The Darkness

Today is the first time in a very long time I feel virtually consumed by the darkness.... It just seems so black and hopeless.  I don't get angry very often.  But when I do it's very ugly.  I don't deal well with anger because it's such a strong and powerful emotion.  And all I want to do is restore some semblance of balance.  It's no wonder I am extremely tempted to go back to the self-injury.  I know it would bring me back to homeostasis or at least close to it.  It is taking a great deal of self-control for me not to... Well that and knowing that tomorrow I will be in a bathing suit and would rather not be asked about new scars.  *lol*

I've also gone back to old ways of complete isolation.... I've cut myself off and refuse to ask for help.  For as much as I tell other people not to be an island I haven't exactly learned that lesson myself.  I'm getting better but this is one time when I just want to be alone.

Azrael has been a great companion all evening.  He has been quite needy... probably feeding off the energy and the fact I've actually been watching TV and not playing online.  So I have been all for giving him attention.  It has calmed me down.... maybe not completely but still even a little calmer is an improvement.

Can I just stick my head in the sand... or become like a turtle until this is over?  I know that's not how life works.  I have to gut it out and get past this.  Tommorow I am getting together with friends.  It's either going to be really good for me... or really bad... not entirely sure which.  Time will tell.

What is This Life For?

The last month or so has been quite the journey and is still far from over. Some days I wonder what this life is for and those times I usually feel like giving in. No I'm not talking about suicide. I am just sick of fighting circumstance. It's funny that I was talking about life a decade ago... since it dawned on me today that right now I feel about like I did back then. It's like I am surrounded by darkness from which there is no escape. I am control freak by nature and this is something I can't control... much like I couldn't control the abuse in the past. So I am left feeling hopeless and discouraged at the moment. I really think I am in the anger phase between denial and acceptance. I was in denial for 2 years and it's been replaced by anger. Why me? Can't anything go right? My life was fucked up before... I didn't need this too.

At least I am able to leave it at home, for the most part, and don't bring the pain and anger with me to work. Obviously I can't completely forget about it but I can focus on the job and push it out of my mind for 8.5 hours. Now if only I could shut my mind off at night as well.