Another Useless Argument

I called in sick this morning but had to get ahold of my ride to let him know I didn't need a ride. All I wanted to do is go back to bed. After all it was 8:30 in the morning and I called in sick so that I could get some sleep. I was also in the middle of a Fibromylgia flare-up so there was a great deal of pain. Steve was trying to tell me what career path to take. He seemed to think that I should apply for Tier 2 so that I could get the apple certifcation. Then I could get a job elsewhere and potentially make more money. In theory it sounds nice, especially given my current circumstance. But it is a lateral move... In the interim I would be making the same amount of money. And, in the company, I would be limiting my career advancement. So yes it might be helpful if I was planning to relocate but otherwise I am not sure how it would be a good move. I'd have to go through the training... and then would not be able to apply for anything else for 6 months. As a performance coach I have a better shot at moving up to TL or TM. In all honesty I do not like troubleshooting. My degree is in psychology not computers. I prefer the coaching and would rather be a performance coach, especially if I am making the same amount of money. While it would be nice to be Apple certified it's not the be-all and end all in my world. I'm not sure why it turned into an argument any ways. Can't I decide what to do with my life? I have been working towards a team leader (if I relocate) or a team manager (if I stay here) position. It seems like that decision would be a step backwards. Not only should it be my choice and that decision should be final... but it's also not a discussion I want to have at 8:30 in the morning.

Defeated

For quite a while now I've been feeling restless. I think I have gone past that to the point of just feeling defeated. It started when my application for interest relief was denied. I thought in a couple of weeks that would be resolved and life would be back to normal. 2 months later I am running out of options. If it gets denied this time around I am just screwed. I am scared to death that it will be denied. I really need that money... and feel like I am drowning in debt. I should qualify for interest relief... so why do I have to fight for it? And why has it taken this long? Now I just feel empty... I go to work, except today when I called in sick... knowing that no matter how much I make it still won't be enough. It's very stressful and very tiring. Now there is just nothing left. In 2 weeks I figure I'll have hit rock bottom. Since by then I'll already have bills that are past due plus a new round of bills... and not be able to afford either. Now if my interest relief is approved finally then I should have $700 coming back to me. Of course, if it had been approved in the first place I wouldn't be this stressed and wouldn't be behind on my bills. The agony of defeat.

Justified Anger

I found out today that my former team manager has applied for a position at the Niagara Falls site. That news brings with it a certain amount of anger. I'm still not sure if it's justified or not... but I feel anger nonetheless. Nothing I did was ever going to be good enough for her. I worked my ass off day in and day out and it still wasn't enough. She cost me about $2000 with the LOA and I ended up on disciplinary action. If that wasn't enough she also cost me my raise and the possibility of a promotion. There was something satisfying about the fact she was an acting team manager until Diane comes back from maternity leave. I do not believe that she has earned the position. Chris will step on anyone to get what she wants. So the thought of her having a permanent position brings with it some unresolved anger issues. Not to mention the fact I was considering a position there when posted again... and Pat got a position there. I would really have to give it some thought if she was going to be the manager over me. I don't respect her and would have trouble with round 2.

I suspect that one way or another she will weasel her way in and will be around for a long time to come. Either she will head off to Niagara or a position will open up here and she will be given a permanent position. After all, Heather is also applying for a position there. So if she goes then a position would likely become available here. I pity anyone that works under Chris, I really do. I've been there... I know what the results are.

What I really don't understand is why they still think she is such a golden child. She is trying to turn it into a police state. None (or very few) of the PCs respect her. And when your subordinates don't respect you that's not a good sign. She showed her ineptitude with my LOA. How did it get to the point where I was considered a threat to myself or to others? Should it not have been dealt with sooner? I learned first hand that what your superior says goes and there is nothing you can do (or very little). Christie has said it's a night and day difference from what is in my file. That, to me at least, begs the question... Am I really that different now? Was the LOA really necessary? Or is it because I am away from my former TM? Dave was one of the most senior PCs and she made him feel like he couldn't do anything right. She openly insulted me in front of the agents. Some of her ideas just seem to be in left field. Since I went on my LOA back in January there are only 2 people still left on the team. Now 3 of them were promoted... but still. Those numbers don't seem to be very good. So why do they think so highly of her? She is one of the worst managers I've ever had... and yet they love her. I just don't get it...

