I got an email from mom the other day. She asked how the "collage" career was going. Then went on to tell me she had a dog but it barked all the time. Now first of all it's not collage... it's college. And it's not like she said anything about it going well... And then spent more time talking about the dog. It's a sublminal thing (or maybe not all that hidden) but we end our writing with what matters most to us.... since that's what the reader will remember the most. Read: She cares more about the dog than me.
Skip ahead.... I was talking to my sister and found out that she gave away the dog already. It was quite nasty and would attack. So let's see... she cares more about this dog which she gave away. Great I feel so loved.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Saturday, March 20, 2010
All I Want to Do is Cut
I honestly don't know what's going on with myself. I feel totally off balance and all I want to do is go back to the cutting... as if that will stop the emotional side of things and regain balance. It's almost becoming a consuming thought. I broke my bracelet, not that losing it would be the reason that I don't go back to it but still it's like the alcoholic saying the serenity prayer in the morning. It was my reminder of where I have been, where I am going, and that I am still in recovery and always will be. I do get a lot of lot of strength from it. I think the only thing right now that stops me from doing it is the fact it has been 5 years now. I don't want to trade in the 5 years clean but I really do want to shut my mind off and make it go away!
I can't pinpoint one specific trigger but I can say there are quite a few different things weighing heavily on my mind right now. For one, if I don't have a summer job then I will be facing eviction. I wish that I could push that fact out of my mind and just concentrate on school but I can't. I have always been one to worry even about things that are out of my control. I mean I have some control over it but I can't start work for another month so really there is no point worrying about it. Doesn't stop me though.
A couple of weeks ago I got a letter from the dean for academic achievement. Should have been great news. And I was proud of myself for about 2 minutes. Then the thought crossed my mind, "even if she isn't proud of me I am." That really put a damper on my mood. I just wish that mom could be proud of me. I'm on the dean's list here. High up in the program. And then it just left me feeling like none of it mattered. After all I am killing myself for good grades and for what? I am the only one it matters too. That was made worse by the fact I was beating myself up for getting an 80% on an assignment. An 80% is still a good mark. But I was really upset with myself for it. I put way too much pressure on myself to do well... and some of that is because I keep thinking that if I do really well I will earn her respect... love even... Unconditional love? What is that? No idea.... Well I do.... but that comes more from my cat than from her....
Skip ahead to this week. This week was St. Patrick's Day. I hate St. Patrick's Day even though I am Irish. Nothing like the anniversary of losing your virginity to a date rape happening on a holiday. Then it becomes kind of in your face and even if you wouldn't have remembered otherwise... now you do. And people want to know what your plans are... and why you are not wearing green... and all you want to do is get through the day and pretend that it doesn't exist. It's been 18 years so most times it's not that big a deal. I am not haunted by the images any longer. But this year it has been different. The day before I was with a few class mates in the cafeteria and for whatever reason the topic of discussion was losing your virginity, parental sex education, menstruation and what not. One of my buddies does not like the topic at all and was pretty uncomfortable. He wasn't alone. For them it was all "ha ha" moments. But for me well... my parents skipped the sex ed conversation since to them you just don't have it before marriage (sorry mom and dad but as of writing this I have now had 35 partners... and very few of them I even gave a damn about). I was neglected so when it came to coming of age I had to teach myself everything which is a source of embarrassment. But really... thanks for the reminder that my first time was rape.... Because my parents didn't seem to think a 13 year old dating an 18 year old was an issue. And by them talking about it... especially so close to the actual anniversary I ended up reliving it and then everything that has happened since. I pretty much bolted from the conversation and then got to relive the sexual violence.
I don't know how to make it stop. I have been restless... not able to get any work done.... angry... upset... hurt... all these emotions. I almost snapped on a couple of good friends just to push them away. A little projection any one? or at least defense mechanisms. I guess I just really want to be numb. I want to feel nothing. Which leads to me wanting to cut in the hopes that it would allow me to be numb.
I can't pinpoint one specific trigger but I can say there are quite a few different things weighing heavily on my mind right now. For one, if I don't have a summer job then I will be facing eviction. I wish that I could push that fact out of my mind and just concentrate on school but I can't. I have always been one to worry even about things that are out of my control. I mean I have some control over it but I can't start work for another month so really there is no point worrying about it. Doesn't stop me though.
A couple of weeks ago I got a letter from the dean for academic achievement. Should have been great news. And I was proud of myself for about 2 minutes. Then the thought crossed my mind, "even if she isn't proud of me I am." That really put a damper on my mood. I just wish that mom could be proud of me. I'm on the dean's list here. High up in the program. And then it just left me feeling like none of it mattered. After all I am killing myself for good grades and for what? I am the only one it matters too. That was made worse by the fact I was beating myself up for getting an 80% on an assignment. An 80% is still a good mark. But I was really upset with myself for it. I put way too much pressure on myself to do well... and some of that is because I keep thinking that if I do really well I will earn her respect... love even... Unconditional love? What is that? No idea.... Well I do.... but that comes more from my cat than from her....
