While Some Things Have Changed Others Have Not

It has been about a year and a half since I last posted here. I really got away from posting anything of substance. My other blog is certainly pretty censored since family have access. I feel like I lost my voice in there and lately have felt like something is missing as a result.

As far as what has happened I was employed... and then I wasn't. Got laid off. It was a blessing though since I hated that job but couldn't bring myself to quit, no matter how much stress it caused. Plus there was a new program that provided funding for me to go back to school. I am loving it.

However, I read the last post which is what prompted me to write and realize just how much some things have stayed the same. I am trying to get the stalker to leave me alone. Just before Christmas we were driving to the school and got in a fight. Now I HATE Christmas. I really just want to be left the fuck alone and survive the holidays. True to course it was a fight with family but that is for a separate post. But he has this need to be with people so he felt neglected and couldn't seem to respect the fact I wanted to be left alone and it was nothing personal. But the real winning comment was, "I know you have had a shitty existence..." Thanks for that. So I didn't call him since I was angry and still dealing with the holidays. Then New Years eve we got into it again. Fighting because I hadn't called. And he asked if I saw an us in the new year. Now I have never seen an us... and will never see an us. If I ever even thought about it shoot me. The next words out of his mouth were,, "Guess we will need to divide up our stuff then." Excuse me? I thought we were friends... Not like a relationship that just ended or something. Told me right there that we were never friends. And really the only thing that he can even claim is the computer. Then 2 days later he was acting like nothing happened. It was actually kind of scary. It meant that he can't accept the reality. So I prepared myself to tell him to "fuck off and leave me alone" and then get the police involved if necessary.

2.5 months later I have not answered the phone when he called and yet he still tries... Not as often but he still calls and makes up excuses. Hasn't gotten the hint yet. And periodically will show up here... That part is unnerving. But really I don't want to have him escalate since I am concerned about my safety.

My last post was on my mother's response and how she thought we were just good friends. I told her just after the new year that it was over and I would get the police involved if necessary. Even told her that he took advantage of me when intoxicated. Then I had a doctors appointment to go to and it was out of town. She mentioned that the stalker was going to give me a ride and that I should give him a call and get him to drive me. Seriously? You want me to continue involvement with him just to get a ride??? You are fucking nuts.

Just Leave Me Alone

The more stressed I become the more I pull back and go into isolation mode. Of course the more stressed I become the more tired I also become. So it's really about self-preservation. The last 2 years have been a demonstration of this. I don't want to go out and be social. There are other factors involved but stress is a HUGE factor. For the most part I just want everyone to leave me alone... well okay there are a few people that can always brighten my day. As for Steve, I would really like him to just leave me alone. Yesterday I made the mistake of asking what he was doing after work, I was just making conversation. Specifically I asked him if he was going to his storage unit after work since he is trying to clear it out. His actual response was "I'd rather play with you." I was actually a little taken aback. I mean there is no secret that he wants me... but this is the company email. Let's not go for suggestive comments. I turned him down but he doesn't get the hint that it's him I don't want. He either thinks I am sick, tired, stressed... or have some other reason. But it couldn't possibly be him. A while back he had a passing interest in someone else. Yesterday he was saying that she had told people he was expecting things of her. Or at least that was the impression she had. I was only half paying attention and I do agree with that assessment. So I was just like "Mmm-hmmm" and then he couldn't believe I was agreeing with it. I said something about the workplace and perceptions. I really didn't want to see his anger. I've seen it before and it was ugly. To a certain degree I have resigned myself to the fact I am not getting rid of him. I know I need to stand up for myself and say no to him. I wish it was that easy. Nothing in life is that simple. I fear what would happen if I did that. I'm also a doormat. I'd rather just take the abuse so that other people don't have to. And I am scared about what would happen if I did cut off all contact. He has this tendency to show up at will as it is. And, the one thing I hvae learned about a restraining order... it doesn't apply to work. I just can't win. And I just want to be left alone.

