Therapy

I went to the chiropractor's today. I love Charlene although it's weird... she can read me better then most people I know. I don't even have to say anything and she knows whether it's a good day... bad day.... something major going on... She also does a good job working on my back but it's kind of scary how she can read me. But this is how the first 5 minutes or so went...

C - So did you get the results from the blood tests yet?
M - Yes I did
C - Well...
M - The platelet count is back to normal. The white blood cell count is a little low but the doctor wasn't too concerned about it.
C - The red blood cell count, is that still low?
M - That count cam back fine all three times.
C - So whatdo they think it is?
M - No idea. They seem to think I'm fine.
C - Amazing how they go from thinking the bone marrow may not be producing blood cells to you're healthy. You had me scared.
M - Me too
C - I was thinking I was going to have to drive you to Kingston or something.
C - With the suppressed immune system do you think it might be chronic stress?
M - Maybe... Stress... what stress?
C - I was thinking family stress
M - Oh you mean like my mother arguing with me about driving up to Scarborough the night before.
C - Are you serious?
M - Yep. She brought me to tears. It was impressive actually.
C - Ever thought about going to see a counsellor?
M - Hmm... last time I went to see one they just wanted to talk about my ex and how he was feeling
C - Okay a good one....

I'll leave out the rest of the conversation... but I thought it was interesting. I haven't seen her in a couple of weeks. The last few times I've been in it has been about the doctors and whether or not there has been any news. My family hasn't been a topic of conversation in quite a while... so why now? Shows just how well she can read me.

And as far as therapy goes... I know what's wrong with me. What, is it going to turn into a repeat of "Good Will Hunting" with them saying, "It's not your fault." I know it's not. I also know how to work the system. I was in mandatory counselling back when I was in high school. I let them believe things were going well and never really got anywhere. I know you're supposed to be honest when in therapy... but I do't even trust my friends and keep them at a distance. So why would I just open up to a therapist? I still have that protective shell. I don't talk about me. At least not about anything serious. I don't want anyone to see the emotion... and I don't want to feel it. So yes therapy would probably be beneficial... assuming that I could allow myself to be honest and trust that person... not something that comes easy to me.

I Stand Alone, Part 2

The reason I included that song is because that is how I have felt most of my life. I have always felt like I stood alone. I had to be the strong one. I had to deal with everything alone. Apparently, when I was younger I once said "I have to get my toughness back." To a certain degree it has always been me against the world. I've spent my entire life trying to prove my parents wrong... trying to prove I wasn't nothing. The hardest person to convince is myself. I still see myself as a failure... as someone who will never amount to anything. That might be why I am having a tough time with the LOA. I have a tough time admitting that I can't do everything by myself... that every once in a while I do need help.

That doesn't mean I think I suffer from clinical depression. I'm actually more likely to have unresolved anger issues. I trusted my parents and they lied to me. I had to be strong to protect myself. And like most abused kids I learned to protect the family secret. Trust no one.

My time off has brought with it a wide range of emotions. There has definiltely been anger at having my hand forced and being told I need to see a psychiatrist. There has also been frustration over the way treatment has gone so far. When I went into psychology it was with the belief that pills are not always the answer. After I went to the walk-in clinic there was also discouragement with the realization that fibromyalgia would never be treated in Peterborough. After my visit with the initial doctor there was also resentment. He minimized what I was going through and said that "Fibromyalgia is typically a symptom of a psychiatric disorder." There was further anger when they put my health in jeopardy with the treatment. Undoubtledtly, there have also been symptoms of depression since I am not being treated for the Fibromyalgia and it feels like I am being blocked at every turn. Nothing has gone right so far and it's hard to remain hopeful.

I'm not saying that counselling would not be a good thing. In 27 years there have been a lot of rough times... and a lot of things undealt with. I guess it's about time I started dealing with them. I've done well at avoidance but that only takes you so far. You can only run for so long before it catches up with you. Looks like it finally caught up with me. So this isn't entirely a bad thing. It's forcing me to deal with the ghosts of the past.