All About Self Preservation

I feel like I am the negative shadow, personality wise. Quite often when under times of stress your alter ego emerges. As of late I feel like I am fighting with everyone and everything. It has taken all my strength to get to this point and now I just feel overwhelmed.

There are so many negative forces in my life and I feel like I am swimming against the tide and as a result am drowning. Too many voices in my head, all quick to share their opinion of what I should do. But they all have their own agenda. Why can't it be about what I want and what is best for me? When did human nature become so selfish?

As part of that negative shadow I see old ways emerge. I know that I shouldn't drink... at least not to escape. All it does is bring more pain. That has been the end result and you never really escape any ways. So far I have not gone back to the self-injury although I am tempted by it.... Tempted by the release it offers and the chance to go back to being numb.

So my withdrawal into myself is about self-preservation. I don't want more "noise" or "advice" from people. I just want to survive and find a way through this. At the moment that means isolation, just me and my thoughts.

Personal Legacy of Abuse

My Life as a Cutter

WARNING: The following might be graphic and is potentially triggering. So you may not want to continue reading if you are currently feeling tempted yourself.

Some days I really wish there could be peace. I always feel like I am looking for answers. I am looking for a reason. Why did thing happen the way they did? Is it all about fate? Or just randomness? Sometimes there are no easy answers... or answers at all. Just more questions.

In my head I know that my mom lied to me. I know that I was a victim. But as I struggle to stay afloat and avoid bankrupcy there is this still small voice in my head wondering if maybe she was right. Maybe I really am nothing. Maybe I really will amount to nothing. I should be proud of the job I do at work and the fact I've been there for 4 years. But as I struggle to make ends meet pride gives way to doubt.

The more I doubt myself the more I feel like I am surrounded by blackness. When I was younger I learned that the only way I could bring about balance and stop the emotional pain was to cut. The scars are a reminder and are nothing compared to the pain of being a survivor. But there is so much shame in self-injury. I almost lost my job because of it (the irony being that I hadn't cut in 9 months at the time). But every day I still battle it. The temptation is strong, overwhelming at times. I fear that my strength just won't be enough. I fear that I will go back to it.

The only question that I wanted answered is why? Why did this happen to me? It is a question that will never have an answer. There is no why... there is only the need to get past it. To move on with life and learn from the past.

Daily Reminder

For anyone that might have seen this bracelet and wondered why I wear it... since it's just a cheap bracelet... it's my daily reminder that I am still alive. It also reminds me of the pain of living. Most importantly, it's a reminder that the self-injury is in recovery.

Most people believe it is really easy to just give up. Why would you intentionally hurt yourself? But it's an addictive behaviour and it's effective. It's not an easy road, especially at the moment.

But I have now given myself permission to use the self-injury if I need to in order to survive. I'm not saying that I am going back to it. It's been over a year now :o) But if I am not doing it to appease someone (Val) and not for myself then it's not benefitting me. All that means is that she is controlling the behaviour. I'm not perfect. I am going to fail at some point. Life on my terms... Hopefully I can continue to find other ways to cope... but anyone that wants to stop me can go to hell. I'm not trying to be harsh there. But the people that try and stop me have no problem with me drinking to the point of alcohol poisoning... or starving myself.... yet these are more dangerous then cutting myself ever will be.

Recovery does not imply perfection and no slip-ups. It's fantastic that it has been over a year but it's been over a year for the wrong reasons. I am tempted probably every single day... especially right now as I try to come to terms with my life and the abuse. If anyone wants to hate me or judge me if I do back to it... feel free. I can guarantee that I'll have a few issues with myself as it is. But remember, it's not your life... you do not control me... and we all have our negative ways of coping. So if you plan on condemning me for it... or reminding me of how bad it is (trust me I already know) then you better be offering suggestions on other ways to cope and you better have the time to hear me out.

Questioning Everything

I'm still going through a mix of emotions and there are a lot of questions that come up as I begin the healing process. I've spent so long pushing it into the background and just accepting it as my reality that I don't know how to deal with the emotions. I also wonder if I have a right to be angry. Part of that comes back to me justifying my mother's behaviour. She was depressed and learned some of the behaviours from her father. But that doesn't make it right. There are a few contradicitons and I am not sure how to reconcile the two. For instance, any type of abuse involves a betrayal but since it's the family there is still a sense of loyalty. Since they were my parents there is love... but because of the detrimental affects there is also a certain element of hate.

I was raised going to church every Sunday and with the whole Christian values. The Bible says to honor your parents and love them. So I feel like I shouldn't hate them... which leads to me wondering what the appropriate response is. I also wonder if I have to forgive them in order to move forward. I'm not sure I can do it.

I also wonder how I can face the pain... the hurt... all the emotions without self destructing. Now that is something I am good at. I'm surprised I am even still alive. I never thought I would be. Between the eating disorder, the self-injury, the binge drinking, the risky sex, and the smoking... They're the only coping mechanisms I know. And all of them are damaging, one way or another.

If I actually face it and work past it will I ever be able to trust people again? With the neglect, as well as the abuse I became a ghost and talked to no one. I was judged by a lot of people and was condemned by most of them as well. As well I wanted to keep the family secret so I trusted no one... well almost no one. I also got to the point where I thought I wasn't worth anybody else's time. Even now I struggle with asking for help or starting the conversation. I know it's not true but I always think I'd be wasting their time. It's not easy to break that and actually trust people. It means being vulnerable... letting go... something I haven't been able to do in a very long time, if I ever could.

Why do I still want their approval? I know it's a lost cause. I know I made it through... I got my degree... I've got a job... yet I still want them to say "Job well done." I keep in touch hoping that one day I will actually hear some sort of praise.... And because I never heard it while growing up I doubt myself and my abilities all the time. I second guess myself and while I can easily find fault in something I'm doing... I don't accept the compliments of others very well. I managed to just shrug it off.

