Showing posts with label Steve. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Steve. Show all posts
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Another Useless Argument
I called in sick this morning but had to get ahold of my ride to let him know I didn't need a ride. All I wanted to do is go back to bed. After all it was 8:30 in the morning and I called in sick so that I could get some sleep. I was also in the middle of a Fibromylgia flare-up so there was a great deal of pain. Steve was trying to tell me what career path to take. He seemed to think that I should apply for Tier 2 so that I could get the apple certifcation. Then I could get a job elsewhere and potentially make more money. In theory it sounds nice, especially given my current circumstance. But it is a lateral move... In the interim I would be making the same amount of money. And, in the company, I would be limiting my career advancement. So yes it might be helpful if I was planning to relocate but otherwise I am not sure how it would be a good move. I'd have to go through the training... and then would not be able to apply for anything else for 6 months. As a performance coach I have a better shot at moving up to TL or TM. In all honesty I do not like troubleshooting. My degree is in psychology not computers. I prefer the coaching and would rather be a performance coach, especially if I am making the same amount of money. While it would be nice to be Apple certified it's not the be-all and end all in my world. I'm not sure why it turned into an argument any ways. Can't I decide what to do with my life? I have been working towards a team leader (if I relocate) or a team manager (if I stay here) position. It seems like that decision would be a step backwards. Not only should it be my choice and that decision should be final... but it's also not a discussion I want to have at 8:30 in the morning.
Sunday, August 13, 2006
Mr. Professional
Steve continues to grate on my nerves. Fortunately I rarely have to see him, except the occassional ride. He did show up Friday night for no apparent reason. I missed the call and it was a garbled message. But there was no reason for him to just stop by. And I was never really comfortable when he used to do that. Heading into my third week of days so I'll be able to avoid him again this week.
On Saturday he did give me a ride into work. Once upon a time he was a performance coach. That was a short lived thought. He continues to claim that there was no reason for his demotion. Steve also said that recently he and Cheryl were out in the smoking area and she said she could find nothing in his file. Now, maybe it's just me, but the smoking area is not the right place to have that conversation. And all that proves is that it wasn't documented very well. Considering it was two years ago and the manager was fired not long afterwards that's not really a surprise.
He has said before that females complained... Hmm... seems to me HR has to take any complaints seriously. He also openly disgareed with the team manager that he was assigned to. Personally I do not find him approachable which is one of the things they look for when hiring performance coaches. And his troubleshooting leaves a lot to be desired. He seems to believe reinstallng the OS is often the solution.. while I rarely reinstall. Then there was the paintjob he decided to do on the van. He decided to paint slogans on the van about child abuse. As someone in leadership at the company that isn't really professional. I'm not sure if he was Mr. Negative before that... or after but it's definitely noticeable. Makes it hard to be put up for advancement. Either way... he absolutely denies that he had anything to do with it and thinks he was just demoted to set an example... He was a guinea pig, at least in his eyes.
Now he's up for Tier 2. That scares me just as much. For one, Steve has the attitude that he is the best tech support agent in the place, next to me any ways. He does give me a lot of credit but some of it is just flattery in the hopes that it will win him some points. I'm not fond of people with a god complex... and going on and on tht he deserves the position. I just had to send feedback on him for providing incorrect information, and for reinstalling unecessarily. So the second reason I am scared is that he would then be passing on his troubleshooting steps to other agents. I'm concerned about what his advice would be... I am also concerned that he'd be telling almost everyone to reinstall. The last reason I am scared is that he would then be downstairs. This one is not a big concern but with him upstairs I can really limit how often I see him. He knows I will not go upstairs since there is the possibility of seeing Mike. And currently he is not allowed downstairs after he had a shouting match with jarratt while on the floor.
Maybe I am just spiteful. I want him to be turned down just so that it knocks him down a peg or two. With him going for Tier 2 it makes me a little more reluctant to apply for another Tier 2 performance coach position... if he gets it any ways. But then I also donn't want to leave Christie's team. And right now I have to continue to prove myself for a while longer before I can apply for anything.
On Saturday he did give me a ride into work. Once upon a time he was a performance coach. That was a short lived thought. He continues to claim that there was no reason for his demotion. Steve also said that recently he and Cheryl were out in the smoking area and she said she could find nothing in his file. Now, maybe it's just me, but the smoking area is not the right place to have that conversation. And all that proves is that it wasn't documented very well. Considering it was two years ago and the manager was fired not long afterwards that's not really a surprise.
He has said before that females complained... Hmm... seems to me HR has to take any complaints seriously. He also openly disgareed with the team manager that he was assigned to. Personally I do not find him approachable which is one of the things they look for when hiring performance coaches. And his troubleshooting leaves a lot to be desired. He seems to believe reinstallng the OS is often the solution.. while I rarely reinstall. Then there was the paintjob he decided to do on the van. He decided to paint slogans on the van about child abuse. As someone in leadership at the company that isn't really professional. I'm not sure if he was Mr. Negative before that... or after but it's definitely noticeable. Makes it hard to be put up for advancement. Either way... he absolutely denies that he had anything to do with it and thinks he was just demoted to set an example... He was a guinea pig, at least in his eyes.
Now he's up for Tier 2. That scares me just as much. For one, Steve has the attitude that he is the best tech support agent in the place, next to me any ways. He does give me a lot of credit but some of it is just flattery in the hopes that it will win him some points. I'm not fond of people with a god complex... and going on and on tht he deserves the position. I just had to send feedback on him for providing incorrect information, and for reinstalling unecessarily. So the second reason I am scared is that he would then be passing on his troubleshooting steps to other agents. I'm concerned about what his advice would be... I am also concerned that he'd be telling almost everyone to reinstall. The last reason I am scared is that he would then be downstairs. This one is not a big concern but with him upstairs I can really limit how often I see him. He knows I will not go upstairs since there is the possibility of seeing Mike. And currently he is not allowed downstairs after he had a shouting match with jarratt while on the floor.
Maybe I am just spiteful. I want him to be turned down just so that it knocks him down a peg or two. With him going for Tier 2 it makes me a little more reluctant to apply for another Tier 2 performance coach position... if he gets it any ways. But then I also donn't want to leave Christie's team. And right now I have to continue to prove myself for a while longer before I can apply for anything.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Art of Manipulation
Manipulate can be defined as, "influence, manage, use, or control to one's advantage by artful or indirect means." To a certain degree I think we all use manipulation at times to get our way. It's effective... especially for some people.
I was reading an excerpt from the book "In Sheep's Clothing" and realized there was a lot of truth to it. We don't want to admit that we have been manipulated or that someone has control over us so it can be difficult to break free.
I know a few people that have perfected the art of manipulation. The worst part is that it almost always involves some type of faked interest or concern about my life... but they know I'll be the doormat. It's part of my nature to be the helper... I'll be there to listen no matter what it costs me.
Val does a great job of being manipulative. Because of her I spent 4 months living in fear... and she made it so that I couldn't trust anyone else. She also was the reason for my LOA. Meanwhile, while she was busy destroying me... I made a great therapist. Not that she was ever going to listen to my advice but misery loves company. Talk about a relationship built on power and control... with nothing in common. I never have MSN on these days because I don't want empty conversations about nothing. People kept telling me to break free of the relationship but I had trouble believing that she was like that. Whenever she was losing control just take on the sick role.
Steve is another person that has really perfected manipulation... I HATE him but I can't seem to break free. There are very few people that have hurt me as much as he has. But he knows what buttons to push and how to keep me from severing all ties permanently... or pressing charges for that matter. There's always an element of fear just under the surface. He preys on the family life I had and the fact I was victimized. I am sure he is trying to find a way to make sure I don't go to Niagara Falls permanently. He already commented on how there will be a lot of competetion... knowing that it would lead me to doubt myself. But I know that trick... He also made comments about management having an issue with me... but followed that with Niagara being the best thing for me... so that it sounds like he wants me to go... but in reality just wants me to doubt myself so that I don't get the job.
It all comes back to my mother though... She is the winner in that category. The job opportunity in Niagara Falls is a perfect example. She started by using the family as a reason not to go. Hmm.. that was one of my biggest motivators to go. When that didn't work then she went into the job I currently have. She seemed to think I'd want to do this forever. i love my job but no I don't want to do it forever. That one didn't work either. So then she had to go on the attack. Then she focused in on the competetion and how I couldn't do the job. Now she has no experience in the field... has never heard about my performance at work... and has no way of knowing whether or not I could do the job. I think she figured she won, or at least scored some points, with that one because she then let it go.
