Extended Absence

So it has been an extremely long time since I posted here... It really is hard to keep up with 2 different blogs. And that doesn't even include email, Facebook usage, and everything else that I am doing. Usually I find that I retreat to this blog during the tough times as a way to vent all those things that are really personal to me. But part of my LOA (leave of absence) has been because things have actually been looking up in my world. So I guess the absence is acceptable then. :) I won with the labour board, started a new job, and have had contact with my biological mother. What a year... I still have so much to say but this is still the inner voice.... And as of late I haven't felt like I need to hide behind anything. Well okay that is right up until the holidays any ways. So if I have time later maybe I will blog about that. But at the moment I am at work and might want to focus on that.

Negative Energy

Some days I wish I could just tune everyone out... and I do mean everyone. Being on a leave of absence means I don't have to listen to as many people but there still seems to be a lot of negative energy in the people that are talking to me. Well for once my mom didn't have anything negative to say.

Dad seemed to be pushing for me to forget the doctor I now have in Peterborough and contact my aunt's doctor to see if he would accept me. How about I just stay where I am and see what happens?

Val had to keep me updated on the happenings at work. I am off work. I really don't care that the server went down for a while. Nor do I care about the peer feedbacks and scope of support. It has no bearing on my life currently. I am not there and won't be back anytime soon. It is interesting that Jarratt is covering for me while I am off but aside from that I don't want to talk about work. Every conversation seems to be the same... work... horses... my battle with the doctors... it gets repetetive. For the most part I don't even like talking to her at the moment. Then again... she also went up to one of my agents to discuss me and that still bothers me.

Then there is Steve... He is the biggest source of negative energy. I get to hear all about his calls and what's going on at work. Every day he pushes me to request a new team when I do return to work and is quite open on his dislike for Chris. I hear about it all the time. Coming from him this is nothing new but it is tiresome. I don't want to hear it. It's pointless and is nothing more then his opinion.

While I may not agree with the decision that was made to send me on an LOA it has allowed me to actually get treatment for the Fibro and the fatigue that goes with it. This has been my chance to get better and come back at 100% something I haven't been in a long time. I just want to be able to recover in peace and would rather people be positive about it. If you don't have anything good to say then don't say anything at all.

I dread him being around because it is just such a negative experience. I enjoy the time alone with just Azrael. It's the only time I get peace and quiet. No one to give their opinion on the current situation. So far the most positive person has been Tammy who sent me a get well card. It meant a lot because for once someone wasn't giving their 2 cents... just encouraged me to get better. I need more people like that. :o)

I still have three weeks to go at a minimum before I am back to work. 2 weeks until I can get Dr. Caskey to sign the medical certificate. Between now and then I would really like to isolate myself... or at least be around positive people. Negativity is not going to help me recover and feel better. Positivity is where it's at.

I Stand Alone, Part 2

The reason I included that song is because that is how I have felt most of my life. I have always felt like I stood alone. I had to be the strong one. I had to deal with everything alone. Apparently, when I was younger I once said "I have to get my toughness back." To a certain degree it has always been me against the world. I've spent my entire life trying to prove my parents wrong... trying to prove I wasn't nothing. The hardest person to convince is myself. I still see myself as a failure... as someone who will never amount to anything. That might be why I am having a tough time with the LOA. I have a tough time admitting that I can't do everything by myself... that every once in a while I do need help.

That doesn't mean I think I suffer from clinical depression. I'm actually more likely to have unresolved anger issues. I trusted my parents and they lied to me. I had to be strong to protect myself. And like most abused kids I learned to protect the family secret. Trust no one.

My time off has brought with it a wide range of emotions. There has definiltely been anger at having my hand forced and being told I need to see a psychiatrist. There has also been frustration over the way treatment has gone so far. When I went into psychology it was with the belief that pills are not always the answer. After I went to the walk-in clinic there was also discouragement with the realization that fibromyalgia would never be treated in Peterborough. After my visit with the initial doctor there was also resentment. He minimized what I was going through and said that "Fibromyalgia is typically a symptom of a psychiatric disorder." There was further anger when they put my health in jeopardy with the treatment. Undoubtledtly, there have also been symptoms of depression since I am not being treated for the Fibromyalgia and it feels like I am being blocked at every turn. Nothing has gone right so far and it's hard to remain hopeful.

I'm not saying that counselling would not be a good thing. In 27 years there have been a lot of rough times... and a lot of things undealt with. I guess it's about time I started dealing with them. I've done well at avoidance but that only takes you so far. You can only run for so long before it catches up with you. Looks like it finally caught up with me. So this isn't entirely a bad thing. It's forcing me to deal with the ghosts of the past.

