All I Want to Do is Cut

I honestly don't know what's going on with myself. I feel totally off balance and all I want to do is go back to the cutting... as if that will stop the emotional side of things and regain balance. It's almost becoming a consuming thought. I broke my bracelet, not that losing it would be the reason that I don't go back to it but still it's like the alcoholic saying the serenity prayer in the morning. It was my reminder of where I have been, where I am going, and that I am still in recovery and always will be. I do get a lot of lot of strength from it. I think the only thing right now that stops me from doing it is the fact it has been 5 years now. I don't want to trade in the 5 years clean but I really do want to shut my mind off and make it go away!

I can't pinpoint one specific trigger but I can say there are quite a few different things weighing heavily on my mind right now. For one, if I don't have a summer job then I will be facing eviction. I wish that I could push that fact out of my mind and just concentrate on school but I can't. I have always been one to worry even about things that are out of my control. I mean I have some control over it but I can't start work for another month so really there is no point worrying about it. Doesn't stop me though.

A couple of weeks ago I got a letter from the dean for academic achievement. Should have been great news. And I was proud of myself for about 2 minutes. Then the thought crossed my mind, "even if she isn't proud of me I am." That really put a damper on my mood. I just wish that mom could be proud of me. I'm on the dean's list here. High up in the program. And then it just left me feeling like none of it mattered. After all I am killing myself for good grades and for what? I am the only one it matters too. That was made worse by the fact I was beating myself up for getting an 80% on an assignment. An 80% is still a good mark. But I was really upset with myself for it. I put way too much pressure on myself to do well... and some of that is because I keep thinking that if I do really well I will earn her respect... love even... Unconditional love? What is that? No idea.... Well I do.... but that comes more from my cat than from her....

Skip ahead to this week. This week was St. Patrick's Day. I hate St. Patrick's Day even though I am Irish. Nothing like the anniversary of losing your virginity to a date rape happening on a holiday. Then it becomes kind of in your face and even if you wouldn't have remembered otherwise... now you do. And people want to know what your plans are... and why you are not wearing green... and all you want to do is get through the day and pretend that it doesn't exist. It's been 18 years so most times it's not that big a deal. I am not haunted by the images any longer. But this year it has been different. The day before I was with a few class mates in the cafeteria and for whatever reason the topic of discussion was losing your virginity, parental sex education, menstruation and what not. One of my buddies does not like the topic at all and was pretty uncomfortable. He wasn't alone. For them it was all "ha ha" moments. But for me well... my parents skipped the sex ed conversation since to them you just don't have it before marriage (sorry mom and dad but as of writing this I have now had 35 partners... and very few of them I even gave a damn about). I was neglected so when it came to coming of age I had to teach myself everything which is a source of embarrassment. But really... thanks for the reminder that my first time was rape.... Because my parents didn't seem to think a 13 year old dating an 18 year old was an issue. And by them talking about it... especially so close to the actual anniversary I ended up reliving it and then everything that has happened since. I pretty much bolted from the conversation and then got to relive the sexual violence.

I don't know how to make it stop. I have been restless... not able to get any work done.... angry... upset... hurt... all these emotions. I almost snapped on a couple of good friends just to push them away. A little projection any one? or at least defense mechanisms. I guess I just really want to be numb. I want to feel nothing. Which leads to me wanting to cut in the hopes that it would allow me to be numb.

Just Leave Me Alone

The more stressed I become the more I pull back and go into isolation mode. Of course the more stressed I become the more tired I also become. So it's really about self-preservation. The last 2 years have been a demonstration of this. I don't want to go out and be social. There are other factors involved but stress is a HUGE factor. For the most part I just want everyone to leave me alone... well okay there are a few people that can always brighten my day. As for Steve, I would really like him to just leave me alone. Yesterday I made the mistake of asking what he was doing after work, I was just making conversation. Specifically I asked him if he was going to his storage unit after work since he is trying to clear it out. His actual response was "I'd rather play with you." I was actually a little taken aback. I mean there is no secret that he wants me... but this is the company email. Let's not go for suggestive comments. I turned him down but he doesn't get the hint that it's him I don't want. He either thinks I am sick, tired, stressed... or have some other reason. But it couldn't possibly be him. A while back he had a passing interest in someone else. Yesterday he was saying that she had told people he was expecting things of her. Or at least that was the impression she had. I was only half paying attention and I do agree with that assessment. So I was just like "Mmm-hmmm" and then he couldn't believe I was agreeing with it. I said something about the workplace and perceptions. I really didn't want to see his anger. I've seen it before and it was ugly. To a certain degree I have resigned myself to the fact I am not getting rid of him. I know I need to stand up for myself and say no to him. I wish it was that easy. Nothing in life is that simple. I fear what would happen if I did that. I'm also a doormat. I'd rather just take the abuse so that other people don't have to. And I am scared about what would happen if I did cut off all contact. He has this tendency to show up at will as it is. And, the one thing I hvae learned about a restraining order... it doesn't apply to work. I just can't win. And I just want to be left alone.