Skip ahead to this week. This week was St. Patrick's Day. I hate St. Patrick's Day even though I am Irish. Nothing like the anniversary of losing your virginity to a date rape happening on a holiday. Then it becomes kind of in your face and even if you wouldn't have remembered otherwise... now you do. And people want to know what your plans are... and why you are not wearing green... and all you want to do is get through the day and pretend that it doesn't exist. It's been 18 years so most times it's not that big a deal. I am not haunted by the images any longer. But this year it has been different. The day before I was with a few class mates in the cafeteria and for whatever reason the topic of discussion was losing your virginity, parental sex education, menstruation and what not. One of my buddies does not like the topic at all and was pretty uncomfortable. He wasn't alone. For them it was all "ha ha" moments. But for me well... my parents skipped the sex ed conversation since to them you just don't have it before marriage (sorry mom and dad but as of writing this I have now had 35 partners... and very few of them I even gave a damn about). I was neglected so when it came to coming of age I had to teach myself everything which is a source of embarrassment. But really... thanks for the reminder that my first time was rape.... Because my parents didn't seem to think a 13 year old dating an 18 year old was an issue. And by them talking about it... especially so close to the actual anniversary I ended up reliving it and then everything that has happened since. I pretty much bolted from the conversation and then got to relive the sexual violence.
I don't know how to make it stop. I have been restless... not able to get any work done.... angry... upset... hurt... all these emotions. I almost snapped on a couple of good friends just to push them away. A little projection any one? or at least defense mechanisms. I guess I just really want to be numb. I want to feel nothing. Which leads to me wanting to cut in the hopes that it would allow me to be numb.
While Some Things Have Changed Others Have Not
It has been about a year and a half since I last posted here. I really got away from posting anything of substance. My other blog is certainly pretty censored since family have access. I feel like I lost my voice in there and lately have felt like something is missing as a result.
As far as what has happened I was employed... and then I wasn't. Got laid off. It was a blessing though since I hated that job but couldn't bring myself to quit, no matter how much stress it caused. Plus there was a new program that provided funding for me to go back to school. I am loving it.
However, I read the last post which is what prompted me to write and realize just how much some things have stayed the same. I am trying to get the stalker to leave me alone. Just before Christmas we were driving to the school and got in a fight. Now I HATE Christmas. I really just want to be left the fuck alone and survive the holidays. True to course it was a fight with family but that is for a separate post. But he has this need to be with people so he felt neglected and couldn't seem to respect the fact I wanted to be left alone and it was nothing personal. But the real winning comment was, "I know you have had a shitty existence..." Thanks for that. So I didn't call him since I was angry and still dealing with the holidays. Then New Years eve we got into it again. Fighting because I hadn't called. And he asked if I saw an us in the new year. Now I have never seen an us... and will never see an us. If I ever even thought about it shoot me. The next words out of his mouth were,, "Guess we will need to divide up our stuff then." Excuse me? I thought we were friends... Not like a relationship that just ended or something. Told me right there that we were never friends. And really the only thing that he can even claim is the computer. Then 2 days later he was acting like nothing happened. It was actually kind of scary. It meant that he can't accept the reality. So I prepared myself to tell him to "fuck off and leave me alone" and then get the police involved if necessary.
2.5 months later I have not answered the phone when he called and yet he still tries... Not as often but he still calls and makes up excuses. Hasn't gotten the hint yet. And periodically will show up here... That part is unnerving. But really I don't want to have him escalate since I am concerned about my safety.
My last post was on my mother's response and how she thought we were just good friends. I told her just after the new year that it was over and I would get the police involved if necessary. Even told her that he took advantage of me when intoxicated. Then I had a doctors appointment to go to and it was out of town. She mentioned that the stalker was going to give me a ride and that I should give him a call and get him to drive me. Seriously? You want me to continue involvement with him just to get a ride??? You are fucking nuts.
As far as what has happened I was employed... and then I wasn't. Got laid off. It was a blessing though since I hated that job but couldn't bring myself to quit, no matter how much stress it caused. Plus there was a new program that provided funding for me to go back to school. I am loving it.
However, I read the last post which is what prompted me to write and realize just how much some things have stayed the same. I am trying to get the stalker to leave me alone. Just before Christmas we were driving to the school and got in a fight. Now I HATE Christmas. I really just want to be left the fuck alone and survive the holidays. True to course it was a fight with family but that is for a separate post. But he has this need to be with people so he felt neglected and couldn't seem to respect the fact I wanted to be left alone and it was nothing personal. But the real winning comment was, "I know you have had a shitty existence..." Thanks for that. So I didn't call him since I was angry and still dealing with the holidays. Then New Years eve we got into it again. Fighting because I hadn't called. And he asked if I saw an us in the new year. Now I have never seen an us... and will never see an us. If I ever even thought about it shoot me. The next words out of his mouth were,, "Guess we will need to divide up our stuff then." Excuse me? I thought we were friends... Not like a relationship that just ended or something. Told me right there that we were never friends. And really the only thing that he can even claim is the computer. Then 2 days later he was acting like nothing happened. It was actually kind of scary. It meant that he can't accept the reality. So I prepared myself to tell him to "fuck off and leave me alone" and then get the police involved if necessary.
2.5 months later I have not answered the phone when he called and yet he still tries... Not as often but he still calls and makes up excuses. Hasn't gotten the hint yet. And periodically will show up here... That part is unnerving. But really I don't want to have him escalate since I am concerned about my safety.
My last post was on my mother's response and how she thought we were just good friends. I told her just after the new year that it was over and I would get the police involved if necessary. Even told her that he took advantage of me when intoxicated. Then I had a doctors appointment to go to and it was out of town. She mentioned that the stalker was going to give me a ride and that I should give him a call and get him to drive me. Seriously? You want me to continue involvement with him just to get a ride??? You are fucking nuts.
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