it's a lie. But when you have been told something often enough you tend to believe it. It's a tough thing to get past. The Christmas season is a reminder of all these things. Love and pain are a tough combination... If I could hate or feel anger it would be so much easier. But this is my family and I still love them. But there is a great deal of pain mixed in there. Pain of betrayal... of the lies... Love & Pain

Family Affair

The holiday season is almost over... pretty soon it will be a brand new year. Yesterday it was time to spend time with the family. That's always a hard thing for me. I went out to lunch with my mom, my sister and my sister's family. I even brought home the chicken with me so even Azrael got some of it. Then we went to Animlia. I almost ended up coming home with fish... but decided I didn't have the cash for it. Plus I am not sure where I would put a fish tank. I had a few errands to run and then we came back here... well my mom had to go to work but the rest of us came back to my place. It was a nice visit. Suzanne knows to keep mom and I separated and only having short visits. I did find it interesting though when mom gave me my Christmas present there was no mention of dad. I know he's out on the west coast but they are still married.

This year Christmas was a little more strained then usual. Mom tried to get dad to come out for a visit. He hasn't even met his grand-daughter yet. But he refused because his siblings are out there. What are we? We may not be blood relatives but the last time I checked family isn't just about the blood ties. And Annika is his granddaughter. Mom may be a lot of things but at least she is trying to make the effort to know her. Apparently, grandma has been telling mom to just let him go... to let him have his own life. So this Christmas did bring with it some sadness. I think people should stay out of their marriage. Let them decide whether or not it is worth saving.

Time with family is also a reminder of the past. It reminds me of the self-doubt and all the times I was told I wasn't good enough and that I would never be anything. For that... I hate the holiday season. At least it is almost over.

Holiday Season

Another Christmas is in the books... I was at work all day and it was a pretty quiet day overall which is exactly what I wanted. I talked to my parents yesterday which meant today was all about work. I'll be glad when the holiday season is completely over. My sister will be coming down on Friday and that will be the extent of my holiday celebration. Well my mom will also be coming out to lunch with us. I have mixed emotions about it. Part of me just wants to be alone and enjoy the time off... but I also feel like I have an obligation to my family. I'm just so tired and lacking energy that all I want to do is sleep so whenever anyone wants me to do something on my days off I am reluctant.

The Holiday Season

We're now in the middle of the holiday season. I hate going shopping because it's always crowded and people are always in a hurry. Of course I am not that crazy about shopping on a good day.

The holiday season is also about family. I won't be seeing my family at all during the holidays. My dad is in BC and, as for the rest of my family, I am working throughout the holidays. It's about staying busy and making some extra money.

My friends are basically family to me. They watch over me and support me. It's my friends that keep me going. Right now I can think of three people... Amy... Tammy... and Christie. They all have my back. Some days I think I'm their pet project though. That they feel somewhat responsible for me... or are trying to protect me. People do seem to have a nurturing instinct when it comes to me. I appreciate my friends and everything they do for me. So the holidays are about spending time with friends.

The Toy Store

Yesterday I was coming home from the dentist and had to stop by the drugstore. On the way there I stopped by the toy store. I have been trying to find a magic 8-ball. I never thought it would be so hard to find. Before anyone asks it has to do with work and I want to use it as an illustration for my agents. Any ways I spend way too much time in the toys section... especially with the games. It got me thinking... Why do I spend so much time in the toy section? I buy games that I rarely play but I do have a nice collection... Now the Nerf gun I do make use of. I came to the conclusion that it's about reliving my childhood.

My childhood is more about innocence lost... at least my adolescence any ways. That was about the same time I realized that family life was not all it was cracked up to be. I was beginning to realize that my parents were over-protective... to the point of smothering me. Instead of teaching me about the world they were trying to keep me isolated. I had to teach myself everything... how to cook... clean... take care of myself. To this day I feel inadequate, especially in social situations. It's part of the reason I tend to keep to myself. I don't want other people to see those deficiencies. Then I overcompensate for them so that people don't question me. It's a good system... and is about protecting myself.

Adolescence was also the time when I developed an eating disorder. My mom would insult my sister over her weight and I didn't want to go through the same thing. So I starved myself. But that didn't stop the harsh words or the insults. I was told I wasn't good enough... I was told I would never amount to anything. I was told that I was a slut... I was a bitch... I was no good. I still carry those scars with me.

