I've really got to learn to say no... Somehow that word just doesn't seem to be in my vocabulary. Why am I a doormat all the time. I allow people to take advantage of me, sometimes at great cost. Right now is a really good example. I want the apartment to myself. Tristan is just sponging off me and things just don't change... one excuse after another. This time it was that he ran into someone he owed money to (is there anyone in Peterborough that he doesn't owe money to?) so he paid him. That's why he couldn't buy groceries. So instead he has been eating all my food and just apologizing for it later. He still owes me $300 from 6 months ago. And right now I would just like him to buy his own groceries... I had bought what I needed for my vacation and now I need to buy more. And I need to go on a Coke run somehow but can't exactly carry it. I'm scared to cook dinner since I know I am just going to wind up feeding him to.
The bigger concern is the fatigue. Since he has to wake up so early he goes to bed before I do. The only way to accomodate that was to share my bed... and as I got to remember this week I don't do well with that. I really don't sleep and wind up like a zombie. It's tough to get out of bed and go to work. Then when I get to work I am irritable because I really need sleep. And no end in sight.
I know what I need to do but am having trouble doing it. I know I need to get him to leave... before he never does. But, despite the cost it is having on me I am having trouble saying no. I want to help people.
Okay we don't need to discuss the role of the enabler... and how detrimental that is... since we are responsible for ourselves. I am not responsible for Tristan... or for my family. I am only responsible for myself. While I want to just keep the status quo and not cause anyone pain... I am only hurting myself. At the same time I can't force someone to live on the streets... so what the hell am I supposed to do?
Showing posts with label fatigue. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fatigue. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Fucked Up
I think that is a good description for how I feel these days. I'm really not sleeping at the moment so I feel pretty exhausted. I can't seem to just let go and relax. I'm starting to think I might need to head off to the bar one night just to unwind. I never thought I'd hear myself say that. But I gotta find something that takes my mind off things.
First there was my health. There was the concern that my bone marrow was not producing blood cells. That's definitely scary... and I had to prepare myself for just about anything. My platelet count is back up and the doctor does not feel my white blood cell count is low enough to be concerned with. I still have no idea why I am fatigued all the time... but at least it's not my blood cell count.
Work is also taking a lot out of me at the moment. It's the first week of a new month. Pat was off 2 days for training. we were all off for one day with the US holiday. So that means a lot more work the other days. On top of that Dave is on vacation so we had to make up his aces as well. Then the other Dave hurt his back again so I feel like I should help their team as well... even though I already feel stretched to the limit. I didn't even have time to do the trends analysis today. Plus I didn't really take a lunch and completely skipped my last break. But breaks have pretty well been non-existent since I quit smoking. I'm almost tempted to go back to it just so I can actually have a break. But that's not a good enough reason.
Probably the bigest reason for me feeling fucked up is the fight I had with mom. Suzanne was telling me to just not argue and let her win. It's not in me to do. And if someone can make me cry in 10 minutes that's not a good thing. But that fight also made me face the past head on... something I had been trying to avoid. There's a great deal of emotions at the moment. Overall, I just feel this overwhelming sense of loss and pain. I don't know how I am supposed to be feeling. 20 years of repressed emotion is a lot to try and deal with. I'm definitely feeling pulled in different directions. There is still the family loyalty.... but also the betrayal. The pain that this led to bad choices and even more pain... since it's not just the family dynamic that was affected but also my coping mechanisms and the situations I put myself into. The skeletons I try to avoid and have the closet door locked... Just the thought of some of those decisions and the things I did to be numb quickly bring me to tears right now. I keep being reminded of the line in the song "Scars" by Papa Roach: "My scars remind me that the past is real." I could really do without some of those scars though.
