Confront Your Fears

I know it's a little too late for the Blog Carnival on Child Abuse... but the topic got me thinking. When I was in school at Huron there was a course on systematic desensitization which is used to treat phobias and anxiety disorder. As taken from Wikipedia, "To begin the process of systematic desensitization, one must first be taught relaxation skills in order to control fear and anxiety responses to specific phobias. Once the individual has been taught these skills, he or she must use them to react towards and overcome situations in an established hierarchy of fears. The goal of this process is that an indivudal will learn to cope and overcome the fear in each step of the hierarchy, which will lead to overcoming the last step of the fear in the hierarchy. Systematic desensitization is sometimes called graduated exposure therapy." In a nutshell it is based on the idea that you can't be relaxed and anxious at the same time. Now systematic desensitization is best at treating specific phobias... but there is a lot of truth to the fact you can't be relaxed and anxious at the same time. So I'm thinking I need to learn some relaxation techniques.

I was also thinking about the fears I have... most of them irrational. I have a fear of being alone. For a long time I went from relationship to relationship. My fear of being alone was linked to the idea that if I was alone then it meant no one loved me. It was an irrational fear... but then most fears are. While there are still times when I want to be in a relationship it's no longer about the fear. Now it's about companionship.

I also have a fear of failure. I feel like everything I do has to be perfect. I am human. I will make mistakes. And it is in those mistakes that we learn and grow. I feel like if I fail at one thing then it defines me and means I am a failure at everything. I'm getting better at accepting my limitations but still have a long way to go. I'm not about to purposefully fail at something just to prove that it's not the end of the world.

Being a victim of sexual assault has brought with it other fears. Fears that prevent me from going out. I'm scared it will happen again. It's not so easy to get past that fear. That seems to be a little more rational and not as easy to get past.

One of the steps in the healing process is to confront your fears or at least turn those irrational thoughts around. I have my doubts that I can do it all by myself, despite what I tell myself. I actually think I should undergo cognitive behavioural therapy... I just have trouble admitting that to other people. Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is based on the notion that thoughts determine feelings and behaviour. The goal of CBT is to change the thoughts and this in turn changes feelings and behaviours. Take the lies and turn them into the truth.

The Recovery Process

I needed the vacation not only to relax but also to start the process of healing... For so long I thought that by acknowledging the abuse it was good enough. That was all I needed... And while there is freedom in reconizing it that alone does not bring with it healing.

As I write this I do feel a profound sense of loss. In many ways I am still just a child. I may be 27 years old but a part of me is trapped... a prisoner to the past. No family is perfect but most people grow up in a world of safety. To a child parents are godlike. We deify them. Whatever they say must be true. This has important ramifications when parents are abusive.

When someone we love dies we know that grief is a common response and that it is okay.. that it is a necessary step. When it comes to abuse it is still a topic that people don't want to talk about. Even in psychology we talk about the symptoms of abuse and how devastating it is for the victim but there are no real guidelines on how you should feel... and how you get past it.

How should I feel? Your entire worldview is shaped by what your family is like... for better and for worse. Should I grieve what I've lost? In a sense a part of me has died, namely the inquisitve child... the one that is still innocent.... that believes all people are good. Do I have a right to be angry? We're taught to internalize the anger and that hate and anger are negative emotions. Therefore, we shouldn't feel them. I am struggling with that. I understand the need to grieve... but because they're my parents I still feel, even 20 years later, that I shouldn't be angry. That they were just following the cycle of violence. But that would relieve them of their responsibility. It was their responsibility to protect me and they fell short. But I still can't bring myself to feel that rage.

The biggest challenge for me is whether or not I need to forgive them. There was a line in the movie "A Thousand Acres" that said "How do you forgive someone that shows no remorse?" It is much easier to forgive someone when they are truly sorry. How about when they deny? My parents have always denied the abuse and accused me of trying to disrupt the family. So how do you forgive them? And do I need to?

I wrestle with the answers to these questions and with the road that lies ahead. I know it's not an easy one since you can't just undo the past and be instantly cured. I have to change my entire belief system and in essence construct an entirely new reality. Step 1: Healing the hurt within.

Daily Reminder

For anyone that might have seen this bracelet and wondered why I wear it... since it's just a cheap bracelet... it's my daily reminder that I am still alive. It also reminds me of the pain of living. Most importantly, it's a reminder that the self-injury is in recovery.

Most people believe it is really easy to just give up. Why would you intentionally hurt yourself? But it's an addictive behaviour and it's effective. It's not an easy road, especially at the moment.

But I have now given myself permission to use the self-injury if I need to in order to survive. I'm not saying that I am going back to it. It's been over a year now :o) But if I am not doing it to appease someone (Val) and not for myself then it's not benefitting me. All that means is that she is controlling the behaviour. I'm not perfect. I am going to fail at some point. Life on my terms... Hopefully I can continue to find other ways to cope... but anyone that wants to stop me can go to hell. I'm not trying to be harsh there. But the people that try and stop me have no problem with me drinking to the point of alcohol poisoning... or starving myself.... yet these are more dangerous then cutting myself ever will be.

Recovery does not imply perfection and no slip-ups. It's fantastic that it has been over a year but it's been over a year for the wrong reasons. I am tempted probably every single day... especially right now as I try to come to terms with my life and the abuse. If anyone wants to hate me or judge me if I do back to it... feel free. I can guarantee that I'll have a few issues with myself as it is. But remember, it's not your life... you do not control me... and we all have our negative ways of coping. So if you plan on condemning me for it... or reminding me of how bad it is (trust me I already know) then you better be offering suggestions on other ways to cope and you better have the time to hear me out.