Help

Pride is one of my weaknesses... and being stubborn. As evidenced by the last post I am having a tough time right now... and being postive is becoming a losing battle. Worst part is that I don't see an end in sight. I've always been high strung... mainly because there always seems to be a lot of stress in my life. I am a type A personality... I admit it. But the more shit that happens the more stressed I become and the more it becomes a vicious cycle because I've never learned good ways to deal with it and actually relieve the stress.

More importantly I am unable to ask for help... It's a combination of me being stubborn... my lack of trust... and my own self worth. I never think that I am worth someone's time and figure they don't want to hear my tale of woe. So I stay silent and try to carry the cross alone. Right now that is proving to be a bit much.

The one year anniversary of the assault is coming up... and I hadn't been thinking about it at all... Then a random comment the other day about rumours made it come to mind... After all the rumour was that I was a "lying bitch." The police showing up really brought it to the forefront. Then I couldn't escape it or deny it. But I still have not allowed myself to relive the experience. I can't... I see it as if it were a movie... in segments. Every time I can't handle it. I have to look away. I know it's my mind protecting itself... by repressing the memory and not dealing with it. I'm also afraid to... Afraid of being overwhelmed and not being able to deal with it.... Afraid of going back to the cutting.

So do I need help? I'm sure I do... Will I ever ask for it? Not a chance.