Head vs Heart

Healing from the legacy of abuse is an ongoing process... One day at a time really. For far too long I have done little more then acknowledge it. But knowledge does not always imply truly accepting it. I really didn't want to accept the implications... that I was a victim... that it never should've happened... that my parents failed at the one thing they are supposed to do: protect their children. Okay so there are more responsibilities... but safety and security really is the foundation. I'm sure there was an element of denial in there. Well I know there was since my parents have always denied it... So that just fuels the denial from within.

It's also about cognitive dissonance. In a nutshell you can't have two contradictory thoughts. Well you can... but you strive to reduce (or even eliminate) the dissonance. We need unity and for our world to make sense. As a kid we have all these images of our parents and most of us put them on a pedestal. At the very least we don't expect them to be a monster. So, in our minds (I suppose I really shouldn't generalize here) we turn to other defense mechanisms like denial or blaming ourselves. It's about survival. You do what you have to... And often times it's easy to blame yourself... You must have deserved it. So even now I struggle to make the pieces of that puzzle fit and accept these contradictory images of who my parents really were.

I think the word of the day is acceptance. I have to be able to accept their flaws and really, truly accept the truth... not just pay lip service to it. I have had the thought before that it's like there is a separation between head and heart. My head (intellect) can admit that I grew up in a household with abuse and neglect but my heart (emotion) is still struggling to accept that. It's a work in progress.

So right now (well perhaps not at this exact moment) I am working on allowing myself to completely feel it... That sense of loss... and the pain... work through it... Come out the other side. And basically just make it so that intellect and emotion are in line.