Head vs Heart

Healing from the legacy of abuse is an ongoing process... One day at a time really. For far too long I have done little more then acknowledge it. But knowledge does not always imply truly accepting it. I really didn't want to accept the implications... that I was a victim... that it never should've happened... that my parents failed at the one thing they are supposed to do: protect their children. Okay so there are more responsibilities... but safety and security really is the foundation. I'm sure there was an element of denial in there. Well I know there was since my parents have always denied it... So that just fuels the denial from within.

It's also about cognitive dissonance. In a nutshell you can't have two contradictory thoughts. Well you can... but you strive to reduce (or even eliminate) the dissonance. We need unity and for our world to make sense. As a kid we have all these images of our parents and most of us put them on a pedestal. At the very least we don't expect them to be a monster. So, in our minds (I suppose I really shouldn't generalize here) we turn to other defense mechanisms like denial or blaming ourselves. It's about survival. You do what you have to... And often times it's easy to blame yourself... You must have deserved it. So even now I struggle to make the pieces of that puzzle fit and accept these contradictory images of who my parents really were.

I think the word of the day is acceptance. I have to be able to accept their flaws and really, truly accept the truth... not just pay lip service to it. I have had the thought before that it's like there is a separation between head and heart. My head (intellect) can admit that I grew up in a household with abuse and neglect but my heart (emotion) is still struggling to accept that. It's a work in progress.

So right now (well perhaps not at this exact moment) I am working on allowing myself to completely feel it... That sense of loss... and the pain... work through it... Come out the other side. And basically just make it so that intellect and emotion are in line.

The Aftermath

Being broken brings with it a flood of emotions. For years I have worked on being numb, feeling nothing. I felt I needed to be strong to survive and that meant blocking out emotion. Emotion equalled weakness. But that was only in myself... I didn't hold the same standards for other people. That was part of the reason I turned to cutting. As weird as it sounds it actually numbs you. Physical pain I could handle... emotional pain was overwhelming. I still feel like people expect me to be the picture of strength and never show emotion. But that is unrealistic. And I am learning that being numb is not the same as being strong. I had a good reason to be numb... It was about self preservation. I was protecting myself from the instbility of home life. But I am no longer in that situation... well okay part of me is still working on releasing those chains and being free... I don't need to be numb now. I do have a great deal of inner strength.... I can make it through a great deal and keep going. I was worried that if I felt anything then I would suddenly feel everything and be overwhelmed. I was scared I might go back to the self-injury to deal with it. But that was more of a crutch... an excuse not to allow myself to feel. Not to say I don't feel a little overwhelmed right now and it's not a comfortable place for me to be. But that's okay. I can feel the emotion without self destructing. Showing emotion does not make me weak. In fact, it's a healthy response.

Steinbeck had a great quote, "The greater tumor a child can have is that he is not loved, and rejection is the hell he fears." There was no such thing as consistency in my family life. Even love was conditional. I always felt like I had to prove myself in order to be accepted. Even in friendships I tend to think there are conditions... "They'll only be my friend if..." Some friendships tend to be just as chaotic as my family was as a result.... because I still believe that it's conditional. It's not even give and take. Most of my friendships seem to end up being all about them... and I just accept it. Pat has commented a couple of times about being there... as someone to talk to. I'm always looking for the catch and wondering what the conditions are.

It's almost as though a tornado has gone through and now it's time for the aftermath. Only that tornado is life. Picking up the pieces of a shattered life. Both of these are going to be extremely difficult. It involves changing some major aspects of my life and restructuring entire belief systems. But this is why healing is a process and not an event.