Turning Points

My vacation has really given me a chance to just be. Usually I am so caught up in the daily grind that life just passes me by. It's all about what I have to do. Next thing I know days... and then weeks... have gone by. It's like the song says, "Every day is exactly the same." The time off has also given me a chance to reflect. People have asked me if I regret going to school knowing the debt load I now carry and the issues I've had with interest relief. The answer is no. While I would like to be out of debt I don't regret the four years I spent at Huron. Looking back... that might have been the best years of my life.

There was never a question of whether or not I would go to university. It was assumed that I would go to school. I suppose I ultimately had a choice but the thought of not going never crossed my mind. The only question was what school? I chose Huron because I loved the campus at Western. Huron was more of a challenge to get into and smaller classes. I always was up for a challenge and never took the easy road.

There are always turning points in our lives. These pivotal moments shape the course our lives take. Sometimes they are small decisions that we think will have no consequence and other times they are big decisions. Going to university was one of those turning points for me. One of my reflections was on my life at the same time. Back in 1998 when I left for school I was 19 and was filled with anger. I had a chip on my shoulder and was on the fast track for disaster. Around the same time my best friend went into a treatment program and my first love went to jail. I had taken a year off between high school and university so I was working. But my job was only part time. Left me a lot of time to get into trouble. I was developing a drinking problem. My friends from work were into drinking and drugs. Had I not gone to school I likely would've chosen that path.

I can wonder what my life would've been like but I'll never know. I left that life behind, as well as those friends. Not to say life has been easy since that point... Life is never easy. But it was one of the best decisions that I ever made. Look at where I am now. I quit smoking... quit drinking (except for on special occassions).... and have ben working for the same company for 4 years. Compared to where I was at 19 that is quite an achievement.

The Grieving Process

My vacation was supposed to be about many things. it was supposed to be about time off. It was also supposed to be about stress reduction and relaxation. Hmm... so far the only one that looks like it's happening is the time off. The stress level is increasing, not decreasing. But, most of all, I wanted time to myself. I wanted to just shut myself off from everyone and use the quiet time for reflection. I know I think all the time any ways... but I actually wanted to take the opportunity to grieve. While there might not have been a death I feel I need to grieve the loss of innocence, of my childhood and of all things good. I wanted to feel all the emotions that go with it... the anger... the rage... the sadness... and the intense hurt and betrayal. Correction I don't want to feel them but I need to in order to ever get past it. Seeing as I don't do well with emotion and refuse to show it there is no way I can really process that and deal with it when someone else is here. There's too much background noise when someone else is around. Right now there is also far too much negative energy that I need to deal with first. Looks like I might be taking another week off to grieve... and no one will be allowed here for that one.