Sadness & Pain

As I look at my last post it makes me quite sad... I'm sure I could've written a lot more if I really put my mind to it... and I might modify it later as more things come to mind. But to me it really speaks to the lifelong effects. We shape our views: both of the world and of self from our families and it's pretty clear the effects have been pretty devastating.

I wear a mask, something I talked about in another post, found here. That mask is about protecting myself. I don't want other people to see me as weak. Maybe part of me does want to protect the family as well. After all they are still my family. I feel like people would see through me. I am very guarded because I don't want to take the chance someone will expose me as a fraud. They'll realize that I don't know what I am doing and that I've been faking it... I know that it's a cognitive distortion and is a result of the lies I've been told and the neglect... but it's still my reality. I know that people wouldn't think less of me but I still try and mask the social deficits. Social interaction was lacking at home... right along with life skills. It's basically all self-taught and I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb. As if people mock me behind my back.

I am my own worst critic... expecting perfection and not accepting anything less. I keep thinking that if I could just be perfect then I just might win my parents approval. It's a pipe dream and will never happen. But I keep trying.... hoping. All I want is for them to say "Job well done" The sad reality is that I just set myself up to fail. Not because I'm not worthy... or a fuck-up... but because all I have is false hope. I am never going to hear those words... So I keep pushing myself... and then each time it's a disappointment. And each time I then try harder so the disappointment is even more pronounced.

All of my relationships have been touched by this legacy. I have difficulty trusting anyone because my home life was chaotic and disorganized. My mom would put me down to build up her own self esteem. There was nothing healthy about it. Just arguments and a real lack of human contact. Good touch.... bad touch... How about no touch at all? This is evident in any interpersonal relationship. I shy away from human contact and try not to get to close to anyone. I prefer isolation and my cat. After all, Azrael doesn't think I am a fraud. He doesn't care that I don't know what I am doing. I don't have to be perfect. His love is unconditional... as long as I keep feeding him any ways. *lol*

But there are some other devastating effects and the damage can't be undone. I was never taught anything about good relationships/bad relationships. I was naive and trusting. I lost that innocence pretty quickly. When I was 13 I was dating an older guy. I wanted love and acceptance... all those things that were lacking at home. Instead my innocence was shattered and replaced by victimization. I'm still not sure whether to call it seduction or rape. Well no matter what it was still statutory rape. Between that and the fact my second sexual encounter was also a rape it has really shaped future relationships. For most people sex is about intimacy and being close to someone, vulnerable. For me there will always be an association with violence. I was watching an episode of Law and Order: SVU and they said that if you've been a victim of sexual assault you are 7x more likely to be victimized again. I can see it. In the last 15 years (or almost 15 years) I have been sexually assaulted 5x. Three of those had a direct correlation to alcohol consumption. And how many times did I press charges? Once. Ultimately the charges were dropped but I did stand up for myself... However, the memories will last forever. The flashbacks and the nightmares.

Back when I was 18 I believed in waiting until marriage... And then after being raped for the second time that didn't seem to matter as much. Sex was meaningless. For a long time it was about random encounters... one night stands... Dissociation while having sex. Nothing mattered. It wasn't until I was with Adam that I really regretted some of those decisions. For once I realized that my decisions affected more then just me. But I can't take it back. Sex + Love Still = Violence.

The pattern of pain just continues when you look at the ways I chose to cope. I never learned any healthy ways to cope. I learned to escape in the bottom of a bottle. I was anorexic by the age of 10. And somehow I learned not to feel anything at all. On top of that I learned that self-injury was an effective way to reduce feelings of anxiety, anger, or any other intense emotion. It was highly effective and hard to stop. I still battle with it.

As you can see it's a wake of devastation and no part of my life has been left untouched. So what can you read from this? I am pretty fucked up. I lack social skills which I cover up. I never learned to have good, healthy relationships. I have difficulty trusting people, or at least am guarded. I am continually working to gain my parents approval which I'll never have. My relationships are marred by these trust issues which is why they never last. Then there is the violence. Sexual assault and physical abuse... I've seen it all. Last but not least I learned all kinds of negative ways to cope and no good ways to cope. This is the legacy of abuse and the pain it leaves behind.