Landing on Both Feet

I realize that we are now more then halfway through 2008 but I wanted to take a moment to look back to 2007 since with my absence there were some things that were left out. Until now I don't think I realized just how much of myself I was sacrificing at work. Funny how it takes being fired to really find that freedom. No matter what I did it really didn't matter. I was doomed. I thought that it was going to be some big screw-up that sent me packing.... and it turned out to be the most innocent thing. well okay maybe not entirely innocent but it certainly wasn't about job performance. It was all over a picture that was posted on FaceBook. At the time it was like my world didn't even make sense. I thought this was my career. What was I going to do now? I watched as most of my friends abandoned me. I was now the pariah and since I didn't work there we no longer had things in common.

I think my theme song could be "Boulevard of Broken Dreams." I did have people that stood by me but they didn't understand what I was going through. After all it didn't happen to them. They still had their jobs. I felt alone, lost at sea. I was trying to fight a company and there were definitely times I questioned it... especially as the months dragged on and the more other people began to doubt. But I never gave up. I kept fighting and eventually I did win. I couldn't get my job back but I did get termination pay.

There is a lot of shame in being fired... even if it was not justified. While I was fighting them my employment record said, "terminated with cause." I was very reluctant to job hunt and go through interviews because I had no answer for why I left my last job. I didn't want to lie but couldn't tell the truth either. It took 9 months to be resolved.. 9 very long months.

In November I started working for my current company. I consider it to be a time of transition. I have no long term aspirations here.... no desire to move up the corporate ladder. It's more about just putting in the time and building up my confidence so that the old job will be but a distant memory when it comes time to do an interview. Aside from the low wages it is exactly what I need. Perfect for the slacker within all of us.

Now it's about moving forward.... and it's nice to be able to look back and see that I really did land on both feet. At the time I wasn't so sure and had no idea how I was going to make it. But the survival instinct kicked in and here we are. Just remember, one foot in front of the other.

Everything Happens for a Reason

Recent events have definitely made me realize that everything happens for a reason. Call it fate... call it God's will... call it whatever you want. On one hand I was thinking that Facebook was a bad thing since it cost me my job. But on the other it allowed me to reconnect with people I have not seen in years, people that I always wondered, "Whatever happened to ______?"

Losing my job set me free. At first sure there was shock, anger and disbelief. After all I didn't expect this to happen and certainly didn't do anything out of malice. But it was a blessing in disguise. I have a lot less stress now. And I was never going to get anywhere there. Now I am free... free to do what I want.

They really don't teach you about life in school... I went to public school and then high school. It was assumed that I was going to go to university so I did. I got my degree in Psychology but couldn't find a job. So I settled for life in a call center and stayed because I had a steady pay cheque. Now I can do anything... I can pursue my writing... and pursue jobs that I have an interest in.

My lease is also up so while I have to give 60 days notice I can choose to move elsewhere if so desired. Anyone that knows me knows that I am not fond of Peterborough. And there are more opportunities for me to do coaching/counselling elsewhere. So it just might be my chance to leave here for good.

And getting back to Facebook it has brought people back into my life that I haven't seen since I left Cobourg almost a decade ago. Now when I left Cobourg I never looked back. Having people come back into my life also made me realize there were parts of the past that I had never dealt with... that I had just ignored and swept under the rug. I thought if I ran from it then it didn't matter. All you need is someone to push you, a spark to ignite things. Suddenly I was face to face with everything. No more running this time. I am nowhere near the point where healing is complete but it's a step in the right direction.

Support often comes from unlikely sources... One person from work has really kept me going through the tough times. She has done a fantastic job of keeping me positive and focused. But when I was fired I thought I'd never hear from her again. I had only known Michelle for a short period of time and had no contact information before I was fired. But she tracked me down and has been a huge source of inspiration.

The other source of inspiration has come from my past. Shana recently found me on Facebook and we got to talking. It was like no time at all had passed even though it had been a decade. She has challenged me even when I was quite happy to stay in my little bubble. I appreciate friends like that.

Only time will tell what the future will bring but I do know that whatever happens it happens for a reason.

Holiday Season

Another Christmas is in the books... I was at work all day and it was a pretty quiet day overall which is exactly what I wanted. I talked to my parents yesterday which meant today was all about work. I'll be glad when the holiday season is completely over. My sister will be coming down on Friday and that will be the extent of my holiday celebration. Well my mom will also be coming out to lunch with us. I have mixed emotions about it. Part of me just wants to be alone and enjoy the time off... but I also feel like I have an obligation to my family. I'm just so tired and lacking energy that all I want to do is sleep so whenever anyone wants me to do something on my days off I am reluctant.