I was reading an excerpt from the book "In Sheep's Clothing" and realized there was a lot of truth to it. We don't want to admit that we have been manipulated or that someone has control over us so it can be difficult to break free.
I know a few people that have perfected the art of manipulation. The worst part is that it almost always involves some type of faked interest or concern about my life... but they know I'll be the doormat. It's part of my nature to be the helper... I'll be there to listen no matter what it costs me.
Val does a great job of being manipulative. Because of her I spent 4 months living in fear... and she made it so that I couldn't trust anyone else. She also was the reason for my LOA. Meanwhile, while she was busy destroying me... I made a great therapist. Not that she was ever going to listen to my advice but misery loves company. Talk about a relationship built on power and control... with nothing in common. I never have MSN on these days because I don't want empty conversations about nothing. People kept telling me to break free of the relationship but I had trouble believing that she was like that. Whenever she was losing control just take on the sick role.
Steve is another person that has really perfected manipulation... I HATE him but I can't seem to break free. There are very few people that have hurt me as much as he has. But he knows what buttons to push and how to keep me from severing all ties permanently... or pressing charges for that matter. There's always an element of fear just under the surface. He preys on the family life I had and the fact I was victimized. I am sure he is trying to find a way to make sure I don't go to Niagara Falls permanently. He already commented on how there will be a lot of competetion... knowing that it would lead me to doubt myself. But I know that trick... He also made comments about management having an issue with me... but followed that with Niagara being the best thing for me... so that it sounds like he wants me to go... but in reality just wants me to doubt myself so that I don't get the job.
It all comes back to my mother though... She is the winner in that category. The job opportunity in Niagara Falls is a perfect example. She started by using the family as a reason not to go. Hmm.. that was one of my biggest motivators to go. When that didn't work then she went into the job I currently have. She seemed to think I'd want to do this forever. i love my job but no I don't want to do it forever. That one didn't work either. So then she had to go on the attack. Then she focused in on the competetion and how I couldn't do the job. Now she has no experience in the field... has never heard about my performance at work... and has no way of knowing whether or not I could do the job. I think she figured she won, or at least scored some points, with that one because she then let it go.
Sunday, July 02, 2006
Ongoing Saga of Steve
Pat said recently that I need to sever my ties with Steve. I am well aware of that fact. I've known it for a long time. I wish it was that easy. I wish I could just say "Fuck you" and walk away. After all I've spent 2 years, and three relationships wondering how to get rid of him. But he's like a stray dog and keeps coming back. He never gets the hint. You'd think after the relationship with Adam... or the one with Tristan... he might've got the message. Or even when I picked up at the bar right in front of him. But he seems to have these delusions that I am interested in him and it never matters what I say.
It all started with me being naive and not knowing anyone in Peterborough. I thought he was just being nice. And I thought so little of myself that the possibility he was interested in me never even crossed my mind. I would give anything to go back in time and change things.
He's obsessive to the point of it being frightening. He still buys presents for his ex-wife on Valentines, Mother's Day, their anniversary, etc. That's kind of creepy. Especially since they haven't been together for 10 years. Let it go and move on with life. I also get the impression that he is in a mid-life crisis. He seems to want to be with someone who is much younger then himself. He's been interested in a few people.. all of which were at least a decade his junior... and all of them he had no chance with. But he always comes back to me and refuses to let go of that fantasy. That obsession is actually smothering and makes me feel claustrophobic. Once he moved in to be closer to me I couldn't go anywhere or do anything any more. I was just trapped in the apartment and this is part of the reason for my LOA.
It's not just the obsession though. I now understand why so many people stay in abusive relationships. They feel powerless... helpless... and are trapped. The abuser is controlling and manipulative and the victim feels guilty and may blame themselves for it. Take my situation for example. I blame myself for not realizing just what he was after and not getting away when I had the chance. Steve definitely uses manipulation to get what he wants. I am used to an unstable enviorment.. that is what I grew up with. And now Steve is recreating that. Instability and unpredictability... I feel like I am powerless. It's the same feelings I had living at home. The sense of pain... and hate. Every time I see him my skin crawls. Yet I continue to allow him to abuse me and allow him to control me.
I feel like I did just before I went to university. Trapped and alone with no way out. All I see is darkness and pain. There is no end in sight. It also brings with it anger and hate. But I don't know how to break free. The only way I broke free of my parents influence was them moving across the country. And now I seem to be back full circle since mom is in Peterborough. I get the impression the only way I would be free is to move far enough way that he couldn't come visit or death. It has gotten better since I moved but he still believes I want him and creates an extremely unstable environment where I still feel trapped.
The other reason I can't break free is my fear of him. It's not just the fact he looks like a terrorist. I've seen his temper and it was not pretty. I've also heard what he has said about ways he would hurt other people. Everything from breaking kneecaps to death. So I try not to piss him off. Plus there is the fact he has swords, dynamite, a 9 mm handgun and various other weapons. I get the impression that if I did walk away I would also need a restraining order.
It's not an easy situation to walk away from. If it was I would be long gone already. It is certainly not a healthy relationship and simply reminds me of life at home from my younger days. Maybe I need a ring on my finger although I'm not sure a marriage would even get rid of him. Adam and I were together for a year and I still couldn't get rid of Steve. Hell I think that if I decided to become a lesbian he'd just think I was bisexual and wanted to fuck him too.
So if anyone has ideas as to how I can get rid of him I'd love to hear them. I've spent about 3 years trying to figure that out and still haven't got anywhere. He's still hanging around and things have actually gotten progressively worse. But then most people don't understand what it's like to have a stalker.
It all started with me being naive and not knowing anyone in Peterborough. I thought he was just being nice. And I thought so little of myself that the possibility he was interested in me never even crossed my mind. I would give anything to go back in time and change things.
He's obsessive to the point of it being frightening. He still buys presents for his ex-wife on Valentines, Mother's Day, their anniversary, etc. That's kind of creepy. Especially since they haven't been together for 10 years. Let it go and move on with life. I also get the impression that he is in a mid-life crisis. He seems to want to be with someone who is much younger then himself. He's been interested in a few people.. all of which were at least a decade his junior... and all of them he had no chance with. But he always comes back to me and refuses to let go of that fantasy. That obsession is actually smothering and makes me feel claustrophobic. Once he moved in to be closer to me I couldn't go anywhere or do anything any more. I was just trapped in the apartment and this is part of the reason for my LOA.
It's not just the obsession though. I now understand why so many people stay in abusive relationships. They feel powerless... helpless... and are trapped. The abuser is controlling and manipulative and the victim feels guilty and may blame themselves for it. Take my situation for example. I blame myself for not realizing just what he was after and not getting away when I had the chance. Steve definitely uses manipulation to get what he wants. I am used to an unstable enviorment.. that is what I grew up with. And now Steve is recreating that. Instability and unpredictability... I feel like I am powerless. It's the same feelings I had living at home. The sense of pain... and hate. Every time I see him my skin crawls. Yet I continue to allow him to abuse me and allow him to control me.
I feel like I did just before I went to university. Trapped and alone with no way out. All I see is darkness and pain. There is no end in sight. It also brings with it anger and hate. But I don't know how to break free. The only way I broke free of my parents influence was them moving across the country. And now I seem to be back full circle since mom is in Peterborough. I get the impression the only way I would be free is to move far enough way that he couldn't come visit or death. It has gotten better since I moved but he still believes I want him and creates an extremely unstable environment where I still feel trapped.
The other reason I can't break free is my fear of him. It's not just the fact he looks like a terrorist. I've seen his temper and it was not pretty. I've also heard what he has said about ways he would hurt other people. Everything from breaking kneecaps to death. So I try not to piss him off. Plus there is the fact he has swords, dynamite, a 9 mm handgun and various other weapons. I get the impression that if I did walk away I would also need a restraining order.
It's not an easy situation to walk away from. If it was I would be long gone already. It is certainly not a healthy relationship and simply reminds me of life at home from my younger days. Maybe I need a ring on my finger although I'm not sure a marriage would even get rid of him. Adam and I were together for a year and I still couldn't get rid of Steve. Hell I think that if I decided to become a lesbian he'd just think I was bisexual and wanted to fuck him too.
So if anyone has ideas as to how I can get rid of him I'd love to hear them. I've spent about 3 years trying to figure that out and still haven't got anywhere. He's still hanging around and things have actually gotten progressively worse. But then most people don't understand what it's like to have a stalker.
