Being broken brings with it a flood of emotions. For years I have worked on being numb, feeling nothing. I felt I needed to be strong to survive and that meant blocking out emotion. Emotion equalled weakness. But that was only in myself... I didn't hold the same standards for other people. That was part of the reason I turned to cutting. As weird as it sounds it actually numbs you. Physical pain I could handle... emotional pain was overwhelming. I still feel like people expect me to be the picture of strength and never show emotion. But that is unrealistic. And I am learning that being numb is not the same as being strong. I had a good reason to be numb... It was about self preservation. I was protecting myself from the instbility of home life. But I am no longer in that situation... well okay part of me is still working on releasing those chains and being free... I don't need to be numb now. I do have a great deal of inner strength.... I can make it through a great deal and keep going. I was worried that if I felt anything then I would suddenly feel everything and be overwhelmed. I was scared I might go back to the self-injury to deal with it. But that was more of a crutch... an excuse not to allow myself to feel. Not to say I don't feel a little overwhelmed right now and it's not a comfortable place for me to be. But that's okay. I can feel the emotion without self destructing. Showing emotion does not make me weak. In fact, it's a healthy response.
Steinbeck had a great quote, "The greater tumor a child can have is that he is not loved, and rejection is the hell he fears." There was no such thing as consistency in my family life. Even love was conditional. I always felt like I had to prove myself in order to be accepted. Even in friendships I tend to think there are conditions... "They'll only be my friend if..." Some friendships tend to be just as chaotic as my family was as a result.... because I still believe that it's conditional. It's not even give and take. Most of my friendships seem to end up being all about them... and I just accept it. Pat has commented a couple of times about being there... as someone to talk to. I'm always looking for the catch and wondering what the conditions are.
It's almost as though a tornado has gone through and now it's time for the aftermath. Only that tornado is life. Picking up the pieces of a shattered life. Both of these are going to be extremely difficult. It involves changing some major aspects of my life and restructuring entire belief systems. But this is why healing is a process and not an event.
Showing posts with label quotes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label quotes. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
The Recovery Process
I needed the vacation not only to relax but also to start the process of healing... For so long I thought that by acknowledging the abuse it was good enough. That was all I needed... And while there is freedom in reconizing it that alone does not bring with it healing.
As I write this I do feel a profound sense of loss. In many ways I am still just a child. I may be 27 years old but a part of me is trapped... a prisoner to the past. No family is perfect but most people grow up in a world of safety. To a child parents are godlike. We deify them. Whatever they say must be true. This has important ramifications when parents are abusive.
When someone we love dies we know that grief is a common response and that it is okay.. that it is a necessary step. When it comes to abuse it is still a topic that people don't want to talk about. Even in psychology we talk about the symptoms of abuse and how devastating it is for the victim but there are no real guidelines on how you should feel... and how you get past it.
How should I feel? Your entire worldview is shaped by what your family is like... for better and for worse. Should I grieve what I've lost? In a sense a part of me has died, namely the inquisitve child... the one that is still innocent.... that believes all people are good. Do I have a right to be angry? We're taught to internalize the anger and that hate and anger are negative emotions. Therefore, we shouldn't feel them. I am struggling with that. I understand the need to grieve... but because they're my parents I still feel, even 20 years later, that I shouldn't be angry. That they were just following the cycle of violence. But that would relieve them of their responsibility. It was their responsibility to protect me and they fell short. But I still can't bring myself to feel that rage.
The biggest challenge for me is whether or not I need to forgive them. There was a line in the movie "A Thousand Acres" that said "How do you forgive someone that shows no remorse?" It is much easier to forgive someone when they are truly sorry. How about when they deny? My parents have always denied the abuse and accused me of trying to disrupt the family. So how do you forgive them? And do I need to?
I wrestle with the answers to these questions and with the road that lies ahead. I know it's not an easy one since you can't just undo the past and be instantly cured. I have to change my entire belief system and in essence construct an entirely new reality. Step 1: Healing the hurt within.
As I write this I do feel a profound sense of loss. In many ways I am still just a child. I may be 27 years old but a part of me is trapped... a prisoner to the past. No family is perfect but most people grow up in a world of safety. To a child parents are godlike. We deify them. Whatever they say must be true. This has important ramifications when parents are abusive.