I should be ecstatic about the blood tests but I just feel empty... hurt... wounded. Maybe it's because I was avoiding it for so long and you really can't avoid it forever. I would give anything to be numb again... not to feel anything at all. Maybe that is why I gave myself permission to use the self-injury if necessary. I am trying not to... but I also know what a toll this is taking on me. I'm not used to feeling anything and these feelings are overwhelming. I don't know what to do and how to get past it. I want to completely withdraw and not talk to anyone. I don't want them to see how much I hurt and see the pain in my eyes. I'm supposed to be strong... able to get past anything.... show no emotion.... and now it's a war. An internal battle and I can't find a way to stop the emotion. I may have a degree in psychology that doesn't mean I know how to deal with abuse and get past it.
First there was my health. There was the concern that my bone marrow was not producing blood cells. That's definitely scary... and I had to prepare myself for just about anything. My platelet count is back up and the doctor does not feel my white blood cell count is low enough to be concerned with. I still have no idea why I am fatigued all the time... but at least it's not my blood cell count.
Work is also taking a lot out of me at the moment. It's the first week of a new month. Pat was off 2 days for training. we were all off for one day with the US holiday. So that means a lot more work the other days. On top of that Dave is on vacation so we had to make up his aces as well. Then the other Dave hurt his back again so I feel like I should help their team as well... even though I already feel stretched to the limit. I didn't even have time to do the trends analysis today. Plus I didn't really take a lunch and completely skipped my last break. But breaks have pretty well been non-existent since I quit smoking. I'm almost tempted to go back to it just so I can actually have a break. But that's not a good enough reason.
Probably the bigest reason for me feeling fucked up is the fight I had with mom. Suzanne was telling me to just not argue and let her win. It's not in me to do. And if someone can make me cry in 10 minutes that's not a good thing. But that fight also made me face the past head on... something I had been trying to avoid. There's a great deal of emotions at the moment. Overall, I just feel this overwhelming sense of loss and pain. I don't know how I am supposed to be feeling. 20 years of repressed emotion is a lot to try and deal with. I'm definitely feeling pulled in different directions. There is still the family loyalty.... but also the betrayal. The pain that this led to bad choices and even more pain... since it's not just the family dynamic that was affected but also my coping mechanisms and the situations I put myself into. The skeletons I try to avoid and have the closet door locked... Just the thought of some of those decisions and the things I did to be numb quickly bring me to tears right now. I keep being reminded of the line in the song "Scars" by Papa Roach: "My scars remind me that the past is real." I could really do without some of those scars though.
I should be ecstatic about the blood tests but I just feel empty... hurt... wounded. Maybe it's because I was avoiding it for so long and you really can't avoid it forever. I would give anything to be numb again... not to feel anything at all. Maybe that is why I gave myself permission to use the self-injury if necessary. I am trying not to... but I also know what a toll this is taking on me. I'm not used to feeling anything and these feelings are overwhelming. I don't know what to do and how to get past it. I want to completely withdraw and not talk to anyone. I don't want them to see how much I hurt and see the pain in my eyes. I'm supposed to be strong... able to get past anything.... show no emotion.... and now it's a war. An internal battle and I can't find a way to stop the emotion. I may have a degree in psychology that doesn't mean I know how to deal with abuse and get past it.
Friday, June 23, 2006
Hanging in There
I am still hanging in there.... pretty tired at the moment. I'm not sure if that is from the 6 day stretch at work, being on day shifts, stress, or from not being able to sleep. Probably each one is contributing to that. I get home from work and am just so fatigued... I curl up on the couch until just before I have to go to bed. Being this tired it should be easy to pass out and actually get sleep... but no. I can't seem to shut my brain off. Then I barely get up with enough time to get to work.
I wouldn't say I am really going through mood swings but I do feel somewhat overwhelmed at the moment. I feel like I am getting pulled in every direction. Struggling to get things done at work... facing the fact I have to help another team for the first week next week and wondering how we're going to accomplish that without really making things difficult. Especially since I'll be on vacation later on in the month.
On top of that I have the doctors appointment this week... that means that at some point I am going to have to have the bone marrow biopsy done. That will be three days off work. Hopefully 2 of those days will be my weekend but I have no idea. They will just be giving me a date and a time to be there. It's also likely in Scarbrough.
