I always hate it when someone challenges me. I do so well at hiding and just trying to fit in, not be noticed. I've become so adept at being a ghost that I sometimes forget who I really am. I don't trust people very often. Except online I don't talk about myself. I don't want to expose myself and risk getting hurt. But every once in a while someone will challenge me and in doing so strip away the defenses. That's not a bad thing since I don't seem to listen to myself. *lol*
As part of the Blogger Carnival there was a post called "Humiliating Others - Deliberate Abuse that Cuts Deep." Ever since I read it on Monday I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. It really spoke to me. I highly recommend that you read it. One of the most important statements was, "And there I sit, looking at these beautiful, intelligent, sensitive people who think they're garbage. It kills me." It's amazing how much one, small statement can have such a profound impact.
In the comments Linda went on to say, "But you and I both know that what we're talking about here totally affects everything. That less-than feeling is like a lens, but instead of helping you see clearly, perverts your vision.
I'm going to write an entire answer to your comment in a post. I agree, acceptance is a big part of it, accepting you, accepting her, then throwing away a bad script."
I've become so entrained in thinking poorly of myself and using negative talk to keep my self-esteem low. It has a lasting effect. Linda's right, it is a lens. It is a lens that is used to continue on with the pain of the past. It also means that my parents still have control over me.
Linda's post has really challenged me to look at the lens through which I am looking at life. My beliefs about myself. I'm not worthless. I have value. I am intelligent. I still have trouble believing that I am beautiful but that's a whole other story. After being challenged to re-evaluate my beliefts about myself I came to the conclusion that here and now the lies stop. :o)
Showing posts with label lies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lies. Show all posts
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Truth & Consequences
We all lie... or withhold the truth. It's part of human nature. Some days I think we are driven by secrets and lies. But those lies can have serious consequences.. especially if you don't know they are lies. Just take a look at my family.
You have to be thin to be desirable. This one was actually an unwritten rule... but just as damaging. My sister couldn't live up to that expectation and was ridiculed as a result. I had an eating disorder for a decade to compensate but I never felt any better.
You're a slut. This one was one of the many insults my mother actually used. One of the biggest issues with this statement is that there is no point in being anything else. It really is self-defeating. If someone sees you as something you either fight it or give in to it. Told something long enough you end up giving in to it. That is what I became. I had a whole variety of reasons: to get over the sexual assault... to be numb... and because I'd been told it my entire life.
You're a bitch. As a kid how do you respond to that?
You're worthless. It's another self-destructive lie. But you spend your entire life trying to attain the unattainable. You believe that somehow you have to be good enough... to earn your worth. But it's a fallacy because you can never reach that, no matter what you do. The definition of wortless is "no worth or value." It's one of the most damaging lies. There is no escape and it becomes engrained in your head. Now I spend way too much time and energy trying to get their approval... and it will never happen.
You'll never amount to anything. The other damaging lie. When you are 13 years old and that gets beat into your head how do you combat it? I became a perfectionist.... I was always trying to prove them wrong. I had to succeed. I graduated from university to prove to them I could do it. But I still see myself as a failure.
These lies stay with you. When told by a parent, or someone we trust, we believe them. In turn these lies become our reality. I don't see myself as having value just for being me... I always feel like I have to prove myself. I have to earn my worth. No kid should ever have to go through that.
You have to be thin to be desirable. This one was actually an unwritten rule... but just as damaging. My sister couldn't live up to that expectation and was ridiculed as a result. I had an eating disorder for a decade to compensate but I never felt any better.
You're a slut. This one was one of the many insults my mother actually used. One of the biggest issues with this statement is that there is no point in being anything else. It really is self-defeating. If someone sees you as something you either fight it or give in to it. Told something long enough you end up giving in to it. That is what I became. I had a whole variety of reasons: to get over the sexual assault... to be numb... and because I'd been told it my entire life.
You're a bitch. As a kid how do you respond to that?
You're worthless. It's another self-destructive lie. But you spend your entire life trying to attain the unattainable. You believe that somehow you have to be good enough... to earn your worth. But it's a fallacy because you can never reach that, no matter what you do. The definition of wortless is "no worth or value." It's one of the most damaging lies. There is no escape and it becomes engrained in your head. Now I spend way too much time and energy trying to get their approval... and it will never happen.
You'll never amount to anything. The other damaging lie. When you are 13 years old and that gets beat into your head how do you combat it? I became a perfectionist.... I was always trying to prove them wrong. I had to succeed. I graduated from university to prove to them I could do it. But I still see myself as a failure.
