All I Want to Do is Cut

I honestly don't know what's going on with myself. I feel totally off balance and all I want to do is go back to the cutting... as if that will stop the emotional side of things and regain balance. It's almost becoming a consuming thought. I broke my bracelet, not that losing it would be the reason that I don't go back to it but still it's like the alcoholic saying the serenity prayer in the morning. It was my reminder of where I have been, where I am going, and that I am still in recovery and always will be. I do get a lot of lot of strength from it. I think the only thing right now that stops me from doing it is the fact it has been 5 years now. I don't want to trade in the 5 years clean but I really do want to shut my mind off and make it go away!

I can't pinpoint one specific trigger but I can say there are quite a few different things weighing heavily on my mind right now. For one, if I don't have a summer job then I will be facing eviction. I wish that I could push that fact out of my mind and just concentrate on school but I can't. I have always been one to worry even about things that are out of my control. I mean I have some control over it but I can't start work for another month so really there is no point worrying about it. Doesn't stop me though.

A couple of weeks ago I got a letter from the dean for academic achievement. Should have been great news. And I was proud of myself for about 2 minutes. Then the thought crossed my mind, "even if she isn't proud of me I am." That really put a damper on my mood. I just wish that mom could be proud of me. I'm on the dean's list here. High up in the program. And then it just left me feeling like none of it mattered. After all I am killing myself for good grades and for what? I am the only one it matters too. That was made worse by the fact I was beating myself up for getting an 80% on an assignment. An 80% is still a good mark. But I was really upset with myself for it. I put way too much pressure on myself to do well... and some of that is because I keep thinking that if I do really well I will earn her respect... love even... Unconditional love? What is that? No idea.... Well I do.... but that comes more from my cat than from her....

Skip ahead to this week. This week was St. Patrick's Day. I hate St. Patrick's Day even though I am Irish. Nothing like the anniversary of losing your virginity to a date rape happening on a holiday. Then it becomes kind of in your face and even if you wouldn't have remembered otherwise... now you do. And people want to know what your plans are... and why you are not wearing green... and all you want to do is get through the day and pretend that it doesn't exist. It's been 18 years so most times it's not that big a deal. I am not haunted by the images any longer. But this year it has been different. The day before I was with a few class mates in the cafeteria and for whatever reason the topic of discussion was losing your virginity, parental sex education, menstruation and what not. One of my buddies does not like the topic at all and was pretty uncomfortable. He wasn't alone. For them it was all "ha ha" moments. But for me well... my parents skipped the sex ed conversation since to them you just don't have it before marriage (sorry mom and dad but as of writing this I have now had 35 partners... and very few of them I even gave a damn about). I was neglected so when it came to coming of age I had to teach myself everything which is a source of embarrassment. But really... thanks for the reminder that my first time was rape.... Because my parents didn't seem to think a 13 year old dating an 18 year old was an issue. And by them talking about it... especially so close to the actual anniversary I ended up reliving it and then everything that has happened since. I pretty much bolted from the conversation and then got to relive the sexual violence.

I don't know how to make it stop. I have been restless... not able to get any work done.... angry... upset... hurt... all these emotions. I almost snapped on a couple of good friends just to push them away. A little projection any one? or at least defense mechanisms. I guess I just really want to be numb. I want to feel nothing. Which leads to me wanting to cut in the hopes that it would allow me to be numb.