Victim Mentality

With Mike finally quitting I feel like I should be closing the door on that chapter in my life. But it's not that easy. You don't just get over having your power taken away and being raped. It's not like you just walk away from that. I've had a hard time even reliving the event.... and it's now been a year. It really has changed my life. I don't go out. I wound up being on a seven week leave of absence because of the cutting.... the irony is that I wasn't even cutting. I just gave away the knife so I wouldn't end up going back to it. The charges were dropped. I saw him almost every day at work and there were people at work that spread rumours about me.

And now... I still feel like a victim. It happened in my own home. That sense of security was shattered. If I am not safe at home then where am I safe? I was further victimized by the justice system. The charges were dropped because there weren't enough witnesses. What exactly were they expecting? Did they want it caught on camera? Then there was work. They just shrugged their shoulders and said "It didn't happen here." As soon as they could legally get away with it he was allowed to wander the building... including into the same area where I work. Just to make it worse... right before the 1 year anniversary they moved him down the hall from me so I saw him numerous times a day. So every day I was further reminded.

I'm not sure my relationships will ever be the same. I already had issues with trust and intimacy from my family background and past experiences. Now I am back to not being able to let it go. The thought of intimacy terrifies me. How can I trust anyone? I hate to think of myself as a victim because society still associates that with weakness. There is a great deal of victim blaming. I know it wasn't my fault. I know that nothing justifies what he did. I just don't know how to get past that.

Easy Way Out

I'm still spending way too much time trying to process everything that happens... just trying to make sense of the world. I've come to realize that my silence and not trusting anyone is about taking the easy way out. It's much easier to keep it to myself then it is to admit that I don't know the first thing about healthy relationships or trust. I don't even know how I should feel. That world is all I know. All I know is pain. I am basically self taught. I come from a world of neglect. As a result I've walked into some brutal situations... and I feel like I should've known better. That vow of silence is also about deficiencies. I overcompensate for my past and have this idea that I have to be perfect. Needless to say I'll never live up to that. I know it's cost me... but I don't know how to change it. I don't know how to ask for help... I had no examples to go by when I was growing up so to a certain degree I make it up as I go along.

I am still intimidated by public speaking... I've always been a ghost in the background.... trying not to stand out. I'm afraid of being wrong.... I'm afraid of being reprimanded. I don't feel safe. I feel exposed. I know what I am doing and I really need to overcome that if I want to move up in the company. It's not like I need to second guess myself every step of the way. I'm not always going to be right and that's okay. I need to bring perception in line with reality. Well basically I need to stop taking the easy way out. Take a chance and admit that I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.

Another Useless Argument

I called in sick this morning but had to get ahold of my ride to let him know I didn't need a ride. All I wanted to do is go back to bed. After all it was 8:30 in the morning and I called in sick so that I could get some sleep. I was also in the middle of a Fibromylgia flare-up so there was a great deal of pain. Steve was trying to tell me what career path to take. He seemed to think that I should apply for Tier 2 so that I could get the apple certifcation. Then I could get a job elsewhere and potentially make more money. In theory it sounds nice, especially given my current circumstance. But it is a lateral move... In the interim I would be making the same amount of money. And, in the company, I would be limiting my career advancement. So yes it might be helpful if I was planning to relocate but otherwise I am not sure how it would be a good move. I'd have to go through the training... and then would not be able to apply for anything else for 6 months. As a performance coach I have a better shot at moving up to TL or TM. In all honesty I do not like troubleshooting. My degree is in psychology not computers. I prefer the coaching and would rather be a performance coach, especially if I am making the same amount of money. While it would be nice to be Apple certified it's not the be-all and end all in my world. I'm not sure why it turned into an argument any ways. Can't I decide what to do with my life? I have been working towards a team leader (if I relocate) or a team manager (if I stay here) position. It seems like that decision would be a step backwards. Not only should it be my choice and that decision should be final... but it's also not a discussion I want to have at 8:30 in the morning.

Justified Anger

I found out today that my former team manager has applied for a position at the Niagara Falls site. That news brings with it a certain amount of anger. I'm still not sure if it's justified or not... but I feel anger nonetheless. Nothing I did was ever going to be good enough for her. I worked my ass off day in and day out and it still wasn't enough. She cost me about $2000 with the LOA and I ended up on disciplinary action. If that wasn't enough she also cost me my raise and the possibility of a promotion. There was something satisfying about the fact she was an acting team manager until Diane comes back from maternity leave. I do not believe that she has earned the position. Chris will step on anyone to get what she wants. So the thought of her having a permanent position brings with it some unresolved anger issues. Not to mention the fact I was considering a position there when posted again... and Pat got a position there. I would really have to give it some thought if she was going to be the manager over me. I don't respect her and would have trouble with round 2.

