Sunday, May 20, 2007

Random Musings

Call it therapy… Call it venting… Call it whatever. Solace… Withdrawal… These are all words that describe my world at the moment, or at least what I would like. There is something to be said for isolation. I always thought that it was about the number of friends you have and being popular. I have since learned that it is better to have a few friends that you can depend on. And sometimes you just need complete and utter isolation. Time alone to think… to reflect… to heal. My biggest challenge to that comes in the form of technology. For as far as we have advanced it takes away from the peace and tranquility. Now we are just caught up in the television and the internet and all these things that take up our time and allow distraction. It brings with it a whole new form of escapism. No longer do you need drugs or alcohol. Just connect to the internet and spend hours chatting with people, playing games, or various other tasks. They say that it is the global community… but to me it simply brings more isolation.

Believe me I do a fantastic job as it is for escaping. I can avoid things like no other. And I can change the topic without people noticing. It’s a practiced skill. The question is, why do I choose to escape? Why do I avoid cleaning out the closet and getting rid of the skeletons that are contained there? It is much healthier to deal with it and move on.

For everyone there is a different reason. For me I think it stems from fear. I’m not afraid of the skeletons per se. I am afraid of feeling the emotions that go along with it. From the time I was young I was taught that crying equaled weakness so I vowed not to cry… and more importantly not to let anyone see me cry. It was as if they would then think I am a weak individual.

For years I was numb… I felt nothing at all. Now when faced with any type of strong emotion I want to suppress it and go back to being numb. Being numb is where I am comfortable. It’s easy to stay there and not move forward. It’s much more challenging to step out of that comfort zone, face those “issues” and then move forward.

It was this desire not to feel anything that led to me turning to self-injury. Somewhere I learned along the way that it is easier to deal with physical pain then with emotions. By cutting myself it gave me something else to focus on. There was the rush of endorphins and, of course, the fact self-preservation is paramount. Cutting is also about taking care of yourself. I didn’t have anyone taking care of me and as absurd as it sounds it was soothing. So part of the fear is that I will be so overwhelmed that I will go back to the self-injury in an attempt to cope with everything that has happened. It’s not entirely unrealistic since I am still tempted at times.

And dealing with the family also raises other questions. From the time I was little I was taught that you respect your parents. But what if they don’t deserve your respect? I feel obligated to respect them even though they don’t deserve it.

Forgiveness is also key in the Christian faith. And this is one I really struggle with. Do I need to forgive them? They hurt me and abuse has a lasting effect so I don’t want to forgive them. By not forgiving them I feel like I am this horrible person. I feel this even though it was not my fault and the way I was treated was not right. My parents won’t even acknowledge that they might have done anything wrong which makes it even harder.

The Bible also talks about being slow to anger. I know that to face the past and those skeletons is going to involve a wide range of emotions… including anger. Again, I feel like I am this really bad person for being angry with my parents. I don’t like anger… and it is undoubtedly the emotion that I find the most unsettling. Whenever I get angry I immediately want to feel peace. It is by far the single strongest emotion to lead back to self-injury.

So maybe being a Christian is a detriment to the whole healing process. We create this image of our parents as a deity and it is very difficult to change that. And if I face the truth and the pain it means dealing with the emotions to go with it. And it means facing the fact my parents are not god-like and I did not deserve what they did. I was a kid… an innocent kid… and they took that from me. It also means separating myself from Christianity at least until after I work through some of the grief, anger, and pain. Not to say I am giving up my faith... just working through those emotions.

They say the first step is admitting. So I am admitting that I never should have been treated this way. And I am admitting that I struggle with the emotional response to it. And I admit that I struggle with the "Christian" response to it all. After that comes the process of healing and dealing with it. Let’s see if I have the courage to face that process and allow myself to grieve so that one day I might be free.

1 comment:

Vanessa Vega said...

I can understand the inner conflict you feel as you try to make a concession between what you have been raised to believe is true, and what you've actually experienced. I too come from a Christian background and have struggled with self-injury for more than 30 years. Although my faith is very strong, it has contributed to a great deal of guilt about my behavior and the lies I've told to cover it up. I have a blog also and would love to have you visit it and leave comments. Sometimes it helps to know that others can relate to your situation...
http:comes-the-light.livejournal.com

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