I feel like I am the negative shadow, personality wise. Quite often when under times of stress your alter ego emerges. As of late I feel like I am fighting with everyone and everything. It has taken all my strength to get to this point and now I just feel overwhelmed.
There are so many negative forces in my life and I feel like I am swimming against the tide and as a result am drowning. Too many voices in my head, all quick to share their opinion of what I should do. But they all have their own agenda. Why can't it be about what I want and what is best for me? When did human nature become so selfish?
As part of that negative shadow I see old ways emerge. I know that I shouldn't drink... at least not to escape. All it does is bring more pain. That has been the end result and you never really escape any ways. So far I have not gone back to the self-injury although I am tempted by it.... Tempted by the release it offers and the chance to go back to being numb.
So my withdrawal into myself is about self-preservation. I don't want more "noise" or "advice" from people. I just want to survive and find a way through this. At the moment that means isolation, just me and my thoughts.
Showing posts with label identity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label identity. Show all posts
Monday, August 27, 2007
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Shattered Beliefs
When you grow up in a household of neglect and abuse it really shakes your foundation. For one, you grow up believing that your parents would never lie to you. They are idealized and we see them as being perfect. In far too many instances that isn't true though. Every type of abuse also includes an emotional component. But the abuse shapes your identity.
After being told I was worthless and a whole variety of other things I really withdrew. I didn't want other people to know about the abuse and I didn't value myself at all. I tried to be invisible. I also learned to be completely numb and not to trust anyone. Every time I trusted someone I just got hurt. And those scars never go away. I still carry that with me. I can't bring myself to ask someone for help because I absolutely do not value myself and devalue myself.
I went to school for psychology because I knew I could relate and didn't want other people to go through what I did and be left questioning it like I was. But that was not to be the career path I ended up on. Maybe a good thing since I still have not dealt with that issue
Every time I think about it and how my parents lied I have mixed emotions. My parents always denied there was any abuse. So it's tough to admit that it wasn't right and there really was abuse going on. It's easy to justify the behaviour on account of depression or what not. Like most abused kids there is also guilt. We blame ourselves for everything. But there is also sadness for the stolen childhood and the pain that was caused. Not only that but there is also a certain amount of anger as well. They fucked up my life, shaped my life, and I always feel like I will never be free. But every time I get angry I always end up reminding myself that I am the one that shaped my destiny, not them... and it was my decisions. So to a certain degree I blame myself for the effects it has had. As a reuslt I never end up confronting those demons and have never allowed myself the chance to grieve, to feel that sense of loss and move on with my life and freedom.
The conflicted emotions just make it more difficult to deal with. Especially for someone that wants to be numb and not feel anything. I also don't feel I am strong enough to move past that on my own. I suppose that's not really a surprise since I know there is a great deal of pain. I can see it in my eyes. I'm also not sure I want anyone to see me actually feel those emotions. Aside from Adam it might be a difficult thing for anyone that knows me... and knows that I do not cry. I'm also raised with the question of forgiveness. Since I was raised going to church every Sunday I know that I should forgive them. Believe me that's a hard concept for me. They lied to me. They hurt me deeply. And now I feel like I have to forgive them in order to be free. Christian ideals in conflict with deep seeded pain. Not sure which one will win there.
After being told I was worthless and a whole variety of other things I really withdrew. I didn't want other people to know about the abuse and I didn't value myself at all. I tried to be invisible. I also learned to be completely numb and not to trust anyone. Every time I trusted someone I just got hurt. And those scars never go away. I still carry that with me. I can't bring myself to ask someone for help because I absolutely do not value myself and devalue myself.
I went to school for psychology because I knew I could relate and didn't want other people to go through what I did and be left questioning it like I was. But that was not to be the career path I ended up on. Maybe a good thing since I still have not dealt with that issue
Every time I think about it and how my parents lied I have mixed emotions. My parents always denied there was any abuse. So it's tough to admit that it wasn't right and there really was abuse going on. It's easy to justify the behaviour on account of depression or what not. Like most abused kids there is also guilt. We blame ourselves for everything. But there is also sadness for the stolen childhood and the pain that was caused. Not only that but there is also a certain amount of anger as well. They fucked up my life, shaped my life, and I always feel like I will never be free. But every time I get angry I always end up reminding myself that I am the one that shaped my destiny, not them... and it was my decisions. So to a certain degree I blame myself for the effects it has had. As a reuslt I never end up confronting those demons and have never allowed myself the chance to grieve, to feel that sense of loss and move on with my life and freedom.
The conflicted emotions just make it more difficult to deal with. Especially for someone that wants to be numb and not feel anything. I also don't feel I am strong enough to move past that on my own. I suppose that's not really a surprise since I know there is a great deal of pain. I can see it in my eyes. I'm also not sure I want anyone to see me actually feel those emotions. Aside from Adam it might be a difficult thing for anyone that knows me... and knows that I do not cry. I'm also raised with the question of forgiveness. Since I was raised going to church every Sunday I know that I should forgive them. Believe me that's a hard concept for me. They lied to me. They hurt me deeply. And now I feel like I have to forgive them in order to be free. Christian ideals in conflict with deep seeded pain. Not sure which one will win there.
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