Showing posts with label Fibromyalgia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fibromyalgia. Show all posts
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Disabilities
They call Fibromyalgia the invisible disease because you don't appear to be sick but it's still debilitating. I think that Steve has almost taken on a parenting role since I left work. I get the impression he feels like I need him to take care of me. Ideally I just need a new roommate but any ways. Maybe it's because his son is autistic... otherwise I have no idea what is up with the change in behaviour. I can take care of myself and I refuse to see myself as disabled. Probably because I refuse to accept weakness in myself. Tell me I can't do something and I will prove you wrong. I also don't want to be treated as a child and in some ways that is how I feel. I feel like that is what he is doing and while I don't think it's intentional it's still annoying.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Locations Lived
I was born and raised in Cobourg, ON. I moved to London to go to school... and to get away from my family. It was the first place I felt free... at home. My parents didn't have any influence on me there. But I still carried my anger with me. Became a problem drinker and then went sober for 2 years. Finished school, in part to prove my parents wrong. Finally got diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and went into physiotherapy. Too bad it took 17 years to get that diagnosis. I really didn't want to leave London. I felt safe there and was far away from family. Unfortunately, after school I also didn't have a job and my lease expired. I was forced to look for other options. The only option I had to stay involved couch surfing with a buddy... or couch surfing with a guy that was interested in me. I decided to get out of town... temporarily.
My parents had a friend in Peterborough that said I could stay there. If anyone thinks I'm depressed now they should have seen me when I came to Peteroborough. It was the last place I wanted to be. I just wanted to go back to London. My landlord was reporting back on my every movements to my family... said I was out all night and was smoking. Now I had gone back to smoking but didn't go out all that often. I did start drinking again but only with friends. I learned not to try and outdrink Mexicans. I was cutting regularly until I scared the hell out of Kayla. Then I quit for 3 years. I got the job at Minacs and thinks were finally starting to look up. Then I got bounced from the house I was living in and had to scramble for somewhere to live. I ended up couch surfing for a week and then moved in with one of the ladies I was in training with. That was a rocky road the entire time. After her son was stealing from me I ended up moving in with Adam... a little prematurely. Definitely been a rocky road ever since I moved to Peterborough. I'm not sure there is a whole lot you could say that has gone my way. The last six months have been especially rough... as fatigue has increased and it has just been one thing after another.
They say your true personality shines through when the chips are down. When you're at the top of your game it's easy. It's when things aren't going your way that you start seeing who you really are. I've always seem myself as a survivor. But when you're just surviving you're also not really living. I'm also a fighter, not in the sense that I get into physical fights, but I won't back down. Back me into a corner and I'll come out fighting. The whole thing with Mike taught me that. A lot of people seemed to think I never should've pressed charges and backed down but it's not in me to do. It's when I feel like the chips are down I am usually at my best.
At this point though I don't see a way out... Normally there is a light at the end of the tunnel but all I see is darkness. Too many people tryimg to make me paranoid and makimg me wonder what I am really coming back to... will it be normal... the way it always was. Will I have to watch my back? I thought that 2006 would be my year... my comeback. It has certainly started off interesting. I'd like to think it's going to get better... it has to... but I said that throughout 2005 and look where it got me.
All I can hope for is that this latest trial ends soon. I'm hoping for peace and quiet... things to go well for a while. Or at least normalicy... not pain. I've known too much pain in my life as it is. The ongoing struggle to get past that, to make a choice and move on. Easy to say... much more difficult to do. Years of baggage cloud that judgement. I'm pretty guarded and don't even know who to trust. Most days I don't trust anyone.
I know it won't always be like this. And while some days it seems that life is currently against me I still remember good things. It hasn't been all bad. I learned I could love again. I've learned a cat makes a cheap therapist. I have an apartment where I feel at home. I'm sure I cam think of more positives but since it's now 6:00 a.m. my brain isn't quite functioning as well.
I guess tomorrow it's about making that choice... one day at a time. Don't live in the past or you'll miss your entire life. I've really gotta stop living my life still trying to pay penance. I'm still wrestlig with letting go. As a friend of mine once said, "Live life with no regrets,a lesson learmed... learn from it." So baby steps...