Towing the Company Line

I've been working at the same place for almost 4 years now. Throughout my stay there I have been towing the company line, to the best of my abilities any ways... and I just seem to get fucked for it. Don't get me wrong... I still enjoy my job... and I do stand behind the company. There are just certain things that have irked me for a while now...

The first one was a meeting I had with my then team leader, Mike and team manager. I actually had the manager say "I find you negative and unapproachable and I don't want to give you an interview". At the time I was applying for a promotion... There was a lot more to it then that but that was the part I still remember 2 years later. I had to spend the entire time just keeping my mouth shut. At the time I was one of the top agents, stats wise and from what I can tell he was the only one that held that opinion. I didn't say a word. Later on I did get an apology from another manager.

Then I ended up in the middle of a situation where a team leader was trying to make me paranoid and was telling me that various people were watching me... or were out to get my job. When HR did get involved in that one I spared my team leader from being involved. I took on the full weight myself and took the brunt of the negative reaction when the other team leader was fired. I was under orders not to say anything and I didn't.

And then there was the rape. The irony is that the only reason I was even there that night was an email that was sent company wide about Shaun's birthday. Mike was too drunk to show up for work and in spite of being on a last chance agreement kept his job. I come back to work and get hauled into an office with a team manager and HR. I got told we were being kept separate (which they have to do since there was a court order in place) and not to say anything. Mike and Shaun had a nice slander campaign going and, in the last year, I have said nothing... I have not defended myself... or spoke negatively about him. I even had the police calling work and showing up there looking for me. And still I said nothing, even when asked by my current team manager. When the charges were dropped work immediately allowed him free reign of the building. And while I agree with the decision to allow unrestricted access to the entrances I believe they should have gone farther. All I really got was a shrug of the shoulders and the attitude that it didn't happen here. Recently they moved him back to the same floor as me... and any time I have to go to the printer or go to use the washroom he is right there, in my line of sight. Maybe it's just me... but that seems a little insensitive. Every day when I am at work I have to relive the experience and be reminded of that night. I have not asked for anything... I have played the political game... I have said nothing. But is it really so much to ask that he at least be in a location where I will not see him repeatedly throughout the day? Apparantly it is....

I know it's affecting me more because this weekend was the one year anniversary. But I am also still in shock that he was moved so close to me and having a tough time with it. And after getting so many lectures about being negative I don't feel like I can say anything. I am still scared of potential repurcusions... so I tend to keep my mouth shut at all times. Or at least I try to. I'm much safer that way.

The Illusion of Safety and Security

I was thinking last night about the illusion we have of being safe and secure. Now I know I am somewhat jaded. Right from the time I was little though that illusion was shattered. There was no one to protect me. I wasn't even safe in my own home. So why would I be safe in society? Safety is something we take for granted. We also have this idea of right and wrong... and assume that good will triumph. There is a naive sense of justice.

All right so I am jaded and bitter. I have learned first hand how cruel the world can be. I had those lessons from an early age. I grew up in a family of abuse. My innocence was taken away, along with my sense of identity. It was shaped around lies. Those lessons didn't stop there.

It has been almost a year since the rape. Once again my notion of saftey and security was destroyed. It wasn't the first time it happened but this time I was in my own home and this time I definitely said no. I'd like to say I am over it but there are still moments when I know I'm not. Moments when I feel alone, isolated and afraid. If it can happen in my own home then it can happen anywhere.

My bunny is the equivalent of a security blanket. He reminds me of a time of innocence. A time when the world made sense and it was a safe place. My version of therapy... the bunny... and Azrael.