Fucked Up

I think that is a good description for how I feel these days. I'm really not sleeping at the moment so I feel pretty exhausted. I can't seem to just let go and relax. I'm starting to think I might need to head off to the bar one night just to unwind. I never thought I'd hear myself say that. But I gotta find something that takes my mind off things.

First there was my health. There was the concern that my bone marrow was not producing blood cells. That's definitely scary... and I had to prepare myself for just about anything. My platelet count is back up and the doctor does not feel my white blood cell count is low enough to be concerned with. I still have no idea why I am fatigued all the time... but at least it's not my blood cell count.

Work is also taking a lot out of me at the moment. It's the first week of a new month. Pat was off 2 days for training. we were all off for one day with the US holiday. So that means a lot more work the other days. On top of that Dave is on vacation so we had to make up his aces as well. Then the other Dave hurt his back again so I feel like I should help their team as well... even though I already feel stretched to the limit. I didn't even have time to do the trends analysis today. Plus I didn't really take a lunch and completely skipped my last break. But breaks have pretty well been non-existent since I quit smoking. I'm almost tempted to go back to it just so I can actually have a break. But that's not a good enough reason.

Probably the bigest reason for me feeling fucked up is the fight I had with mom. Suzanne was telling me to just not argue and let her win. It's not in me to do. And if someone can make me cry in 10 minutes that's not a good thing. But that fight also made me face the past head on... something I had been trying to avoid. There's a great deal of emotions at the moment. Overall, I just feel this overwhelming sense of loss and pain. I don't know how I am supposed to be feeling. 20 years of repressed emotion is a lot to try and deal with. I'm definitely feeling pulled in different directions. There is still the family loyalty.... but also the betrayal. The pain that this led to bad choices and even more pain... since it's not just the family dynamic that was affected but also my coping mechanisms and the situations I put myself into. The skeletons I try to avoid and have the closet door locked... Just the thought of some of those decisions and the things I did to be numb quickly bring me to tears right now. I keep being reminded of the line in the song "Scars" by Papa Roach: "My scars remind me that the past is real." I could really do without some of those scars though.

I should be ecstatic about the blood tests but I just feel empty... hurt... wounded. Maybe it's because I was avoiding it for so long and you really can't avoid it forever. I would give anything to be numb again... not to feel anything at all. Maybe that is why I gave myself permission to use the self-injury if necessary. I am trying not to... but I also know what a toll this is taking on me. I'm not used to feeling anything and these feelings are overwhelming. I don't know what to do and how to get past it. I want to completely withdraw and not talk to anyone. I don't want them to see how much I hurt and see the pain in my eyes. I'm supposed to be strong... able to get past anything.... show no emotion.... and now it's a war. An internal battle and I can't find a way to stop the emotion. I may have a degree in psychology that doesn't mean I know how to deal with abuse and get past it.

Shattered Beliefs

When you grow up in a household of neglect and abuse it really shakes your foundation. For one, you grow up believing that your parents would never lie to you. They are idealized and we see them as being perfect. In far too many instances that isn't true though. Every type of abuse also includes an emotional component. But the abuse shapes your identity.

After being told I was worthless and a whole variety of other things I really withdrew. I didn't want other people to know about the abuse and I didn't value myself at all. I tried to be invisible. I also learned to be completely numb and not to trust anyone. Every time I trusted someone I just got hurt. And those scars never go away. I still carry that with me. I can't bring myself to ask someone for help because I absolutely do not value myself and devalue myself.

I went to school for psychology because I knew I could relate and didn't want other people to go through what I did and be left questioning it like I was. But that was not to be the career path I ended up on. Maybe a good thing since I still have not dealt with that issue

Every time I think about it and how my parents lied I have mixed emotions. My parents always denied there was any abuse. So it's tough to admit that it wasn't right and there really was abuse going on. It's easy to justify the behaviour on account of depression or what not. Like most abused kids there is also guilt. We blame ourselves for everything. But there is also sadness for the stolen childhood and the pain that was caused. Not only that but there is also a certain amount of anger as well. They fucked up my life, shaped my life, and I always feel like I will never be free. But every time I get angry I always end up reminding myself that I am the one that shaped my destiny, not them... and it was my decisions. So to a certain degree I blame myself for the effects it has had. As a reuslt I never end up confronting those demons and have never allowed myself the chance to grieve, to feel that sense of loss and move on with my life and freedom.

The conflicted emotions just make it more difficult to deal with. Especially for someone that wants to be numb and not feel anything. I also don't feel I am strong enough to move past that on my own. I suppose that's not really a surprise since I know there is a great deal of pain. I can see it in my eyes. I'm also not sure I want anyone to see me actually feel those emotions. Aside from Adam it might be a difficult thing for anyone that knows me... and knows that I do not cry. I'm also raised with the question of forgiveness. Since I was raised going to church every Sunday I know that I should forgive them. Believe me that's a hard concept for me. They lied to me. They hurt me deeply. And now I feel like I have to forgive them in order to be free. Christian ideals in conflict with deep seeded pain. Not sure which one will win there.

Quotes

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Papa Roach – “Scars”

'Tis the Season

Is Christmas over yet? Everyone has been asking if my shopping is done. I hate this time of year. And everyone also wants to know what I am doing for Christmas. Well I am going to be at work for most of the day. And at this rate I am going to want a nice, stiff drink after work. I have no desire to see my family even though my mom is now in Peterborough. I haven't talked to her since Labour Day when I accidentally ran into her. But I really don't want to hear how I am a failure and will never amount to anything. I might see my sister and her husband but I'm not sure I even want that. Why did I like London so much? I didn't feel obligated to see my family. Mind you the amount of alcohol consumed during my time there might also be clouding my judgement. *lol* Some scars are tough to heal... and this time of year always seems to reopen them.