My parents had a friend in Peterborough that said I could stay there. If anyone thinks I'm depressed now they should have seen me when I came to Peteroborough. It was the last place I wanted to be. I just wanted to go back to London. My landlord was reporting back on my every movements to my family... said I was out all night and was smoking. Now I had gone back to smoking but didn't go out all that often. I did start drinking again but only with friends. I learned not to try and outdrink Mexicans. I was cutting regularly until I scared the hell out of Kayla. Then I quit for 3 years. I got the job at Minacs and thinks were finally starting to look up. Then I got bounced from the house I was living in and had to scramble for somewhere to live. I ended up couch surfing for a week and then moved in with one of the ladies I was in training with. That was a rocky road the entire time. After her son was stealing from me I ended up moving in with Adam... a little prematurely. Definitely been a rocky road ever since I moved to Peterborough. I'm not sure there is a whole lot you could say that has gone my way. The last six months have been especially rough... as fatigue has increased and it has just been one thing after another.
They say your true personality shines through when the chips are down. When you're at the top of your game it's easy. It's when things aren't going your way that you start seeing who you really are. I've always seem myself as a survivor. But when you're just surviving you're also not really living. I'm also a fighter, not in the sense that I get into physical fights, but I won't back down. Back me into a corner and I'll come out fighting. The whole thing with Mike taught me that. A lot of people seemed to think I never should've pressed charges and backed down but it's not in me to do. It's when I feel like the chips are down I am usually at my best.
At this point though I don't see a way out... Normally there is a light at the end of the tunnel but all I see is darkness. Too many people tryimg to make me paranoid and makimg me wonder what I am really coming back to... will it be normal... the way it always was. Will I have to watch my back? I thought that 2006 would be my year... my comeback. It has certainly started off interesting. I'd like to think it's going to get better... it has to... but I said that throughout 2005 and look where it got me.
All I can hope for is that this latest trial ends soon. I'm hoping for peace and quiet... things to go well for a while. Or at least normalicy... not pain. I've known too much pain in my life as it is. The ongoing struggle to get past that, to make a choice and move on. Easy to say... much more difficult to do. Years of baggage cloud that judgement. I'm pretty guarded and don't even know who to trust. Most days I don't trust anyone.
I know it won't always be like this. And while some days it seems that life is currently against me I still remember good things. It hasn't been all bad. I learned I could love again. I've learned a cat makes a cheap therapist. I have an apartment where I feel at home. I'm sure I cam think of more positives but since it's now 6:00 a.m. my brain isn't quite functioning as well.
I guess tomorrow it's about making that choice... one day at a time. Don't live in the past or you'll miss your entire life. I've really gotta stop living my life still trying to pay penance. I'm still wrestlig with letting go. As a friend of mine once said, "Live life with no regrets,a lesson learmed... learn from it." So baby steps...
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Grab Bag of Emotions
I'm not sure how I should be feeling at the moment. I'm still trying to see this as a positive thing... that Chris did it for me. It is giving me time off to get some rest and do some work for Chaord Studios. If I'm ever going to do anything with it now would be the time. I've been doing some work on some new UFC DVDs. It will also be a good chance to do some web site design. So that is a good thing.
But it's also extremely frustrating. I feel like I am getting fucked, without a kiss to go with it. My parents can't even force me to get treatment so why is work able to? They refuse to allow me to go back to work. I've said all along that all I needed was sleep and they finally agreed. But in the last 3 weeks I have seen 3 doctors, the crisis nurse twice, and 2 psychiatrists. No one has indicated that I am a threat to myself or to anyone else... so what is the problem? I feel like my hands are tied and there is nothing I can do about it. It's pretty frustrating.
Off and on there are also flashes of anger. I'm angry about the way I've been treated... forced off work... forced onto treatment... not allowed to return. I might as well have gone through with the self-injury since that is where it started.
Lastly, there is also discouragement. I feel like I am fighting a losing battle. No one seems to be listening. The doctor told me that the "Fibromyalgia is a symptom of an underlying psychiatric condition." Then another doctor told me that I would never be treated for fibromyalgia in this town. With the increase in pain recently and the lack of sleep it's a little discouraging knowing that I won't be able to get treatment for a legitimate medical disorder and instead being told it's all psychiatric.
Of course all of this goes on my record at work, along with the two verbal warnings... so it does seem to be an uphill battle. One I am currently losing. While I am trying to remain positive about the whole thing there are also a lot of negatives.
But it's also extremely frustrating. I feel like I am getting fucked, without a kiss to go with it. My parents can't even force me to get treatment so why is work able to? They refuse to allow me to go back to work. I've said all along that all I needed was sleep and they finally agreed. But in the last 3 weeks I have seen 3 doctors, the crisis nurse twice, and 2 psychiatrists. No one has indicated that I am a threat to myself or to anyone else... so what is the problem? I feel like my hands are tied and there is nothing I can do about it. It's pretty frustrating.