When someone we love dies we know that grief is a common response and that it is okay.. that it is a necessary step. When it comes to abuse it is still a topic that people don't want to talk about. Even in psychology we talk about the symptoms of abuse and how devastating it is for the victim but there are no real guidelines on how you should feel... and how you get past it.
How should I feel? Your entire worldview is shaped by what your family is like... for better and for worse. Should I grieve what I've lost? In a sense a part of me has died, namely the inquisitve child... the one that is still innocent.... that believes all people are good. Do I have a right to be angry? We're taught to internalize the anger and that hate and anger are negative emotions. Therefore, we shouldn't feel them. I am struggling with that. I understand the need to grieve... but because they're my parents I still feel, even 20 years later, that I shouldn't be angry. That they were just following the cycle of violence. But that would relieve them of their responsibility. It was their responsibility to protect me and they fell short. But I still can't bring myself to feel that rage.
The biggest challenge for me is whether or not I need to forgive them. There was a line in the movie "A Thousand Acres" that said "How do you forgive someone that shows no remorse?" It is much easier to forgive someone when they are truly sorry. How about when they deny? My parents have always denied the abuse and accused me of trying to disrupt the family. So how do you forgive them? And do I need to?
I wrestle with the answers to these questions and with the road that lies ahead. I know it's not an easy one since you can't just undo the past and be instantly cured. I have to change my entire belief system and in essence construct an entirely new reality. Step 1: Healing the hurt within.
Sunday, July 02, 2006
Questioning Everything
I'm still going through a mix of emotions and there are a lot of questions that come up as I begin the healing process. I've spent so long pushing it into the background and just accepting it as my reality that I don't know how to deal with the emotions. I also wonder if I have a right to be angry. Part of that comes back to me justifying my mother's behaviour. She was depressed and learned some of the behaviours from her father. But that doesn't make it right. There are a few contradicitons and I am not sure how to reconcile the two. For instance, any type of abuse involves a betrayal but since it's the family there is still a sense of loyalty. Since they were my parents there is love... but because of the detrimental affects there is also a certain element of hate.
I was raised going to church every Sunday and with the whole Christian values. The Bible says to honor your parents and love them. So I feel like I shouldn't hate them... which leads to me wondering what the appropriate response is. I also wonder if I have to forgive them in order to move forward. I'm not sure I can do it.
I also wonder how I can face the pain... the hurt... all the emotions without self destructing. Now that is something I am good at. I'm surprised I am even still alive. I never thought I would be. Between the eating disorder, the self-injury, the binge drinking, the risky sex, and the smoking... They're the only coping mechanisms I know. And all of them are damaging, one way or another.
If I actually face it and work past it will I ever be able to trust people again? With the neglect, as well as the abuse I became a ghost and talked to no one. I was judged by a lot of people and was condemned by most of them as well. As well I wanted to keep the family secret so I trusted no one... well almost no one. I also got to the point where I thought I wasn't worth anybody else's time. Even now I struggle with asking for help or starting the conversation. I know it's not true but I always think I'd be wasting their time. It's not easy to break that and actually trust people. It means being vulnerable... letting go... something I haven't been able to do in a very long time, if I ever could.
Why do I still want their approval? I know it's a lost cause. I know I made it through... I got my degree... I've got a job... yet I still want them to say "Job well done." I keep in touch hoping that one day I will actually hear some sort of praise.... And because I never heard it while growing up I doubt myself and my abilities all the time. I second guess myself and while I can easily find fault in something I'm doing... I don't accept the compliments of others very well. I managed to just shrug it off.
Should I sever all ties? Being in contact with them only causes more pain for me. Things have never changed and they still deny there was any abuse. That leaves me wondering if I should even have contact with them. That comes back to the loyalty. I feel like I have to stay in touch... like I am a bad daughter if I don't.
One of the most challenging questions is "Who am I?" I've been wearing masks for so long... and hiding who I was... that I've forgotten who I really am. The effects of being a victim of abuse is so entwined in my identity that it really has shaped who I am and where I am in my life. All of my coping mechanisms have been extremely negative and often quite damaging. I didn't care if I lived or died. I was an anorexic by the time I was 10. Needless to say that has health consequences and has made it difficult for me to gain weight. I've had alcohol poisoning more times then I would like to admit to. I always set myself up for bad situations even though I know better... and as a result have been raped by 5 different people. So now I see sex as pretty much meaningless (except for Adam... that was different) and it has an association with violence. Cutting yourself on purpose is obviously fucked up and harmful. I went to university to prove that my parents were wrong... that I really could do something with my life. I went into psychology and looking back I wonder if it was an attempt to heal myself or because I had been there so I wanted to help others. So when you start removing all those things and peeling back the layers what is left? Who am I?