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Stalker Steve
People always ask how things with Steve ever got to where they are today... and why I still accept rides from him. To answer that question I would have to go back to January of 2003. I had moved to Peterborough. I didn't know anyone. I just started working at Minacs. I was also staying on someone's couch. I was basically homeless for the second time in 4 months. When I was out in the smoking area I would talk to everyone. It's who I am... or at least who I was.... I can still remember the day my life changed. I was out grocery shopping and I ran into Steve out with his son. I stopped to talk, thinking nothing of it. He invited me out to dinner at some point. I thought it was just a friendly invitation (Have I mentioned how naive I can be?) so I figured why not. I started school and then was only working 3 days a week. Steve would always be there... I really should've got the hint... It took me about 6 months to realize it was more then just him being friendly. Especially when he started showing up randomly.
The problem is that I have seen his anger and I did not (and still don't) want to cross it. By the time I actually realized that he wanted more then friendship I was already between a rock and a hard place. I had no idea how to tell him I wasn't interested without potentially making him angry. Since then I have tried being subtle, tried being blunt, and been in three relationships but he hasn't got the hint. That obsession has now lasted for 3.5 years with no end in sight. He would follow me to the bar and didn't get the hint when I picked up in front of him and left with someone else.
In November of 2003 I started dating Jamie. I thought maybe then Steve would back off and take the hint. I was wrong. He didn't think the relationship would last so he continued to hit on me and just show up at the house. He also knew exactly what buttons to push and used that against me... He has always preyed on my weaknesses and my pain to his advantage.
Then I met Adam... I was with him for over a year. And while Steve didn't hit on me (he knew better) he was still right there... every time I went to work... if I went to the bar after work with Adam he would just show up. People dubbed him stalker Steve and wouldn't tell him where I was. They just ignored his presence. He definitely was persistent. And then his dream came true... I was single again. I was also in rough shape. Adam went psychotic... I wasn't sleeping... and was fucked in the head. Things were basically spiralling out of control.... And I needed to find somewhere to live. I was able to get an apartment in Times Square and then my roommate bailed on me. So I was out of time and desperate. Steve stepped in to bail me out... and agreed to put his name on the lease. At the time it wasn't a problem because I had found a new roommate. But now I was indebted to him and he knew , especially since in the process I ended up owing him money. By this point I had also given up on the possibility that he would take the hint and leave me alone. Nothing I could do or say would convince him that I was not interested.... since even 2 relationships hadn't done the trick.
He did end up using my debt against him. He knew that I absolutely hated being in debt to someone. It just reinforced what my parents had said... so if I owed someone money it gave them power over me. He ended up using that power to get me to have sex with him. Which, of course, made things 10x worse. Now he's really delusional and thinks I want him... which I don't. I think he's a predator...
Just before Tristan and I broke up Jarratt moved out. Steve saw it as the perfect opportunity to continue on with his fantasy and ability to control me. He moved in since his name was on the lease... and said he'd only be there for a month or so... until we could find a roommate. Tristan hated him with a passion. He saw him as a creep but I think there was also an element of jealousy, or perhaps insecurity. I tolerated him because in three years I still hadn't found a way to get rid of him. It was a sore point between us... but I couldn't kick Steve out. Steve is not the reason we broke up... but he is the primary reason we did not get back together. Tristan could not get past the fact I had slept with Steve... even though I didn't want to. And Steve wanted to make sure I didn't end up in another relationship.
It got to the point where I couldn't even leave the apartment. I was scared to go to the bar. I figured either he would follow me there or he would just wait until I was drunk and take advantage of me. When I drink I tend to forget those things called limits... and it gets me into trouble. I have no conscious thoughts and definitely am in no position to give consent. I'll remember everything that happens... but at the time my thought process is basically non existent. And considering I have a tendency to have alcohol poisoning... That was a bit of a tangent... but it has happened twice now (not including the three I've mentioned previously) including by Steve. I was trapped. And he was always there.
Just before my LOA I was at the end of my rope. I knew he was the reason why Tristan and I weren't together. I was feeling trapped. I preferred to be at work then at home. I wanted him the hell out of my apartment but he had turned it into a storage unit and I was afraid to let anyone else see it. I couldn't take it. Truth be told he was the reason I wanted to go back to the self-injury... which is the main reason I ended up on the LOA. The funny part is that he never even realized that he was the reason for it.
So that was how it started... and why do I still accept rides from him and tolerate him? Because I can't get rid of him as it is. So I might as well make use of him. Anyone that has seen what it's like has agreed with my assessment. Adam wants me to stay away from him as much as possible but also believes that he is dangerous and that I should be careful.
I never said my life was normal... Seems to be more of a soap opera. I wish I knew a way to get him to leave me alone... I really do. Moving has helped... so has the shifts I am on... but I still can't completely get away from him. I'm starting to think I would have to move far away to be free of him. I'm not even sure a ring on my finger would do the trick. I supposed there is one other option... but I don't think so.
The problem is that I have seen his anger and I did not (and still don't) want to cross it. By the time I actually realized that he wanted more then friendship I was already between a rock and a hard place. I had no idea how to tell him I wasn't interested without potentially making him angry. Since then I have tried being subtle, tried being blunt, and been in three relationships but he hasn't got the hint. That obsession has now lasted for 3.5 years with no end in sight. He would follow me to the bar and didn't get the hint when I picked up in front of him and left with someone else.
In November of 2003 I started dating Jamie. I thought maybe then Steve would back off and take the hint. I was wrong. He didn't think the relationship would last so he continued to hit on me and just show up at the house. He also knew exactly what buttons to push and used that against me... He has always preyed on my weaknesses and my pain to his advantage.
Then I met Adam... I was with him for over a year. And while Steve didn't hit on me (he knew better) he was still right there... every time I went to work... if I went to the bar after work with Adam he would just show up. People dubbed him stalker Steve and wouldn't tell him where I was. They just ignored his presence. He definitely was persistent. And then his dream came true... I was single again. I was also in rough shape. Adam went psychotic... I wasn't sleeping... and was fucked in the head. Things were basically spiralling out of control.... And I needed to find somewhere to live. I was able to get an apartment in Times Square and then my roommate bailed on me. So I was out of time and desperate. Steve stepped in to bail me out... and agreed to put his name on the lease. At the time it wasn't a problem because I had found a new roommate. But now I was indebted to him and he knew , especially since in the process I ended up owing him money. By this point I had also given up on the possibility that he would take the hint and leave me alone. Nothing I could do or say would convince him that I was not interested.... since even 2 relationships hadn't done the trick.
He did end up using my debt against him. He knew that I absolutely hated being in debt to someone. It just reinforced what my parents had said... so if I owed someone money it gave them power over me. He ended up using that power to get me to have sex with him. Which, of course, made things 10x worse. Now he's really delusional and thinks I want him... which I don't. I think he's a predator...
Just before Tristan and I broke up Jarratt moved out. Steve saw it as the perfect opportunity to continue on with his fantasy and ability to control me. He moved in since his name was on the lease... and said he'd only be there for a month or so... until we could find a roommate. Tristan hated him with a passion. He saw him as a creep but I think there was also an element of jealousy, or perhaps insecurity. I tolerated him because in three years I still hadn't found a way to get rid of him. It was a sore point between us... but I couldn't kick Steve out. Steve is not the reason we broke up... but he is the primary reason we did not get back together. Tristan could not get past the fact I had slept with Steve... even though I didn't want to. And Steve wanted to make sure I didn't end up in another relationship.
It got to the point where I couldn't even leave the apartment. I was scared to go to the bar. I figured either he would follow me there or he would just wait until I was drunk and take advantage of me. When I drink I tend to forget those things called limits... and it gets me into trouble. I have no conscious thoughts and definitely am in no position to give consent. I'll remember everything that happens... but at the time my thought process is basically non existent. And considering I have a tendency to have alcohol poisoning... That was a bit of a tangent... but it has happened twice now (not including the three I've mentioned previously) including by Steve. I was trapped. And he was always there.
Just before my LOA I was at the end of my rope. I knew he was the reason why Tristan and I weren't together. I was feeling trapped. I preferred to be at work then at home. I wanted him the hell out of my apartment but he had turned it into a storage unit and I was afraid to let anyone else see it. I couldn't take it. Truth be told he was the reason I wanted to go back to the self-injury... which is the main reason I ended up on the LOA. The funny part is that he never even realized that he was the reason for it.
So that was how it started... and why do I still accept rides from him and tolerate him? Because I can't get rid of him as it is. So I might as well make use of him. Anyone that has seen what it's like has agreed with my assessment. Adam wants me to stay away from him as much as possible but also believes that he is dangerous and that I should be careful.