Trapped

Right now I feel like I am trapped and can't escape. I have a large number of stressors right now... my student loan and work being the two biggest. My stalker seems to want to take advantage of my weaknesses. The more stress I am under the more the Fibromyalgia acts up and then the more help I need. Steve preys on that. He's very manipulative and lives for taking advantage of me. I wish it wasn't true... and I wish I didn't have to say that. But he also knows not to be predictable. He doesn't hit on me every time he is over. In fact, it is a small percentage of the time. I suspect it's so I can't predict the pattern and so I don't completely sever all ties. I know I need to cut off all contact but it's easier said then done. He knows what buttons to press... and he knows just what to say. It's the art of manipulation. Part of me thinks I need him in my life. He runs errands for me... gives me a ride to work... takes out the recycling. But at what cost? For all that is it worth sacrificing myself? The obvious answer is no... but when all you know is abuse that answer doesn't come so easily. He just repeats what my parents did... and no matter what I am loyal to them. I'm like the obedient dog that just comes back for more. Kick me while I am down... It doesn't matter. In a nutshell... Steve is the predator and I am the prey.

Ongoing Saga of Steve

Pat said recently that I need to sever my ties with Steve. I am well aware of that fact. I've known it for a long time. I wish it was that easy. I wish I could just say "Fuck you" and walk away. After all I've spent 2 years, and three relationships wondering how to get rid of him. But he's like a stray dog and keeps coming back. He never gets the hint. You'd think after the relationship with Adam... or the one with Tristan... he might've got the message. Or even when I picked up at the bar right in front of him. But he seems to have these delusions that I am interested in him and it never matters what I say.

It all started with me being naive and not knowing anyone in Peterborough. I thought he was just being nice. And I thought so little of myself that the possibility he was interested in me never even crossed my mind. I would give anything to go back in time and change things.

He's obsessive to the point of it being frightening. He still buys presents for his ex-wife on Valentines, Mother's Day, their anniversary, etc. That's kind of creepy. Especially since they haven't been together for 10 years. Let it go and move on with life. I also get the impression that he is in a mid-life crisis. He seems to want to be with someone who is much younger then himself. He's been interested in a few people.. all of which were at least a decade his junior... and all of them he had no chance with. But he always comes back to me and refuses to let go of that fantasy. That obsession is actually smothering and makes me feel claustrophobic. Once he moved in to be closer to me I couldn't go anywhere or do anything any more. I was just trapped in the apartment and this is part of the reason for my LOA.

It's not just the obsession though. I now understand why so many people stay in abusive relationships. They feel powerless... helpless... and are trapped. The abuser is controlling and manipulative and the victim feels guilty and may blame themselves for it. Take my situation for example. I blame myself for not realizing just what he was after and not getting away when I had the chance. Steve definitely uses manipulation to get what he wants. I am used to an unstable enviorment.. that is what I grew up with. And now Steve is recreating that. Instability and unpredictability... I feel like I am powerless. It's the same feelings I had living at home. The sense of pain... and hate. Every time I see him my skin crawls. Yet I continue to allow him to abuse me and allow him to control me.

I feel like I did just before I went to university. Trapped and alone with no way out. All I see is darkness and pain. There is no end in sight. It also brings with it anger and hate. But I don't know how to break free. The only way I broke free of my parents influence was them moving across the country. And now I seem to be back full circle since mom is in Peterborough. I get the impression the only way I would be free is to move far enough way that he couldn't come visit or death. It has gotten better since I moved but he still believes I want him and creates an extremely unstable environment where I still feel trapped.

The other reason I can't break free is my fear of him. It's not just the fact he looks like a terrorist. I've seen his temper and it was not pretty. I've also heard what he has said about ways he would hurt other people. Everything from breaking kneecaps to death. So I try not to piss him off. Plus there is the fact he has swords, dynamite, a 9 mm handgun and various other weapons. I get the impression that if I did walk away I would also need a restraining order.

It's not an easy situation to walk away from. If it was I would be long gone already. It is certainly not a healthy relationship and simply reminds me of life at home from my younger days. Maybe I need a ring on my finger although I'm not sure a marriage would even get rid of him. Adam and I were together for a year and I still couldn't get rid of Steve. Hell I think that if I decided to become a lesbian he'd just think I was bisexual and wanted to fuck him too.

So if anyone has ideas as to how I can get rid of him I'd love to hear them. I've spent about 3 years trying to figure that out and still haven't got anywhere. He's still hanging around and things have actually gotten progressively worse. But then most people don't understand what it's like to have a stalker.