Off and on there are also flashes of anger. I'm angry about the way I've been treated... forced off work... forced onto treatment... not allowed to return. I might as well have gone through with the self-injury since that is where it started.
Lastly, there is also discouragement. I feel like I am fighting a losing battle. No one seems to be listening. The doctor told me that the "Fibromyalgia is a symptom of an underlying psychiatric condition." Then another doctor told me that I would never be treated for fibromyalgia in this town. With the increase in pain recently and the lack of sleep it's a little discouraging knowing that I won't be able to get treatment for a legitimate medical disorder and instead being told it's all psychiatric.
Of course all of this goes on my record at work, along with the two verbal warnings... so it does seem to be an uphill battle. One I am currently losing. While I am trying to remain positive about the whole thing there are also a lot of negatives.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Conflicted
The last week and a half have brought with it a wide range of feelings... from anger to discouragement. Anger because I am still being penalized for a recognized disability and for my honesty... discouragement because I am still not finding any answers or any hope. I'll be returning to work (eventually) still struggling with the Fibromyalgia and won't be any better off then. I am also discouraged because there is still no word when I'll be returning to work and had to use my sick days and will now be forced to fight for disability that will only cover 60% of my wages. So now I feel like I am being discriminated because of the Fibro. Yes there is also the self-injury aspect of it but I was not a threat to myself or to anyone else. If I was the doctor had an opportunity to keep me under observation, and so did the psychiatrist. They did not... but the doctor felt my performance would not improve until on anti-depressants. I agree with the statemen that I needed treatment for things to improve but I do not agree with the course of action. I needed the Fibro and the sleep issues to be treated. The doctor even made a statement that "Fibromyalgia" is typically a symptom of a psychiatric disorder." So I've been marginalized by the medical profession.
The frustration continues. I went to the walk-in clinic for a referral to a rheumatologist so that it would be treated. I was then told that no rheumatologist in Peterborough will treat Fibro patients. That is frustrating and discouraging to me. It's an uphill battle. I don't have a family doctor to treat it. I also don't drive so it's difficult to go elsewhere to get the proper treatment. At least when I was in London I was getting physical therapy and seeing a rheumatologist about it. For now there doesn't seem to be any hope in treatment.
I also feel conflicted. I want to believe that Chris was acting on my own interests and was concerned about me. But I am struggling with that. Even after I got a second opinion she questioned whether there was an issue with depression as well as the Fibro. Try dealing with a severe lack of sleep and the Fibro and tell me how happy you are. The main reason for me questioning it is the fact I've been off work for a week-and-a-half now, am not making full wages, and the doctor they sent me to does not believe Fibro is a legitimate disorder. This is compounded by the fact the medical treatment that was precsribed put my health into jeopardy, as well as my mental health. You can't put a price on health. I wouldn't wish the time off on anyone. No one should have to go through what I have had to. So now I feel conflicted about it. She was the catalyst that started the chain of events. In her defense I don't think she wanted this to happen or for it to go this way but I can't help but question whether or not she really did have my best interests in mind.
At the moment I am also considering my options. It has cost me a lot, emotionally and financially. I have not been able to find any justification for work forcing me to take time off, especially not an extended period of time. A fitness-to-work test might have been justified if the performance at work was to the point of costing me my job. But I had only received 2 verbal warnings and it had not reached the point of a written warning. For the one warning I met my sales quota for the month right after. And as for the tone I was never even given a chance to explain why I thought it might be an issue, or to look for ways to change it. I offered to mentor with another performance coach to work on it. As far as being a potential threat to myself or to others I have been cleared by both the doctor and the psychiatrist. So why am I not back at work?
The frustration continues. I went to the walk-in clinic for a referral to a rheumatologist so that it would be treated. I was then told that no rheumatologist in Peterborough will treat Fibro patients. That is frustrating and discouraging to me. It's an uphill battle. I don't have a family doctor to treat it. I also don't drive so it's difficult to go elsewhere to get the proper treatment. At least when I was in London I was getting physical therapy and seeing a rheumatologist about it. For now there doesn't seem to be any hope in treatment.