I never said my life was normal... Seems to be more of a soap opera. I wish I knew a way to get him to leave me alone... I really do. Moving has helped... so has the shifts I am on... but I still can't completely get away from him. I'm starting to think I would have to move far away to be free of him. I'm not even sure a ring on my finger would do the trick. I supposed there is one other option... but I don't think so.
Friday, June 16, 2006
My Reality
So Steve is whining about his current financial state. Everyone I know is currently struggling financially. And if he really wanted to cut down on his debt then he would just sell some of his shit so that a) he might make some money and b) he wouldn't have to pay so much for storage fees. So forgive me if I am not all that sympathetic. I think there is a bit of a war brewing. I think he resents the fact he was paying rent at Times Square for 6 months since it did put him behind. But had he not moved in I would've had an easier time finding a roommate. He seems to want to guilt trip me though. He also seemed angry that I wasn't going to talk to him for three days. I'm on my weekend. The last thing I want to do is spend time with him. I just want to hide and not talk to anyone... well almost anyone. I will make certain exceptions to that. I have no reason to talk to him.
Then there is my reality. The first set of tests were done in February and were repeated a week later. Then 3 months later the tests were done again. Each time they have come up abnormal. I am still assuming low but on Monday I can confirm that. Having said that, I have to prepare myself for any possibility. It could be something fairly minor or something more serious. I even have to prepare myself for the possibility of a death sentence. I don't think it is that serious... but I still have to prepare myself for it.
So let me think about that.... should I feel bad for someone that lives at home, pays no rent but is still struggling financially? I've got my own shit to deal with.
Then there is my reality. The first set of tests were done in February and were repeated a week later. Then 3 months later the tests were done again. Each time they have come up abnormal. I am still assuming low but on Monday I can confirm that. Having said that, I have to prepare myself for any possibility. It could be something fairly minor or something more serious. I even have to prepare myself for the possibility of a death sentence. I don't think it is that serious... but I still have to prepare myself for it.
So let me think about that.... should I feel bad for someone that lives at home, pays no rent but is still struggling financially? I've got my own shit to deal with.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Unreliability
Some people you just can't rely on... Steve said that he would be here today so that I could send back my hard drive, mail a letter and pick up Coke since I am completely out. I got home at 6:30 and since I didn't know when he'd be here I didn't want to start doing something and then have him show up. Now it's 8:30 so he would've dropped Andrew off a while ago and there is no sign of him. For the rest of the week he'll be working nights so I won't be able to have him take me down to Shoppers to get it. The only good news is that Norm brought in a 12-pack of Coke to work so for now I am okay... as long as I don't want any at home any ways. And now that my evening is half over what should I do?
Sunday, March 05, 2006
Some People
So the road back to work has had mixed reactions. Now most people have been supportive of me returning to work and have been pretty encouraging. Of course a lot of people still ask me why I was off but it is becoming more routine. I'm also on a new team so it is like new beginnings.
Val will always be Val. Some things never change. She talks a lot about how glad she is I am back because she didn't like not being able to answer questions. Surprise surprise... it's not that I am back it's all about her. We won't even mention that she is part of the reason I was off work in the first place. Now she is just trying to play the political game. I prefer honesty to politics. But I am now across the call center from her so I can hide a little better. I don't have to talk to her at all. I am happy about that. She said she feels like she is being watched, and has been since I left work. With her little plea for an intervention it wouldn't really shock me if they are monitoring her. She also said that they were watching me on my return. I guess they weren't watching me all that closely. During my SPT time I took a few extra breaks. Once I was back on the phones I didn't do that. But I was in the back corner... kinda hard to watch me there. I don't need paranoia. Matt tried the same stunt with me and it backfired for him.
And then there is Steve. He still grates on my nerves something fierce. Now that I have given notice they can show my apartment as long as they give me notice. I am ashamed at his bedroom. Hell it was the main reason I didn't go looking for a roommate. Yes I keep the apartment pretty neat but that doesn't mean I am obsessive compuslive and demand that the apartment be spotless. I can tolerate some mess... but it looks like a storage unit. It's embarassing.
His attitides are somewhat entertaining. He's a self proclaimed "cheap bastard" and an "asshole." When you shop most at the dollar store and value village then yes I would have to say you're cheap. But when you stock up on useless shit just because you never know... then it's kind of pointless. He'll hear something that sounds like it might be a good deal and just have to pick it up. So now he's paying for three storage units and wonders why he never has any money. Hmm... get rid of some of that stuff and save up for what you really want. Just my thought any ways.
Apparently the building manger left a note on his van indicating he should call her. My guess is that it's about him volunteering to help clear out the storage units here and dispose of it... or it's about the one bedroom that is coming available. But his automatic reaction was to think they want him to become a superintendent. I think he has a bit of an ego there. Are they really going to ask someone to take over the position out of the blue? Especially when that person has indicated that they are moving out of the building. Wild guess but I am willing to bet that isn't why she wanted him to call.
Either way I am looking forward to a place on my own... away from him. And now I am away from Val as well... so things really are looking up.
Val will always be Val. Some things never change. She talks a lot about how glad she is I am back because she didn't like not being able to answer questions. Surprise surprise... it's not that I am back it's all about her. We won't even mention that she is part of the reason I was off work in the first place. Now she is just trying to play the political game. I prefer honesty to politics. But I am now across the call center from her so I can hide a little better. I don't have to talk to her at all. I am happy about that. She said she feels like she is being watched, and has been since I left work. With her little plea for an intervention it wouldn't really shock me if they are monitoring her. She also said that they were watching me on my return. I guess they weren't watching me all that closely. During my SPT time I took a few extra breaks. Once I was back on the phones I didn't do that. But I was in the back corner... kinda hard to watch me there. I don't need paranoia. Matt tried the same stunt with me and it backfired for him.
And then there is Steve. He still grates on my nerves something fierce. Now that I have given notice they can show my apartment as long as they give me notice. I am ashamed at his bedroom. Hell it was the main reason I didn't go looking for a roommate. Yes I keep the apartment pretty neat but that doesn't mean I am obsessive compuslive and demand that the apartment be spotless. I can tolerate some mess... but it looks like a storage unit. It's embarassing.
His attitides are somewhat entertaining. He's a self proclaimed "cheap bastard" and an "asshole." When you shop most at the dollar store and value village then yes I would have to say you're cheap. But when you stock up on useless shit just because you never know... then it's kind of pointless. He'll hear something that sounds like it might be a good deal and just have to pick it up. So now he's paying for three storage units and wonders why he never has any money. Hmm... get rid of some of that stuff and save up for what you really want. Just my thought any ways.
Apparently the building manger left a note on his van indicating he should call her. My guess is that it's about him volunteering to help clear out the storage units here and dispose of it... or it's about the one bedroom that is coming available. But his automatic reaction was to think they want him to become a superintendent. I think he has a bit of an ego there. Are they really going to ask someone to take over the position out of the blue? Especially when that person has indicated that they are moving out of the building. Wild guess but I am willing to bet that isn't why she wanted him to call.
Either way I am looking forward to a place on my own... away from him. And now I am away from Val as well... so things really are looking up.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Friends
Being off work for 7 weeks has given me time to reflect on friendships. It's also revealed true friendships vs fairweather friends. Some of that was not a suprise but other people showing their support actually was surprising.
Val
No real surprises here... She's partially responsible for me being off work. Val had a breakdown as a result of me being off work (what exactly did that have to do with her?) and was told to stay away from me. In some ways that is a blessing. During the first few days off she added a great deal of stress to my life. Ever time I talk to her it's small talk and I wouldn't say she has been all that supportive. I think she is too busy playing the political game and refuses to take sides. Not that I am asking her to take my side but repeating back the same rhetoric I heard from work is not supportive and doesn't help me.
Steve
Again not really a surprise. With me being off work I see him a lot more then I normally would. While he's backed off trying to get me to sleep with him he hasn't been the most supportive. I'll be honest. I don't care about the calls he took today. I don't really want to think about work. And he's been quite vocal about his opinions of Chris. I know he wants to divide us but I've got enough to deal with. I don't need a battle with him about it, especially not one that becomes a nightly occurance. I'm off work because they think I am depressed. The best thing people can do is help me relax and take my mind off work... not try and aggravate me. Not to mention his ability to add stress to my life over the financial situation... or mentioning looking for a new place to live when I can't even pay my bills, let alone come up with last month's rent to move elsewhere.