Stalker Steve

People always ask how things with Steve ever got to where they are today... and why I still accept rides from him. To answer that question I would have to go back to January of 2003. I had moved to Peterborough. I didn't know anyone. I just started working at Minacs. I was also staying on someone's couch. I was basically homeless for the second time in 4 months. When I was out in the smoking area I would talk to everyone. It's who I am... or at least who I was.... I can still remember the day my life changed. I was out grocery shopping and I ran into Steve out with his son. I stopped to talk, thinking nothing of it. He invited me out to dinner at some point. I thought it was just a friendly invitation (Have I mentioned how naive I can be?) so I figured why not. I started school and then was only working 3 days a week. Steve would always be there... I really should've got the hint... It took me about 6 months to realize it was more then just him being friendly. Especially when he started showing up randomly.

The problem is that I have seen his anger and I did not (and still don't) want to cross it. By the time I actually realized that he wanted more then friendship I was already between a rock and a hard place. I had no idea how to tell him I wasn't interested without potentially making him angry. Since then I have tried being subtle, tried being blunt, and been in three relationships but he hasn't got the hint. That obsession has now lasted for 3.5 years with no end in sight. He would follow me to the bar and didn't get the hint when I picked up in front of him and left with someone else.

In November of 2003 I started dating Jamie. I thought maybe then Steve would back off and take the hint. I was wrong. He didn't think the relationship would last so he continued to hit on me and just show up at the house. He also knew exactly what buttons to push and used that against me... He has always preyed on my weaknesses and my pain to his advantage.

Then I met Adam... I was with him for over a year. And while Steve didn't hit on me (he knew better) he was still right there... every time I went to work... if I went to the bar after work with Adam he would just show up. People dubbed him stalker Steve and wouldn't tell him where I was. They just ignored his presence. He definitely was persistent. And then his dream came true... I was single again. I was also in rough shape. Adam went psychotic... I wasn't sleeping... and was fucked in the head. Things were basically spiralling out of control.... And I needed to find somewhere to live. I was able to get an apartment in Times Square and then my roommate bailed on me. So I was out of time and desperate. Steve stepped in to bail me out... and agreed to put his name on the lease. At the time it wasn't a problem because I had found a new roommate. But now I was indebted to him and he knew , especially since in the process I ended up owing him money. By this point I had also given up on the possibility that he would take the hint and leave me alone. Nothing I could do or say would convince him that I was not interested.... since even 2 relationships hadn't done the trick.

He did end up using my debt against him. He knew that I absolutely hated being in debt to someone. It just reinforced what my parents had said... so if I owed someone money it gave them power over me. He ended up using that power to get me to have sex with him. Which, of course, made things 10x worse. Now he's really delusional and thinks I want him... which I don't. I think he's a predator...

Just before Tristan and I broke up Jarratt moved out. Steve saw it as the perfect opportunity to continue on with his fantasy and ability to control me. He moved in since his name was on the lease... and said he'd only be there for a month or so... until we could find a roommate. Tristan hated him with a passion. He saw him as a creep but I think there was also an element of jealousy, or perhaps insecurity. I tolerated him because in three years I still hadn't found a way to get rid of him. It was a sore point between us... but I couldn't kick Steve out. Steve is not the reason we broke up... but he is the primary reason we did not get back together. Tristan could not get past the fact I had slept with Steve... even though I didn't want to. And Steve wanted to make sure I didn't end up in another relationship.

It got to the point where I couldn't even leave the apartment. I was scared to go to the bar. I figured either he would follow me there or he would just wait until I was drunk and take advantage of me. When I drink I tend to forget those things called limits... and it gets me into trouble. I have no conscious thoughts and definitely am in no position to give consent. I'll remember everything that happens... but at the time my thought process is basically non existent. And considering I have a tendency to have alcohol poisoning... That was a bit of a tangent... but it has happened twice now (not including the three I've mentioned previously) including by Steve. I was trapped. And he was always there.

Just before my LOA I was at the end of my rope. I knew he was the reason why Tristan and I weren't together. I was feeling trapped. I preferred to be at work then at home. I wanted him the hell out of my apartment but he had turned it into a storage unit and I was afraid to let anyone else see it. I couldn't take it. Truth be told he was the reason I wanted to go back to the self-injury... which is the main reason I ended up on the LOA. The funny part is that he never even realized that he was the reason for it.