At the same time I was somewhat naive. I was too trusting... I still am. I believed that everyone was good. when I was 13 I was dating an older guy. To most people that might have sent out red flags... predator warnings... But no... He went to church so I thought he was one of the good guys. I was sadly mistaken. I have blocked out a lot of the memories from that day... but you can call it seduction.... you can call it statutory rape... you can call it a lot of things. All I know is that it was the day my innocence was taken. I had nightmares about it... flashbacks... all the symptoms of PTSD. I saw myself as damaged goods... and it shaped my views on sex. It has an association with violence... a link made made stronger by the next rape.

So now a part of me is still stuck back there in childhood... trying to capture some of that youth I missed out on. And as a result I buy games and other toys that make me feel safe. To a certain degree I am stuck in the past. They remind me of a time before all this... a time when I was still innocent. It's about healing and self preservation. Now I just need to find a way to break out of that and get past it. Bring the past and present together. Let go of the past.

Decision to Heal

Okay so once again I have decided to plagarize... but for a worthwhile cause... This was taken from The Joyful Heart Foundation web site and I wanted to post it because I believe that it has a great deal of power and truth.

Once you recognize the effects of the trauma you have experienced, you have the choice to make an active commitment to yourself to heal. The journey to recovery can only happen when you choose to take the first step along the path to enlightenment. You must be willing and ready to explore, confront and make peace with your emotions, feelings and the reality of what has happened and the aftermath. You can take back the power and control that was taken from you.

• Breaking the Silence
  Disclosing what you have experienced in your life to someone you trust and feel safe with can be a profound step towards healing. By no longer keeping the violence a secret, you can dispel the shame of being a victim and allow yourself the courage to be a survivor.
  
  
• Making Contact with the Person Within
  After experiencing life-altering trauma, more often than not the survivor has lost touch with the person they use to be and does not recognize the person they have become. Getting in touch with yourself is a process with no time limit.
  
  
• Understanding It Wasn't Your Fault
  Survivors often believe that they somehow caused what happened. Survivors must place the blame where it belongs- directly on the abuser.
  
  
• Trusting Yourself
  You inner voice is one of the most powerful components in the healing process. Learn to trust your own perceptions, feelings and intuitions and let this be your guide.
  
  
• Grieving and Mourning
  Allow yourself permission feel what you are feeling. Grieving is a way to accept your pain, honor your pain, let go of it, and move into the present.
  
  
• Anger: The Backbone of Healing
  Anger is one of several paths you may encounter on your journey towards healing. It is an acceptance of what has happened. It is a powerful emotion that can help you heal and possibly motivate you to move forward.
  
  
• Spirituality
  Having a sense that there is a power greater than yourself may be an invaluable asset during your healing process. Spirituality holds a unique meaning for every individual and their personal journey.
  
  
• Resolution and Moving Forward
  You may move through one or none of these stages. You may walk, run and jump from stages only to return to where you began, yet these feelings and perceptions will stabilize once you go through what it is you need to feel and experience. You will come to terms with what has happened to you once you are ready. We can not change yesterday. We can live for today and look towards tomorrow. The wound will heal and there will be a scar, yet let it be testament of your survival. Having gained awareness, compassion and power through your healing you will have made the commitment to yourself to live your life on your terms.
  
  
• FORGIVENESS
  The only essential forgiveness is of yourself.

'Tis the Season

It's about that time of year to become more withdrawan and to be more melancholy. I don't suffer from seasonal affective disorder or depression. It's just something about this time of year. I think it really is the decreased daylight as well as the colder weather. I can't walk to work now. And the pain with the fibromyalgia is also increased. I think it's also the upcoming holiday season. Whatever the reason... I just want to hibernate. Wake me up in the spring. I also have to be careful because I have a tendency to go for some retail therapy when either stressed or down. I've already noticed it. I'm begining to think I need to hide the bank card so I can't spend anything. Well okay I do need to see the dentist... but other then that... Worst part is we are just starting to get the cooler weather... so it's going to be a long winter.

Turning Points

My vacation has really given me a chance to just be. Usually I am so caught up in the daily grind that life just passes me by. It's all about what I have to do. Next thing I know days... and then weeks... have gone by. It's like the song says, "Every day is exactly the same." The time off has also given me a chance to reflect. People have asked me if I regret going to school knowing the debt load I now carry and the issues I've had with interest relief. The answer is no. While I would like to be out of debt I don't regret the four years I spent at Huron. Looking back... that might have been the best years of my life.

