Consent

The post over at SD's blog on Consent really got me thinking. What is consent? Sure there is the dictionary definition but in the real world what does it really mean to give consent? In its most basic form I take it to mean that I agreed to something. I'll even expand that slightly. In order to give consent I must actively agree to something. It seems like one of the only time consent even comes into question is in regards to sex. I already posted the legal definition... at least it's the legal definition in Canada.

In a nutshell I believe that in order to consent both parties must be capable of giving consent. Alcohol obviously impairs this ability. The decision must also be made free of coercion. Lastly, consent is an active process. Not saying no is not the same as saying yes.

If I look back at the times I was assaulted alcohol was a factor in 4 cases. It's very easy for me to rationalize it and say that I was just drunk. That I just regretted it later. But alcohol rapidly impairs my judgment. In fact, three of those times I had alcohol poisoning. With that much alcohol in my system there is no way I was legally able to give consent. With Mike I initially agreed and then stopped. For as drunk as I might have been I said no. Then I passed out and he decided to keep going. That was what I woke up to.

When alcohol was not a factor it was about power and my own naivity. I always believed that people were inherently good. My parents did a lousy job of teaching me those important life lessons, such as who to trust. In fact all I knew was manipulation so for someone else to play me like that came as no surprise. So that involved coercion instead of alcohol.

I'm sure the other party would (and has) argued for implied consent... that they didn't realize I said no. In spite of the fact alcohol is not a legal defense sexual assault is still about he said/she said. In fact my charges against Mike were dropped because of a lack of witnesses. But the one thing I come back to, time and time again, is that I did not actively give consent.

It's still tough to put the blame where it belongs, with the other person. I still have the tendency to want to blame myself... If I hadn't gone out that night.... If I hadn't been drinking... But, at the same time, other people need to be responsible for their own actions. Alcohol means that you are incapable of giving consent. Sex does involve 2 people and both of them have to give consent to the activities.

I think part of the reason it is so tough to blame the other person is because then our sense of justice and of safety gets shot to hell. It also means we have to give up the illusion of control. Not to mention the fact we often know our attacker. We don't want to admit that the people we know are capable of this... to put a face to the monster.

I'd like to say it's easy to get past it and move on with your life. I wish that was true. It has shaped many aspects of my life... how I see the world... how I see myself... my views on sex... and I'm still an insomniac. But that's why they say healing is a process and not an event. But to anyone that has been victimized it is not your fault. You did not deserve this. Nothing gives them the right.

Obsession

Maybe it's just me... but if I ever found myself saying to a guy "Every time we have sex you are hammered" I'd think it was time to cut my losses and walk away. What makes that worse is that I just had that conversation but in reverse. That was followed by the offer of sex. No... I am still sober. As bad as that sounds I have no interest in this person, as anyone who knows me is well aware. But I have tried being subtle and I have tried being blunt and nothing sinks in. Neither has the 3 relationships during the time in which he has been obsessing over me. I guess even the fact I have to be drunk for him to take advantage of the situation doesn't even phase him. Some people see only what they want to.

From a legal standpoint someone who is intoxicated cannot give consent. I can drink until I have alcohol poisoning. I stop drinking when the bar closes. Might explain why I don't go out very often these days. I tend to forget these things called limits. There is no sense of reason left. While I may not appear intoxicated and can still hold a conversation I am still not in a position to be thinking clearly, or thinking at all. This is a large part of the reason I have an impending court case. Partially my own stupidity... but guess what... if I say no and pass out... that is not an open invitation. So for those people on the fence about that situation... I did not ask for this. Drugs and alcohol are not a defense on his part.

From a moral standpoint that's just wrong. If someone is drunk, guy or girl, it's just a bad idea all the way around. It it happens once okay fine... mistakes happen... bad call. But if you are looking for them to be drunk so that you can take advantage of the situation... what does that say about you?

What makes the entire conversation even more interesting is that the other day the same person tried to tell me the reason they don't get any dates is because of the nice guys who are out there. The ones he called rapists.... the wolves in sheeps clothing. I made the mistake of saying that I think Mike made a mistake and I don't think he meant for it to happen. This person then said he didn't believe that for an instance. Yet he has no problem with me being drunk so he can try and take advantage of the situation... a predator waiting for his opportunity. Which one is worse?

Looks like another sleepless night for me since I can't get this out of my head now. Just proves to me once again what type of person he really is. *Sigh* Still no way out of this situation. Three years and I still haven't found a way. Time to crawl back into bed and forget this nightmare.