While Some Things Have Changed Others Have Not

It has been about a year and a half since I last posted here. I really got away from posting anything of substance. My other blog is certainly pretty censored since family have access. I feel like I lost my voice in there and lately have felt like something is missing as a result.

As far as what has happened I was employed... and then I wasn't. Got laid off. It was a blessing though since I hated that job but couldn't bring myself to quit, no matter how much stress it caused. Plus there was a new program that provided funding for me to go back to school. I am loving it.

However, I read the last post which is what prompted me to write and realize just how much some things have stayed the same. I am trying to get the stalker to leave me alone. Just before Christmas we were driving to the school and got in a fight. Now I HATE Christmas. I really just want to be left the fuck alone and survive the holidays. True to course it was a fight with family but that is for a separate post. But he has this need to be with people so he felt neglected and couldn't seem to respect the fact I wanted to be left alone and it was nothing personal. But the real winning comment was, "I know you have had a shitty existence..." Thanks for that. So I didn't call him since I was angry and still dealing with the holidays. Then New Years eve we got into it again. Fighting because I hadn't called. And he asked if I saw an us in the new year. Now I have never seen an us... and will never see an us. If I ever even thought about it shoot me. The next words out of his mouth were,, "Guess we will need to divide up our stuff then." Excuse me? I thought we were friends... Not like a relationship that just ended or something. Told me right there that we were never friends. And really the only thing that he can even claim is the computer. Then 2 days later he was acting like nothing happened. It was actually kind of scary. It meant that he can't accept the reality. So I prepared myself to tell him to "fuck off and leave me alone" and then get the police involved if necessary.

2.5 months later I have not answered the phone when he called and yet he still tries... Not as often but he still calls and makes up excuses. Hasn't gotten the hint yet. And periodically will show up here... That part is unnerving. But really I don't want to have him escalate since I am concerned about my safety.

My last post was on my mother's response and how she thought we were just good friends. I told her just after the new year that it was over and I would get the police involved if necessary. Even told her that he took advantage of me when intoxicated. Then I had a doctors appointment to go to and it was out of town. She mentioned that the stalker was going to give me a ride and that I should give him a call and get him to drive me. Seriously? You want me to continue involvement with him just to get a ride??? You are fucking nuts.

Landing on Both Feet

I realize that we are now more then halfway through 2008 but I wanted to take a moment to look back to 2007 since with my absence there were some things that were left out. Until now I don't think I realized just how much of myself I was sacrificing at work. Funny how it takes being fired to really find that freedom. No matter what I did it really didn't matter. I was doomed. I thought that it was going to be some big screw-up that sent me packing.... and it turned out to be the most innocent thing. well okay maybe not entirely innocent but it certainly wasn't about job performance. It was all over a picture that was posted on FaceBook. At the time it was like my world didn't even make sense. I thought this was my career. What was I going to do now? I watched as most of my friends abandoned me. I was now the pariah and since I didn't work there we no longer had things in common.

I think my theme song could be "Boulevard of Broken Dreams." I did have people that stood by me but they didn't understand what I was going through. After all it didn't happen to them. They still had their jobs. I felt alone, lost at sea. I was trying to fight a company and there were definitely times I questioned it... especially as the months dragged on and the more other people began to doubt. But I never gave up. I kept fighting and eventually I did win. I couldn't get my job back but I did get termination pay.

There is a lot of shame in being fired... even if it was not justified. While I was fighting them my employment record said, "terminated with cause." I was very reluctant to job hunt and go through interviews because I had no answer for why I left my last job. I didn't want to lie but couldn't tell the truth either. It took 9 months to be resolved.. 9 very long months.

In November I started working for my current company. I consider it to be a time of transition. I have no long term aspirations here.... no desire to move up the corporate ladder. It's more about just putting in the time and building up my confidence so that the old job will be but a distant memory when it comes time to do an interview. Aside from the low wages it is exactly what I need. Perfect for the slacker within all of us.

Now it's about moving forward.... and it's nice to be able to look back and see that I really did land on both feet. At the time I wasn't so sure and had no idea how I was going to make it. But the survival instinct kicked in and here we are. Just remember, one foot in front of the other.

Whack a Mole

I know that I haven't posted in a while but it's hard to keep up with 2 different blogs. As of late it just seems like it is one thing after another. I almost feel like I am under attack and have been withdrawing as of late. I prefer isolation any ways so it's not that big a deal. Relatively speaking I am fine.... I just want to be like a turtle and stick my head in my shell until the storm is over.

