I Don't Understand

In some ways this is the condensed version of a previous post and in some ways it's an expansion. In a nutshell I have a stalker. This person has an obsession with me and will not give up... in spite of 3 relationships. Not sure what I can do to convince this person that I am not interested. A few weeks ago things escalated with them. A more detailed synopsis can be found here. This post really isn't about my relationship them it's about my relationship with my mom.

The whole thing has left me with the phrase, "I don't understand" constantly going through my mind. I thought that parents were supposed to actually look out for the well-being of their children... even believe what they have to say. Instead she keeps trying to convince me that he is really just a good friend, even to the point of arguing with me.

I must say that if someone I knew (whether it was family, friend, acquaintance) said that they had a stalker and that this person had made them feel fear in their own home my reaction would have been much different. My first reaction would be to find out if they were okay and to make sure they were safe at that moment. Second to that would be to find out if they wanted to file a police report and if so if they wanted moral support.

It is not something to be taken lightly. And if someone feels threatened like that the last thing I would want to do is defend the other person and try to convince them that it wasn't true. Other people may have limited exposure to what's going on but really don't see the inner dynamics of the relationship. The victim sees it... and lives it.... and if they feel intimidated/bullied/harrassed by someone the last thing we should do is make them thing they're wrong and it's all in their head. Ultimately that just gives the stalker more power and makes the other person feel even more victimized.

Back to my mother though... I don't understand how she can simply say what a good friend he is when she knows next to nothing about him. She's met him for all of 5 minutes and that was about 3 years ago. Yes I make use of him to take me grocery shopping and what not... mainly because he won't leave me alone any ways... there have to be some perks. But that does not make a good friend. Let's make a list of all the things he's done that do not make for good friends.

• A good friend does not take advantage of you sexually when you're drunk and can't legally consent
• A good friend does not show up randomly, uninvited (now there are some friends that I would accept that from but that's because they won't show up ALL the time)
• A good friend does not try to break up your relationships so that you'll have more time for them
• A good friend does not try to prevent you from having a relationship
• A good friend does not make you feel claustrophibic where you see them so often that no one else seems to get your time
• A good friend accepts the fact that "no" really means no and allows you to move on.... without clinging to some hope that no might really become yes if you wait long enough
• A good friend can accept the fact that maybe it really is about them
• A good friend is not manipulative, controlling, and obsessive
• A good friend will not introduce fear into your home and make you scared

So, he's just a good friend? Mom even got mad at me when a week later I was ignoring him. Went back to trying to convince me that he was just trying to be a good friend and that he had no one... So I must be the mean one. Mmm kay.... I just don't understand.... And maybe that's a good thing. It means I'm not like her.

Landing on Both Feet

I realize that we are now more then halfway through 2008 but I wanted to take a moment to look back to 2007 since with my absence there were some things that were left out. Until now I don't think I realized just how much of myself I was sacrificing at work. Funny how it takes being fired to really find that freedom. No matter what I did it really didn't matter. I was doomed. I thought that it was going to be some big screw-up that sent me packing.... and it turned out to be the most innocent thing. well okay maybe not entirely innocent but it certainly wasn't about job performance. It was all over a picture that was posted on FaceBook. At the time it was like my world didn't even make sense. I thought this was my career. What was I going to do now? I watched as most of my friends abandoned me. I was now the pariah and since I didn't work there we no longer had things in common.

I think my theme song could be "Boulevard of Broken Dreams." I did have people that stood by me but they didn't understand what I was going through. After all it didn't happen to them. They still had their jobs. I felt alone, lost at sea. I was trying to fight a company and there were definitely times I questioned it... especially as the months dragged on and the more other people began to doubt. But I never gave up. I kept fighting and eventually I did win. I couldn't get my job back but I did get termination pay.

There is a lot of shame in being fired... even if it was not justified. While I was fighting them my employment record said, "terminated with cause." I was very reluctant to job hunt and go through interviews because I had no answer for why I left my last job. I didn't want to lie but couldn't tell the truth either. It took 9 months to be resolved.. 9 very long months.

In November I started working for my current company. I consider it to be a time of transition. I have no long term aspirations here.... no desire to move up the corporate ladder. It's more about just putting in the time and building up my confidence so that the old job will be but a distant memory when it comes time to do an interview. Aside from the low wages it is exactly what I need. Perfect for the slacker within all of us.

Now it's about moving forward.... and it's nice to be able to look back and see that I really did land on both feet. At the time I wasn't so sure and had no idea how I was going to make it. But the survival instinct kicked in and here we are. Just remember, one foot in front of the other.

Head vs Heart

Healing from the legacy of abuse is an ongoing process... One day at a time really. For far too long I have done little more then acknowledge it. But knowledge does not always imply truly accepting it. I really didn't want to accept the implications... that I was a victim... that it never should've happened... that my parents failed at the one thing they are supposed to do: protect their children. Okay so there are more responsibilities... but safety and security really is the foundation. I'm sure there was an element of denial in there. Well I know there was since my parents have always denied it... So that just fuels the denial from within.

It's also about cognitive dissonance. In a nutshell you can't have two contradictory thoughts. Well you can... but you strive to reduce (or even eliminate) the dissonance. We need unity and for our world to make sense. As a kid we have all these images of our parents and most of us put them on a pedestal. At the very least we don't expect them to be a monster. So, in our minds (I suppose I really shouldn't generalize here) we turn to other defense mechanisms like denial or blaming ourselves. It's about survival. You do what you have to... And often times it's easy to blame yourself... You must have deserved it. So even now I struggle to make the pieces of that puzzle fit and accept these contradictory images of who my parents really were.

I think the word of the day is acceptance. I have to be able to accept their flaws and really, truly accept the truth... not just pay lip service to it. I have had the thought before that it's like there is a separation between head and heart. My head (intellect) can admit that I grew up in a household with abuse and neglect but my heart (emotion) is still struggling to accept that. It's a work in progress.

So right now (well perhaps not at this exact moment) I am working on allowing myself to completely feel it... That sense of loss... and the pain... work through it... Come out the other side. And basically just make it so that intellect and emotion are in line.

And We're Back

After an extended absence and some soul searching I'm back. I almost took the Blog offline permanently. I had realized that my sister was reading it and suddenly felt like I had to hold back what I was saying. I already have one Blog that is about the more mundane ongoings in my life... my way to keep people up to date, mainly so I don't have to talk to them. This one is supposed to be my inner thoughts... my release. If I was censoring myself I really didn't see the point i updating it. And just as I was about to delete it altogether (now part of that was just a withdrawal where I wanted to pretty much delete my entire online footprint) it hit on me to just change the web site address and continue to hide it. Now I can say what I want without fear of hurting someone. I'll leave the updates for another post. For now this is my welcome back.