Christie
While I have not talked to her that much during my time off she has still been supportive and offered encouragement when I needed it. That is important since a lot of people have been quite negative so it was nice to have someone that was positive.
Tammy
I'm actually surprised about how supportive Tammy has been. Sure we talk at work but I didn't figure I'd hear from her until I came back to work. I was surprised when I saw a post-it note on my door with her phone number and email address. She even sent me a virtual card which was sweet. Then she kidnapped me to give me some time away. Okay so I wasn't really kidnapped. I did have a choice. But it meant a lot to me. Even after knowing why I was off work she didn't hold it against me or judge me for it. I appreciate people that are honest with me.
Adam
The one person involved not from work (aside from family any ways). He didn't even know about it until late in my leave of absence. But he has been pretty supportive and took me out to get some fresh air. I still find it kind of weird that one of the most supportive people in my life is an ex. But I know he still cares about me... maybe even more then he wants to admit. But I can tell him just about anything and he won't hold it against me. I know he'll be honest with his opinions. He lets me vent when I need to and sometimes that's all you need.
So this has been a learning experience. Let's see what I take from it when I do return to work.
Val
No real surprises here... She's partially responsible for me being off work. Val had a breakdown as a result of me being off work (what exactly did that have to do with her?) and was told to stay away from me. In some ways that is a blessing. During the first few days off she added a great deal of stress to my life. Ever time I talk to her it's small talk and I wouldn't say she has been all that supportive. I think she is too busy playing the political game and refuses to take sides. Not that I am asking her to take my side but repeating back the same rhetoric I heard from work is not supportive and doesn't help me.
Steve
Again not really a surprise. With me being off work I see him a lot more then I normally would. While he's backed off trying to get me to sleep with him he hasn't been the most supportive. I'll be honest. I don't care about the calls he took today. I don't really want to think about work. And he's been quite vocal about his opinions of Chris. I know he wants to divide us but I've got enough to deal with. I don't need a battle with him about it, especially not one that becomes a nightly occurance. I'm off work because they think I am depressed. The best thing people can do is help me relax and take my mind off work... not try and aggravate me. Not to mention his ability to add stress to my life over the financial situation... or mentioning looking for a new place to live when I can't even pay my bills, let alone come up with last month's rent to move elsewhere.
Christie
While I have not talked to her that much during my time off she has still been supportive and offered encouragement when I needed it. That is important since a lot of people have been quite negative so it was nice to have someone that was positive.
Tammy
I'm actually surprised about how supportive Tammy has been. Sure we talk at work but I didn't figure I'd hear from her until I came back to work. I was surprised when I saw a post-it note on my door with her phone number and email address. She even sent me a virtual card which was sweet. Then she kidnapped me to give me some time away. Okay so I wasn't really kidnapped. I did have a choice. But it meant a lot to me. Even after knowing why I was off work she didn't hold it against me or judge me for it. I appreciate people that are honest with me.
Adam
The one person involved not from work (aside from family any ways). He didn't even know about it until late in my leave of absence. But he has been pretty supportive and took me out to get some fresh air. I still find it kind of weird that one of the most supportive people in my life is an ex. But I know he still cares about me... maybe even more then he wants to admit. But I can tell him just about anything and he won't hold it against me. I know he'll be honest with his opinions. He lets me vent when I need to and sometimes that's all you need.
So this has been a learning experience. Let's see what I take from it when I do return to work.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Disabilities
They call Fibromyalgia the invisible disease because you don't appear to be sick but it's still debilitating. I think that Steve has almost taken on a parenting role since I left work. I get the impression he feels like I need him to take care of me. Ideally I just need a new roommate but any ways. Maybe it's because his son is autistic... otherwise I have no idea what is up with the change in behaviour. I can take care of myself and I refuse to see myself as disabled. Probably because I refuse to accept weakness in myself. Tell me I can't do something and I will prove you wrong. I also don't want to be treated as a child and in some ways that is how I feel. I feel like that is what he is doing and while I don't think it's intentional it's still annoying.
Friday, February 03, 2006
Negative Energy
Some days I wish I could just tune everyone out... and I do mean everyone. Being on a leave of absence means I don't have to listen to as many people but there still seems to be a lot of negative energy in the people that are talking to me. Well for once my mom didn't have anything negative to say.
Dad seemed to be pushing for me to forget the doctor I now have in Peterborough and contact my aunt's doctor to see if he would accept me. How about I just stay where I am and see what happens?
Val had to keep me updated on the happenings at work. I am off work. I really don't care that the server went down for a while. Nor do I care about the peer feedbacks and scope of support. It has no bearing on my life currently. I am not there and won't be back anytime soon. It is interesting that Jarratt is covering for me while I am off but aside from that I don't want to talk about work. Every conversation seems to be the same... work... horses... my battle with the doctors... it gets repetetive. For the most part I don't even like talking to her at the moment. Then again... she also went up to one of my agents to discuss me and that still bothers me.
Then there is Steve... He is the biggest source of negative energy. I get to hear all about his calls and what's going on at work. Every day he pushes me to request a new team when I do return to work and is quite open on his dislike for Chris. I hear about it all the time. Coming from him this is nothing new but it is tiresome. I don't want to hear it. It's pointless and is nothing more then his opinion.
While I may not agree with the decision that was made to send me on an LOA it has allowed me to actually get treatment for the Fibro and the fatigue that goes with it. This has been my chance to get better and come back at 100% something I haven't been in a long time. I just want to be able to recover in peace and would rather people be positive about it. If you don't have anything good to say then don't say anything at all.
I dread him being around because it is just such a negative experience. I enjoy the time alone with just Azrael. It's the only time I get peace and quiet. No one to give their opinion on the current situation. So far the most positive person has been Tammy who sent me a get well card. It meant a lot because for once someone wasn't giving their 2 cents... just encouraged me to get better. I need more people like that. :o)
I still have three weeks to go at a minimum before I am back to work. 2 weeks until I can get Dr. Caskey to sign the medical certificate. Between now and then I would really like to isolate myself... or at least be around positive people. Negativity is not going to help me recover and feel better. Positivity is where it's at.
Dad seemed to be pushing for me to forget the doctor I now have in Peterborough and contact my aunt's doctor to see if he would accept me. How about I just stay where I am and see what happens?
Val had to keep me updated on the happenings at work. I am off work. I really don't care that the server went down for a while. Nor do I care about the peer feedbacks and scope of support. It has no bearing on my life currently. I am not there and won't be back anytime soon. It is interesting that Jarratt is covering for me while I am off but aside from that I don't want to talk about work. Every conversation seems to be the same... work... horses... my battle with the doctors... it gets repetetive. For the most part I don't even like talking to her at the moment. Then again... she also went up to one of my agents to discuss me and that still bothers me.
Then there is Steve... He is the biggest source of negative energy. I get to hear all about his calls and what's going on at work. Every day he pushes me to request a new team when I do return to work and is quite open on his dislike for Chris. I hear about it all the time. Coming from him this is nothing new but it is tiresome. I don't want to hear it. It's pointless and is nothing more then his opinion.
While I may not agree with the decision that was made to send me on an LOA it has allowed me to actually get treatment for the Fibro and the fatigue that goes with it. This has been my chance to get better and come back at 100% something I haven't been in a long time. I just want to be able to recover in peace and would rather people be positive about it. If you don't have anything good to say then don't say anything at all.
I dread him being around because it is just such a negative experience. I enjoy the time alone with just Azrael. It's the only time I get peace and quiet. No one to give their opinion on the current situation. So far the most positive person has been Tammy who sent me a get well card. It meant a lot because for once someone wasn't giving their 2 cents... just encouraged me to get better. I need more people like that. :o)
I still have three weeks to go at a minimum before I am back to work. 2 weeks until I can get Dr. Caskey to sign the medical certificate. Between now and then I would really like to isolate myself... or at least be around positive people. Negativity is not going to help me recover and feel better. Positivity is where it's at.
Monday, January 30, 2006
Adding Fuel to the Fire
With me being off work Steve has left me alone a lot more... But he is still getting on my nerves. SS really does love adding fuel to the fire. He seems to want me to be constantly frustrated and angry. He knows all the buttons to push too so I fall into the trap. But if I go back angry and frustrated then I'll be right where I started from. The best thing I can do is make the most of my time off... rest... relax... work on Chaord Studios... maybe even go out to BC for a vacation. That way when I do come back I'll be in the right mindframe. I'm still battling the fatigue and some rest would definitely be nice.