So that was how it started... and why do I still accept rides from him and tolerate him? Because I can't get rid of him as it is. So I might as well make use of him. Anyone that has seen what it's like has agreed with my assessment. Adam wants me to stay away from him as much as possible but also believes that he is dangerous and that I should be careful.

I never said my life was normal... Seems to be more of a soap opera. I wish I knew a way to get him to leave me alone... I really do. Moving has helped... so has the shifts I am on... but I still can't completely get away from him. I'm starting to think I would have to move far away to be free of him. I'm not even sure a ring on my finger would do the trick. I supposed there is one other option... but I don't think so.

SS

I think it's about time I count how many blogs have been posted about my number 1 fan... I think the count is up to 6... out of 15. Let's recap... there was "Obsession", "Obsession Part 2", "The Sound of Silence", "Some People", "The Saga Continues", and "Aggravated". I almost feel like I need someone new to annoy me so I can write about them instead. The song "Getting Away with Murder" also seems appropriate right now.

I thought I'd do something fun and make a top ten list. Are you ready???

Top 15 Ways Steve Annoys Me

1. Constant offers of sex. If I said no before I am going to keep saying it.
2. Hanging out on my floor when I am on my computer. If I am in my room it means I am either working or hiding.
3. Trying to create a rift between me and my TL. You really don't have to share your opinion. I don't want to hear it.
   
4. Not closing the door when in the bathroom. I am your roommate, not your wife. Close the door!
5. The fact his room is more like a storage unit then a bedroom. Do you really need 3 computers in your room?
6. The fact he thinks he's better then everyone else at work. We're all replaceable. Get over yourself.
7. He's cheap. Favourite stores are Value Village and the Dollar Store.
8. Telling Dwayne he could stay here without even consulting me. But hey he did get approval from the building management.
9. Hanging out at my desk while at work after I have said repeatedly that I don't want anyone stopping by.
10. The fact this obsession has gone on for 3 years now
11. His statement that the reason he can't get dates is "because of the wolves in sheeps clothing", the nice guys that are really rapists (which he seemed to believe was every guy that appeared nice)
    
12. His van. Need I say more?
13. His constant need to talk. Sometimes silence is good, especially when you end up trying to look like a expert on a subject you know nothing about. Leave the video editing to me... and don't try and start a debate.
14. The fact I feel like I can't even leave the house... If I drink he'll try and take advatange of it. I am pretty much restricted now... to work and home. I think I need a girls night out soon.
15. Have I mentioned the constant offers of sex?
    

The Saga Continues

Some days I just want to go postal... But then the anger is usually directed at one person: the obsessed stalker that seems to have a number of names these days. Came home tonight just after I got here with company. Normally I wouldn't care but I've got a migraine. And the last time he had company here he told me they were staying indefinitely. I don't really want to entertain and last time I checked this is still my apartment. I suppose the good news is that he won't be hitting on me. So there is one plus. I told him I was on legacy all night and then he tried to tell me that they can't schedule when he is not around and really had a superiority complex. Now I've done his job and beat him at every statistic. So spare me the god speech. Seems to think he deserves Tier 2 as well. Just because you have been here for five years does not make you the best agent in the place. He was once a performance coach and didn't even make it through the probationary period. Maybe that should tell him something.

Found something else out that was quite interesting. Natasha became a performance coach and we talk on occassion. Steve was telling me that he helped her move and then she didn't talk to him for 6 months and didn't understand why. I found out the reason the other day. He asked her out on a date after helping her move. Hmm... guess that explains why she wasn't talking to him, didn't want to send the wrong message to him. But I guess he forgot that part of it.

I just wish I knew some way of getting rid of him. I don't even think a ring on my finger would do the trick. Mind you a shot gun wedding does have a certain appeal to it *lol* With a stalker around it's not like I can meet someone as it is. I pretty much stay at home these days... too scared to go out. If I go out and he knows where I am he'll just track me down... and hope I drink enough to take advantage of the situation. And he makes sure no guy will be within 10 feet of me. So the night ends up being a wash. Not to say I can't get myself into trouble when I am drinking alone 'cuz I do that quite well too. But a little freedom would be nice, just to be able to go out and actually have some fun once in a while. I'm trying to remember what fun actually is.

