Truth & Consequences

We all lie... or withhold the truth. It's part of human nature. Some days I think we are driven by secrets and lies. But those lies can have serious consequences.. especially if you don't know they are lies. Just take a look at my family.

You have to be thin to be desirable. This one was actually an unwritten rule... but just as damaging. My sister couldn't live up to that expectation and was ridiculed as a result. I had an eating disorder for a decade to compensate but I never felt any better.

You're a slut. This one was one of the many insults my mother actually used. One of the biggest issues with this statement is that there is no point in being anything else. It really is self-defeating. If someone sees you as something you either fight it or give in to it. Told something long enough you end up giving in to it. That is what I became. I had a whole variety of reasons: to get over the sexual assault... to be numb... and because I'd been told it my entire life.

You're a bitch. As a kid how do you respond to that?

You're worthless. It's another self-destructive lie. But you spend your entire life trying to attain the unattainable. You believe that somehow you have to be good enough... to earn your worth. But it's a fallacy because you can never reach that, no matter what you do. The definition of wortless is "no worth or value." It's one of the most damaging lies. There is no escape and it becomes engrained in your head. Now I spend way too much time and energy trying to get their approval... and it will never happen.

You'll never amount to anything. The other damaging lie. When you are 13 years old and that gets beat into your head how do you combat it? I became a perfectionist.... I was always trying to prove them wrong. I had to succeed. I graduated from university to prove to them I could do it. But I still see myself as a failure.

These lies stay with you. When told by a parent, or someone we trust, we believe them. In turn these lies become our reality. I don't see myself as having value just for being me... I always feel like I have to prove myself. I have to earn my worth. No kid should ever have to go through that.

Raw Emotion

The fight with mom got me thinking... not like I need any help with that one. I spend too much time thinking as it is. But that fight brought things into focus for me. It helped me realize just how much power she had over me and how it was affecting me, even now. I've been out of that environment for 8 years now. Best thing for me was when my parents moved to BC and it was life on my terms. And then I moved to Peterborough. That wouldn't be a big deal except that mom ended up here as well. In some respects I feel like I did when I lived at home... all over again. I can't go through that again. I won't.

But with that realization also came great pain. I had acknowledged the emotional abuse... but I had made excuses for it and let her have power over me. I refused to allow myself to feel anything. I was scared I would self destruct. Plus when you are still in the situation you have to be strong. I wanted to be numb... to feel nothing. It was also about protecting myself. But now I am on my own and at a crossroads. A couple of days ago I was faced with the raw emotion that comes with accepting the fact you were a victim and there was nothing you could do about it. As a control freak I hate accepting the fact I had no power.

It's really difficult to face the fact your world view is completely based on lies and that your entire identity has been formulated around protection and the instability of family life. The other reason that I have been reluctant to face this is because it involves stripping down everything I know about myself and rebuilding. I have no idea who I am underneath that all.

When all you know is pain it's actually challenging to think about happiness. It seems like that would be a contradiction but there's safety in what you know and fear of the unknown. That's one more thing holding me back. Misery loves company

Sadness

Today was a weird day. I didn't get as much done as I would like to. I was only able to listen to one call... an hour and a half later... That was actually draining. Maybe it was the fact it was the first time I wanted to take over the call or hang myself with the phone cable. My own calls were okay, relatively speaking. Aside from the guy that wanted to know if the local Apple store was open and when I told him he'd have to call them back he told me I could "shove it up my a**" So other then him they were okay.

As I was writing my thoughts on Balance (see the post on my other blog http://chaordstudios.blogspot.com) I felt a little sad. 'Tis the season to be melancholy I suppose... at least when you don't want to see your family for the holidays. Or maybe it was the reminder that my life has been primarily chaos. When I think back to my childhood it pains me. I still have trouble getting angry with my parents. For as much as they hurt me there is still a sense of loyalty there. At the same time it has shaped me and my world view is a little skewed. It's also a large part of the reason I am afraid to have children. I do not want to repeat the mistakes of my parents. And now I'll end this with an illustration... a life lesson I wish my parents had learned.

"There was a little boy with a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, to hammer a nail in the back fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence.

Then it gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence. Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.

The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one.

You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there. A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one."