There was never a question of whether or not I would go to university. It was assumed that I would go to school. I suppose I ultimately had a choice but the thought of not going never crossed my mind. The only question was what school? I chose Huron because I loved the campus at Western. Huron was more of a challenge to get into and smaller classes. I always was up for a challenge and never took the easy road.

There are always turning points in our lives. These pivotal moments shape the course our lives take. Sometimes they are small decisions that we think will have no consequence and other times they are big decisions. Going to university was one of those turning points for me. One of my reflections was on my life at the same time. Back in 1998 when I left for school I was 19 and was filled with anger. I had a chip on my shoulder and was on the fast track for disaster. Around the same time my best friend went into a treatment program and my first love went to jail. I had taken a year off between high school and university so I was working. But my job was only part time. Left me a lot of time to get into trouble. I was developing a drinking problem. My friends from work were into drinking and drugs. Had I not gone to school I likely would've chosen that path.

I can wonder what my life would've been like but I'll never know. I left that life behind, as well as those friends. Not to say life has been easy since that point... Life is never easy. But it was one of the best decisions that I ever made. Look at where I am now. I quit smoking... quit drinking (except for on special occassions).... and have ben working for the same company for 4 years. Compared to where I was at 19 that is quite an achievement.

Paranoia

I took a long walk tonight after work. It was about 9:00 when I came back home but it was already dark. I have always said that I would live my life without fear. Granted that was after the second time I was sexually assaulted... and then it happened again. Either way I was feeling a little vulnerable on the walk home... paranoid even. I kept turning to make sure no one was following me. I really hate the fact other people have that kind of power. The power to make you feel fear, paranoia and vulnerability.

Here & Now the Lies Stop

I always hate it when someone challenges me. I do so well at hiding and just trying to fit in, not be noticed. I've become so adept at being a ghost that I sometimes forget who I really am. I don't trust people very often. Except online I don't talk about myself. I don't want to expose myself and risk getting hurt. But every once in a while someone will challenge me and in doing so strip away the defenses. That's not a bad thing since I don't seem to listen to myself. *lol*

As part of the Blogger Carnival there was a post called "Humiliating Others - Deliberate Abuse that Cuts Deep." Ever since I read it on Monday I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. It really spoke to me. I highly recommend that you read it. One of the most important statements was, "And there I sit, looking at these beautiful, intelligent, sensitive people who think they're garbage. It kills me." It's amazing how much one, small statement can have such a profound impact.

In the comments Linda went on to say, "But you and I both know that what we're talking about here totally affects everything. That less-than feeling is like a lens, but instead of helping you see clearly, perverts your vision.

I'm going to write an entire answer to your comment in a post. I agree, acceptance is a big part of it, accepting you, accepting her, then throwing away a bad script."

I've become so entrained in thinking poorly of myself and using negative talk to keep my self-esteem low. It has a lasting effect. Linda's right, it is a lens. It is a lens that is used to continue on with the pain of the past. It also means that my parents still have control over me.

Linda's post has really challenged me to look at the lens through which I am looking at life. My beliefs about myself. I'm not worthless. I have value. I am intelligent. I still have trouble believing that I am beautiful but that's a whole other story. After being challenged to re-evaluate my beliefts about myself I came to the conclusion that here and now the lies stop. :o)

Christina Aguilera - Beautiful

Beautiful

Everyday is so wonderful
Then suddenly
It's hard to breathe
Now and then I get insecure
From all the pain
I'm so ashamed

I am beautiful
No matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful
In every single way
Yes words can't bring me down
Ohh no
So don't you bring me down today

To all your friends you're delirious
You're so consumed
In all your doom
Trying hard to fill the emptiness
The piece is gone
Left the puzzle undone
That's the way it is

You are beautiful
No matter what they say
Words can't bring you down
Ohh no
You are beautiful
In every single way
Yes words can't bring you down
Ohh no
So don't you bring me down today

No matter what we do
No matter what we say
The sun will shine your way
'Cause you are beautiful today

Everywhere we go
The sun won't always shine
But tomorrow's another day
So keep on looking to the sky

We are beautiful
No matter what they say
Words can't bring us down
Ohh no
We are beautiful
In every single way
Yes words can't bring us down
Ohh no
So don't you bring me down today

Don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down
Today