I also wonder if the following quote is true... and if it is... then is there even a point to dealing with it and working through the emotions?
"Man... cannot learn to forget, but hangs on the past: however far or fast he runs, that chain runs with him." (Friedrich Nietzsche)
I was raised going to church every Sunday and with the whole Christian values. The Bible says to honor your parents and love them. So I feel like I shouldn't hate them... which leads to me wondering what the appropriate response is. I also wonder if I have to forgive them in order to move forward. I'm not sure I can do it.
I also wonder how I can face the pain... the hurt... all the emotions without self destructing. Now that is something I am good at. I'm surprised I am even still alive. I never thought I would be. Between the eating disorder, the self-injury, the binge drinking, the risky sex, and the smoking... They're the only coping mechanisms I know. And all of them are damaging, one way or another.
If I actually face it and work past it will I ever be able to trust people again? With the neglect, as well as the abuse I became a ghost and talked to no one. I was judged by a lot of people and was condemned by most of them as well. As well I wanted to keep the family secret so I trusted no one... well almost no one. I also got to the point where I thought I wasn't worth anybody else's time. Even now I struggle with asking for help or starting the conversation. I know it's not true but I always think I'd be wasting their time. It's not easy to break that and actually trust people. It means being vulnerable... letting go... something I haven't been able to do in a very long time, if I ever could.
Why do I still want their approval? I know it's a lost cause. I know I made it through... I got my degree... I've got a job... yet I still want them to say "Job well done." I keep in touch hoping that one day I will actually hear some sort of praise.... And because I never heard it while growing up I doubt myself and my abilities all the time. I second guess myself and while I can easily find fault in something I'm doing... I don't accept the compliments of others very well. I managed to just shrug it off.
Should I sever all ties? Being in contact with them only causes more pain for me. Things have never changed and they still deny there was any abuse. That leaves me wondering if I should even have contact with them. That comes back to the loyalty. I feel like I have to stay in touch... like I am a bad daughter if I don't.
One of the most challenging questions is "Who am I?" I've been wearing masks for so long... and hiding who I was... that I've forgotten who I really am. The effects of being a victim of abuse is so entwined in my identity that it really has shaped who I am and where I am in my life. All of my coping mechanisms have been extremely negative and often quite damaging. I didn't care if I lived or died. I was an anorexic by the time I was 10. Needless to say that has health consequences and has made it difficult for me to gain weight. I've had alcohol poisoning more times then I would like to admit to. I always set myself up for bad situations even though I know better... and as a result have been raped by 5 different people. So now I see sex as pretty much meaningless (except for Adam... that was different) and it has an association with violence. Cutting yourself on purpose is obviously fucked up and harmful. I went to university to prove that my parents were wrong... that I really could do something with my life. I went into psychology and looking back I wonder if it was an attempt to heal myself or because I had been there so I wanted to help others. So when you start removing all those things and peeling back the layers what is left? Who am I?
I also wonder if the following quote is true... and if it is... then is there even a point to dealing with it and working through the emotions?
"Man... cannot learn to forget, but hangs on the past: however far or fast he runs, that chain runs with him." (Friedrich Nietzsche)
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Retreat
I thought I'd retreat back to the inner sanctum... where people don't know it exists so I can be utterly and completely honest and not have to worry about offending someone. It's my refuge.
I must admit that I am kind of nervous about giving Pat the link to the public blog. I'm not sure why. I guess because I don't like people knowing that much about my life. I'm always worried about what they will think.
It's not like I didn't reveal some hard truths about myself either... the abuse I went through... the self-injury.... the fear.... and the date rape. All things I have a really tough time tlking about.
I was thinking about that today and wondering if it is a trust issue or if I don't think I am worth someone else's time. More likely it's a combination of both. I don't trust people... and am afraid that my eyes will reveal just how much pain there really is. I really don't value myself either. But then years of being told you're never going to amount to anything and being told you're worthless... just might have something to do with that.