Steve seems to see the whole thing as a malicious conspiracy from work. I don't think it was intended to be that way. My frustration really started with the doctor and the fact he doesn't believe fibromyalgia is real. That meant that I didn't necessary get the treatment I needed. So yeah that has been frustrating. It has really been the medical treatment that has been aggravating. At this point I am considering travelling out of town to see a doctor and get a referral to a specialist. I just want to beat the fatigue and return to work.
I made a bad decision that started the whole thing. I took a knife to work and gave it to someone so I wouldn't be tempted to use it. It was a bad judgement call. I will admit that. So I'm the one that started this chain of events.
Steve seems to like encouraging me to cut in response to my frustration... and the fact this is what started it all. It's definitely not what I need at the moment. I've made it to 9 months and want to continue that trend. I don't want to go back to it. And I really don't need him talking about it all the time... or being reminded when I get in the van. It's like an addiction and not one I want to go back to.
I guess I need to stop listening to Steve if I want to relax. Otherwise it's just going to be a tough LOA and just make me more frustrated. Time for me to go with selective hearing. I should be used to that.
Steve seems to see the whole thing as a malicious conspiracy from work. I don't think it was intended to be that way. My frustration really started with the doctor and the fact he doesn't believe fibromyalgia is real. That meant that I didn't necessary get the treatment I needed. So yeah that has been frustrating. It has really been the medical treatment that has been aggravating. At this point I am considering travelling out of town to see a doctor and get a referral to a specialist. I just want to beat the fatigue and return to work.
I made a bad decision that started the whole thing. I took a knife to work and gave it to someone so I wouldn't be tempted to use it. It was a bad judgement call. I will admit that. So I'm the one that started this chain of events.
Steve seems to like encouraging me to cut in response to my frustration... and the fact this is what started it all. It's definitely not what I need at the moment. I've made it to 9 months and want to continue that trend. I don't want to go back to it. And I really don't need him talking about it all the time... or being reminded when I get in the van. It's like an addiction and not one I want to go back to.
I guess I need to stop listening to Steve if I want to relax. Otherwise it's just going to be a tough LOA and just make me more frustrated. Time for me to go with selective hearing. I should be used to that.
Saturday, January 07, 2006
TGIF
I am extremely happy that it is Friday... thinking I should go offline and just hide for the remainder of the weekend. Might even relax if I did that. Been a rough week so far. Still not as bad as the beginning of 2005 though.
Ongoing issues with the roommate. I really need to find a new one, and fast. While I don't think I can get him out of my life permanently it would still help. At least then I wouldn't have to see him nearly as much. Have I mentioned how much I hate small talk? Looks like he hasn't got that message. Silence is valuable. I don't want you to talk just for the sake of talking. With most people it wouldn't bother me but he irks me more and more every day.
My sister was also in the hospital three times. So that has added some stress to my life, especially since they aren't really sure what's going on and why she is in so much pain. At this point they think it's an ulcer... caused by bacteria eating through the lining of the stomach. But it's a waiting game now, until they know more.
At work I got 2 verbal warnings within 2 days. Something I had managed to avoid for three years. The first one was for sales... or lack of. It's always been my weak point. The second one was for my tone. I admit it was a bad call. And it is something I struggle with. To a certain degree I think it's related to hearing "US desktop" when I answer the phone. I actually dread going on the phones for that reason... especially since they have increased the amount of time I am on the phones. It is a mental block for me. I worked hard to get away from that... going to portables and then Canada/Legacy and now am back where I started. Guess I am going to have to find some way to overcome that and have no idea how to. So it has me feeling a little discouraged at the moment. If that wasn't enough, I also found out that I didn't meet my mandate last month because of a scheduling conflict with one of my agents. I came in early twice to do the ace and was unable to complete it.
Needless to say this week has not been so great for me. I was really tempted to go back to the cutting. Then at least I'd feel nothing at all. That would be better then this uneasy, restless feeling I currently have. I knew better so I gave the knife away. I knew if I didn't I would end up using it. Then I made the mistake of telling Val who had it since she was concerned I might go back to it. I didn't think she would go to that person and try and start an intervention. Do I look like I need an intervention? A stiff drink maybe.. but not an intervention. I got rid of the knife so that I didn't use it. Isn't that good enough? I guess not. Now it's just become a drama. And made me realize, for the last time, that Val cannot be trusted and has no concept of the word confidentiality. I also ended up putting the other person into the middle of it and that wasn't fair to her. I really didn't want that to happen and had hoped that if Val was concerned about me that she would come to me, not go to someone else.
So let's do a quick summary of the week:
Work: Questionable
Friends: Lost one
Family: Sister has ongoing medical issues
Home: Still have the stalker/roommate with no end in sight
Yep it has been a great week. I did finally get some needed sleep today. It was pretty much the high point for me. Overall I am doing better now. I have a couple of days to rest and Steve is back at work so I won't see him quite as much as I had been. I just needed some time off to clear my head and relax. Been crazy with the holidays. Seeing my family always takes a toll on me. So does the Christmas season and I didn't feel like I had much time off around then. In spite of everything I am feeling a lot more positive now. All I need now is to find a roommate... then things will really be looking up. And figure out how to get over the mental block at work. But things could be worse. I could be repeating 2005... or I could be unemployed.... homeless... etc.
"No day but today" (Rent)
Ongoing issues with the roommate. I really need to find a new one, and fast. While I don't think I can get him out of my life permanently it would still help. At least then I wouldn't have to see him nearly as much. Have I mentioned how much I hate small talk? Looks like he hasn't got that message. Silence is valuable. I don't want you to talk just for the sake of talking. With most people it wouldn't bother me but he irks me more and more every day.
My sister was also in the hospital three times. So that has added some stress to my life, especially since they aren't really sure what's going on and why she is in so much pain. At this point they think it's an ulcer... caused by bacteria eating through the lining of the stomach. But it's a waiting game now, until they know more.
At work I got 2 verbal warnings within 2 days. Something I had managed to avoid for three years. The first one was for sales... or lack of. It's always been my weak point. The second one was for my tone. I admit it was a bad call. And it is something I struggle with. To a certain degree I think it's related to hearing "US desktop" when I answer the phone. I actually dread going on the phones for that reason... especially since they have increased the amount of time I am on the phones. It is a mental block for me. I worked hard to get away from that... going to portables and then Canada/Legacy and now am back where I started. Guess I am going to have to find some way to overcome that and have no idea how to. So it has me feeling a little discouraged at the moment. If that wasn't enough, I also found out that I didn't meet my mandate last month because of a scheduling conflict with one of my agents. I came in early twice to do the ace and was unable to complete it.
Needless to say this week has not been so great for me. I was really tempted to go back to the cutting. Then at least I'd feel nothing at all. That would be better then this uneasy, restless feeling I currently have. I knew better so I gave the knife away. I knew if I didn't I would end up using it. Then I made the mistake of telling Val who had it since she was concerned I might go back to it. I didn't think she would go to that person and try and start an intervention. Do I look like I need an intervention? A stiff drink maybe.. but not an intervention. I got rid of the knife so that I didn't use it. Isn't that good enough? I guess not. Now it's just become a drama. And made me realize, for the last time, that Val cannot be trusted and has no concept of the word confidentiality. I also ended up putting the other person into the middle of it and that wasn't fair to her. I really didn't want that to happen and had hoped that if Val was concerned about me that she would come to me, not go to someone else.
So let's do a quick summary of the week:
Work: Questionable
Friends: Lost one
Family: Sister has ongoing medical issues
Home: Still have the stalker/roommate with no end in sight
Yep it has been a great week. I did finally get some needed sleep today. It was pretty much the high point for me. Overall I am doing better now. I have a couple of days to rest and Steve is back at work so I won't see him quite as much as I had been. I just needed some time off to clear my head and relax. Been crazy with the holidays. Seeing my family always takes a toll on me. So does the Christmas season and I didn't feel like I had much time off around then. In spite of everything I am feeling a lot more positive now. All I need now is to find a roommate... then things will really be looking up. And figure out how to get over the mental block at work. But things could be worse. I could be repeating 2005... or I could be unemployed.... homeless... etc.
"No day but today" (Rent)
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
Predator & Prey
"Stare at my face stare in my soul" (Disturbed) I already know what my eyes say. They show the pain and the dispair... and the hopelessness I currently feel. Been a long time since I really felt this way. I think the last time was when I still lived at home. I felt like there was no way out... worst feeling in the world. The last time I became really self destructive. Only time will tell what will happen this time around.