Should I sever all ties? Being in contact with them only causes more pain for me. Things have never changed and they still deny there was any abuse. That leaves me wondering if I should even have contact with them. That comes back to the loyalty. I feel like I have to stay in touch... like I am a bad daughter if I don't.

One of the most challenging questions is "Who am I?" I've been wearing masks for so long... and hiding who I was... that I've forgotten who I really am. The effects of being a victim of abuse is so entwined in my identity that it really has shaped who I am and where I am in my life. All of my coping mechanisms have been extremely negative and often quite damaging. I didn't care if I lived or died. I was an anorexic by the time I was 10. Needless to say that has health consequences and has made it difficult for me to gain weight. I've had alcohol poisoning more times then I would like to admit to. I always set myself up for bad situations even though I know better... and as a result have been raped by 5 different people. So now I see sex as pretty much meaningless (except for Adam... that was different) and it has an association with violence. Cutting yourself on purpose is obviously fucked up and harmful. I went to university to prove that my parents were wrong... that I really could do something with my life. I went into psychology and looking back I wonder if it was an attempt to heal myself or because I had been there so I wanted to help others. So when you start removing all those things and peeling back the layers what is left? Who am I?

I also wonder if the following quote is true... and if it is... then is there even a point to dealing with it and working through the emotions?

"Man... cannot learn to forget, but hangs on the past: however far or fast he runs, that chain runs with him." (Friedrich Nietzsche)

Vices

As soon as it was confirmed that I would have to see the hematologist I suddenly was craving a smoke. I know the motivation was to calm myself down but it was also because I don't have any good coping mechanisms. So I end up stuck between a rock and a hard place. I am suddenly filled with emotion and don't know what to do with. Then it just builds and sometimes I will become a pressure cooker. But I don't really want to go back to smoking. For one, smoking decreases your white blood cell count. Secondly, I really dont want to go back to that. I don't want to go back to drinking either. I have no desire to have a drink... or maybe it's the seizures that come with going overboard *lol*

The problem is that I am left with one vice that I am really battling now. I don't like this feeling of helplessness and the uncertainty. I have such mixed emotions that I want to go back to being numb. But to do that... or at least to give into that vice... would leave people really upset. I'm not even sure that recovery is even about me. I wonder if I stopped because of the stigma and the opinions of other people. Now self-injury is not a good thing... but at the same time I want to be able to cope however I deem necessary. Or I would at least like to be the one making the choice not to give into it. Right now I don't feel like it is my choice at all. Maybe that is why it is tempting me. It is very much an internal struggle right now. I'm alone... isolated... virtually no support system... and I want to feel nothing. So I will continue to battle through it but I don't see it going any way... since I have 2 weeks until the hematologist and even then I won't have answers immediately. What am I supposed to do? How do I get through this?

Self-Injury

Time for a more revealing look at my life... or at least one aspect of my life. I've touched on it in a couple of posts now. See also, "Labels"and "Broken Promises". Time to delve into the world self-injury. It's not about suicide... or attention. I was a cutter because it was a way to cope. I couldn't deal with the emotional side of things, still can't, and so it was easier to cut and give myself something physical to focus on. When you cut yourself your body automatically reacts as a self-preservation mechanism and works to heal itself. I'd like to say I've stopped completely... but I haven't found anything to replace it with. I haven't cut myself (at least not on purpose) since April but I already broke the promise and bought a knife again. Will I go back to it? At this point I don't know. It's like the creed of an alcoholic... "One day at a time." Baby steps.

Predator & Prey

"Stare at my face stare in my soul" (Disturbed) I already know what my eyes say. They show the pain and the dispair... and the hopelessness I currently feel. Been a long time since I really felt this way. I think the last time was when I still lived at home. I felt like there was no way out... worst feeling in the world. The last time I became really self destructive. Only time will tell what will happen this time around.

I had a good day at work... I was happy there. It's the coming home I hate. And no that's not because I am a workaholic... or because I hate my place. I love my apartment. It's the roommate situation that has me feeling this way.

Let me take a trip back in time here... I remember the days when I was at the Junction every Saturday night. I was social and smiled a lot more. Now I am just a caged animal, trapped at home. Back in my social days I was dating Adam. I stopped going out quite as much but on Friday nights we were usually at the pool tournament at the Sin Bin. Steve would follow me down there so even though I was in a serious relationship he didn't quite give up. Then in February, 2005, the relationship ended. Steve had me right where he wanted me. I was afraid because of Adam's delusions, had a breakdown, and needed a way out. Steve wanted to be the knight in shining armour... bail me out.. and make me owe him. But I was desperate. I needed money to pay first and last.

Biggest mistake of my life. I haven't stopped paying for that one. Since his name is on the lease I can't get rid of him. I did have a roommate until October. Then he moved out and SS saw an opportunity there as well. I was dating Tristan but he wanted to keep his hold on me. So he moved in. Keeps teling me he is moving out and then brings more stuff over instead. He is the main reason Tristan and I didn't get back together.

It takes a lot of energy out of you to deal with this... especially when the obsession has gone on for three years now. I have no life any more. I barely even leave the building. It's been almost a week since I left the building at all... and even then I was at the chiropractor's and running errands. I'm a shadow of my former self. I can't go anywhere. If I go to the bar he'll follow... and if I can escape that he'll still take advantage of me being intoxicated. It's a lose lose situation. So instead I hide at home.

Something has to change though. Or I am going to end up self destructing... one way or another. I can't keep going like this. It's slowly killing me. I keep looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. All I see is more darkness. He is the predator and I am the prey.