The Darkness

Today is the first time in a very long time I feel virtually consumed by the darkness.... It just seems so black and hopeless.  I don't get angry very often.  But when I do it's very ugly.  I don't deal well with anger because it's such a strong and powerful emotion.  And all I want to do is restore some semblance of balance.  It's no wonder I am extremely tempted to go back to the self-injury.  I know it would bring me back to homeostasis or at least close to it.  It is taking a great deal of self-control for me not to... Well that and knowing that tomorrow I will be in a bathing suit and would rather not be asked about new scars.  *lol*

I've also gone back to old ways of complete isolation.... I've cut myself off and refuse to ask for help.  For as much as I tell other people not to be an island I haven't exactly learned that lesson myself.  I'm getting better but this is one time when I just want to be alone.

Azrael has been a great companion all evening.  He has been quite needy... probably feeding off the energy and the fact I've actually been watching TV and not playing online.  So I have been all for giving him attention.  It has calmed me down.... maybe not completely but still even a little calmer is an improvement.

Can I just stick my head in the sand... or become like a turtle until this is over?  I know that's not how life works.  I have to gut it out and get past this.  Tommorow I am getting together with friends.  It's either going to be really good for me... or really bad... not entirely sure which.  Time will tell.

The Stress of Student Loans

I am so frustrated I could cry. I won't because I'm stubborn and prefer escapism... but it has been a really long couple of weeks.... just look at the recent posts on my main page. The big one for me is the student loans. That is an instant stressor. I don't have $600 a month to pay that off... And I know I make close to the max amount to qualify. I make about $2300 gross a month. Too bad only about $1600 is take home... Just my student loan and rent would be $1346. I get pretty stressed just thinking about it. And knowing that they called is an added frustration. Now I have to call them back and fight with them some more. Then I'll probably have to send in a copy of all my pay stubs again... and eventually might get the money back from the bank... if I am lucky. I fucking hate dealing with the government on this one... And I know it's not like things at my job are going to improve and help me pay those loans off. I can't avoid them forever but I also can't afford to pay them back... Like I needed any more stress currently.

Grab Bag of Emotions

I'm not sure how I should be feeling at the moment. I'm still trying to see this as a positive thing... that Chris did it for me. It is giving me time off to get some rest and do some work for Chaord Studios. If I'm ever going to do anything with it now would be the time. I've been doing some work on some new UFC DVDs. It will also be a good chance to do some web site design. So that is a good thing.

But it's also extremely frustrating. I feel like I am getting fucked, without a kiss to go with it. My parents can't even force me to get treatment so why is work able to? They refuse to allow me to go back to work. I've said all along that all I needed was sleep and they finally agreed. But in the last 3 weeks I have seen 3 doctors, the crisis nurse twice, and 2 psychiatrists. No one has indicated that I am a threat to myself or to anyone else... so what is the problem? I feel like my hands are tied and there is nothing I can do about it. It's pretty frustrating.

Off and on there are also flashes of anger. I'm angry about the way I've been treated... forced off work... forced onto treatment... not allowed to return. I might as well have gone through with the self-injury since that is where it started.

Lastly, there is also discouragement. I feel like I am fighting a losing battle. No one seems to be listening. The doctor told me that the "Fibromyalgia is a symptom of an underlying psychiatric condition." Then another doctor told me that I would never be treated for fibromyalgia in this town. With the increase in pain recently and the lack of sleep it's a little discouraging knowing that I won't be able to get treatment for a legitimate medical disorder and instead being told it's all psychiatric.

Of course all of this goes on my record at work, along with the two verbal warnings... so it does seem to be an uphill battle. One I am currently losing. While I am trying to remain positive about the whole thing there are also a lot of negatives.

The Saga Continues

Some days I just want to go postal... But then the anger is usually directed at one person: the obsessed stalker that seems to have a number of names these days. Came home tonight just after I got here with company. Normally I wouldn't care but I've got a migraine. And the last time he had company here he told me they were staying indefinitely. I don't really want to entertain and last time I checked this is still my apartment. I suppose the good news is that he won't be hitting on me. So there is one plus. I told him I was on legacy all night and then he tried to tell me that they can't schedule when he is not around and really had a superiority complex. Now I've done his job and beat him at every statistic. So spare me the god speech. Seems to think he deserves Tier 2 as well. Just because you have been here for five years does not make you the best agent in the place. He was once a performance coach and didn't even make it through the probationary period. Maybe that should tell him something.

Found something else out that was quite interesting. Natasha became a performance coach and we talk on occassion. Steve was telling me that he helped her move and then she didn't talk to him for 6 months and didn't understand why. I found out the reason the other day. He asked her out on a date after helping her move. Hmm... guess that explains why she wasn't talking to him, didn't want to send the wrong message to him. But I guess he forgot that part of it.

I just wish I knew some way of getting rid of him. I don't even think a ring on my finger would do the trick. Mind you a shot gun wedding does have a certain appeal to it *lol* With a stalker around it's not like I can meet someone as it is. I pretty much stay at home these days... too scared to go out. If I go out and he knows where I am he'll just track me down... and hope I drink enough to take advantage of the situation. And he makes sure no guy will be within 10 feet of me. So the night ends up being a wash. Not to say I can't get myself into trouble when I am drinking alone 'cuz I do that quite well too. But a little freedom would be nice, just to be able to go out and actually have some fun once in a while. I'm trying to remember what fun actually is.

Any ways... time for me to get some food. The headache isn't quite as bad so I better grab something to eat.