I had a good day at work... I was happy there. It's the coming home I hate. And no that's not because I am a workaholic... or because I hate my place. I love my apartment. It's the roommate situation that has me feeling this way.
Let me take a trip back in time here... I remember the days when I was at the Junction every Saturday night. I was social and smiled a lot more. Now I am just a caged animal, trapped at home. Back in my social days I was dating Adam. I stopped going out quite as much but on Friday nights we were usually at the pool tournament at the Sin Bin. Steve would follow me down there so even though I was in a serious relationship he didn't quite give up. Then in February, 2005, the relationship ended. Steve had me right where he wanted me. I was afraid because of Adam's delusions, had a breakdown, and needed a way out. Steve wanted to be the knight in shining armour... bail me out.. and make me owe him. But I was desperate. I needed money to pay first and last.
Biggest mistake of my life. I haven't stopped paying for that one. Since his name is on the lease I can't get rid of him. I did have a roommate until October. Then he moved out and SS saw an opportunity there as well. I was dating Tristan but he wanted to keep his hold on me. So he moved in. Keeps teling me he is moving out and then brings more stuff over instead. He is the main reason Tristan and I didn't get back together.
It takes a lot of energy out of you to deal with this... especially when the obsession has gone on for three years now. I have no life any more. I barely even leave the building. It's been almost a week since I left the building at all... and even then I was at the chiropractor's and running errands. I'm a shadow of my former self. I can't go anywhere. If I go to the bar he'll follow... and if I can escape that he'll still take advantage of me being intoxicated. It's a lose lose situation. So instead I hide at home.
Something has to change though. Or I am going to end up self destructing... one way or another. I can't keep going like this. It's slowly killing me. I keep looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. All I see is more darkness. He is the predator and I am the prey.
I had a good day at work... I was happy there. It's the coming home I hate. And no that's not because I am a workaholic... or because I hate my place. I love my apartment. It's the roommate situation that has me feeling this way.
Let me take a trip back in time here... I remember the days when I was at the Junction every Saturday night. I was social and smiled a lot more. Now I am just a caged animal, trapped at home. Back in my social days I was dating Adam. I stopped going out quite as much but on Friday nights we were usually at the pool tournament at the Sin Bin. Steve would follow me down there so even though I was in a serious relationship he didn't quite give up. Then in February, 2005, the relationship ended. Steve had me right where he wanted me. I was afraid because of Adam's delusions, had a breakdown, and needed a way out. Steve wanted to be the knight in shining armour... bail me out.. and make me owe him. But I was desperate. I needed money to pay first and last.
Biggest mistake of my life. I haven't stopped paying for that one. Since his name is on the lease I can't get rid of him. I did have a roommate until October. Then he moved out and SS saw an opportunity there as well. I was dating Tristan but he wanted to keep his hold on me. So he moved in. Keeps teling me he is moving out and then brings more stuff over instead. He is the main reason Tristan and I didn't get back together.
It takes a lot of energy out of you to deal with this... especially when the obsession has gone on for three years now. I have no life any more. I barely even leave the building. It's been almost a week since I left the building at all... and even then I was at the chiropractor's and running errands. I'm a shadow of my former self. I can't go anywhere. If I go to the bar he'll follow... and if I can escape that he'll still take advantage of me being intoxicated. It's a lose lose situation. So instead I hide at home.
Something has to change though. Or I am going to end up self destructing... one way or another. I can't keep going like this. It's slowly killing me. I keep looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. All I see is more darkness. He is the predator and I am the prey.
Monday, January 02, 2006
SS
I think it's about time I count how many blogs have been posted about my number 1 fan... I think the count is up to 6... out of 15. Let's recap... there was "Obsession", "Obsession Part 2", "The Sound of Silence", "Some People", "The Saga Continues", and "Aggravated". I almost feel like I need someone new to annoy me so I can write about them instead. The song "Getting Away with Murder" also seems appropriate right now.
I thought I'd do something fun and make a top ten list. Are you ready???
I thought I'd do something fun and make a top ten list. Are you ready???
Top 15 Ways Steve Annoys Me
- Constant offers of sex. If I said no before I am going to keep saying it.
- Hanging out on my floor when I am on my computer. If I am in my room it means I am either working or hiding.
- Trying to create a rift between me and my TL. You really don't have to share your opinion. I don't want to hear it.
- Not closing the door when in the bathroom. I am your roommate, not your wife. Close the door!
- The fact his room is more like a storage unit then a bedroom. Do you really need 3 computers in your room?
- The fact he thinks he's better then everyone else at work. We're all replaceable. Get over yourself.
- He's cheap. Favourite stores are Value Village and the Dollar Store.
- Telling Dwayne he could stay here without even consulting me. But hey he did get approval from the building management.
- Hanging out at my desk while at work after I have said repeatedly that I don't want anyone stopping by.
- The fact this obsession has gone on for 3 years now
- His statement that the reason he can't get dates is "because of the wolves in sheeps clothing", the nice guys that are really rapists (which he seemed to believe was every guy that appeared nice)
- His van. Need I say more?
- His constant need to talk. Sometimes silence is good, especially when you end up trying to look like a expert on a subject you know nothing about. Leave the video editing to me... and don't try and start a debate.
- The fact I feel like I can't even leave the house... If I drink he'll try and take advatange of it. I am pretty much restricted now... to work and home. I think I need a girls night out soon.
- Have I mentioned the constant offers of sex?
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Aggravated
My day started off reasonably well. Alarm was going off at 11:30. I didn't really want to get out of bed but knew that family would be arriving soon. Normally on my days off I sleep until 1:00, sometimes even later. I know you are probably wondering how in the world I can sleep in that late. With the Fibromyalgia I don't tend to get a lot of sleep, at least not restful sleep. And I really don't hit deep sleep until after about 5 a.m. for some reason. So on my days off I am trying to catch up. For more on how the visit went see "Family Christmas."
I got home around 4:30. Steve said he'd call around dinner time to see if my family was still here. He knew I had a few errands to run. Finally called around 5:30 and said he'd be back here at 7. That didn't leave me with enough time to do laundry... or watch a movie. So I put all of today's photos on my computer, updated my blog and basically just killed time. At 7:15 he called and hadn't even left the house yet to take his son home. By the time he gets here it will be about 8:00 and there is no point in trying to get errands done. Needless to say I am a little aggravated right now. I just wasted the entire day as a result and it means that I don't get to relax tomorrow. I have to do everything then. I knew I should've just called a cab and gone down there myself.
He still wanted to try and get them done. I do not want to try and make it to FutureShop and Zellers with less then an hour before the stores close. For one, the stores are going to be busy and just aggravate me further. I'd be watching the clock and it just wouldn't be enjoyable. I used to work in retail so I know they don't want you there as the store is closing. Now I am trying to decide if I should start on laundry or just add it to the ever growing list of things to do tomorrow... like go shopping... go to the chiropractor... get my hair cut... I was hoping to have very little to do tomorrow so that I could feel like I had some time off. It was a nice thought.
So Steve should be here shortly and I have no desire whatsoever for him to be here. He's already pissed me off... can't he at least leave me alone for a while too? But no... Fanboy has to make an appearance... tell me all about his day... and just aggravate me further. Maybe I'll go to bed early tonight just to escape.
I got home around 4:30. Steve said he'd call around dinner time to see if my family was still here. He knew I had a few errands to run. Finally called around 5:30 and said he'd be back here at 7. That didn't leave me with enough time to do laundry... or watch a movie. So I put all of today's photos on my computer, updated my blog and basically just killed time. At 7:15 he called and hadn't even left the house yet to take his son home. By the time he gets here it will be about 8:00 and there is no point in trying to get errands done. Needless to say I am a little aggravated right now. I just wasted the entire day as a result and it means that I don't get to relax tomorrow. I have to do everything then. I knew I should've just called a cab and gone down there myself.
He still wanted to try and get them done. I do not want to try and make it to FutureShop and Zellers with less then an hour before the stores close. For one, the stores are going to be busy and just aggravate me further. I'd be watching the clock and it just wouldn't be enjoyable. I used to work in retail so I know they don't want you there as the store is closing. Now I am trying to decide if I should start on laundry or just add it to the ever growing list of things to do tomorrow... like go shopping... go to the chiropractor... get my hair cut... I was hoping to have very little to do tomorrow so that I could feel like I had some time off. It was a nice thought.
So Steve should be here shortly and I have no desire whatsoever for him to be here. He's already pissed me off... can't he at least leave me alone for a while too? But no... Fanboy has to make an appearance... tell me all about his day... and just aggravate me further. Maybe I'll go to bed early tonight just to escape.