Some days are better then others.... today is not one of those days. For whatever reason today I feel all of the pain and anguish. I know I should just let go and move on but it's not that easy. I'm scared of trying to actually deal with it. I know the potential is there to go back to the self-injury to try and cope with the overwhelming emotions that are bound to follow. There are few people that I would even trust to see me through it... That would be the ultimate in trust since to deal with it pretty much means I have to go to hell and back... relive it... and acknowledge that there was nothing I could do.
I am currently reminded of the line from "Good Will Hunting" where Sean says "It's not your fault" over and over. It's much easier for me to blame myself and use that to reinforce my low self worth. I also believe in an internal locus of control. So for me to admit that it wasn't my fault also means accepting the fact that I can't control everything.
I must admit that I am kind of nervous about giving Pat the link to the public blog. I'm not sure why. I guess because I don't like people knowing that much about my life. I'm always worried about what they will think.
It's not like I didn't reveal some hard truths about myself either... the abuse I went through... the self-injury.... the fear.... and the date rape. All things I have a really tough time tlking about.
I was thinking about that today and wondering if it is a trust issue or if I don't think I am worth someone else's time. More likely it's a combination of both. I don't trust people... and am afraid that my eyes will reveal just how much pain there really is. I really don't value myself either. But then years of being told you're never going to amount to anything and being told you're worthless... just might have something to do with that.
Some days are better then others.... today is not one of those days. For whatever reason today I feel all of the pain and anguish. I know I should just let go and move on but it's not that easy. I'm scared of trying to actually deal with it. I know the potential is there to go back to the self-injury to try and cope with the overwhelming emotions that are bound to follow. There are few people that I would even trust to see me through it... That would be the ultimate in trust since to deal with it pretty much means I have to go to hell and back... relive it... and acknowledge that there was nothing I could do.
I am currently reminded of the line from "Good Will Hunting" where Sean says "It's not your fault" over and over. It's much easier for me to blame myself and use that to reinforce my low self worth. I also believe in an internal locus of control. So for me to admit that it wasn't my fault also means accepting the fact that I can't control everything.
Saturday, December 24, 2005
The Sound of Silence
Today I am really enjoying the sound of silence. I understand why monks would make a vow of silence. Or maybe it's just the fact I don't want to listen to more background noise.
I've spent much of the day at home avoiding the madness and insanity in last minute shopping. I find I just get aggravated in crowds. Instead, I've been watching CSI and just relaxing. For the most part it has been working, except when the roommate/stalker is around. Now he just sets me off on a good day... I get annoyed when someone tries to come across as an expert in a subject when it is clear that they don't know what they are talking about. Even more so when they want to debate it with you. For the most part I am not one for small talk. Sme of that comes from the fact I am always thinking... or focused on something... and my brain has trouble processing conversations these days. I don't say much out of fear that deficit will show. But, at least with this individual... I also don't want to fake interest in the daily routine of their life. I didn't work today so I don't have much of an interest in the calls you had... Let me enjoy my day off. Nor do I care about his current thoughts on video editing. That is my area and I don't like to be second guessed... especially by someone that has no knowledge of what is involved. And as for asking me what I am working tomorrow... since the call center is only open 8 hours I am working the same shift as everyone else. Just stop talking, unless there is something useful to say... let me enjoy the peace and quiet.
"When you speak, your speech should have been better then the silence would have been" (Origin unknown)
I've spent much of the day at home avoiding the madness and insanity in last minute shopping. I find I just get aggravated in crowds. Instead, I've been watching CSI and just relaxing. For the most part it has been working, except when the roommate/stalker is around. Now he just sets me off on a good day... I get annoyed when someone tries to come across as an expert in a subject when it is clear that they don't know what they are talking about. Even more so when they want to debate it with you. For the most part I am not one for small talk. Sme of that comes from the fact I am always thinking... or focused on something... and my brain has trouble processing conversations these days. I don't say much out of fear that deficit will show. But, at least with this individual... I also don't want to fake interest in the daily routine of their life. I didn't work today so I don't have much of an interest in the calls you had... Let me enjoy my day off. Nor do I care about his current thoughts on video editing. That is my area and I don't like to be second guessed... especially by someone that has no knowledge of what is involved. And as for asking me what I am working tomorrow... since the call center is only open 8 hours I am working the same shift as everyone else. Just stop talking, unless there is something useful to say... let me enjoy the peace and quiet.
"When you speak, your speech should have been better then the silence would have been" (Origin unknown)
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