I suspect that one way or another she will weasel her way in and will be around for a long time to come. Either she will head off to Niagara or a position will open up here and she will be given a permanent position. After all, Heather is also applying for a position there. So if she goes then a position would likely become available here. I pity anyone that works under Chris, I really do. I've been there... I know what the results are.

What I really don't understand is why they still think she is such a golden child. She is trying to turn it into a police state. None (or very few) of the PCs respect her. And when your subordinates don't respect you that's not a good sign. She showed her ineptitude with my LOA. How did it get to the point where I was considered a threat to myself or to others? Should it not have been dealt with sooner? I learned first hand that what your superior says goes and there is nothing you can do (or very little). Christie has said it's a night and day difference from what is in my file. That, to me at least, begs the question... Am I really that different now? Was the LOA really necessary? Or is it because I am away from my former TM? Dave was one of the most senior PCs and she made him feel like he couldn't do anything right. She openly insulted me in front of the agents. Some of her ideas just seem to be in left field. Since I went on my LOA back in January there are only 2 people still left on the team. Now 3 of them were promoted... but still. Those numbers don't seem to be very good. So why do they think so highly of her? She is one of the worst managers I've ever had... and yet they love her. I just don't get it...

Towing the Company Line

I've been working at the same place for almost 4 years now. Throughout my stay there I have been towing the company line, to the best of my abilities any ways... and I just seem to get fucked for it. Don't get me wrong... I still enjoy my job... and I do stand behind the company. There are just certain things that have irked me for a while now...

The first one was a meeting I had with my then team leader, Mike and team manager. I actually had the manager say "I find you negative and unapproachable and I don't want to give you an interview". At the time I was applying for a promotion... There was a lot more to it then that but that was the part I still remember 2 years later. I had to spend the entire time just keeping my mouth shut. At the time I was one of the top agents, stats wise and from what I can tell he was the only one that held that opinion. I didn't say a word. Later on I did get an apology from another manager.

Then I ended up in the middle of a situation where a team leader was trying to make me paranoid and was telling me that various people were watching me... or were out to get my job. When HR did get involved in that one I spared my team leader from being involved. I took on the full weight myself and took the brunt of the negative reaction when the other team leader was fired. I was under orders not to say anything and I didn't.

And then there was the rape. The irony is that the only reason I was even there that night was an email that was sent company wide about Shaun's birthday. Mike was too drunk to show up for work and in spite of being on a last chance agreement kept his job. I come back to work and get hauled into an office with a team manager and HR. I got told we were being kept separate (which they have to do since there was a court order in place) and not to say anything. Mike and Shaun had a nice slander campaign going and, in the last year, I have said nothing... I have not defended myself... or spoke negatively about him. I even had the police calling work and showing up there looking for me. And still I said nothing, even when asked by my current team manager. When the charges were dropped work immediately allowed him free reign of the building. And while I agree with the decision to allow unrestricted access to the entrances I believe they should have gone farther. All I really got was a shrug of the shoulders and the attitude that it didn't happen here. Recently they moved him back to the same floor as me... and any time I have to go to the printer or go to use the washroom he is right there, in my line of sight. Maybe it's just me... but that seems a little insensitive. Every day when I am at work I have to relive the experience and be reminded of that night. I have not asked for anything... I have played the political game... I have said nothing. But is it really so much to ask that he at least be in a location where I will not see him repeatedly throughout the day? Apparantly it is....

I know it's affecting me more because this weekend was the one year anniversary. But I am also still in shock that he was moved so close to me and having a tough time with it. And after getting so many lectures about being negative I don't feel like I can say anything. I am still scared of potential repurcusions... so I tend to keep my mouth shut at all times. Or at least I try to. I'm much safer that way.