Defeated... Again

I think I have hit rock bottom. No money for groceries... and still no money for bills. It's an incredibly tough place to be. I'm working 55 hours a week just to try and recover from the whole battle with interest relief. Long hours and it just makes me more fatigued. So far it hasn't been too bad. But then it's not all that great either. If I was working for the extra money... and would have it to spend that might be one thing. But needing it to pay bills makes it a whole other story. And just adds to the stress.

I love my job and I do find it really rewarding. About the only stumbling block seems to surround pay. As a result of the current circumstance I feel pretty defeated. all the old memories from when I was growing up... The thoughts that I'm not good enough. I feel like I'm nothing... and I am always going to be nothing. Not that it takes much for me to doubt myself. I'm good at that.

It's been a long, drawn out week. Once pay day hit and I was officially broke I actually felt a little better. I guess because financially it couldn't get worse. I will freely admit that I am proud and try not to feel emotion, let alone show it. But it has just been an emotional rollercoaster. There have been many a night with me in tears. I am also a control freak and there just hasn't been a solution. I mean I am now digging myself out of it with overtime... but no permanent solution. It's not like my student loans are going away. Even if I do get the interest relief this time that's only a 6 month reprieve and then I face the same battle all over again. I need to find some way out of that.

Help

Pride is one of my weaknesses... and being stubborn. As evidenced by the last post I am having a tough time right now... and being postive is becoming a losing battle. Worst part is that I don't see an end in sight. I've always been high strung... mainly because there always seems to be a lot of stress in my life. I am a type A personality... I admit it. But the more shit that happens the more stressed I become and the more it becomes a vicious cycle because I've never learned good ways to deal with it and actually relieve the stress.

More importantly I am unable to ask for help... It's a combination of me being stubborn... my lack of trust... and my own self worth. I never think that I am worth someone's time and figure they don't want to hear my tale of woe. So I stay silent and try to carry the cross alone. Right now that is proving to be a bit much.

The one year anniversary of the assault is coming up... and I hadn't been thinking about it at all... Then a random comment the other day about rumours made it come to mind... After all the rumour was that I was a "lying bitch." The police showing up really brought it to the forefront. Then I couldn't escape it or deny it. But I still have not allowed myself to relive the experience. I can't... I see it as if it were a movie... in segments. Every time I can't handle it. I have to look away. I know it's my mind protecting itself... by repressing the memory and not dealing with it. I'm also afraid to... Afraid of being overwhelmed and not being able to deal with it.... Afraid of going back to the cutting.

So do I need help? I'm sure I do... Will I ever ask for it? Not a chance.

The Stress of Student Loans

I am so frustrated I could cry. I won't because I'm stubborn and prefer escapism... but it has been a really long couple of weeks.... just look at the recent posts on my main page. The big one for me is the student loans. That is an instant stressor. I don't have $600 a month to pay that off... And I know I make close to the max amount to qualify. I make about $2300 gross a month. Too bad only about $1600 is take home... Just my student loan and rent would be $1346. I get pretty stressed just thinking about it. And knowing that they called is an added frustration. Now I have to call them back and fight with them some more. Then I'll probably have to send in a copy of all my pay stubs again... and eventually might get the money back from the bank... if I am lucky. I fucking hate dealing with the government on this one... And I know it's not like things at my job are going to improve and help me pay those loans off. I can't avoid them forever but I also can't afford to pay them back... Like I needed any more stress currently.

The Grieving Process

My vacation was supposed to be about many things. it was supposed to be about time off. It was also supposed to be about stress reduction and relaxation. Hmm... so far the only one that looks like it's happening is the time off. The stress level is increasing, not decreasing. But, most of all, I wanted time to myself. I wanted to just shut myself off from everyone and use the quiet time for reflection. I know I think all the time any ways... but I actually wanted to take the opportunity to grieve. While there might not have been a death I feel I need to grieve the loss of innocence, of my childhood and of all things good. I wanted to feel all the emotions that go with it... the anger... the rage... the sadness... and the intense hurt and betrayal. Correction I don't want to feel them but I need to in order to ever get past it. Seeing as I don't do well with emotion and refuse to show it there is no way I can really process that and deal with it when someone else is here. There's too much background noise when someone else is around. Right now there is also far too much negative energy that I need to deal with first. Looks like I might be taking another week off to grieve... and no one will be allowed here for that one.