Grief & Mourning

All too often grief is associated with death. It's like you are not allowed to grieve for any other reason. As taken from Wikipedia, "Grief is a multi-faceted response to loss. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, it also has a physical, cognitive, behavioural, social and philosophical dimensions. Common to human experience is the death of a loved one, be they friend, family, or other. While the terms are often used interchangeably, bereavement often refers to the state of loss, and grief to the reaction to loss. Losses can range from loss of employment, pets, status, a sense of safety, order, possessions, to the loss of the people nearest to us. Our response to loss is varied and researchers have moved away from conventional views of grief (that is, that people move through an orderly and predictable series of responses to loss) to one that considers the wide variety of responses that are influenced by personality, family, culture, and spiritual and religious beliefs and practices."

Based on that grief is simply about loss... Everyone is different, a combination of genes and cultural background. No one reacts the same way to situations and not everyone grieves in the same way. When I had to put Tigger down it was a very tough thing for me. It was like he was my child. But I felt that it was stupid... He was a pet. Tigger was more then that to me. He was a part of the family. And I had every right to grieve his loss.

Whatever the loss... people have a right to grieve. As part of my healing I am allowing myself to grieve.... Grieving what I lost. I lost my innocence and my childhood. I was robbed through abuse and neglect. There is a sense of loss. Right and wrong was challenged... Lies and truth sometimes the same. And now I am mourning those losses and allowing myself to feel that pain, that hurt and the betrayals.

The Recovery Process

I needed the vacation not only to relax but also to start the process of healing... For so long I thought that by acknowledging the abuse it was good enough. That was all I needed... And while there is freedom in reconizing it that alone does not bring with it healing.

As I write this I do feel a profound sense of loss. In many ways I am still just a child. I may be 27 years old but a part of me is trapped... a prisoner to the past. No family is perfect but most people grow up in a world of safety. To a child parents are godlike. We deify them. Whatever they say must be true. This has important ramifications when parents are abusive.

When someone we love dies we know that grief is a common response and that it is okay.. that it is a necessary step. When it comes to abuse it is still a topic that people don't want to talk about. Even in psychology we talk about the symptoms of abuse and how devastating it is for the victim but there are no real guidelines on how you should feel... and how you get past it.

How should I feel? Your entire worldview is shaped by what your family is like... for better and for worse. Should I grieve what I've lost? In a sense a part of me has died, namely the inquisitve child... the one that is still innocent.... that believes all people are good. Do I have a right to be angry? We're taught to internalize the anger and that hate and anger are negative emotions. Therefore, we shouldn't feel them. I am struggling with that. I understand the need to grieve... but because they're my parents I still feel, even 20 years later, that I shouldn't be angry. That they were just following the cycle of violence. But that would relieve them of their responsibility. It was their responsibility to protect me and they fell short. But I still can't bring myself to feel that rage.

The biggest challenge for me is whether or not I need to forgive them. There was a line in the movie "A Thousand Acres" that said "How do you forgive someone that shows no remorse?" It is much easier to forgive someone when they are truly sorry. How about when they deny? My parents have always denied the abuse and accused me of trying to disrupt the family. So how do you forgive them? And do I need to?

I wrestle with the answers to these questions and with the road that lies ahead. I know it's not an easy one since you can't just undo the past and be instantly cured. I have to change my entire belief system and in essence construct an entirely new reality. Step 1: Healing the hurt within.

The Grieving Process

My vacation was supposed to be about many things. it was supposed to be about time off. It was also supposed to be about stress reduction and relaxation. Hmm... so far the only one that looks like it's happening is the time off. The stress level is increasing, not decreasing. But, most of all, I wanted time to myself. I wanted to just shut myself off from everyone and use the quiet time for reflection. I know I think all the time any ways... but I actually wanted to take the opportunity to grieve. While there might not have been a death I feel I need to grieve the loss of innocence, of my childhood and of all things good. I wanted to feel all the emotions that go with it... the anger... the rage... the sadness... and the intense hurt and betrayal. Correction I don't want to feel them but I need to in order to ever get past it. Seeing as I don't do well with emotion and refuse to show it there is no way I can really process that and deal with it when someone else is here. There's too much background noise when someone else is around. Right now there is also far too much negative energy that I need to deal with first. Looks like I might be taking another week off to grieve... and no one will be allowed here for that one.