Adding Fuel to the Fire

With me being off work Steve has left me alone a lot more... But he is still getting on my nerves. SS really does love adding fuel to the fire. He seems to want me to be constantly frustrated and angry. He knows all the buttons to push too so I fall into the trap. But if I go back angry and frustrated then I'll be right where I started from. The best thing I can do is make the most of my time off... rest... relax... work on Chaord Studios... maybe even go out to BC for a vacation. That way when I do come back I'll be in the right mindframe. I'm still battling the fatigue and some rest would definitely be nice.

Steve seems to see the whole thing as a malicious conspiracy from work. I don't think it was intended to be that way. My frustration really started with the doctor and the fact he doesn't believe fibromyalgia is real. That meant that I didn't necessary get the treatment I needed. So yeah that has been frustrating. It has really been the medical treatment that has been aggravating. At this point I am considering travelling out of town to see a doctor and get a referral to a specialist. I just want to beat the fatigue and return to work.

I made a bad decision that started the whole thing. I took a knife to work and gave it to someone so I wouldn't be tempted to use it. It was a bad judgement call. I will admit that. So I'm the one that started this chain of events.

Steve seems to like encouraging me to cut in response to my frustration... and the fact this is what started it all. It's definitely not what I need at the moment. I've made it to 9 months and want to continue that trend. I don't want to go back to it. And I really don't need him talking about it all the time... or being reminded when I get in the van. It's like an addiction and not one I want to go back to.

I guess I need to stop listening to Steve if I want to relax. Otherwise it's just going to be a tough LOA and just make me more frustrated. Time for me to go with selective hearing. I should be used to that.

Grab Bag of Emotions

I'm not sure how I should be feeling at the moment. I'm still trying to see this as a positive thing... that Chris did it for me. It is giving me time off to get some rest and do some work for Chaord Studios. If I'm ever going to do anything with it now would be the time. I've been doing some work on some new UFC DVDs. It will also be a good chance to do some web site design. So that is a good thing.

But it's also extremely frustrating. I feel like I am getting fucked, without a kiss to go with it. My parents can't even force me to get treatment so why is work able to? They refuse to allow me to go back to work. I've said all along that all I needed was sleep and they finally agreed. But in the last 3 weeks I have seen 3 doctors, the crisis nurse twice, and 2 psychiatrists. No one has indicated that I am a threat to myself or to anyone else... so what is the problem? I feel like my hands are tied and there is nothing I can do about it. It's pretty frustrating.

Off and on there are also flashes of anger. I'm angry about the way I've been treated... forced off work... forced onto treatment... not allowed to return. I might as well have gone through with the self-injury since that is where it started.

Lastly, there is also discouragement. I feel like I am fighting a losing battle. No one seems to be listening. The doctor told me that the "Fibromyalgia is a symptom of an underlying psychiatric condition." Then another doctor told me that I would never be treated for fibromyalgia in this town. With the increase in pain recently and the lack of sleep it's a little discouraging knowing that I won't be able to get treatment for a legitimate medical disorder and instead being told it's all psychiatric.

Of course all of this goes on my record at work, along with the two verbal warnings... so it does seem to be an uphill battle. One I am currently losing. While I am trying to remain positive about the whole thing there are also a lot of negatives.

Anger & Frustration

At this point I am angry enough to go back to the cutting. It's the reason I am off work so why not? And now I am off until I see the psychiatrist again. On one hand I don't want to give them the satisfaction. It's been 9 months now and I gave the knife away so I wouldn't be tempted. On the other hand, I want to prove a point. Cutting for me has always been about coping.. or not feeling anything at all. It's not about suicide. If I were drinking it wouldn't be an issue. I'd still be at work. Yet I am more likely to die from alcohol poisoning then with a knife. While I may not entirely condone the behaviour I am not entirely against it either. I believe there is too much of a stigma associated with it... and there is also a great deal of guilt.

Some of that anger comes from finances. They didn't pay me for any of the time off, not even the sick days. So my pay cheque was only for one week. Doesn't help me pay the bills. No idea when I'll get the money and it won't be 100%. It will be 60% of my wages.

Some of it is the LOA. They didn't tell I could refuse to take it. So I feel a little misled. I was under the impression that I had no choice. Had I known that I might not have been off work. Not to mention there is the whole aspect that they are forcing treatment on me. I had to make sure I was diagnosed with depression so that the doctor would clear me to return to work. So do I really have depression... we'll never really know.

The reason I am on an LOA is supposed to be confidential but it has been anything but. It would be one thing if I was off on a medical leave but since it's a mental leave I would rather people not know about it. Obviously, certain people have to know but at this rate they might as well send an email to the entire site since it has definitely not been kept confidential.

