The Year of Lies & Deception

I think if I had to sum up 2005 in a few words it would be lies & deception. There has been a lot of that in the past year. Take my relationship with Tristan. Looking back I wonder if there was any truth in there at all. Then there was the way it ended... on MSN... with me finding out the truth about who he really was. I suppose you could argue there are lies and then there is withholding the truth. But that is where deception comes into play.

One person calls themself a good friend and lies to my face. They try and keep me paranoid. I touched on that a few times now. See, "Survivor in the Real World" and "Gripes from Work" I've had more then enough of the rumour mill at work. When my relationship with Adam ended Val was there as the comforting friend... there when I needed someone. So now, she uses that against me, subconsciously. I still remember when I became a performance coach. It was getting close to the end of the three months and I did not have a team. She said, "They gave you the position to take it away again." It's definitely not the first time she has made dispariging comments and tries to keep me doubting myself. Misery loves company. I don't even think she realizes that she does it but she continuously makes negative comments. Most times I don't really think about it because I am so used to it from family. It's like I expect it.

I am my own worst enemy. I don't need someone else to do it for me. Take my aces for Decemeber, as an example. My mandate was 32 I think. I ended up doing 41 by the end of the month. But I was not able to complete one because of a schedule conflict. I came in early twice to do it but was still not able to. Me being me, I feel like I let my manager down because I didn't get that one ace done. I tried my best... but from myself I expect nothing less then perfection. being second best isn't good enough, probably because I always feel like I have something to prove. I've spent my entire life proving people wrong.

I know I doubt myself and my own abilities. I will admit to that. In 2005 other people really seemed to want to help me with that, but not in a good way. It really sucks when people that you look up to lie to you and try and make you look over your shoulder. At one point another person I had called a friend kept telling me to watch my back and seemed to think my team leader was out to get me. Good thing Chris has always been honest with me. When she is disappointed in me I know about it. And yes that does happen. I'm human. I fuck up. 6 months later I am still there.

But if I was always watching my back and looking over my shoulder it would become a self fulfilling prophecy. That takes a lot of time and energy. And since it involved my team leader would have also led to conflict as well.

Why can't people just hold to the adage that "If you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all." Or at least stop with the lies. Of course, I need to develop a backbone and stand up to Val. She's only hurting me in the long run... the more I listen to it. 2006 is about change. It's about being true to myself and not compromising who I am.

Heather

Good Day

Today was a good day. I finally got caught up on some sleep which was needed. Still battling the flu a bit so I really needed that sleep. I am glad I decided not to make up some hours and go into work. Needed the cash but overall my health is more important!

What made the day even better was the news that Dwayne had a full time job, in Oshawa. That relieves a lot of my stress since it means he has a job. More importantly, it means that he will not be staying here any longer. That sounds kind of harsh but I can only handle him in small doses. And I really didn'ty feel like I had any space at home. Nothing like feeling claustrophobic in your own home. Now if I could just find an actual roommate things would be even better.

I also got word that I should finally be getting my XBox 360 this week... just in time for Christmas. Even though I am not a gamer I am still excited about that. Finally some good news in my world.

And it is almost 2006... 2005 was such a stellar year I can't wait for it to be over. But for now... bed time for me. I have to work in the morning.