Enlightening Conversation

I've come to the realization that some people just don't think before they open their mouth. The other day I was having a conversation with Jason about tattoos as I was on my way out. Jennifer stood up and started waving frantically, it was like she was an air traffic controller. Some days she just reminds me of high school... and has this need to be the center of attention. So I head over to see what she wants. She wanted to say goodbye and she wanted to tell me about the newspaper article she had been reading. On the front page of the Peterborough Examiner there was an article on self-harm... or at least on a woman who self-injures. Apparently, Jennifer was disturbed by the article. Okay, I can understand the shock and the questioning that is involved when someone first hears of it. And the picture was pretty graphic. But is work really an appropriate forum for that conversation? I am a performance coach... not a therapist. And while I can draw on my psychologist background it's not something I am entirely comfortable discussing, at least not at work with someone I don't know all that well... in the middle of the floor. I don't think the thought ever crossed her mind that a) a lot of people could hear her and b) someone there might use self-injury as a coping mechanism and be put on the spot. Of course, the irony is that it was me that was put on the spot. Jason added his two cents about someone he knows that has a "cutting toolkit." I don't think that put her mind at ease at all... He also stated that most people cut their inner thigh or their bicep. I've looked into it and that's not true... The most common area is actually the forearm. It's only when it has to be more concealed that people start cutting elsewhere. And the inner thigh is more of a suicide attempt because of the vein. But at least he deflected the attention off me. I was feeling pretty self conscious. I was wearing a tank top and I can see the scars on my arm. Plus there were the inevitable questions... "How can someone do that?" So they were both discussing abuse... molestation... etc. And of course that gets me thinking about my own life... the reasons for the self-injury... and it brings back the memories of the abuse and the sexual assault. Then Jennifer asked "How messed up do you have to be to do that?" Obviously that is a value statement. And it shows the stigma that is involved. Someone could numb themselves with drugs, alcohol or sex and we wouldn't ask that question. And while she may not have meant to... that question is directed right at me. I take on the psychologist role and come back to ways people cope and how it was their decision... and how she shouldn't feel bad about it. I don't think she was convinced though... And then she said "What if I end up doing that?" What exactly am I supposed to say to that? Of course I said it wasn't likely... but what can I say to that? That conversation was from Thursday and I am still thinking about it. I had to be careful about what I said since I didn't want to "out" myself. I was not comfortable with the conversation but how do you stop it without running the risk of saying too much? I don't believe work was the place for that conversation. I just wish that people would think before they speak as well.

My Own Private Hell

Why is it that when it rains it just pours in my life.... I swear to god someone is out to get me.... Nothing ever runs smoothly for any length of time. Just when I think things are going well the rug gets pulled out from under me. And then somehow it becomes my own private hell with no way out.

Where do I begin on that one??? I am really trying to stay positive but it's becoming increasingly hard... I think it all started with the news that I wasn't being put forward for an interview for the team leader position. 5 months after my return they still didn't think I was up for the position. What more do I have to do? It's hard not to be really discouraged by that for many reasons. For one... my mom had gone on a long speech that I wasn't good enough. Looks like work, or at least certain people there, agreed. Plus, to a certain degree, my former TL had something to do with it. All I can do now is keep working hard and continue to prove myself.

Then there was my annual review. I was really stressed about that... and I'm not sure the stress ever really went away. I knew she was going to have a lot of negative things to say. Some of them true... but not all of them. It's hard to sit in a room and be reminded of what they thought. I know she tried to focus on the positive changes... but that isn't what I'm going to remember. And, of course, I didn't get my raise.

The same day I was listening to an agent looking for trends... somehow that turned into a 2.5 hour coaching session. Really wasn't what I was planning for the day. I missed my chiropractor appointment and it became a 12 hour day.

I may have had a three day weekend but this entire week I hven't been sleeping all that well and feel like I am fighting everything when I do get up. Makes it difficult to deal with customers and with agents. I've had a tough time getting Aces done as well which makes it worse. One more day to go... Now if I could just get some rest.

Financially it has also been rough... which always stresses me out. Goddamn student loans... It's probably the stress from being this broke... and not even knowing the status of my interest relief application that is making me cranky. It's hard to relax when you have absolutely no money... are late on bills... and know that the student loan center could just yank the money out as well. I have to call tomorrow and find out what they want.

Just when I thought it couldn't get worse... the police show up... basically just to remind me the charges were dropped. There was no such thing as justice. And thanks for the fucking reminder. Like I really needed it. Since the excuse they gave me was that there was a lack of witnesses I'd like to know what the hell they wanted... an accomplice to be videotaping the encounter? Last time I checked the legal definition of rape included intoxication and/or being unconscious. You couldn't give consent... But apparently that is meaningless. It's all pointless. It was an exercise in futility... he won... I lost... He gets his freedom and I get a lifetime of memories and pain.

This really has become my own private hell... Is there any way to make it stop? Why is it that I never get any peace? It doesn't seem to matter what I do there is no rest... all I see is chaos... and pain. A life of pain is no life at all... Somehow that is all it ever seems to be. Is there a point to existence? What did I do in a past life to deserve this??? Sleep... about the only time I feel nothing. Sleep... glorious sleep...

Fucked Up

I think that is a good description for how I feel these days. I'm really not sleeping at the moment so I feel pretty exhausted. I can't seem to just let go and relax. I'm starting to think I might need to head off to the bar one night just to unwind. I never thought I'd hear myself say that. But I gotta find something that takes my mind off things.

First there was my health. There was the concern that my bone marrow was not producing blood cells. That's definitely scary... and I had to prepare myself for just about anything. My platelet count is back up and the doctor does not feel my white blood cell count is low enough to be concerned with. I still have no idea why I am fatigued all the time... but at least it's not my blood cell count.