One of the big things right now is family. There is the adoption issues that have resurfaced again. My biological mother called me out of the blue to tell me that she would be in the area and wanted to know if I was available to meet. The timing was off and there was some missed communication. So now I am disappointed that I didn't get the chance to meet her. I am also relieved because I am not in the best frame of mind at the moment.

Conversations with my parents have also been less than smooth. I'm 28 years old. I think I can make my own decisions by now. And yes I do know that I need to find a job and I will. Do you not think that I have enough stress without being reminded of that? I hate to say it but the one thing that keeps going through my mind about the call I had with my dad is that it cost me about $9. The joys of long distance on a cell phone... and right now I don't really have that kind of money. It doesn't sound like a lot... but right now I need to come up with $30 to pay rent, $35 for my chiropractor appointment, $25 for Dell, and it would be kind of nice to be able to buy some groceries.... So spending $9 on a conversation where I was left feeling empty and worthless just makes it worse.

I've come to the conclusion that life is like a game of whack a mole. Just when you hit one mole and make him disappear another one pops up. It just never stops. Now where's that mallet when you need one.

Everything Happens for a Reason

Recent events have definitely made me realize that everything happens for a reason. Call it fate... call it God's will... call it whatever you want. On one hand I was thinking that Facebook was a bad thing since it cost me my job. But on the other it allowed me to reconnect with people I have not seen in years, people that I always wondered, "Whatever happened to ______?"

Losing my job set me free. At first sure there was shock, anger and disbelief. After all I didn't expect this to happen and certainly didn't do anything out of malice. But it was a blessing in disguise. I have a lot less stress now. And I was never going to get anywhere there. Now I am free... free to do what I want.

They really don't teach you about life in school... I went to public school and then high school. It was assumed that I was going to go to university so I did. I got my degree in Psychology but couldn't find a job. So I settled for life in a call center and stayed because I had a steady pay cheque. Now I can do anything... I can pursue my writing... and pursue jobs that I have an interest in.

My lease is also up so while I have to give 60 days notice I can choose to move elsewhere if so desired. Anyone that knows me knows that I am not fond of Peterborough. And there are more opportunities for me to do coaching/counselling elsewhere. So it just might be my chance to leave here for good.

And getting back to Facebook it has brought people back into my life that I haven't seen since I left Cobourg almost a decade ago. Now when I left Cobourg I never looked back. Having people come back into my life also made me realize there were parts of the past that I had never dealt with... that I had just ignored and swept under the rug. I thought if I ran from it then it didn't matter. All you need is someone to push you, a spark to ignite things. Suddenly I was face to face with everything. No more running this time. I am nowhere near the point where healing is complete but it's a step in the right direction.

Support often comes from unlikely sources... One person from work has really kept me going through the tough times. She has done a fantastic job of keeping me positive and focused. But when I was fired I thought I'd never hear from her again. I had only known Michelle for a short period of time and had no contact information before I was fired. But she tracked me down and has been a huge source of inspiration.

The other source of inspiration has come from my past. Shana recently found me on Facebook and we got to talking. It was like no time at all had passed even though it had been a decade. She has challenged me even when I was quite happy to stay in my little bubble. I appreciate friends like that.

Only time will tell what the future will bring but I do know that whatever happens it happens for a reason.

Make It Stop

All I want right now is for the pain to stop. Is that too much to ask? I am beginning to think that my life is the stuff tragedies are written about. Nothing ever seems to go well for an extended period of time. When something happens it's like there is a domino effect. Several other things have to fall apart. The song "Pain" by Three days Grace says:

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

You're sick of feeling numb
You're not the only one
I'll take you by the hand
And I'll show you a world that you can understand
This life is filled with hurt
When happiness doesn't work
Trust me and take my hand
When the lights go out you will understand

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

Anger and agony
Are better than misery
Trust me I've got a plan
When the lights go off you will understand

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing
Rather feel pain

I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you're wounded
You know (You know you know you know you know)
That I'm here to save you
You know (You know you know you know you know)
I'm always here for you
I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you'll thank me later

Pain, without love
Pain, can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain


I'm not so sure I agree with it. Right now I think I would rather be numb and feel nothing then to feel all the pain. I just want it to stop.

Seeking Answers

In the Matrix they say, "It's the question that drives you." In the movie the question is, "What is the Matrix?" In my case it is more the question, "Why?" Sometimes there is no answer... Maybe it is all fate. Maybe it is just life. As humans we seek to understand to find meaning. And sometimes it's not that easy. I wonder if there really are lessons in everything or if sometimes things just happen and leave you with nothing more then, "Why?" I'd like to think that events in life have shaped my identity and made me a stronger person but some days I wonder.