Lastly, there is the whole premise for the LOA. What they told me was that because I had the knife at work and gave it up I was considered a risk to myself or to others and I was on a leave until cleared by a doctor. I have now seen three doctors, the assessment nurse, and a psychiatrist and none of them considered me a risk. So... why am I not back at work? According to the letter they wrote the doctor my performance was lacking at work, I had numerous physical complaints, and then there was the knife. Of course, there are numerous physical complaints I am in chronic pain. I really haven't been sleeping either. That's also part of the reason my performance has been slipping. As for the knife... I had just seen my family.. was stressed with the roommate... and received 2 verbal warnings at work. I was stressed to the max and needed relief. The doctor they sent me to does not believe fibromyalgia is real which really didn't help. And he did not feel my performance at work would improve unless medicated. Then he denied me going back to work until I see the psychiatrist again. So it was obviously not just about whether or not I was a risk. And since my parents can't even force me into treatment why does work have that power? If they were actually treating the sleep... and the pain... and then determining if I really do have depression then I might be okay with it but to feel forced to be diagnosed with depression I'm not cool with.

So yeah I am a little angry right now over the whole situation. I think it could've been handled differently, more effectively. Right now I don't feel like I was taken into consideration. No one ever asked me why I thought I was having problems at work. No one took the time to ask me if I was okay and what I needed to get through it. If I was such a risk why did they wait 3 days for me to come back in? If it was about suicide I could've killed myself while I was off. Then they forced me off work and I didn't feel like I had a choice. The doctor then margninalized me by saying that "Fibromyalgia is typically a symptom of a psychiatric disorder" Then I was forced to see the assessment nurse and was basically given the message that unless I was on a prescription for anti-depressants then I would not be able to return to work. At that point it didn't matter whether I thought I was depressed I had to get the diagnosis to return to work. And to top it off the medication caused too many negative side effects and meant more time at the ER to be told it was normal. Hmm... can't imagine why I am angry with the whole experience. And since it was all over my cutting I do feel like I should go back to it. At least then it might be somewhat justified. I think I'll wait until after I get my medication changed though. That way I can still tell them it's been 9 months and while tempted I haven't acted on it.

Conflicted

The last week and a half have brought with it a wide range of feelings... from anger to discouragement. Anger because I am still being penalized for a recognized disability and for my honesty... discouragement because I am still not finding any answers or any hope. I'll be returning to work (eventually) still struggling with the Fibromyalgia and won't be any better off then. I am also discouraged because there is still no word when I'll be returning to work and had to use my sick days and will now be forced to fight for disability that will only cover 60% of my wages. So now I feel like I am being discriminated because of the Fibro. Yes there is also the self-injury aspect of it but I was not a threat to myself or to anyone else. If I was the doctor had an opportunity to keep me under observation, and so did the psychiatrist. They did not... but the doctor felt my performance would not improve until on anti-depressants. I agree with the statemen that I needed treatment for things to improve but I do not agree with the course of action. I needed the Fibro and the sleep issues to be treated. The doctor even made a statement that "Fibromyalgia" is typically a symptom of a psychiatric disorder." So I've been marginalized by the medical profession.

The frustration continues. I went to the walk-in clinic for a referral to a rheumatologist so that it would be treated. I was then told that no rheumatologist in Peterborough will treat Fibro patients. That is frustrating and discouraging to me. It's an uphill battle. I don't have a family doctor to treat it. I also don't drive so it's difficult to go elsewhere to get the proper treatment. At least when I was in London I was getting physical therapy and seeing a rheumatologist about it. For now there doesn't seem to be any hope in treatment.

I also feel conflicted. I want to believe that Chris was acting on my own interests and was concerned about me. But I am struggling with that. Even after I got a second opinion she questioned whether there was an issue with depression as well as the Fibro. Try dealing with a severe lack of sleep and the Fibro and tell me how happy you are. The main reason for me questioning it is the fact I've been off work for a week-and-a-half now, am not making full wages, and the doctor they sent me to does not believe Fibro is a legitimate disorder. This is compounded by the fact the medical treatment that was precsribed put my health into jeopardy, as well as my mental health. You can't put a price on health. I wouldn't wish the time off on anyone. No one should have to go through what I have had to. So now I feel conflicted about it. She was the catalyst that started the chain of events. In her defense I don't think she wanted this to happen or for it to go this way but I can't help but question whether or not she really did have my best interests in mind.

At the moment I am also considering my options. It has cost me a lot, emotionally and financially. I have not been able to find any justification for work forcing me to take time off, especially not an extended period of time. A fitness-to-work test might have been justified if the performance at work was to the point of costing me my job. But I had only received 2 verbal warnings and it had not reached the point of a written warning. For the one warning I met my sales quota for the month right after. And as for the tone I was never even given a chance to explain why I thought it might be an issue, or to look for ways to change it. I offered to mentor with another performance coach to work on it. As far as being a potential threat to myself or to others I have been cleared by both the doctor and the psychiatrist. So why am I not back at work?