Work is also taking a lot out of me at the moment. It's the first week of a new month. Pat was off 2 days for training. we were all off for one day with the US holiday. So that means a lot more work the other days. On top of that Dave is on vacation so we had to make up his aces as well. Then the other Dave hurt his back again so I feel like I should help their team as well... even though I already feel stretched to the limit. I didn't even have time to do the trends analysis today. Plus I didn't really take a lunch and completely skipped my last break. But breaks have pretty well been non-existent since I quit smoking. I'm almost tempted to go back to it just so I can actually have a break. But that's not a good enough reason.

Probably the bigest reason for me feeling fucked up is the fight I had with mom. Suzanne was telling me to just not argue and let her win. It's not in me to do. And if someone can make me cry in 10 minutes that's not a good thing. But that fight also made me face the past head on... something I had been trying to avoid. There's a great deal of emotions at the moment. Overall, I just feel this overwhelming sense of loss and pain. I don't know how I am supposed to be feeling. 20 years of repressed emotion is a lot to try and deal with. I'm definitely feeling pulled in different directions. There is still the family loyalty.... but also the betrayal. The pain that this led to bad choices and even more pain... since it's not just the family dynamic that was affected but also my coping mechanisms and the situations I put myself into. The skeletons I try to avoid and have the closet door locked... Just the thought of some of those decisions and the things I did to be numb quickly bring me to tears right now. I keep being reminded of the line in the song "Scars" by Papa Roach: "My scars remind me that the past is real." I could really do without some of those scars though.

I should be ecstatic about the blood tests but I just feel empty... hurt... wounded. Maybe it's because I was avoiding it for so long and you really can't avoid it forever. I would give anything to be numb again... not to feel anything at all. Maybe that is why I gave myself permission to use the self-injury if necessary. I am trying not to... but I also know what a toll this is taking on me. I'm not used to feeling anything and these feelings are overwhelming. I don't know what to do and how to get past it. I want to completely withdraw and not talk to anyone. I don't want them to see how much I hurt and see the pain in my eyes. I'm supposed to be strong... able to get past anything.... show no emotion.... and now it's a war. An internal battle and I can't find a way to stop the emotion. I may have a degree in psychology that doesn't mean I know how to deal with abuse and get past it.

Hanging in There

I am still hanging in there.... pretty tired at the moment. I'm not sure if that is from the 6 day stretch at work, being on day shifts, stress, or from not being able to sleep. Probably each one is contributing to that. I get home from work and am just so fatigued... I curl up on the couch until just before I have to go to bed. Being this tired it should be easy to pass out and actually get sleep... but no. I can't seem to shut my brain off. Then I barely get up with enough time to get to work.

I wouldn't say I am really going through mood swings but I do feel somewhat overwhelmed at the moment. I feel like I am getting pulled in every direction. Struggling to get things done at work... facing the fact I have to help another team for the first week next week and wondering how we're going to accomplish that without really making things difficult. Especially since I'll be on vacation later on in the month.

On top of that I have the doctors appointment this week... that means that at some point I am going to have to have the bone marrow biopsy done. That will be three days off work. Hopefully 2 of those days will be my weekend but I have no idea. They will just be giving me a date and a time to be there. It's also likely in Scarbrough.

In terms of the emotions there is definitely a mix and sometimes it's hard to control them... more so when I am at home. Probably because when I am at work I can keep myself busy and not think about it. It shows occasionally with me getting a bit stressed out. There is certainly anger there. Haven't I been through enough shit? There is also bitterness... since this is one more thing in a long life of pain. And, of course, there is also fear and uncertainty. the last month has been a waiting game. And I still have no idea how serious it is... and if I should be concerned right now. I also feel pretty isolated right now.

So I'm hanging in there right now... but I can definitely say it sucks at the moment.

Some People

So the road back to work has had mixed reactions. Now most people have been supportive of me returning to work and have been pretty encouraging. Of course a lot of people still ask me why I was off but it is becoming more routine. I'm also on a new team so it is like new beginnings.

Val will always be Val. Some things never change. She talks a lot about how glad she is I am back because she didn't like not being able to answer questions. Surprise surprise... it's not that I am back it's all about her. We won't even mention that she is part of the reason I was off work in the first place. Now she is just trying to play the political game. I prefer honesty to politics. But I am now across the call center from her so I can hide a little better. I don't have to talk to her at all. I am happy about that. She said she feels like she is being watched, and has been since I left work. With her little plea for an intervention it wouldn't really shock me if they are monitoring her. She also said that they were watching me on my return. I guess they weren't watching me all that closely. During my SPT time I took a few extra breaks. Once I was back on the phones I didn't do that. But I was in the back corner... kinda hard to watch me there. I don't need paranoia. Matt tried the same stunt with me and it backfired for him.