Turning Points

My vacation has really given me a chance to just be. Usually I am so caught up in the daily grind that life just passes me by. It's all about what I have to do. Next thing I know days... and then weeks... have gone by. It's like the song says, "Every day is exactly the same." The time off has also given me a chance to reflect. People have asked me if I regret going to school knowing the debt load I now carry and the issues I've had with interest relief. The answer is no. While I would like to be out of debt I don't regret the four years I spent at Huron. Looking back... that might have been the best years of my life.

There was never a question of whether or not I would go to university. It was assumed that I would go to school. I suppose I ultimately had a choice but the thought of not going never crossed my mind. The only question was what school? I chose Huron because I loved the campus at Western. Huron was more of a challenge to get into and smaller classes. I always was up for a challenge and never took the easy road.

There are always turning points in our lives. These pivotal moments shape the course our lives take. Sometimes they are small decisions that we think will have no consequence and other times they are big decisions. Going to university was one of those turning points for me. One of my reflections was on my life at the same time. Back in 1998 when I left for school I was 19 and was filled with anger. I had a chip on my shoulder and was on the fast track for disaster. Around the same time my best friend went into a treatment program and my first love went to jail. I had taken a year off between high school and university so I was working. But my job was only part time. Left me a lot of time to get into trouble. I was developing a drinking problem. My friends from work were into drinking and drugs. Had I not gone to school I likely would've chosen that path.

I can wonder what my life would've been like but I'll never know. I left that life behind, as well as those friends. Not to say life has been easy since that point... Life is never easy. But it was one of the best decisions that I ever made. Look at where I am now. I quit smoking... quit drinking (except for on special occassions).... and have ben working for the same company for 4 years. Compared to where I was at 19 that is quite an achievement.

The Aftermath

Being broken brings with it a flood of emotions. For years I have worked on being numb, feeling nothing. I felt I needed to be strong to survive and that meant blocking out emotion. Emotion equalled weakness. But that was only in myself... I didn't hold the same standards for other people. That was part of the reason I turned to cutting. As weird as it sounds it actually numbs you. Physical pain I could handle... emotional pain was overwhelming. I still feel like people expect me to be the picture of strength and never show emotion. But that is unrealistic. And I am learning that being numb is not the same as being strong. I had a good reason to be numb... It was about self preservation. I was protecting myself from the instbility of home life. But I am no longer in that situation... well okay part of me is still working on releasing those chains and being free... I don't need to be numb now. I do have a great deal of inner strength.... I can make it through a great deal and keep going. I was worried that if I felt anything then I would suddenly feel everything and be overwhelmed. I was scared I might go back to the self-injury to deal with it. But that was more of a crutch... an excuse not to allow myself to feel. Not to say I don't feel a little overwhelmed right now and it's not a comfortable place for me to be. But that's okay. I can feel the emotion without self destructing. Showing emotion does not make me weak. In fact, it's a healthy response.

Steinbeck had a great quote, "The greater tumor a child can have is that he is not loved, and rejection is the hell he fears." There was no such thing as consistency in my family life. Even love was conditional. I always felt like I had to prove myself in order to be accepted. Even in friendships I tend to think there are conditions... "They'll only be my friend if..." Some friendships tend to be just as chaotic as my family was as a result.... because I still believe that it's conditional. It's not even give and take. Most of my friendships seem to end up being all about them... and I just accept it. Pat has commented a couple of times about being there... as someone to talk to. I'm always looking for the catch and wondering what the conditions are.

It's almost as though a tornado has gone through and now it's time for the aftermath. Only that tornado is life. Picking up the pieces of a shattered life. Both of these are going to be extremely difficult. It involves changing some major aspects of my life and restructuring entire belief systems. But this is why healing is a process and not an event.

What is This Life For?

The last month or so has been quite the journey and is still far from over. Some days I wonder what this life is for and those times I usually feel like giving in. No I'm not talking about suicide. I am just sick of fighting circumstance. It's funny that I was talking about life a decade ago... since it dawned on me today that right now I feel about like I did back then. It's like I am surrounded by darkness from which there is no escape. I am control freak by nature and this is something I can't control... much like I couldn't control the abuse in the past. So I am left feeling hopeless and discouraged at the moment. I really think I am in the anger phase between denial and acceptance. I was in denial for 2 years and it's been replaced by anger. Why me? Can't anything go right? My life was fucked up before... I didn't need this too.

At least I am able to leave it at home, for the most part, and don't bring the pain and anger with me to work. Obviously I can't completely forget about it but I can focus on the job and push it out of my mind for 8.5 hours. Now if only I could shut my mind off at night as well.