We're now in the middle of the holiday season. I hate going shopping because it's always crowded and people are always in a hurry. Of course I am not that crazy about shopping on a good day.
The holiday season is also about family. I won't be seeing my family at all during the holidays. My dad is in BC and, as for the rest of my family, I am working throughout the holidays. It's about staying busy and making some extra money.
My friends are basically family to me. They watch over me and support me. It's my friends that keep me going. Right now I can think of three people... Amy... Tammy... and Christie. They all have my back. Some days I think I'm their pet project though. That they feel somewhat responsible for me... or are trying to protect me. People do seem to have a nurturing instinct when it comes to me. I appreciate my friends and everything they do for me. So the holidays are about spending time with friends.
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Friends
Being off work for 7 weeks has given me time to reflect on friendships. It's also revealed true friendships vs fairweather friends. Some of that was not a suprise but other people showing their support actually was surprising.
Val
No real surprises here... She's partially responsible for me being off work. Val had a breakdown as a result of me being off work (what exactly did that have to do with her?) and was told to stay away from me. In some ways that is a blessing. During the first few days off she added a great deal of stress to my life. Ever time I talk to her it's small talk and I wouldn't say she has been all that supportive. I think she is too busy playing the political game and refuses to take sides. Not that I am asking her to take my side but repeating back the same rhetoric I heard from work is not supportive and doesn't help me.
Steve
Again not really a surprise. With me being off work I see him a lot more then I normally would. While he's backed off trying to get me to sleep with him he hasn't been the most supportive. I'll be honest. I don't care about the calls he took today. I don't really want to think about work. And he's been quite vocal about his opinions of Chris. I know he wants to divide us but I've got enough to deal with. I don't need a battle with him about it, especially not one that becomes a nightly occurance. I'm off work because they think I am depressed. The best thing people can do is help me relax and take my mind off work... not try and aggravate me. Not to mention his ability to add stress to my life over the financial situation... or mentioning looking for a new place to live when I can't even pay my bills, let alone come up with last month's rent to move elsewhere.
Christie
While I have not talked to her that much during my time off she has still been supportive and offered encouragement when I needed it. That is important since a lot of people have been quite negative so it was nice to have someone that was positive.
Tammy
I'm actually surprised about how supportive Tammy has been. Sure we talk at work but I didn't figure I'd hear from her until I came back to work. I was surprised when I saw a post-it note on my door with her phone number and email address. She even sent me a virtual card which was sweet. Then she kidnapped me to give me some time away. Okay so I wasn't really kidnapped. I did have a choice. But it meant a lot to me. Even after knowing why I was off work she didn't hold it against me or judge me for it. I appreciate people that are honest with me.
Adam
The one person involved not from work (aside from family any ways). He didn't even know about it until late in my leave of absence. But he has been pretty supportive and took me out to get some fresh air. I still find it kind of weird that one of the most supportive people in my life is an ex. But I know he still cares about me... maybe even more then he wants to admit. But I can tell him just about anything and he won't hold it against me. I know he'll be honest with his opinions. He lets me vent when I need to and sometimes that's all you need.
So this has been a learning experience. Let's see what I take from it when I do return to work.
Val
No real surprises here... She's partially responsible for me being off work. Val had a breakdown as a result of me being off work (what exactly did that have to do with her?) and was told to stay away from me. In some ways that is a blessing. During the first few days off she added a great deal of stress to my life. Ever time I talk to her it's small talk and I wouldn't say she has been all that supportive. I think she is too busy playing the political game and refuses to take sides. Not that I am asking her to take my side but repeating back the same rhetoric I heard from work is not supportive and doesn't help me.
Steve
Again not really a surprise. With me being off work I see him a lot more then I normally would. While he's backed off trying to get me to sleep with him he hasn't been the most supportive. I'll be honest. I don't care about the calls he took today. I don't really want to think about work. And he's been quite vocal about his opinions of Chris. I know he wants to divide us but I've got enough to deal with. I don't need a battle with him about it, especially not one that becomes a nightly occurance. I'm off work because they think I am depressed. The best thing people can do is help me relax and take my mind off work... not try and aggravate me. Not to mention his ability to add stress to my life over the financial situation... or mentioning looking for a new place to live when I can't even pay my bills, let alone come up with last month's rent to move elsewhere.
Christie
While I have not talked to her that much during my time off she has still been supportive and offered encouragement when I needed it. That is important since a lot of people have been quite negative so it was nice to have someone that was positive.
Tammy
I'm actually surprised about how supportive Tammy has been. Sure we talk at work but I didn't figure I'd hear from her until I came back to work. I was surprised when I saw a post-it note on my door with her phone number and email address. She even sent me a virtual card which was sweet. Then she kidnapped me to give me some time away. Okay so I wasn't really kidnapped. I did have a choice. But it meant a lot to me. Even after knowing why I was off work she didn't hold it against me or judge me for it. I appreciate people that are honest with me.
