My Own Private Hell

Why is it that when it rains it just pours in my life.... I swear to god someone is out to get me.... Nothing ever runs smoothly for any length of time. Just when I think things are going well the rug gets pulled out from under me. And then somehow it becomes my own private hell with no way out.

Where do I begin on that one??? I am really trying to stay positive but it's becoming increasingly hard... I think it all started with the news that I wasn't being put forward for an interview for the team leader position. 5 months after my return they still didn't think I was up for the position. What more do I have to do? It's hard not to be really discouraged by that for many reasons. For one... my mom had gone on a long speech that I wasn't good enough. Looks like work, or at least certain people there, agreed. Plus, to a certain degree, my former TL had something to do with it. All I can do now is keep working hard and continue to prove myself.

Then there was my annual review. I was really stressed about that... and I'm not sure the stress ever really went away. I knew she was going to have a lot of negative things to say. Some of them true... but not all of them. It's hard to sit in a room and be reminded of what they thought. I know she tried to focus on the positive changes... but that isn't what I'm going to remember. And, of course, I didn't get my raise.

The same day I was listening to an agent looking for trends... somehow that turned into a 2.5 hour coaching session. Really wasn't what I was planning for the day. I missed my chiropractor appointment and it became a 12 hour day.

I may have had a three day weekend but this entire week I hven't been sleeping all that well and feel like I am fighting everything when I do get up. Makes it difficult to deal with customers and with agents. I've had a tough time getting Aces done as well which makes it worse. One more day to go... Now if I could just get some rest.

Financially it has also been rough... which always stresses me out. Goddamn student loans... It's probably the stress from being this broke... and not even knowing the status of my interest relief application that is making me cranky. It's hard to relax when you have absolutely no money... are late on bills... and know that the student loan center could just yank the money out as well. I have to call tomorrow and find out what they want.

Just when I thought it couldn't get worse... the police show up... basically just to remind me the charges were dropped. There was no such thing as justice. And thanks for the fucking reminder. Like I really needed it. Since the excuse they gave me was that there was a lack of witnesses I'd like to know what the hell they wanted... an accomplice to be videotaping the encounter? Last time I checked the legal definition of rape included intoxication and/or being unconscious. You couldn't give consent... But apparently that is meaningless. It's all pointless. It was an exercise in futility... he won... I lost... He gets his freedom and I get a lifetime of memories and pain.

This really has become my own private hell... Is there any way to make it stop? Why is it that I never get any peace? It doesn't seem to matter what I do there is no rest... all I see is chaos... and pain. A life of pain is no life at all... Somehow that is all it ever seems to be. Is there a point to existence? What did I do in a past life to deserve this??? Sleep... about the only time I feel nothing. Sleep... glorious sleep...