These lies stay with you. When told by a parent, or someone we trust, we believe them. In turn these lies become our reality. I don't see myself as having value just for being me... I always feel like I have to prove myself. I have to earn my worth. No kid should ever have to go through that.
Sunday, January 01, 2006
The Year of Lies & Deception
I think if I had to sum up 2005 in a few words it would be lies & deception. There has been a lot of that in the past year. Take my relationship with Tristan. Looking back I wonder if there was any truth in there at all. Then there was the way it ended... on MSN... with me finding out the truth about who he really was. I suppose you could argue there are lies and then there is withholding the truth. But that is where deception comes into play.
One person calls themself a good friend and lies to my face. They try and keep me paranoid. I touched on that a few times now. See, "Survivor in the Real World" and "Gripes from Work" I've had more then enough of the rumour mill at work. When my relationship with Adam ended Val was there as the comforting friend... there when I needed someone. So now, she uses that against me, subconsciously. I still remember when I became a performance coach. It was getting close to the end of the three months and I did not have a team. She said, "They gave you the position to take it away again." It's definitely not the first time she has made dispariging comments and tries to keep me doubting myself. Misery loves company. I don't even think she realizes that she does it but she continuously makes negative comments. Most times I don't really think about it because I am so used to it from family. It's like I expect it.
I am my own worst enemy. I don't need someone else to do it for me. Take my aces for Decemeber, as an example. My mandate was 32 I think. I ended up doing 41 by the end of the month. But I was not able to complete one because of a schedule conflict. I came in early twice to do it but was still not able to. Me being me, I feel like I let my manager down because I didn't get that one ace done. I tried my best... but from myself I expect nothing less then perfection. being second best isn't good enough, probably because I always feel like I have something to prove. I've spent my entire life proving people wrong.
I know I doubt myself and my own abilities. I will admit to that. In 2005 other people really seemed to want to help me with that, but not in a good way. It really sucks when people that you look up to lie to you and try and make you look over your shoulder. At one point another person I had called a friend kept telling me to watch my back and seemed to think my team leader was out to get me. Good thing Chris has always been honest with me. When she is disappointed in me I know about it. And yes that does happen. I'm human. I fuck up. 6 months later I am still there.
But if I was always watching my back and looking over my shoulder it would become a self fulfilling prophecy. That takes a lot of time and energy. And since it involved my team leader would have also led to conflict as well.
Why can't people just hold to the adage that "If you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all." Or at least stop with the lies. Of course, I need to develop a backbone and stand up to Val. She's only hurting me in the long run... the more I listen to it. 2006 is about change. It's about being true to myself and not compromising who I am.
Heather
One person calls themself a good friend and lies to my face. They try and keep me paranoid. I touched on that a few times now. See, "Survivor in the Real World" and "Gripes from Work" I've had more then enough of the rumour mill at work. When my relationship with Adam ended Val was there as the comforting friend... there when I needed someone. So now, she uses that against me, subconsciously. I still remember when I became a performance coach. It was getting close to the end of the three months and I did not have a team. She said, "They gave you the position to take it away again." It's definitely not the first time she has made dispariging comments and tries to keep me doubting myself. Misery loves company. I don't even think she realizes that she does it but she continuously makes negative comments. Most times I don't really think about it because I am so used to it from family. It's like I expect it.
I am my own worst enemy. I don't need someone else to do it for me. Take my aces for Decemeber, as an example. My mandate was 32 I think. I ended up doing 41 by the end of the month. But I was not able to complete one because of a schedule conflict. I came in early twice to do it but was still not able to. Me being me, I feel like I let my manager down because I didn't get that one ace done. I tried my best... but from myself I expect nothing less then perfection. being second best isn't good enough, probably because I always feel like I have something to prove. I've spent my entire life proving people wrong.
I know I doubt myself and my own abilities. I will admit to that. In 2005 other people really seemed to want to help me with that, but not in a good way. It really sucks when people that you look up to lie to you and try and make you look over your shoulder. At one point another person I had called a friend kept telling me to watch my back and seemed to think my team leader was out to get me. Good thing Chris has always been honest with me. When she is disappointed in me I know about it. And yes that does happen. I'm human. I fuck up. 6 months later I am still there.
But if I was always watching my back and looking over my shoulder it would become a self fulfilling prophecy. That takes a lot of time and energy. And since it involved my team leader would have also led to conflict as well.
Why can't people just hold to the adage that "If you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all." Or at least stop with the lies. Of course, I need to develop a backbone and stand up to Val. She's only hurting me in the long run... the more I listen to it. 2006 is about change. It's about being true to myself and not compromising who I am.
Heather
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