Any ways... time for me to get some food. The headache isn't quite as bad so I better grab something to eat.

Some People

This is basically me venting about someone's behaviour. These days I am not sure I have anything good to say about the stalker. He just gets on my nerves. But right now it's the fact he is cheap and a pack rat. there is nothing wrong with looking for deals when it's something you were looking for but stocking up on items you will likely never need just seems like a waste of time to me. He pays for three storage units because he has so much junk and then wonders why he doesn't have any money. At one point he bought 4 large speakers out of a van because he thought they'd come in handy. They were worthless. If you're going to be cheap at least be smart with your money. The other day he was saying that he didn't give some people on his team Christmas cards because he barely knew them. Well it's a good way to get to know them. I could understand that if he was buying Hallmark cards, or even boxes of cards from a store like Zellers... But he got them at the dollar store and had cards left over. So it costs you $2 to give a card to each member of your team. What is the problem with that? But then I don't believe money is the be all and end all. I'll spend the money if I think it's going to put a smile on someone's face. I spent $20 on a joke gift for my supervisor just because I figured she'd get a laugh out of it. I guess it's just a difference in opinions and I won't sacrifice quality for quantity. I'm also not a pack rat... in fact I try and keep only what is important to me or what I have a need for. I can't say the iron I just bought is important to me but I do have a need for it. My dress pants don't look so nice otherwise *lol* Okay I am done venting now.

Obsession Part 2

The comments continue... or is it the nightmare? The same person I was writing about before is back with more comments. First it started with someone from work not speaking to him and avoiding him. He was talking about how you get to know someone over time and you think you know them. No she was just smarter then I was and got away. So that put him in a bad mood. I was reminded of someone else I know... And of me spending 3 months in fear. Too bad it didn't end there. He bought a candle for his ex-wife and started talking about romance and if that is what I want then he'll give it to me. Well he said a lot more then that I just won't repeat it. He thinks he knows me. I'm not sure I would really say anyone knows me. People see what I want them to... whichever mask I am wearing for that moment. Guess he doesn't realize that I tolerate him out of fear... and because he has power... each day wishing to be free. I'm still wondering how I got to this place... and how I'll get out of it. Some days I think you could write a soap opera about my life.

Heather

Obsession

Maybe it's just me... but if I ever found myself saying to a guy "Every time we have sex you are hammered" I'd think it was time to cut my losses and walk away. What makes that worse is that I just had that conversation but in reverse. That was followed by the offer of sex. No... I am still sober. As bad as that sounds I have no interest in this person, as anyone who knows me is well aware. But I have tried being subtle and I have tried being blunt and nothing sinks in. Neither has the 3 relationships during the time in which he has been obsessing over me. I guess even the fact I have to be drunk for him to take advantage of the situation doesn't even phase him. Some people see only what they want to.

From a legal standpoint someone who is intoxicated cannot give consent. I can drink until I have alcohol poisoning. I stop drinking when the bar closes. Might explain why I don't go out very often these days. I tend to forget these things called limits. There is no sense of reason left. While I may not appear intoxicated and can still hold a conversation I am still not in a position to be thinking clearly, or thinking at all. This is a large part of the reason I have an impending court case. Partially my own stupidity... but guess what... if I say no and pass out... that is not an open invitation. So for those people on the fence about that situation... I did not ask for this. Drugs and alcohol are not a defense on his part.

From a moral standpoint that's just wrong. If someone is drunk, guy or girl, it's just a bad idea all the way around. It it happens once okay fine... mistakes happen... bad call. But if you are looking for them to be drunk so that you can take advantage of the situation... what does that say about you?

What makes the entire conversation even more interesting is that the other day the same person tried to tell me the reason they don't get any dates is because of the nice guys who are out there. The ones he called rapists.... the wolves in sheeps clothing. I made the mistake of saying that I think Mike made a mistake and I don't think he meant for it to happen. This person then said he didn't believe that for an instance. Yet he has no problem with me being drunk so he can try and take advantage of the situation... a predator waiting for his opportunity. Which one is worse?

Looks like another sleepless night for me since I can't get this out of my head now. Just proves to me once again what type of person he really is. *Sigh* Still no way out of this situation. Three years and I still haven't found a way. Time to crawl back into bed and forget this nightmare.