In terms of the emotions there is definitely a mix and sometimes it's hard to control them... more so when I am at home. Probably because when I am at work I can keep myself busy and not think about it. It shows occasionally with me getting a bit stressed out. There is certainly anger there. Haven't I been through enough shit? There is also bitterness... since this is one more thing in a long life of pain. And, of course, there is also fear and uncertainty. the last month has been a waiting game. And I still have no idea how serious it is... and if I should be concerned right now. I also feel pretty isolated right now.
So I'm hanging in there right now... but I can definitely say it sucks at the moment.
I wouldn't say I am really going through mood swings but I do feel somewhat overwhelmed at the moment. I feel like I am getting pulled in every direction. Struggling to get things done at work... facing the fact I have to help another team for the first week next week and wondering how we're going to accomplish that without really making things difficult. Especially since I'll be on vacation later on in the month.
On top of that I have the doctors appointment this week... that means that at some point I am going to have to have the bone marrow biopsy done. That will be three days off work. Hopefully 2 of those days will be my weekend but I have no idea. They will just be giving me a date and a time to be there. It's also likely in Scarbrough.
In terms of the emotions there is definitely a mix and sometimes it's hard to control them... more so when I am at home. Probably because when I am at work I can keep myself busy and not think about it. It shows occasionally with me getting a bit stressed out. There is certainly anger there. Haven't I been through enough shit? There is also bitterness... since this is one more thing in a long life of pain. And, of course, there is also fear and uncertainty. the last month has been a waiting game. And I still have no idea how serious it is... and if I should be concerned right now. I also feel pretty isolated right now.
So I'm hanging in there right now... but I can definitely say it sucks at the moment.
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Helpless
These days I feel more and more like an invalid. I am constantly feeling light headed and weak. I get home and just want to go to bed. I watch TV and am up until midnight or so but I never really feel good. It's an awful feeling. The sad fact is that my favourite part of the day is when I can go to bed since that is the only time I don't hurt and don't feel sick. Not that I am actually feeling suicidal but I can't help wondering about the value of life. Every waking moment is brutal. I get up in time to go to work and start dry heaving. That feeling of nausea continues throughout the day... mind you that one is likely just stress induced. My jaw hurts. I feel light headed and dizzy. And I still pretend that everything is fine. It's taking a huge toll on me, especially with the uncertainty.
On my days off I sleep for about 12 hours and am still exhausted. Even when I am home at night I barely move. I don't have the energy to troubleshoot my computer. I can barely even move off the couch. I'm barely eating at this point either. That's partially because I am on day shifts... and partially because I feel dizzy as soon as I stand. Steve has to come over periodically to do the dishes for me and take out the trash. He also takes me grocery shopping. For someone that is used to being fairly active I feel pretty helpless right now. :o(
On my days off I sleep for about 12 hours and am still exhausted. Even when I am home at night I barely move. I don't have the energy to troubleshoot my computer. I can barely even move off the couch. I'm barely eating at this point either. That's partially because I am on day shifts... and partially because I feel dizzy as soon as I stand. Steve has to come over periodically to do the dishes for me and take out the trash. He also takes me grocery shopping. For someone that is used to being fairly active I feel pretty helpless right now. :o(
Friday, December 23, 2005
Exhaustion
I'm really starting to feel the exhaustion set in. Been a busy week and I really haven't been sleeping. When my day started it was frustrating. I was having trouble getting things done . I was hoping for an easy day tomorrow but it looks like that won't be the case. The good news is that tomorrow is Friday so I can sleep in on Saturday. And there is no way I want to be shopping on Christmas Eve so I'm just going to take it easy and debate what to spend my incentive money on... DVD box sets... or my computer. Decisions, decisions. Tough call actually. And now that I just got sidetracked trying to find the best deals possible... Just chalk it up to the ADD. Too bad with all the deals going on none of them are really good enough to make me want to buy. For now the exhaustion has taken over and I'm heading off to bed.
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