Adam
The one person involved not from work (aside from family any ways). He didn't even know about it until late in my leave of absence. But he has been pretty supportive and took me out to get some fresh air. I still find it kind of weird that one of the most supportive people in my life is an ex. But I know he still cares about me... maybe even more then he wants to admit. But I can tell him just about anything and he won't hold it against me. I know he'll be honest with his opinions. He lets me vent when I need to and sometimes that's all you need.
So this has been a learning experience. Let's see what I take from it when I do return to work.
Sunday, January 01, 2006
The Year of Lies & Deception
I think if I had to sum up 2005 in a few words it would be lies & deception. There has been a lot of that in the past year. Take my relationship with Tristan. Looking back I wonder if there was any truth in there at all. Then there was the way it ended... on MSN... with me finding out the truth about who he really was. I suppose you could argue there are lies and then there is withholding the truth. But that is where deception comes into play.
One person calls themself a good friend and lies to my face. They try and keep me paranoid. I touched on that a few times now. See, "Survivor in the Real World" and "Gripes from Work" I've had more then enough of the rumour mill at work. When my relationship with Adam ended Val was there as the comforting friend... there when I needed someone. So now, she uses that against me, subconsciously. I still remember when I became a performance coach. It was getting close to the end of the three months and I did not have a team. She said, "They gave you the position to take it away again." It's definitely not the first time she has made dispariging comments and tries to keep me doubting myself. Misery loves company. I don't even think she realizes that she does it but she continuously makes negative comments. Most times I don't really think about it because I am so used to it from family. It's like I expect it.
I am my own worst enemy. I don't need someone else to do it for me. Take my aces for Decemeber, as an example. My mandate was 32 I think. I ended up doing 41 by the end of the month. But I was not able to complete one because of a schedule conflict. I came in early twice to do it but was still not able to. Me being me, I feel like I let my manager down because I didn't get that one ace done. I tried my best... but from myself I expect nothing less then perfection. being second best isn't good enough, probably because I always feel like I have something to prove. I've spent my entire life proving people wrong.
I know I doubt myself and my own abilities. I will admit to that. In 2005 other people really seemed to want to help me with that, but not in a good way. It really sucks when people that you look up to lie to you and try and make you look over your shoulder. At one point another person I had called a friend kept telling me to watch my back and seemed to think my team leader was out to get me. Good thing Chris has always been honest with me. When she is disappointed in me I know about it. And yes that does happen. I'm human. I fuck up. 6 months later I am still there.
But if I was always watching my back and looking over my shoulder it would become a self fulfilling prophecy. That takes a lot of time and energy. And since it involved my team leader would have also led to conflict as well.
Why can't people just hold to the adage that "If you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all." Or at least stop with the lies. Of course, I need to develop a backbone and stand up to Val. She's only hurting me in the long run... the more I listen to it. 2006 is about change. It's about being true to myself and not compromising who I am.
Heather
One person calls themself a good friend and lies to my face. They try and keep me paranoid. I touched on that a few times now. See, "Survivor in the Real World" and "Gripes from Work" I've had more then enough of the rumour mill at work. When my relationship with Adam ended Val was there as the comforting friend... there when I needed someone. So now, she uses that against me, subconsciously. I still remember when I became a performance coach. It was getting close to the end of the three months and I did not have a team. She said, "They gave you the position to take it away again." It's definitely not the first time she has made dispariging comments and tries to keep me doubting myself. Misery loves company. I don't even think she realizes that she does it but she continuously makes negative comments. Most times I don't really think about it because I am so used to it from family. It's like I expect it.
I am my own worst enemy. I don't need someone else to do it for me. Take my aces for Decemeber, as an example. My mandate was 32 I think. I ended up doing 41 by the end of the month. But I was not able to complete one because of a schedule conflict. I came in early twice to do it but was still not able to. Me being me, I feel like I let my manager down because I didn't get that one ace done. I tried my best... but from myself I expect nothing less then perfection. being second best isn't good enough, probably because I always feel like I have something to prove. I've spent my entire life proving people wrong.
I know I doubt myself and my own abilities. I will admit to that. In 2005 other people really seemed to want to help me with that, but not in a good way. It really sucks when people that you look up to lie to you and try and make you look over your shoulder. At one point another person I had called a friend kept telling me to watch my back and seemed to think my team leader was out to get me. Good thing Chris has always been honest with me. When she is disappointed in me I know about it. And yes that does happen. I'm human. I fuck up. 6 months later I am still there.
But if I was always watching my back and looking over my shoulder it would become a self fulfilling prophecy. That takes a lot of time and energy. And since it involved my team leader would have also led to conflict as well.
Why can't people just hold to the adage that "If you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all." Or at least stop with the lies. Of course, I need to develop a backbone and stand up to Val. She's only hurting me in the long run... the more I listen to it. 2006 is about change. It's about being true to myself and not compromising who I am.
Heather
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