What I Remember...

I am going to start this post with a warning. For one it could be graphic and disturbing. Secondly, I am not sure how much profanity will be involved... So be warned, especially for those people that know me in the "real world." This post is about what I remember from growing up...


Family

• "You're never going to be good enough"
• "Bitch, slut, whore," etc.
• Cold, unemotional and unavailable father
• Accused repeatedly of lying when I said I had never tried smoking... So I started smoking.
• Self taught... I taught myself how to do everything because no one else was going to. (Neglect comes in many forms)
• Over protective parents who tried to control me... instead of teaching me about life and what situations to avoid (see Relationships below)
• Ambivalent attachments
• Hate
  

Personality Traits/Psychological Disorders

• Overachiever
• Ghost in high school... just wanting to blend in and not stand out
• Fear of being discovered as a fraud... that maybe my parents were right
• Fear of abandonment/rejection
• Serious trust issues...
  
• Generally just fucked up
  

Relationships

• They say you date someone like your father... in my case that was probably not a good thing
• To most people a 5 year age difference in a relationship (when you're young) would send up red flags... Not to my parents. The end result: Raped at the age of 13
• Raped again at 18 after being too intoxicated to give consent
• Random sexual partners trying to fill the void... seeking acceptance
• The forever association between sex and violence
• Raped again by a co-worker (does it ever stop???)
• Relationships filled with abuse... what the fuck is a healthy relationship?
• Don't touch me
  

Coping Mechanisms (Maladaptive Coping)

• Anorexic at the age of 10 (that's right I said 10)
• Self-injuring by the age of 13... started one day in class with a compass. Been cutting myself off and on ever since. The longest I have stopped for was 3 years. Currently at the 6 month mark
• Punching walls until drawing blood; heading to the ER for x-rays
  
• Problem drinker by the time I went to university
• Staying up late at night to avoid the fights (Phase delayed sleep disorder)
  

Therapy (the Good Kind)

• Azrael (or any other pet that I've had)
  
• Retail therapy (better then some of the self destructive methods any ways)
  
• Sitting outside at night because it was the only time/place I felt safe... Alone... free to feel