While Some Things Have Changed Others Have Not

It has been about a year and a half since I last posted here. I really got away from posting anything of substance. My other blog is certainly pretty censored since family have access. I feel like I lost my voice in there and lately have felt like something is missing as a result.

As far as what has happened I was employed... and then I wasn't. Got laid off. It was a blessing though since I hated that job but couldn't bring myself to quit, no matter how much stress it caused. Plus there was a new program that provided funding for me to go back to school. I am loving it.

However, I read the last post which is what prompted me to write and realize just how much some things have stayed the same. I am trying to get the stalker to leave me alone. Just before Christmas we were driving to the school and got in a fight. Now I HATE Christmas. I really just want to be left the fuck alone and survive the holidays. True to course it was a fight with family but that is for a separate post. But he has this need to be with people so he felt neglected and couldn't seem to respect the fact I wanted to be left alone and it was nothing personal. But the real winning comment was, "I know you have had a shitty existence..." Thanks for that. So I didn't call him since I was angry and still dealing with the holidays. Then New Years eve we got into it again. Fighting because I hadn't called. And he asked if I saw an us in the new year. Now I have never seen an us... and will never see an us. If I ever even thought about it shoot me. The next words out of his mouth were,, "Guess we will need to divide up our stuff then." Excuse me? I thought we were friends... Not like a relationship that just ended or something. Told me right there that we were never friends. And really the only thing that he can even claim is the computer. Then 2 days later he was acting like nothing happened. It was actually kind of scary. It meant that he can't accept the reality. So I prepared myself to tell him to "fuck off and leave me alone" and then get the police involved if necessary.

2.5 months later I have not answered the phone when he called and yet he still tries... Not as often but he still calls and makes up excuses. Hasn't gotten the hint yet. And periodically will show up here... That part is unnerving. But really I don't want to have him escalate since I am concerned about my safety.

My last post was on my mother's response and how she thought we were just good friends. I told her just after the new year that it was over and I would get the police involved if necessary. Even told her that he took advantage of me when intoxicated. Then I had a doctors appointment to go to and it was out of town. She mentioned that the stalker was going to give me a ride and that I should give him a call and get him to drive me. Seriously? You want me to continue involvement with him just to get a ride??? You are fucking nuts.

Locations Lived

I was born and raised in Cobourg, ON. I moved to London to go to school... and to get away from my family. It was the first place I felt free... at home. My parents didn't have any influence on me there. But I still carried my anger with me. Became a problem drinker and then went sober for 2 years. Finished school, in part to prove my parents wrong. Finally got diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and went into physiotherapy. Too bad it took 17 years to get that diagnosis. I really didn't want to leave London. I felt safe there and was far away from family. Unfortunately, after school I also didn't have a job and my lease expired. I was forced to look for other options. The only option I had to stay involved couch surfing with a buddy... or couch surfing with a guy that was interested in me. I decided to get out of town... temporarily.

My parents had a friend in Peterborough that said I could stay there. If anyone thinks I'm depressed now they should have seen me when I came to Peteroborough. It was the last place I wanted to be. I just wanted to go back to London. My landlord was reporting back on my every movements to my family... said I was out all night and was smoking. Now I had gone back to smoking but didn't go out all that often. I did start drinking again but only with friends. I learned not to try and outdrink Mexicans. I was cutting regularly until I scared the hell out of Kayla. Then I quit for 3 years. I got the job at Minacs and thinks were finally starting to look up. Then I got bounced from the house I was living in and had to scramble for somewhere to live. I ended up couch surfing for a week and then moved in with one of the ladies I was in training with. That was a rocky road the entire time. After her son was stealing from me I ended up moving in with Adam... a little prematurely. Definitely been a rocky road ever since I moved to Peterborough. I'm not sure there is a whole lot you could say that has gone my way. The last six months have been especially rough... as fatigue has increased and it has just been one thing after another.

They say your true personality shines through when the chips are down. When you're at the top of your game it's easy. It's when things aren't going your way that you start seeing who you really are. I've always seem myself as a survivor. But when you're just surviving you're also not really living. I'm also a fighter, not in the sense that I get into physical fights, but I won't back down. Back me into a corner and I'll come out fighting. The whole thing with Mike taught me that. A lot of people seemed to think I never should've pressed charges and backed down but it's not in me to do. It's when I feel like the chips are down I am usually at my best.

At this point though I don't see a way out... Normally there is a light at the end of the tunnel but all I see is darkness. Too many people tryimg to make me paranoid and makimg me wonder what I am really coming back to... will it be normal... the way it always was. Will I have to watch my back? I thought that 2006 would be my year... my comeback. It has certainly started off interesting. I'd like to think it's going to get better... it has to... but I said that throughout 2005 and look where it got me.

All I can hope for is that this latest trial ends soon. I'm hoping for peace and quiet... things to go well for a while. Or at least normalicy... not pain. I've known too much pain in my life as it is. The ongoing struggle to get past that, to make a choice and move on. Easy to say... much more difficult to do. Years of baggage cloud that judgement. I'm pretty guarded and don't even know who to trust. Most days I don't trust anyone.

I know it won't always be like this. And while some days it seems that life is currently against me I still remember good things. It hasn't been all bad. I learned I could love again. I've learned a cat makes a cheap therapist. I have an apartment where I feel at home. I'm sure I cam think of more positives but since it's now 6:00 a.m. my brain isn't quite functioning as well.

I guess tomorrow it's about making that choice... one day at a time. Don't live in the past or you'll miss your entire life. I've really gotta stop living my life still trying to pay penance. I'm still wrestlig with letting go. As a friend of mine once said, "Live life with no regrets,a lesson learmed... learn from it." So baby steps...