I also feel conflicted. I want to believe that Chris was acting on my own interests and was concerned about me. But I am struggling with that. Even after I got a second opinion she questioned whether there was an issue with depression as well as the Fibro. Try dealing with a severe lack of sleep and the Fibro and tell me how happy you are. The main reason for me questioning it is the fact I've been off work for a week-and-a-half now, am not making full wages, and the doctor they sent me to does not believe Fibro is a legitimate disorder. This is compounded by the fact the medical treatment that was precsribed put my health into jeopardy, as well as my mental health. You can't put a price on health. I wouldn't wish the time off on anyone. No one should have to go through what I have had to. So now I feel conflicted about it. She was the catalyst that started the chain of events. In her defense I don't think she wanted this to happen or for it to go this way but I can't help but question whether or not she really did have my best interests in mind.
At the moment I am also considering my options. It has cost me a lot, emotionally and financially. I have not been able to find any justification for work forcing me to take time off, especially not an extended period of time. A fitness-to-work test might have been justified if the performance at work was to the point of costing me my job. But I had only received 2 verbal warnings and it had not reached the point of a written warning. For the one warning I met my sales quota for the month right after. And as for the tone I was never even given a chance to explain why I thought it might be an issue, or to look for ways to change it. I offered to mentor with another performance coach to work on it. As far as being a potential threat to myself or to others I have been cleared by both the doctor and the psychiatrist. So why am I not back at work?
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Aggravated
My day started off reasonably well. Alarm was going off at 11:30. I didn't really want to get out of bed but knew that family would be arriving soon. Normally on my days off I sleep until 1:00, sometimes even later. I know you are probably wondering how in the world I can sleep in that late. With the Fibromyalgia I don't tend to get a lot of sleep, at least not restful sleep. And I really don't hit deep sleep until after about 5 a.m. for some reason. So on my days off I am trying to catch up. For more on how the visit went see "Family Christmas."
I got home around 4:30. Steve said he'd call around dinner time to see if my family was still here. He knew I had a few errands to run. Finally called around 5:30 and said he'd be back here at 7. That didn't leave me with enough time to do laundry... or watch a movie. So I put all of today's photos on my computer, updated my blog and basically just killed time. At 7:15 he called and hadn't even left the house yet to take his son home. By the time he gets here it will be about 8:00 and there is no point in trying to get errands done. Needless to say I am a little aggravated right now. I just wasted the entire day as a result and it means that I don't get to relax tomorrow. I have to do everything then. I knew I should've just called a cab and gone down there myself.
He still wanted to try and get them done. I do not want to try and make it to FutureShop and Zellers with less then an hour before the stores close. For one, the stores are going to be busy and just aggravate me further. I'd be watching the clock and it just wouldn't be enjoyable. I used to work in retail so I know they don't want you there as the store is closing. Now I am trying to decide if I should start on laundry or just add it to the ever growing list of things to do tomorrow... like go shopping... go to the chiropractor... get my hair cut... I was hoping to have very little to do tomorrow so that I could feel like I had some time off. It was a nice thought.
So Steve should be here shortly and I have no desire whatsoever for him to be here. He's already pissed me off... can't he at least leave me alone for a while too? But no... Fanboy has to make an appearance... tell me all about his day... and just aggravate me further. Maybe I'll go to bed early tonight just to escape.
I got home around 4:30. Steve said he'd call around dinner time to see if my family was still here. He knew I had a few errands to run. Finally called around 5:30 and said he'd be back here at 7. That didn't leave me with enough time to do laundry... or watch a movie. So I put all of today's photos on my computer, updated my blog and basically just killed time. At 7:15 he called and hadn't even left the house yet to take his son home. By the time he gets here it will be about 8:00 and there is no point in trying to get errands done. Needless to say I am a little aggravated right now. I just wasted the entire day as a result and it means that I don't get to relax tomorrow. I have to do everything then. I knew I should've just called a cab and gone down there myself.
He still wanted to try and get them done. I do not want to try and make it to FutureShop and Zellers with less then an hour before the stores close. For one, the stores are going to be busy and just aggravate me further. I'd be watching the clock and it just wouldn't be enjoyable. I used to work in retail so I know they don't want you there as the store is closing. Now I am trying to decide if I should start on laundry or just add it to the ever growing list of things to do tomorrow... like go shopping... go to the chiropractor... get my hair cut... I was hoping to have very little to do tomorrow so that I could feel like I had some time off. It was a nice thought.
So Steve should be here shortly and I have no desire whatsoever for him to be here. He's already pissed me off... can't he at least leave me alone for a while too? But no... Fanboy has to make an appearance... tell me all about his day... and just aggravate me further. Maybe I'll go to bed early tonight just to escape.
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