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
The Saga Continues
Some days I just want to go postal... But then the anger is usually directed at one person: the obsessed stalker that seems to have a number of names these days. Came home tonight just after I got here with company. Normally I wouldn't care but I've got a migraine. And the last time he had company here he told me they were staying indefinitely. I don't really want to entertain and last time I checked this is still my apartment. I suppose the good news is that he won't be hitting on me. So there is one plus. I told him I was on legacy all night and then he tried to tell me that they can't schedule when he is not around and really had a superiority complex. Now I've done his job and beat him at every statistic. So spare me the god speech. Seems to think he deserves Tier 2 as well. Just because you have been here for five years does not make you the best agent in the place. He was once a performance coach and didn't even make it through the probationary period. Maybe that should tell him something.
Found something else out that was quite interesting. Natasha became a performance coach and we talk on occassion. Steve was telling me that he helped her move and then she didn't talk to him for 6 months and didn't understand why. I found out the reason the other day. He asked her out on a date after helping her move. Hmm... guess that explains why she wasn't talking to him, didn't want to send the wrong message to him. But I guess he forgot that part of it.
I just wish I knew some way of getting rid of him. I don't even think a ring on my finger would do the trick. Mind you a shot gun wedding does have a certain appeal to it *lol* With a stalker around it's not like I can meet someone as it is. I pretty much stay at home these days... too scared to go out. If I go out and he knows where I am he'll just track me down... and hope I drink enough to take advantage of the situation. And he makes sure no guy will be within 10 feet of me. So the night ends up being a wash. Not to say I can't get myself into trouble when I am drinking alone 'cuz I do that quite well too. But a little freedom would be nice, just to be able to go out and actually have some fun once in a while. I'm trying to remember what fun actually is.
Any ways... time for me to get some food. The headache isn't quite as bad so I better grab something to eat.
Found something else out that was quite interesting. Natasha became a performance coach and we talk on occassion. Steve was telling me that he helped her move and then she didn't talk to him for 6 months and didn't understand why. I found out the reason the other day. He asked her out on a date after helping her move. Hmm... guess that explains why she wasn't talking to him, didn't want to send the wrong message to him. But I guess he forgot that part of it.
I just wish I knew some way of getting rid of him. I don't even think a ring on my finger would do the trick. Mind you a shot gun wedding does have a certain appeal to it *lol* With a stalker around it's not like I can meet someone as it is. I pretty much stay at home these days... too scared to go out. If I go out and he knows where I am he'll just track me down... and hope I drink enough to take advantage of the situation. And he makes sure no guy will be within 10 feet of me. So the night ends up being a wash. Not to say I can't get myself into trouble when I am drinking alone 'cuz I do that quite well too. But a little freedom would be nice, just to be able to go out and actually have some fun once in a while. I'm trying to remember what fun actually is.
Any ways... time for me to get some food. The headache isn't quite as bad so I better grab something to eat.
Saturday, December 24, 2005
Some People
This is basically me venting about someone's behaviour. These days I am not sure I have anything good to say about the stalker. He just gets on my nerves. But right now it's the fact he is cheap and a pack rat. there is nothing wrong with looking for deals when it's something you were looking for but stocking up on items you will likely never need just seems like a waste of time to me. He pays for three storage units because he has so much junk and then wonders why he doesn't have any money. At one point he bought 4 large speakers out of a van because he thought they'd come in handy. They were worthless. If you're going to be cheap at least be smart with your money. The other day he was saying that he didn't give some people on his team Christmas cards because he barely knew them. Well it's a good way to get to know them. I could understand that if he was buying Hallmark cards, or even boxes of cards from a store like Zellers... But he got them at the dollar store and had cards left over. So it costs you $2 to give a card to each member of your team. What is the problem with that? But then I don't believe money is the be all and end all. I'll spend the money if I think it's going to put a smile on someone's face. I spent $20 on a joke gift for my supervisor just because I figured she'd get a laugh out of it. I guess it's just a difference in opinions and I won't sacrifice quality for quantity. I'm also not a pack rat... in fact I try and keep only what is important to me or what I have a need for. I can't say the iron I just bought is important to me but I do have a need for it. My dress pants don't look so nice otherwise *lol* Okay I am done venting now.
Obsession Part 2
The comments continue... or is it the nightmare? The same person I was writing about before is back with more comments. First it started with someone from work not speaking to him and avoiding him. He was talking about how you get to know someone over time and you think you know them. No she was just smarter then I was and got away. So that put him in a bad mood. I was reminded of someone else I know... And of me spending 3 months in fear. Too bad it didn't end there. He bought a candle for his ex-wife and started talking about romance and if that is what I want then he'll give it to me. Well he said a lot more then that I just won't repeat it. He thinks he knows me. I'm not sure I would really say anyone knows me. People see what I want them to... whichever mask I am wearing for that moment. Guess he doesn't realize that I tolerate him out of fear... and because he has power... each day wishing to be free. I'm still wondering how I got to this place... and how I'll get out of it. Some days I think you could write a soap opera about my life.
Heather
Heather
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Obsession
Maybe it's just me... but if I ever found myself saying to a guy "Every time we have sex you are hammered" I'd think it was time to cut my losses and walk away. What makes that worse is that I just had that conversation but in reverse. That was followed by the offer of sex. No... I am still sober. As bad as that sounds I have no interest in this person, as anyone who knows me is well aware. But I have tried being subtle and I have tried being blunt and nothing sinks in. Neither has the 3 relationships during the time in which he has been obsessing over me. I guess even the fact I have to be drunk for him to take advantage of the situation doesn't even phase him. Some people see only what they want to.
From a legal standpoint someone who is intoxicated cannot give consent. I can drink until I have alcohol poisoning. I stop drinking when the bar closes. Might explain why I don't go out very often these days. I tend to forget these things called limits. There is no sense of reason left. While I may not appear intoxicated and can still hold a conversation I am still not in a position to be thinking clearly, or thinking at all. This is a large part of the reason I have an impending court case. Partially my own stupidity... but guess what... if I say no and pass out... that is not an open invitation. So for those people on the fence about that situation... I did not ask for this. Drugs and alcohol are not a defense on his part.
From a moral standpoint that's just wrong. If someone is drunk, guy or girl, it's just a bad idea all the way around. It it happens once okay fine... mistakes happen... bad call. But if you are looking for them to be drunk so that you can take advantage of the situation... what does that say about you?
What makes the entire conversation even more interesting is that the other day the same person tried to tell me the reason they don't get any dates is because of the nice guys who are out there. The ones he called rapists.... the wolves in sheeps clothing. I made the mistake of saying that I think Mike made a mistake and I don't think he meant for it to happen. This person then said he didn't believe that for an instance. Yet he has no problem with me being drunk so he can try and take advantage of the situation... a predator waiting for his opportunity. Which one is worse?
Looks like another sleepless night for me since I can't get this out of my head now. Just proves to me once again what type of person he really is. *Sigh* Still no way out of this situation. Three years and I still haven't found a way. Time to crawl back into bed and forget this nightmare.
From a legal standpoint someone who is intoxicated cannot give consent. I can drink until I have alcohol poisoning. I stop drinking when the bar closes. Might explain why I don't go out very often these days. I tend to forget these things called limits. There is no sense of reason left. While I may not appear intoxicated and can still hold a conversation I am still not in a position to be thinking clearly, or thinking at all. This is a large part of the reason I have an impending court case. Partially my own stupidity... but guess what... if I say no and pass out... that is not an open invitation. So for those people on the fence about that situation... I did not ask for this. Drugs and alcohol are not a defense on his part.
From a moral standpoint that's just wrong. If someone is drunk, guy or girl, it's just a bad idea all the way around. It it happens once okay fine... mistakes happen... bad call. But if you are looking for them to be drunk so that you can take advantage of the situation... what does that say about you?
What makes the entire conversation even more interesting is that the other day the same person tried to tell me the reason they don't get any dates is because of the nice guys who are out there. The ones he called rapists.... the wolves in sheeps clothing. I made the mistake of saying that I think Mike made a mistake and I don't think he meant for it to happen. This person then said he didn't believe that for an instance. Yet he has no problem with me being drunk so he can try and take advantage of the situation... a predator waiting for his opportunity. Which one is worse?
Looks like another sleepless night for me since I can't get this out of my head now. Just proves to me once again what type of person he really is. *Sigh* Still no way out of this situation. Three years and I still haven't found a way. Time to crawl back into bed and forget this nightmare.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