And then there is Steve. He still grates on my nerves something fierce. Now that I have given notice they can show my apartment as long as they give me notice. I am ashamed at his bedroom. Hell it was the main reason I didn't go looking for a roommate. Yes I keep the apartment pretty neat but that doesn't mean I am obsessive compuslive and demand that the apartment be spotless. I can tolerate some mess... but it looks like a storage unit. It's embarassing.

His attitides are somewhat entertaining. He's a self proclaimed "cheap bastard" and an "asshole." When you shop most at the dollar store and value village then yes I would have to say you're cheap. But when you stock up on useless shit just because you never know... then it's kind of pointless. He'll hear something that sounds like it might be a good deal and just have to pick it up. So now he's paying for three storage units and wonders why he never has any money. Hmm... get rid of some of that stuff and save up for what you really want. Just my thought any ways.

Apparently the building manger left a note on his van indicating he should call her. My guess is that it's about him volunteering to help clear out the storage units here and dispose of it... or it's about the one bedroom that is coming available. But his automatic reaction was to think they want him to become a superintendent. I think he has a bit of an ego there. Are they really going to ask someone to take over the position out of the blue? Especially when that person has indicated that they are moving out of the building. Wild guess but I am willing to bet that isn't why she wanted him to call.

Either way I am looking forward to a place on my own... away from him. And now I am away from Val as well... so things really are looking up.

Adding Fuel to the Fire

With me being off work Steve has left me alone a lot more... But he is still getting on my nerves. SS really does love adding fuel to the fire. He seems to want me to be constantly frustrated and angry. He knows all the buttons to push too so I fall into the trap. But if I go back angry and frustrated then I'll be right where I started from. The best thing I can do is make the most of my time off... rest... relax... work on Chaord Studios... maybe even go out to BC for a vacation. That way when I do come back I'll be in the right mindframe. I'm still battling the fatigue and some rest would definitely be nice.

Steve seems to see the whole thing as a malicious conspiracy from work. I don't think it was intended to be that way. My frustration really started with the doctor and the fact he doesn't believe fibromyalgia is real. That meant that I didn't necessary get the treatment I needed. So yeah that has been frustrating. It has really been the medical treatment that has been aggravating. At this point I am considering travelling out of town to see a doctor and get a referral to a specialist. I just want to beat the fatigue and return to work.

I made a bad decision that started the whole thing. I took a knife to work and gave it to someone so I wouldn't be tempted to use it. It was a bad judgement call. I will admit that. So I'm the one that started this chain of events.

Steve seems to like encouraging me to cut in response to my frustration... and the fact this is what started it all. It's definitely not what I need at the moment. I've made it to 9 months and want to continue that trend. I don't want to go back to it. And I really don't need him talking about it all the time... or being reminded when I get in the van. It's like an addiction and not one I want to go back to.

I guess I need to stop listening to Steve if I want to relax. Otherwise it's just going to be a tough LOA and just make me more frustrated. Time for me to go with selective hearing. I should be used to that.

Grab Bag of Emotions

I'm not sure how I should be feeling at the moment. I'm still trying to see this as a positive thing... that Chris did it for me. It is giving me time off to get some rest and do some work for Chaord Studios. If I'm ever going to do anything with it now would be the time. I've been doing some work on some new UFC DVDs. It will also be a good chance to do some web site design. So that is a good thing.

But it's also extremely frustrating. I feel like I am getting fucked, without a kiss to go with it. My parents can't even force me to get treatment so why is work able to? They refuse to allow me to go back to work. I've said all along that all I needed was sleep and they finally agreed. But in the last 3 weeks I have seen 3 doctors, the crisis nurse twice, and 2 psychiatrists. No one has indicated that I am a threat to myself or to anyone else... so what is the problem? I feel like my hands are tied and there is nothing I can do about it. It's pretty frustrating.

Off and on there are also flashes of anger. I'm angry about the way I've been treated... forced off work... forced onto treatment... not allowed to return. I might as well have gone through with the self-injury since that is where it started.

Lastly, there is also discouragement. I feel like I am fighting a losing battle. No one seems to be listening. The doctor told me that the "Fibromyalgia is a symptom of an underlying psychiatric condition." Then another doctor told me that I would never be treated for fibromyalgia in this town. With the increase in pain recently and the lack of sleep it's a little discouraging knowing that I won't be able to get treatment for a legitimate medical disorder and instead being told it's all psychiatric.

Of course all of this goes on my record at work, along with the two verbal warnings... so it does seem to be an uphill battle. One I am currently losing. While I am trying to remain positive about the whole thing there are also a lot of negatives.

