Quiet Reflection

Right now I feel like there is so much turmoil. I am restless and uneasy... something I haven't felt in a very long time. Usually this relates to family. This time it is no different. Tonight I was reminded again of what does not exist in my family. There is no support... there is no bonding... there is nothing more then rejection and pain. I want to be alone with that pain and grief. Unfortunately for me everyone here is still up... and I am pretty sure me having a breakdown would not be such a good thing. It's all pretty raw. I am not sure how much longer I can contain it. What I wouldn't give right now to go back to being numb and feeling nothing at all. I know how I can bring about that sense of balance but would be forced to go back to something I don't want to do. I've felt like a caged animal for a while now and want to feel something that resembles peace... or at least not be at war with myself. I guess the big question is how to bring that about without trading in my soul in the process.