Medication

The hardest part about being off work for this long is that, as it stands now, when I go back to work nothing would have changed. I am still battling the sleep... and the pain. After the medication put my health in jeopardy I have also not been taking anything. I shouldn't admit to that since me returning to work is largely dependant on me being medicated. Mind you it's sad that they insist I be medicated so I can do my job. What does that say about work? What do I really need? I need someone to treat the lack of restorative sleep... maybe even pain management. Something like amitriptyline is a mild anti-depressant and would treat the symptoms of depression and the issues with sleep. Now that would be nice... apparantly it's just a dream... but any ways. Maybe I should go back to the hospital and get my medication switched. But I really don't feel like spending another 3 hours there and can't afford the cab ride at the moment. The risk assessment nurse should be calling to let me know when my appointment is and I may ask her opinion... since I am currently unmedicated. Gotta continue to play the game..

Conflicted

The last week and a half have brought with it a wide range of feelings... from anger to discouragement. Anger because I am still being penalized for a recognized disability and for my honesty... discouragement because I am still not finding any answers or any hope. I'll be returning to work (eventually) still struggling with the Fibromyalgia and won't be any better off then. I am also discouraged because there is still no word when I'll be returning to work and had to use my sick days and will now be forced to fight for disability that will only cover 60% of my wages. So now I feel like I am being discriminated because of the Fibro. Yes there is also the self-injury aspect of it but I was not a threat to myself or to anyone else. If I was the doctor had an opportunity to keep me under observation, and so did the psychiatrist. They did not... but the doctor felt my performance would not improve until on anti-depressants. I agree with the statemen that I needed treatment for things to improve but I do not agree with the course of action. I needed the Fibro and the sleep issues to be treated. The doctor even made a statement that "Fibromyalgia" is typically a symptom of a psychiatric disorder." So I've been marginalized by the medical profession.

The frustration continues. I went to the walk-in clinic for a referral to a rheumatologist so that it would be treated. I was then told that no rheumatologist in Peterborough will treat Fibro patients. That is frustrating and discouraging to me. It's an uphill battle. I don't have a family doctor to treat it. I also don't drive so it's difficult to go elsewhere to get the proper treatment. At least when I was in London I was getting physical therapy and seeing a rheumatologist about it. For now there doesn't seem to be any hope in treatment.

I also feel conflicted. I want to believe that Chris was acting on my own interests and was concerned about me. But I am struggling with that. Even after I got a second opinion she questioned whether there was an issue with depression as well as the Fibro. Try dealing with a severe lack of sleep and the Fibro and tell me how happy you are. The main reason for me questioning it is the fact I've been off work for a week-and-a-half now, am not making full wages, and the doctor they sent me to does not believe Fibro is a legitimate disorder. This is compounded by the fact the medical treatment that was precsribed put my health into jeopardy, as well as my mental health. You can't put a price on health. I wouldn't wish the time off on anyone. No one should have to go through what I have had to. So now I feel conflicted about it. She was the catalyst that started the chain of events. In her defense I don't think she wanted this to happen or for it to go this way but I can't help but question whether or not she really did have my best interests in mind.

At the moment I am also considering my options. It has cost me a lot, emotionally and financially. I have not been able to find any justification for work forcing me to take time off, especially not an extended period of time. A fitness-to-work test might have been justified if the performance at work was to the point of costing me my job. But I had only received 2 verbal warnings and it had not reached the point of a written warning. For the one warning I met my sales quota for the month right after. And as for the tone I was never even given a chance to explain why I thought it might be an issue, or to look for ways to change it. I offered to mentor with another performance coach to work on it. As far as being a potential threat to myself or to others I have been cleared by both the doctor and the psychiatrist. So why am I not back at work?

Verbal Warning

Well this time it wasn't me that got the verbal warning... it was Val. Have I mentioned yet that my life is a soap opera? I made a bad decision involving Dawn in my own personal issues and I regret that. I really didn't mean to put her in that place as I've said before. Initially when I pulled the knife out at work it was actually a bad joke but she knew why I had it there... Well actually I had it because I forgot to take it out of my pants pocket. I wouldn't use it at work and didn't mean to have it on me. But any ways... that was still a really bad decision on my part. So then when I gave up the knife Val went to her about it and seemed to think I needed an intervention. But she really crossed the line. Dawn was on a call and made it clear that she didn't want to talk about it. I never should've involved Dawn... and Val should've left it alone. So Val got a verbal warning over it and was told not to come visit me... which is fine by me. Now she is trying to say that she only did it in case Dawn needed someone to talk to... and that she apologized for it. Yes she apologized for it, but not because she meant it... because she knew she was in the wrong and never should've gone to her in the first place. But as far as her motivations go, that wasn't it at all. She wanted someone to share her concerns and wanted someone to intervene. She's lying to herself if she thinks otherwise. The drama continues...

Tough Times

I'm really starting to hate karma... whatever happened to good times? Haven't seen too many of those in a long time. And after my post, "Denial" the comment was that depression would be understandable. Then after "Fibromyalgia & Depression" the comment was that if I am not depressed then it must be Seasonal Affective Disorder. How about we follow what I said in "Labels" and just not label it. Call it what it is... a rough period. We all have bad times.

Don't put me in a box and call it depression. Then I'm just going to see everything through those eyes and take on that persona. I don't need medication... therapy maybe... but I don't want the label, 'cuz that's all it is.

I've never been the happy-go-lucky person. It's not who I am. But how chipper would you be with all the shit I've gone through in the last year? My relationship with Adam ended and I spent the next three months in constant fear for my life. Looking back I'm not sure how much of that was justified and how much was someone else's paranoia. That's really draining. And the hits continued throughout the year. According to the rumours at work I can get someone fired. Then I ended up being part of a criminal case and the rumours at work continued. I had my bank account cleaned out. After that my second relationship ended because of deception. Tristan and I didn't get back together because of the stalker. And that situation has been intensifying over the last few months to the point where I barely leave the house. If you had gone through that in a year how happy would you be? If that wasn't enough there has been a cognitive deterioration... some days I feel like I have Alzheimers. For someone that relies on intellect and reason the thought of losing those abilities is terrifying.

Maybe it is depression... maybe it's seasonal affective disorder... or maybe I am just having a tough time where nothing has gone right. Imagine that. I need better ways to cope... I don't deny that. I tend to keep it inside until I can't any more. But I don't believe adding the label of depression will make it any better.

TGIF

I am extremely happy that it is Friday... thinking I should go offline and just hide for the remainder of the weekend. Might even relax if I did that. Been a rough week so far. Still not as bad as the beginning of 2005 though.

Ongoing issues with the roommate. I really need to find a new one, and fast. While I don't think I can get him out of my life permanently it would still help. At least then I wouldn't have to see him nearly as much. Have I mentioned how much I hate small talk? Looks like he hasn't got that message. Silence is valuable. I don't want you to talk just for the sake of talking. With most people it wouldn't bother me but he irks me more and more every day.

My sister was also in the hospital three times. So that has added some stress to my life, especially since they aren't really sure what's going on and why she is in so much pain. At this point they think it's an ulcer... caused by bacteria eating through the lining of the stomach. But it's a waiting game now, until they know more.

At work I got 2 verbal warnings within 2 days. Something I had managed to avoid for three years. The first one was for sales... or lack of. It's always been my weak point. The second one was for my tone. I admit it was a bad call. And it is something I struggle with. To a certain degree I think it's related to hearing "US desktop" when I answer the phone. I actually dread going on the phones for that reason... especially since they have increased the amount of time I am on the phones. It is a mental block for me. I worked hard to get away from that... going to portables and then Canada/Legacy and now am back where I started. Guess I am going to have to find some way to overcome that and have no idea how to. So it has me feeling a little discouraged at the moment. If that wasn't enough, I also found out that I didn't meet my mandate last month because of a scheduling conflict with one of my agents. I came in early twice to do the ace and was unable to complete it.

Needless to say this week has not been so great for me. I was really tempted to go back to the cutting. Then at least I'd feel nothing at all. That would be better then this uneasy, restless feeling I currently have. I knew better so I gave the knife away. I knew if I didn't I would end up using it. Then I made the mistake of telling Val who had it since she was concerned I might go back to it. I didn't think she would go to that person and try and start an intervention. Do I look like I need an intervention? A stiff drink maybe.. but not an intervention. I got rid of the knife so that I didn't use it. Isn't that good enough? I guess not. Now it's just become a drama. And made me realize, for the last time, that Val cannot be trusted and has no concept of the word confidentiality. I also ended up putting the other person into the middle of it and that wasn't fair to her. I really didn't want that to happen and had hoped that if Val was concerned about me that she would come to me, not go to someone else.

So let's do a quick summary of the week:

Work: Questionable
Friends: Lost one
Family: Sister has ongoing medical issues
Home: Still have the stalker/roommate with no end in sight

Yep it has been a great week. I did finally get some needed sleep today. It was pretty much the high point for me. Overall I am doing better now. I have a couple of days to rest and Steve is back at work so I won't see him quite as much as I had been. I just needed some time off to clear my head and relax. Been crazy with the holidays. Seeing my family always takes a toll on me. So does the Christmas season and I didn't feel like I had much time off around then. In spite of everything I am feeling a lot more positive now. All I need now is to find a roommate... then things will really be looking up. And figure out how to get over the mental block at work. But things could be worse. I could be repeating 2005... or I could be unemployed.... homeless... etc.

"No day but today" (Rent)